I used to think the dumbest people on the planet were Starbucks-drinking protestors, but I have since changed my mind. They are still incredibly worthless, but they are at least better than people at Wal-Mart. I never used to go to Wal-Mart because I didn't even know there was one in my area until my fiancee moved in with me in October 2014. She goes to Wal-Mart on her own most of the time, but I occasionally accompany her, and I did so one recent Saturday.
As she was driving through the parking lot, I marveled at how dumb the people were. She nearly ran over five different individuals because they had no awareness of their surroundings, blindly walking in front of her car with no reckless abandon. One girl, who was somewhat attractive, was wearing a pink shirt with weird, red pants.
"Nice outfit, moron!" my fiancee yelled.
Another person whom we nearly ran over was a tall, tan guy wearing gym shorts. He crossed in front of us without looking, perhaps because he was too enthralled with what was going on in his nostrils. He was picking his nose in broad daylight, and he apparently found something because he looked at it and flicked it away. Then, he inserted his fingers into his other nostril and did the same thing. And then, he went back to the first one!
The people inside weren't any better. As we were looking for lightbulbs, we saw a woman with lots of tattoos, who didn't look strange otherwise until she opened her mouth. I don't know if she was missing teeth, or if something were just darkened, but she definitely had some major dental issues. She looked like a prototypical meth-head. In fact, I feel like an anti-drug PSA could've framed a picture of her with the words, "This is what you'll look like if you smoke crystal meth."
Me: If I were her, I'd dress up as a hockey player wherever I went.
Fiancee: Shhhh! Don't say that out loud!
Me: She can't hear us. She's out of earshot. She should definitely dress up as a hockey player wherever she goes. If she did, people would say, "Oh wow, that's why she's missing all her teeth - because she's a hockey player!"
Fiancee: You can't dress up like a hockey player everywhere!
Me: Why not? It would work. Like if she were wearing a hockey jersey and pads, and she were carrying around a stick, I'd be impressed with her. Instead, I'm just disgusted.
Now, if you think it's impractical to carry around a stick, especially in Wal-Mart, well prepare to have your beliefs debunked. As we were exiting Wal-Mart, an older man walked in with a staff. Yes, a freaking staff, like he was some kind of wizard!
My fiancee noticed it as well. "I get using a cane," she said. "But a staff? Who the hell carries around a staff?"
See? Having a hockey stick at your disposal suddenly doesn't seem so crazy.
To all meth-heads reading this, no need to thank me. Have fun wearing your new outfits.
You might be wondering what all of this has to do with Wendy's. Well, that was our next destination, as we planned to get that for dinner. My fiancee started to pull into the drive-through, but I told her I wanted to go inside. She groaned, but I told her that I hate fast-food drive-through windows because they often make mistakes.
I had no idea what we were in store for. I wrote earlier that people at Wal-Mart were the dumbest individuals on the planet. Well, I'm willing to retract that statement after my experience at Wendy's.
Wendy's happened to be completely empty at the moment, save for the workers behind the counter. We approached the register, but it took a couple of minutes for someone to ask us what we'd like. Scratch that. It took a couple of minutes for a guy to look in our direction. He didn't ask how he could help us. He just stared blankly in our direction, and it took me a few seconds to realize that I should start giving him my order.
"I'd like a Baconator meal and a separate Baconator," I said. "Both plain."
I saw the words "Double Baconator" appear on the monitor, and I instantly knew I was in for a strange experience. Little did I know that I was about to have an interaction with the dumbest human being I've ever encountered.
Me: No, I mean, I want two Baconators. One with a meal and another one by itself.
Wendy's Moron: Double Bacantor and another Baconator?
Me: No, two Baconators. One Baconator with a meal - large fries and a medium soda - and another Baconator, no meal with that.
Wendy's Moron: It says Double Baconator.
Me: I know, that's why I said I'd like two Baconators instead of a double.
Wendy's Moron: So you want two Baconators, a double Baconator with a combo and a Baconator with not a combo?
Umm... that's not exactly what I said, but I was ready to move on. If he wanted to give me a Double Baconator meal, that's fine. I'm a fat man, so a Double Baconator sounded good to me.
Me: Can I also have a side salad - Caesar, please.
Wendy's Moron: OK.
The words "Side Salad - Ranch" appeared on the screen.
Me: No, no, I said Caesar.
Wendy's Moron: Oh.
He changed nothing. He just stared at me blankly.
Me: And that's it.
Wendy's Moron: What size fry do you want?
The screen said "French Fries - medium."
He asked me what soda I wanted and then asked if this was to go. I said yes, and he stepped away from the counter for five minutes, to the chagrin of the few people who were now waiting in line.
Little did they know that they'd be stuck there for an eternity.
I don't know where Wendy's Moron went for a couple of minutes, but he returned. The next guy in line - a chubby man with slicked-back gray hair who looked quite hungry - stepped up to give his order, but Wendy's Moron looked at me instead.
"I got your salads," he said.
I told him thanks. He responded by raising the salads in the air to show me he had the salads. He then placed the salads on the counter. Then, he picked them up once more.
"Your salads, right here," he said.
OK, I get it.
He put the salads down on the counter, completely oblivious to everyone else who was in line.
Wendy's Moron: You're not gonna get any chicken in your salad.
Me: I didn't think chicken came with it.
Wendy's Moron: Just kidding.
Wait, what? I didn't order a chicken Caesar salad. Why would I be getting chicken in my salad?
Me: Wait, so I am getting chicken?
Wendy's Moron: With what?
Me: The Caesar salad?
Wendy's Moron: I dunno.
You don't know? What the hell is going on here? I didn't even know if I was getting a Caesar salad or a salad with Ranch dressing.
I looked at my fiancee and shot her a look that said, "WTF is going on here!?" Wendy's Moron went to a cabinet with various salad dressings.
Wendy's Moron: What kinda salad dressing do you want? Ranch? Light Balsamic?
Me: Can I have Caesar dressing with my Caesar salad?
He didn't listen, putting packets of Ranch and Light Balsamic into an empty bag.
Me: Wait, can I have Caesar dressing?
Wendy's Moron: Oh, you want Caesar dressing?
Me: YES, HOW MANY F***ING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT I WANT CAESAR!?
I didn't yell that. I didn't say anything except "yup," as I looked at my fiancee, trying my hardest not to laugh.
After dumping countless salad dressing packets into my bag, he placed the bag on the counter next to the two salads.
"Oh, you want these salads in the bag, too?" he asked.
Uhh... you think? Sure, let me just carry these salads out of here while holding a bag filled with nothing but a dozen salad dressing packets.
I'm not exaggerating about this, by the way. I took a picture of all the packets he gave me:
There was literally no reason for him to do this. "On the bright side, I can bring these into work," my fiancee said afterward.
Anyway, Wendy's Moron placed the salads into the bag and handed it to me.
Wendy's Moron: Wait, you got other things too, right?
Me: Uhh... yeah.
Wendy's Moron stepped away for a minute and came back. The other guy in line, who was now standing with numerous other people waiting to place their orders, once again tried to speak up, but was shot down once more when Wendy's Moron addressed me.
"I forgot to ask you to sign the slip for when you paid with the credit card," he said.
He then handed me the slip and stared at me blankly.
Me: Do you have a pen?
Wendy's Moron: I dunno.
Me: I need a pen to sign this.
Wendy's Moron: Oh, OK...
He walked away once more, prompting groans from the people in line. He returned a minute later with the pen. I signed it, and I expected him to hand me the customer copy.
"I think I need all these?" he asked himself.
I looked at my fiancee once more and covered my face to conceal my laughter.
"I'm gonna get these people's orders, and you're going to wait for your food," he told me.
By "people's orders," he only addressed the man with the slicked-back hair in the 10 minutes we had to wait for our meal. Everyone else continued to stand impatiently. Finally, Wendy's Moron returned with our burgers.
Wendy's Moron: Here's the rest of your food.
Me: I ordered fries, too.
Wendy's Moron: You did? What size fry you get?
Me: I got a large, and she got a medium.
Wendy's Moron: Oh, yeah...
I think I literally could've told him anything, and he would've believed me. I probably could've said I ordered a 10-piece chicken nugget, and he would've gotten it for me.
He handed the fries to me, which I had to put inside the bag. And finally, we had left. I remember looking at the clock when we went into Wendy's, and it was 7:52. Upon exiting, it was 8:18. We spent 26 minutes ordering food at Wendy's!
My fiancee and I laughed at him the entire way home.
Me: I can't believe that just happened. I feel like we were being trolled, like they had us on camera interacting with the worst fast-food employee ever.
Fiancee: I know! I hope he was high because there's no reason someone like that should ever be employed anywhere!
Me: Seriously, I hope for humanity's sake that he was high. What about when he kept showing me that he had my salads? Or when he put all of those salad packets into the bag? What the hell was that all about?
Fiancee: I don't know, but I swear, if he got the order wrong, I'm going to drive back and throw the food in his face!
Me: Can you believe that people want idiots like him to get paid $15 per hour?
Fiancee: Seriously! I would've actually rather paid $15 to interact with a touchscreen at Wendy's! We would've gotten our food in half the time!
And that is precisely why Wendy's was my Jerk of the Year before hackers ruined my site. By hiring the dumbest person of all time and not investing money instead into more-efficient touchscreens, they wasted our time and probably ended up costing themselves some customers, at least at that particular location. I can't even imagine how long some of the people in line were waiting. Maybe someone else joined this guy at the register, but if not, I'd have to imagine that some of those people were waiting until 9:30 to get their food. They literally could've dined at a restaurant faster than that!
Now, for the question you're all wondering: Did our order turn out to be correct?
Wait, you actually think there was a chance we were given the correct order? I was given a Double Baconator, medium fries, a salad and a cheeseburger. No second Baconator. In fact, no actual Baconator. I asked for two regular Baconators, and I didn't get a single one.
But hey, at least my fiancee will have salad dressing for the next two weeks. I'll have to ask her if that's worth the half hour we spent waiting for our food.