I stopped into Wawa to buy milk and a brownie recently. You might be wondering, Why the "and a brownie?" and I would answer, why the f*** not? Brownies are just as essential to life as milk is. I read this online somewhere, so it's definitely true.
Wawa brownies, by the way, are terrific. My fiancee doesn't agree with my assessment, citing that they are too "cakey." I love that they are, though. The "cakey" section of a cake is the best part. Some think it's the icing, but those people are con-artists and scoundrels. If I could just eat cake with no icing anywhere, I'd be a happy man.
Anyway, back to my story. I brought milk and a brownie to the register, and there was only one person ahead of me, a woman in her mid- or late-30s with two kids. Her children were yelling and screaming, and she looked like she was going to erupt any second. What was odd was that her youngest child appeared to be seated in some sort of lawn chair that she was rolling around. It wasn't a stroller. It was this weird lawn chair with wheels on it. Whatever it was, I had plenty of time to analyze it because this woman took what seemed like years talking to the girl behind the counter. She was out of sorts, as you can see by the first thing she asked the cashier:
"I'm sorry, I don't have the technology ... I don't have the technology to figure out how to get to cross Street Road and get to Brownsville Road, could you help me. I don't have the technology."
You don't have the technology? You mean Google Maps?
Mother: I don't have the technology. I just don't have the technology to figure out how to cross Street Road.
Cashier: Can't you just ... cross it?
Mother: I don't have the technology to do this. Can you tell me how to cross Street Road and get to Brownsville Road please?
Cashier: Well, Brownsville Road is just right over there. I don't understand why you say you can't cross Street Road.
Mother: I just don't have the technology to cross Street Road. If you could show me how to cross Street Road, that would be great.
It was the most confusing exchange I've ever heard in my life. I don't understand why this woman didn't just leave the parking lot, turn onto the perpendicular street to Street Road, and then just cross it through the intersection. It seemed like something one of her annoying children could figure out.
And her children were definitely annoying. The one older boy, perhaps 6 or 7, kept grabbing candy off the shelf and tossing it in the air to himself. The younger one, still seated in his fancy lawn chair, continuously shouted, "CANDY! MOMMY! CANDY!"
The mother eventually snapped.
"STOP YELLING RIGHT NOW, OR I WON'T BUY ANYTHING FOR YOU! I'M ASKING THE LADY ABOUT TECHNOLOGY I DON'T HAVE!!!"
Unbelievably, the woman bought the candy pack that her older son was tossing to himself. Perhaps that's why they were so crazy. She likely caves to her spoiled brats. If my kids acted that way, I'd slap them upside the head rather than buy candy for them.
Anyway, the mother pulled out her credit card and tried swiping it. It didn't work after several attempts.
Cashier: Is there another credit card you can try?
Mother: It's not the credit card, it's the damn technology! This technology does not work!
I think this lady set the record for the most times the word "technology" has been used in a single conversation. She was obsessed with it, though it seemed like she didn't really understand what the word meant. Well, I suppose Google Maps and credit card scanners are technological devices, but it didn't seem like she could discern the difference between the two.
The woman eventually paid cash and left the Wawa without any answers on how to cross Street Road. I find myself wondering if she ever managed to find out how to cross Street Road, or if she just gave up, turned around and drove back home in defeat. If so, I hope she one day obtains the technology to discover how to drive across an intersection.
In a way, I can sympathize with Crazy Technology Mom. I hate the advancement of technology. Well, some aspects of it, at least. For example, I can't watch the new Star Trek show because CBS expects people to stream it. I have no f***ing idea how to stream anything without it being super annoying. I have a Samsung S-4 mini. How the hell am I supposed to watch any show on that without killing my eyes? Why can't I just watch it on TV? Why do these a**holes have to ruin everything?
I also dislike how people can surf the Web on phones. I remember the good old days when you had to log into America Online, hope your 56K modem didn't fail, and then wait for several minutes for Web sites to load. This was an amazing experience because no one took Internet browsing for granted. Any time you could access a Web page, it was like a gift from the gods. Now, people just flip out their phones and look anything they want. That's absolutely horrible!
You know what else is absolutely horrible? The end of AIM. Yes, America Online has announced that its chat app, AIM, will be shut off forever in the next several weeks.
I thought everyone would be upset about this. I expected people to cry, vomit all over themselves and even slit their own wrists in the wake of this news. Instead, when I clicked "Instant Messenger" when it was trending on Twitter, I found the following responses to it:
Look at these smug a**holes. Oh, I'm too good for AIM because I embrace technology and I stream Star Trek on my phone because I'm so fancy. F*** you, a**hole. Seriously, f*** you. Just because you know how to cross Street Road quite easily doesn't mean that you're better than everyone else.
I would still use AIM if I could. Seriously, I'd download it and hop online, and I'd chat with people all day. It would be glorious. Unfortunately, no one uses AIM anyone. I used AIM recently, up until 2012, or so. AIM allowed you to connect with your contacts on G-chat and Facebook, so I spoke to people that way. Once in a while, I'd have someone contact me through AIM, as they'd exclaim, "Whoa, I thought I was the only one who still used this!"
Alas, I had to stop using AIM when it no longer supported G-chat connectivity. I used to talk to my Web site editor through AIM because opening the Gmail tab was more annoying than the AIM window, which was at the bottom of the screen. One day, it just stopped working, so I quit using AIM.
And that was sad. I'll never forget the sound you'd get when someone pinged you on AIM. It was magical. It meant that someone wanted to talk to me. Yes, someone wanted to talk to me! What if it was a girl, and she wanted to tell me she was in love with me? I could be smooth on AIM, as opposed to real life. I couldn't talk to women in person for the first 20 years of my existence, but I certainly could online. Just look at this!
SOS Walter (7:36:39 PM): do you like anything besides qdoba?
tiffcrazy6 (7:38:53 PM): haha yeah i mean im normally up for most places but i honestly can't remember the last time i went out for dinner and not lunch so i really dont have like a favorite place i mean rib rack is nice ha
SOS Walter (7:40:16 PM): lol i've actually never been there
tiffcrazy6 (7:40:39 PM): haha i mean its alright
SOS Walter (7:40:50 PM): so yeah you're definitely due to eat out
tiffcrazy6 (7:42:01 PM): haha basically =]
SOS Walter (7:43:50 PM): ok the game is gonna be starting soon, so i have to get going
SOS Walter (7:44:01 PM): if you're free on Friday though we should hang out because that's when I'm free
tiffcrazy6 (7:44:54 PM): oh right. well have fun ha and im babysittign this friday but we can figure something out soemtime im sure
You see that? I got a girl to say that we could maybe figure something out sometime when I asked her out to dinner! I could've never done that in person when I was a teenager. Yet, Tiffcrazy6 said she would maybe go out with me. Granted, she never did, but at least there was a chance!
AIM was more than just being able to talk to the opposite sex. You could actually meet them! My buddies Frank and Josh and I talked to these girls Cindy, Jess and Kristin on AIM when we first got it. We discovered that they were local. One day, we decided to meet them.
It was a great day. The girls were cool, and Cindy was super hot. I was told she was into me, so I tried to talk to her in person. I couldn't do it without stuttering, and that's when she started not being into me.
Oh, and remember away messages? They were terrific. You could leave them up when you didn't want to talk to someone annoying, and they allowed you to express yourself.
And I certainly did. I would leave up a different away message every day, usually in an attempt to make people laugh. As you can see, they were the genesis of Jerks of the Week...
1/22/2003 Idiots at the Gym: There was one girl today who was taking up the WHOLE mat at the IM building. I dont know how she did it. She was huge. She was doing situps, and she would do them 3 at a time (using her hands to push her up of course) and then take 2 minute breaks in between "sets". She did this for 30 mins. MORON. Next, the girls who do one set on each machine and go right down the row of machines. They give me a dirty look if i'm on their next machine. Excuse me, I'm trying to really lift here, and if you really NEED to use the machine, why don't you ask if you can work in? Then, theres always the girls who wear "no clothing" and give me dirty looks if I look. If you dont want me looking, wear SOMETHING. Of course you gotta hate the dudes who put too much weight on and do the exercise completely wrong. Idiots.
Or, how about this one?
2/11/2003 Attack of the Fat Girls Part I: I got on the bus to Philly on Friday and I started listening to my CD, when this humongous girl walks up to me and says "can u move? i want to sit with my companion." I said "no.. i want a window seat." She kept on asking me over and over again! I was about to say "I'm not getting up for ur fat @$$!" ARGH. Then her companion (who calls someone their companion anyway?) came on the bus and DAMN she was HOT. But calculating my chances with her, I decided to stay put. Anyway, these girls sat across from each other, in front of me and THEY TALKED THE WHOLE BUS RIDE HOME. Never stopped once. I can't even hold a conversation with someone for 30 seconds. How did they do it? 4 hours str8
4/03/2003 When I was eating dinner by myself last night, I heard some fat girl go "why are you sitting my yourself?" (she was talking to someone else - not me). Stupid fat girl. Whats wrong with eating by yourself? Are most people that insecure? I hate at the dining commons when there are huge groups of people (over 10) and they make too much noise. Dinner time is for eating, not annoying me >:o. Reasons why eating by yourself is better: 1. No annoying people to bother you. 2. You don't have to come up with things to talk to them. 3. You can leave when you're done eating - not when they are. 4. You can get food all over your face and not worry about it. 5. Well, I cant think of any more, so send me some suggestions... I have to go to History class today for the first time in 2 months.
I'd have a different one of these every day, and I even planned to write a book, publishing all of these. Unfortunately, every publishing agency I reached out to ignored my pitch. I wonder why.
Well, thanks to the advancement of technology, self-publishing is now possible. With the announcement that AIM is dying, perhaps I should self-publish all of my old away messages into a book.
What do you guys think? Should I do it? Would you buy it? If I can get three people to say they'd buy it, I'll self-publish it. As long as I can figure out that technology.