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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Aug. 27, 2012


JERKS OF THE WEEK: Crappy Commercials Part IV

If you missed last week's entry, I reviewed several crappy commercials, including the 1 is 2 Many public service announcement featuring Barack Obama, Jeremy Lin and David Beckham. And no, I haven't received any death threats from Rosie O'Donnell or his feminist werewolf clan.

I did, however, get a suggestion from a couple of the readers who thought I should make fun of a Ragu commercial where a fat kid walks in on his parents having sex. Sir Winston posted the link in the comment section, and after reviewing the ad, I agree that there is a ton of potential with it. And to top it off, it meshes well with the other commercials I already planned to mock because they're all food-related.

Food makes me very excited. In fact, just discussing it makes me want to eat my mouse, so before I do that, let's start making fun of these crappy commercials.


1. Ragu Long Day of Childhood

The first thing I noticed in this commercial is that the carpet in the hallway looks like a pizza. Seriously, take a second glance. It's a freaking pizza rug. No wonder this kid is fat. He wakes up, goes to school, comes home, does his homework, eats dinner, eats a second dinner, brushes his teeth, eats a third dinner and goes to bed - all while walking by a pizza on the ground. I wouldn't be surprised if he flunks his tests because he gives answers like:

1. What is 24 divided by 3?

PIZZA PIZZA NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

2. What is 35 divided by 5?

ME WANT PIZZA ON GROUND NOM NOM NOM!!!

And then there's the dinner scene - this poor fat kid saw his dad banging his mom, and now he gets to have spaghetti to make him feel better. The premise seems plausible enough. However, let's take a close look at what's going on here:



As you can see, I highlighted five items in this image that absolutely need to be discussed:

1. NOM NOM NOM SPAGHETTI NOM NOM NOM!!!

2. So this is the guy who was caught banging his wife. Does anyone feel cheated by this? He's included in the commercial, but the mother isn't. All we see is half of the back of her head. I want to see what she looks like so I can determine if she's a MILF. Is that too much to ask? And if it's not too much to ask, can the fat kid please carry a camera into his parents' bedroom next time and film it so we can watch what's going on?

Speaking of his parents' bedroom, why wasn't it locked? Seriously, parents, if you're going to bang, just lock the freaking the door - especially if you have a fat son and a pizza rug next to your bedroom. He's just going to be naturally drawn to that area.

3. Are those... vegetables...? BLEGH! Come on. This poor fat kid just saw his dad banging his mom. Give him a completely tasty dinner; don't ruin it with f***ing vegetables. Let him complement his spaghetti with some Cheetos or Oreos or cheeseburgers; not disgusting vegetables. Everyone knows that fat kids are allergic to vegetables anyway, so it's like the fat kid's parents want to kill him. Perhaps this is their plan so that they can freely have sex without being interrupted.

4. Milk? Milk!? MILK!?!??!?! I can only imagine...

Dad: So, since you caught me banging your mom, I'm giving you spaghetti, poisonous veget... I mean vegetables that definitely aren't poisonous and the beverage of your choice. What would you like?

Fat Kid: NOM NOM NOM, ME WANT SODA NOM NOM NOM.

Dad: What? Milk? OK, milk it is.

Fat Kid: NOOO ME WANT SODA - PEPSI OR SPRITE.

Dad: Oh, you want skim milk? Sounds good to me.

Fat Kid: NOOOO DADDY NOM NOM NOM ME WANT YUM YUM SODA NOM NOM NOM.

Dad: I know, I know. Skim milk it is, you don't have to repeat yourself. Yep, skim milk with rat poison so you die you little turd, why do you have to constantly interrupt me having sex with my wi... oh wait, was I just talking out loud? Please ignore everything I just said!

5. OK, nothing against Ragu or spaghetti, even though spaghetti is impossible to make, but if a fat kid is traumatized and is asked for one meal to make himself feel better, wouldn't you think he'd choose something other than spaghetti? Maybe pizza or McDonald's or Taco Bell or wirhweoueevbiurghwoiehr. Sorry, I drooled all over my keyboard and it wouldn't type the letters properly. But anyway, why spaghetti? It's not realistic.

But I guess this kid just loves his Ragu spaghetti. Or does he? Let's take a look:



Is it just me, or does the fat kid not seem satisfied at all? On the contrary, it looks like he's about to puke his brains out.

I can only imagine what his dad is thinking at this point: "Looks like the poison is taking effect. Excellent. Soon enough I'll be able to bang my wife all night long without worrying about my obese son ruining our good time."







2. Matt Christiano Doritos Locos Tacos

Speaking of Taco Bell, I'm sure you've all heard of Doritos Locos Tacos. I finally tried one recently, and it was pretty solid. It wasn't worth driving across the country or anything, but I could happily eat them for dinner for an entire month.

If you know what Doritos Locos Tacos are, then I imagine you first became aware of them in the Matt Christiano commercial. If you click the link, you can see Taco Bell talking about some fool who drove 937 miles to try one of those Doritos Locos Tacos.

Look, I love tacos and I love Doritos. If it were up to me, we'd replace everything with tacos and Doritos. And I mean everything. Instead of cell phones, why not have a taco that rings and texts? Want to propose to a woman? The ring will be a Dorito; not a useless diamond. And houses, cars and boats? All made out of tacos and Doritos. What a fantastic world that would be. I mean really, everyone's troubles would go away, and we'd live in harmony. I don't know what the hell Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are promising this election campaign, but if either one vows to make the world like this, he'll have my vote.

With that in mind, however, there's no way in hell I'm driving 937 miles for a Dorito Locos Taco. What a stupid idea. Why not just buy a taco from Taco Bell, unwrap the bread part and put Doritos in there? It's ghetto, but it's the same damn thing.

But no, Christiano gathered up his friends and ventured halfway across the country just to eat a Dorito Locos Taco. That begs the question, where the hell does Christiano live that he had to travel nearly 1,000 miles? If you think about it, if Doritos Locos Tacos are only available every 1,000 miles or so in this country, whom is Taco Bell advertising to? By its logic, most people won't even have access to a Doritos Locos Taco. How are we supposed to buy something that's not available for purchase anywhere?

Oh, and let's discuss Christiano's "gathering" of his friends. More like, Christiano kidnapped his friends and ventured halfway across the country. I can buy one crazed lunatic willing to travel 937 miles to eat a taco wrapped in a Dorito shell, but four? No way. Here's how Christiano "convinced" his friends to come with him:

Matt Christiano: Teeheehee who wants to travel 937 miles to get some Doritos Locos Tacos?

Guy 1: What? You want to drive 937 miles for a taco? GTFO.

Guy 2: Yeah man, only someone insane would want to do that.

Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, well what if I told you that I am holding your loved ones hostage in a secret underground facility? Guy 1, I have your parents at gunpoint right now. And Guy 2, your girlfriend is in a cell. All I have to do is say the word, and she'll be raped by a giant panda bear! Teeheehee!

Guy 1: You kidnapped my parents so that I would go to you to a Taco Bell a thousand miles away?

Guy 2: Panda bear? Where the f*** did you get a panda bear?

Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, time's awasting, my pretties, let's hit the road for some Doritos Locos Tacos, shall we?

OK, so that explains how Christiano coaxed the two guys into driving 937 miles with him. But what about the girl? Her being there is way more inexplicable than anything else. I can at least buy the possibility of two loser dudes having nothing better to do than joining Christiano on his taco quest, but there is no way in hell that a hot girl would be in on this adventure. It's a scientific fact that hot girls don't travel more than 50 miles unless it's to see their family or boyfriend.

Here's how it all went down as Christiano approached his destination:

Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, we're almost here, my pretties!

Guy 1: Dude, can you at least assure me that my parents are OK?

Guy 2: Yeah man, I want to know that my girlfriend hasn't been raped by a panda bear.

Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, first I must have my Doritos Locos Tacos, and then I will end your suffering! Teeheehee!

Guy 1: End our suffering? Wait, you're going to kill us?

Guy 2: What!?

Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, yes, my pretties, this is all going according to plan!

Hot Girl: Wait, please, Matt, you love me, right? Why don't you let these two guys go and just have me as your hostage? Untie me, and I will make sweet, passionate love to you all night long.

Matt Christiano: Sweet passionate love, yes? Can Doritos Locos Tacos be involved?

Hot Girl: Oh yes, I will feed you Doritos Locos Tacos as we have hot sex.

Matt Christiano: What do you think I am, a fool? Look, we have arrived to Taco Bell! I will have some Doritos Locos Tacos, and then I will kill you two guys and dispose of your corpses in the river! Teeheehee! As for you, my sweet, innocent flower, you will remain tied up but will feed me Doritos Locos Tacos every night from now until eternity! Teeheehee!

It should be obvious that the only way the hot girl was in the car with Christiano is if he tied her up. That's the only reasonable explanation. But this got me thinking - what if this is just a dramatization? What if the girl wasn't nearly as smoking in real life? What if she was... fat!?

Matt Christiano: I cannot wait to get my hands on some Doritos Locos Tacos!

Fat Girl: HA! WE SHALL SEE IF YOU GET HAND ON DORITO LOCO TACO! ME PLAN ON EAT ALL DORITO LOCO TACO IN TACO BELL!

Matt Christiano: But... but... I drove 937 miles just to get Doritos Locos Tacos. Can I eat at least one?

Hot Girl: UNPOSSIBLES! ME WANT EAT ALL DORITO LOCO TACO NOT ONLY IN RESTAURANT BUT WHOLE UNITED STATE! YOU HAVE SERVE PURPOSE TO DRIVE ME TO TACO BELL, NOW ME GO INSIDE AND EAT ALL FOOD NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Matt Christiano: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!

That commercial was obviously a hoax. Poor Matt Christiano never got his hands on a Doritos Locos Taco. That hot fat chick ate all of them.





3. Domino's Pizza Commercial

I want you to take a close look at the 3-second mark of this commercial. Try to see if you can find something very weird. I'll even include a screen shot:



The black kid with the megaphone? Nope. Stop being racist. Black kids can play with megaphones all they want.

The creepy, mustachioed man in the background? Nope. There are strange pervs around kids everywhere - especially at Syracuse. I can't believe the major child rape cover-up they had at that school. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Give up? It's the pizza delivery chick. A Domino's commercial recently came on during one of the football games and it featured a delivery woman. And that's when it hit me - I have never seen a delivery woman in my life. Every single delivery person I've ever encountered has been a guy, usually some shady Russian man in his 50s. But never a woman. Not once. And I don't think any exist.

This made me sad because the following scenario could never happen...

Pizza Delivery Chick: That'll be $13.50.

Me: Oh no, I only have $5. Whatever shall I do?

Pizza Delivery Chick: I know a way that you can work off the $8.50.

Me: How?

Pizza Delivery Chick: Show me to your bedroom, and I'll tell you how.

Ah, if only this were reality.

Anyway, when this commercial aired, I asked the guys in the Live In-Game Thread on the forum if they had ever seen a female delivery person. Everyone said no - except for Joe Legend, who had something incredible to say:

"Move to Wichita. I have a female friend that worked at Pizza Hut and got fired for sleeping with a customer."

And it's now official that Pizza Hut sucks a**. How can you fire a delivery chick for sleeping with a customer? How does that hurt the company in any way? If anything, it would help business. If I owned a pizza joint, I'd hire her immediately.

This naturally gave me a great idea. What if there was a restaurant called Pizza and Sex? There would be hot delivery chicks who would come by, have sex with you and then leave so that you could eat the pizza alone. How amazing would that be?

I presented my idea to the guys on the forum, and they loved it. Pheltz and Ragnarok immediately came up with names for the place. Rags' ideas were Domihoes and California Pizza Brothel. Pheltz's were Pizza Slut, Papa Boner's and Chuck E. Jizzes. Rags then thought of three awesome slogans:

"It's not just our dough that's rising."

"Sausage in your mouth and ours."

"We'll serve you pepperoni and take care of yours too."

I asked why this hasn't been done already, and no one had a good answer. Someone said that it would be illegal, violating prostitution laws. To that, I say prostitution shmostitution. There's no way in hell it's prostitution. You're paying for a pizza; not sex. If the hot delivery girls, who show up wearing skimpy clothing, want to please you with sexual acts, that's their decision. Not ours.

I feel like I'm sitting on a multi-billion dollar idea here. Investors, please send me your money so I can make this happen. Pizza chefs, send me your pizza samples in the mail. Hot chick applicants, send me your naked pictures, I mean resumes, and I'll get back to you.

This is going to be awesome. Soon enough, you'll see pizza commercials with chicks in lingerie. The world will be a much better place because of that - and we haven't even touched on my taco and Dorito replacement idea yet.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 24


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 22


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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