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Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011




Jerks of the Jersey Shore for July 25, 2011


JERK OF THE JERSEY SHORE: Jerks of the Boardwalk

If you didn't read the previous Jerks of the Week entry, I'm going to spend the next four weeks discussing the plethora of Jerks of the Jersey Shore I found while on vacation the week of July 11.

Last week, I discussed the Jerks of the Beach. This time, it's Jerks of the Boardwalk, which will be followed by Jerks of the Pool, and then Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants.


1. Flip Flops:

After spending nearly two hours on the beach during my first day of vacation - and getting sand kicked into my face by two hot chicks, as referenced last week - my sister Jackie, my cousin Megan and I decided to go to Gilligan's Waterpark, located at 8th and Boardwalk.

The trip proved to be very difficult for two reasons. First, my Adidas flip flops broke just as we left my hotel room. The Velcro fell off my left flip flop, so I had the choice of either buying new flip flops or walking all the way down to the waterpark with just my right flip flop. Since I didn't feel like being someone else's Jerk of the Week, I opted for the former.

We ventured into one store and walked to the flip flop rack. I couldn't spot any Adidas flip flops, but I found a pair of black ones that looked all right. I decided to buy them until I looked at the price tag. It was $25.

What the hell? Who spends $25 on pool/beach flip flops? I was expecting them to be $5, maybe $6. Instead, this damn store wanted me to take out a second mortgage on my house just to get a pair of crappy flip flops. "F*** this," I told my sister and cousin. "I'd rather spend my money on pizza and French fries."

So, did I walk all the way down to the waterpark with one flip flop on? I strongly considered it - until we found another store that sold the same pair of flip flops for $8.

Phew. What a relief. I was worried that I'd have to spend all my pizza and French fry money on stupid flip flops.


2. Fudge and Fat Kid:

I mentioned that there were two reasons why the journey to Gilligan's waterpark was arduous. The second was the distance. My hotel was at 12th and Boardwalk, and Gilligan's is at 8th and Boardwalk. For those of you who didn't use your nifty Windows calculator, that's four whole blocks!

I don't think many people have walked four whole blocks and lived to tell the tale. I mean, I'm sure some super-fit individuals have accomplished that feat, but I'm a fat slob. I didn't think there was any way I'd make four blocks. I held out hope that we'd find a barrel. I'd be able to climb inside the barrel and have someone roll me all the way to the waterpark. But then again, I'd have to pay them to do this, so I wouldn't be able to eat as much pizza and French fries. What a dilemma.

I somehow made to the waterpark. But before you congratulate me, I must admit that I had some help. Every block, there were two or three semi-hot chicks (all of whom coincidentally happened to be Russian) giving out free samples of fudge. I kid you not. They were giving away delicious chocolate and vanilla squares - for free. Fools! I would have bought those fudge squares for millions!

We stopped at every single free fudge vendor, which helped distract me from our long journey. Before I knew it, we somehow made it to Gilligan's Waterpark. It truly was a miracle. A fudge miracle.

One thing before I move on to what actually happened at the waterpark - I discovered that these fudge people gave away free samples every day. It really was a dream come true.

The following day, I was standing in line for some free fudge when I overheard the following exchange between a fat kid, his mom and one of the Russian fudge vendors.

Mom: What flavor fudge do you want?

Fat Kid: I want stwabeweey!

Mom: You don't have strawberry fudge, do you?

Fudge Chick: Umm... no, sorry. We only have chocolate, vanilla and cookies-and-cream.

Mom: They don't have strawberry.

Fat Kid: BUUUUT I WAAAANT STWAAAABEWWWWWYYYYYY!!!!

Fat Kid started crying, though he ultimately settled for cookies-and-cream. You know, now that I think about it, I probably would have also wept if I loved strawberry fudge.





3. Gilligan's Waterpark:

I found several jerks at Gilligan's Waterpark. If it wasn't for the girl at the front gate, I wouldn't even know where to begin...


3A. Mexican Chick:

I don't know if the girl at the front gate was Mexican. She was very dark-skinned. She wasn't black or Indian or Mongolian, so she must have been Mexican. I don't know any other races.

We arrived at Gilligan's at 5:05. The waterpark closed at 6, and it was $21.95 per person for two hours. Since we had less than an hour remaining, it only seemed reasonable that they would allow us in for half the price.

Me: Hey, you guys close at 6, right?

Mexican Chick: Yes.

Me: Do we still have to pay $21.95 since we're not getting the full two hours?

Mexican Chick: Yes.

Me: Really? We can't pay half for just one hour?

Mexican Chick: Nah.

Me: That's crap. It's not even one hour. It's 55 minutes.

Mexican Chick: Meh.

I think that's bulls***. Think about it this way - if McDonald's started cutting their cheeseburgers in half and still sold them for the regular price, people would be outraged, right? Well, I was furious about this. Screw you, communist Mexican chick.


3B. Steps:

We paid the $21.95 and an extra bulls*** $5 for a locker. Whatever. I'd have less money to spend on pizza and French fries, but I really wanted to go on water slides. Plus, there were hot lifeguards working there. More on them later.

The $21.95 ended up being a good deal. We only got 55 minutes out of it, but since it was so late in the day, there weren't any lines. We just went up the steps, sat down in the slides and rode our way down. It was awesome.

Well, awesome in theory. Going up the steps was extremely difficult. There were just so many of them. I was huffing and puffing by the time I reached the top, and I needed a break prior to going on the slides each time.

Before you blame this on my fatness, my sister and cousin were having similar issues.

Jackie: Is anyone else tired from all of these stairs?

Megan: Seriously. I'm exhausted.

Me: Huff... puff... huff... puff... wait a second, I want to say something... huff... puff... huff... puff...

What I wanted to say was that this was like a gym workout. Actually, it was better - there were no fat women there to eat me.


3C. Hot Tube Lifeguard:

As promised, here's a breakdown of Gilligan's female lifeguards. From what I remember, there were three chicks. The first one, who was standing at the lazy river, was a very average pale chick who seemed to like me. I caught her staring at me a few times. Well, she either thought I was attractive or wanted to steal my fancy-shmancy new $8 flip flops.

There was another female lifeguard standing on the opposite side of the lazy river facing the boardwalk. She was a tan brunette, and I remember thinking that she had the best legs I've ever seen.

The third lifeguard is the one I want to focus on, however. She was standing in the water at the bottom of the tube slides. Her job was to gather the people on the tubes and push them down one final slide.

This chick was attractive; she was more cute than hot. Since I was able to get really close to her when she pushed my tube down the final slide, I figured I might as well try to game her.

The first time...

Me: Hey.

Hot Tube Lifeguard: ...

Complete silence. Damn it. I later went down the tube slide again, and if at first you don't succeed...

Me: Hey, what's going on?

Hot Tube Lifeguard: ...

Nothing again. Jesus, what the hell does it take to get a word out of this chick?

I decided to try one more time. When I walked up the tube tower, there was a pair of giddy 14-year-old chicks standing in line in front of me. I tried listening into their conversation, but all they said was stuff like, "OMG OMG that lifeguard on the tall slides is like sooooo hot OMG OMG!"

At any rate, when I landed into the tube pool, I saw the 14-year-old chicks' double tube capsize. I figured why not make a joke out of this to Hot Tube Lifeguard?

Me: I think those girls are going to drown if you don't help them.

Hot Tube Lifeguard: Haha, I know, right?

Score! I was now THIS close to getting Hot Tube Lifeguard's number. Unfortunately, the waterpark closed and we were rushed out of there. Damn. If only I hadn't stopped to eat so much fudge on my way to the waterpark.


3D. My Aspirations:

One of the reasons I was so eager to go to Gilligan's Waterpark was because my parents used to take me there all the time when I was a kid.

As a 13- or 14-year-old, I used to look up to the lifeguards. Man, they had it made. They were grown up, and they had the best job in the world - they were lifeguards at an awesome waterpark. They could go down the water slides any time they wanted to. I was extremely jealous, and I secretly aspired to be a Gilligan's Waterpark lifeguard when I grew up.

It's now 15 years later, and I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking. I've come to realize that being a waterpark lifeguard isn't so glamorous after all. If you're not sitting atop the staircase, jealously watching people enjoying themselves while riding the slides, you're in the water, pushing around fat slobs in tubes like me. And sometimes the fat slobs hit on you.

If you happen to be reading this, Hot Tube Lifeguard, I apologize for making your crappy job even worse than it already is.





4. Night in Venice:

Our journey back from Gilligan's Waterpark to my hotel proved to be quite eventful. As we exited the waterpark and went back onto the boardwalk, we were immediately greeted by some sort of parade.

Cars slowly drove down the boardwalk. Each vehicle featured a hot-looking chick in a gown. The cars had signs that read "Night in Venice Competition."

Most of the girls looked somewhat embarrassed to be showcased like this, but not one particular chick in a blue dress. Instead of blushing or turning her head away, she waved slowly to all the observers as if she were some sort of queen.

And there were many observers - people just stood still stupidly, watching as each of the cars slowly drove by. It was like they were in some sort of trance. They seemingly couldn't stop watching this ambiguous Night in Venice competition.

At this point, I'm convinced that people would watch anything as long as there were slow-moving cars and attractive women involved.

That settles it. If I ever become rich, I'm going to put together a Night in WalterFootball's Bed competition. There will be loads of hot chicks and fancy shmancy cars, and millions will watch. It will be glorious.


5. Blah Blah Woman:

I mentioned last week that I type jerks I see into my phone and save it as a draft so I don't forget it later. That's precisely what I was doing regarding the Night in Venice competition when some Mexican lady pulled her son aside because I didn't see him and nearly trampled him while walking and texting.

The Mexican lady gave me an evil look and started shouting things that sounded like, "Blah blah blah blah blah."

I only know two Spanish words, taco and bell, so I have no idea what she was saying. If I had to venture a guess though, it would be:

"Move out of the way! This fat stupid American a**hole is leering at the hot chicks and texting on his cell phone, and he's not looking where he's going!"

It's true. I can usually multi task, but when there are hot chicks to look at, slow cars to avoid and jerks to write about, how do you expect me to avoid trampling your son, Mexican lady? That's just way too much to ask.


6. Free Hugs Homos:

Before Roger Goodell fines me $100,000 for using the dreaded H-word, I need to state that it wasn't my idea to call anyone a homo. Well, not directly.

As the Night in Venice parade subsided, my sister spotted two really skinny dudes walking around without t-shirts on. They painted the words "Free Hugs" onto their stomachs. Jackie quickly remarked, "That's the gayest thing I've ever seen." Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I won't call it gay. I'll call it unfair. It's quite common to see guys do this. Men walk around shirtless and paint stuff on their body all the time. Why can't women do this? Why can't they strut around completely topless and write stuff like "Free Hugs" on their body? Didn't women want equality and stuff? Well, I say if you want to vote, you should have to paint "Free Hugs" on your boobs. I think that sounds reasonable.

Actually, screw hugs. I want something better than hugs. Why not "Free BJ" or "Free Sex" or "Free Cheeseburgers?" Or... OR... "Free Sex and Cheeseburgers." Oh man. Why has no one thought of this before?


7. Seagulls:

My sister and cousin weren't around the following night. I was by myself, so I thought it would be fun to try all the various awesome food on the boardwalk while walking around and looking at hot chicks.

That sounded like a great plan in theory, but it didn't work out so well. Minutes after buying a slice of pizza from Mack & Mancos, I noticed all of these shadows around me. I looked up and saw a flock of seagulls circling around me like vultures. I had to duck into the bathroom to finish my slice. The people taking a piss in the urinals probably thought I was crazy, but there was no way I was letting those a**hole pseudo-pigeons steal my precious pizza.

I really don't remember the seagulls being that bad. When I was a kid, I used to throw food at them and my mom would scold me. Now I know why. They've become monsters.

Now that I think about it, actually, the seagulls and I are so much alike - like me, the seagulls are fat slobs desperate for food. And I'm pretty sure the seagulls wouldn't pay $25 for flip flops either.


8. Bubble Blower:

Despite my pizza difficulties, my boardwalk feast continued. I saw a sign that said "The best fry you'll ever try!" I just had to have some.

These fries weren't the best. They were pretty salty, which is good because that clogs your arteries quicker, but I've had far better. Trust me, I'm an expert.

What was cool about this place was that they attached a plastic circular tray to the cup of fires, allowing you to pour ketchup into a little saucer and load it into the tray. No more ketchupy fingers - I was eating fries in style like a rich person.

I walked about a block down the boardwalk when I encountered the titular Jerk of the Week. There was this girl standing in front of a toy store. She was holding some sort of bubble gun. When she pressed the trigger, bubbles shot out of the gun. I wouldn't have given this any thought, but she shot the bubbles right out in front of me - and the bubbles were going into my precious French fries!

I reacted quickly. I shielded my French fries and fancy shmancy ketchup tray from the bubbles by awkwardly cuffing my left arm around the French fry cup. My tactic worked - none of the bubbles infected my French fries - but a pair of hot chicks wearing white tank tops must have been wondering what the hell I was doing because they both laughed at me.

Fine! Go ahead and laugh! The next time you're eating French fries, and some slut blows bubbles into your French fries and ketchup tray, you'll be sorry you didn't ask me to show you how to use my awesome shield French fry tactic.

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Thomas 07-27-2011 02:00 pm xxx.xxx.xxx7.74 (total posts: 1)
18     19

Blake, no separate group for Indians/Native Americans (red)?
Cal 07-26-2011 12:53 pm xxx.xxx.xxx1.19 (total posts: 1)
21     19

Your the man, Walt.
Blake 07-25-2011 05:11 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.227 (total posts: 1)
18     25

"I don't know if the girl at the front gate was Mexican. She was very dark-skinned. She wasn't black or Indian or Mongolian, so she must have been Mexican. I don't know any other races."
Probably the best thing you've ever written. Some people could be offended by this or say, "Blah blah blah you're so dumb there are dozens of other races blah blah blah," but in reality, those people are treehugger hipsters. There are 3 races: white, brown, black. And for those of you who are saying, "No separate the Asians (yellow) from the whites," you're wrong. Races only apply to humans and Asians are obviously rats. Super funny stuff at the Shore.

Tom 07-25-2011 03:50 pm xxx.xxx.xxx1.28 (total posts: 1)
17     20

Walt, I love the Jersey Shore editions of Jerk of the week. Keep em coming haha
Walter 07-25-2011 03:18 pm xxx.xxx.xxx4.88 (total posts: 2)
20     21

Funk, you have to remember that I live in Philly, the fattest city in the world. The hot chicks are far and few between.
Funk 07-25-2011 02:39 pm xxx.xxx.xxx5.10 (total posts: 1)
19     19

Lesson #1 Walt: Any sandal with velcro is a "Jesus Sandal" and were cool in the '90s...not so much now. "Flip Flops" are just the sole and the plastic that goes between your toes so you can walk. They are timeless. Don't be "that guy".
Lesson #2: I am starting to get the notion that any chick you state as being "hot" is probably a 6 here in Southern California so if you could start mentioning ultra-hot girls or unbelievably hot girls I could assume they are closer to an 8 or 9 on a Cali Scale. Thanks!
cam 07-25-2011 10:56 am xxx.xxx.xxx.194 (total posts: 1)
21     19

for the record homo isn't the one people get fined for because its just short for homosexual, it's fag and sometimes even just using the word gay that are the ones sports guys get fined for
@Kyle 07-25-2011 10:05 am xxx.xxx.xxx6.15 (total posts: 1)
22     19

Your missing the best part of being a lifeguard at a waterpark....The woman in bikinis ALL DAY!!!!
mitch 07-25-2011 09:11 am xxx.xxx.xxx.237 (total posts: 1)
18     23

mackin walter mackin
Kyle 07-25-2011 04:38 am xxx.xxx.xxx8.77 (total posts: 1)
21     18

They don't have it as bad as you think. I mean, let's be real, this is almost definitely a summer job for some college kids in the area, and all they have to do is sit there (apparently not even talk if they don't want to) and soak up the Vitamin D from the sun.

There are s---tier ways to make money during college.
Daniel 07-25-2011 03:12 am xxx.xxx.xxx.139 (total posts: 1)
18     18

I'm a lifeguard at a water park. It sucks.
Neil 07-25-2011 02:20 am xxx.xxx.xxx8.96 (total posts: 1)
18     20

Great JOTW entry.

I understand the flip flop thing. Was on vacation myself just a few weeks ago up in Virginia with my daughters. My dad was taking us to Water Country, but my older daughter had left her flip flops at his house two hours from the park there in Williamsburg.

First we went in a convienience store, and they wanted 15 bucks for a pair. Then we found a Dollar General, and they didn't sell them. (Isn't that why DG exists? To sell flip flops?? They would be my own JOTW candidate.) Finally we found a CVS with 2 dollar flip flops.
Walter 07-25-2011 12:24 am xxx.xxx.xxx4.88 (total posts: 2)
18     19

First comment... we're going to have comment boards like this all over the site soon. We're still working out the kinks, so this is not the finished product.



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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




Fantasy Football Rankings - July 23


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


2015 NFL Mock Draft - June 10


NFL Free Agents


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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