Couldn't agree more. Berman is one of the top 10 (wait...let's double check ESPN's roster...), top 5 talents ESPN has. In fact, I propose a White House petition to bring back, back, back, back, back the Berman/Jackson NFL Primetime.
I did, however, get a suggestion from a couple of the readers who thought I should make fun of a Ragu commercial where a fat kid walks in on his parents having sex. Sir Winston posted the link in the comment section, and after reviewing the ad, I agree that there is a ton of potential with it. And to top it off, it meshes well with the other commercials I already planned to mock because they're all food-related.
Food makes me very excited. In fact, just discussing it makes me want to eat my mouse, so before I do that, let's start making fun of these crappy commercials.
The first thing I noticed in this commercial is that the carpet in the hallway looks like a pizza. Seriously, take a second glance. It's a freaking pizza rug. No wonder this kid is fat. He wakes up, goes to school, comes home, does his homework, eats dinner, eats a second dinner, brushes his teeth, eats a third dinner and goes to bed - all while walking by a pizza on the ground. I wouldn't be surprised if he flunks his tests because he gives answers like:
1. What is 24 divided by 3?
PIZZA PIZZA NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
2. What is 35 divided by 5?
ME WANT PIZZA ON GROUND NOM NOM NOM!!!
And then there's the dinner scene - this poor fat kid saw his dad banging his mom, and now he gets to have spaghetti to make him feel better. The premise seems plausible enough. However, let's take a close look at what's going on here:
As you can see, I highlighted five items in this image that absolutely need to be discussed:
1. NOM NOM NOM SPAGHETTI NOM NOM NOM!!!
2. So this is the guy who was caught banging his wife. Does anyone feel cheated by this? He's included in the commercial, but the mother isn't. All we see is half of the back of her head. I want to see what she looks like so I can determine if she's a MILF. Is that too much to ask? And if it's not too much to ask, can the fat kid please carry a camera into his parents' bedroom next time and film it so we can watch what's going on?
Speaking of his parents' bedroom, why wasn't it locked? Seriously, parents, if you're going to bang, just lock the freaking the door - especially if you have a fat son and a pizza rug next to your bedroom. He's just going to be naturally drawn to that area.
3. Are those... vegetables...? BLEGH! Come on. This poor fat kid just saw his dad banging his mom. Give him a completely tasty dinner; don't ruin it with f***ing vegetables. Let him complement his spaghetti with some Cheetos or Oreos or cheeseburgers; not disgusting vegetables. Everyone knows that fat kids are allergic to vegetables anyway, so it's like the fat kid's parents want to kill him. Perhaps this is their plan so that they can freely have sex without being interrupted.
4. Milk? Milk!? MILK!?!??!?! I can only imagine...
Dad: So, since you caught me banging your mom, I'm giving you spaghetti, poisonous veget... I mean vegetables that definitely aren't poisonous and the beverage of your choice. What would you like?
Fat Kid: NOM NOM NOM, ME WANT SODA NOM NOM NOM.
Dad: What? Milk? OK, milk it is.
Fat Kid: NOOO ME WANT SODA - PEPSI OR SPRITE.
Dad: Oh, you want skim milk? Sounds good to me.
Fat Kid: NOOOO DADDY NOM NOM NOM ME WANT YUM YUM SODA NOM NOM NOM.
Dad: I know, I know. Skim milk it is, you don't have to repeat yourself. Yep, skim milk with rat poison so you die you little turd, why do you have to constantly interrupt me having sex with my wi... oh wait, was I just talking out loud? Please ignore everything I just said!
5. OK, nothing against Ragu or spaghetti, even though spaghetti is impossible to make, but if a fat kid is traumatized and is asked for one meal to make himself feel better, wouldn't you think he'd choose something other than spaghetti? Maybe pizza or McDonald's or Taco Bell or wirhweoueevbiurghwoiehr. Sorry, I drooled all over my keyboard and it wouldn't type the letters properly. But anyway, why spaghetti? It's not realistic.
But I guess this kid just loves his Ragu spaghetti. Or does he? Let's take a look:
Is it just me, or does the fat kid not seem satisfied at all? On the contrary, it looks like he's about to puke his brains out.
I can only imagine what his dad is thinking at this point: "Looks like the poison is taking effect. Excellent. Soon enough I'll be able to bang my wife all night long without worrying about my obese son ruining our good time."
Speaking of Taco Bell, I'm sure you've all heard of Doritos Locos Tacos. I finally tried one recently, and it was pretty solid. It wasn't worth driving across the country or anything, but I could happily eat them for dinner for an entire month.
If you know what Doritos Locos Tacos are, then I imagine you first became aware of them in the Matt Christiano commercial. If you click the link, you can see Taco Bell talking about some fool who drove 937 miles to try one of those Doritos Locos Tacos.
Look, I love tacos and I love Doritos. If it were up to me, we'd replace everything with tacos and Doritos. And I mean everything. Instead of cell phones, why not have a taco that rings and texts? Want to propose to a woman? The ring will be a Dorito; not a useless diamond. And houses, cars and boats? All made out of tacos and Doritos. What a fantastic world that would be. I mean really, everyone's troubles would go away, and we'd live in harmony. I don't know what the hell Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are promising this election campaign, but if either one vows to make the world like this, he'll have my vote.
With that in mind, however, there's no way in hell I'm driving 937 miles for a Dorito Locos Taco. What a stupid idea. Why not just buy a taco from Taco Bell, unwrap the bread part and put Doritos in there? It's ghetto, but it's the same damn thing.
But no, Christiano gathered up his friends and ventured halfway across the country just to eat a Dorito Locos Taco. That begs the question, where the hell does Christiano live that he had to travel nearly 1,000 miles? If you think about it, if Doritos Locos Tacos are only available every 1,000 miles or so in this country, whom is Taco Bell advertising to? By its logic, most people won't even have access to a Doritos Locos Taco. How are we supposed to buy something that's not available for purchase anywhere?
Oh, and let's discuss Christiano's "gathering" of his friends. More like, Christiano kidnapped his friends and ventured halfway across the country. I can buy one crazed lunatic willing to travel 937 miles to eat a taco wrapped in a Dorito shell, but four? No way. Here's how Christiano "convinced" his friends to come with him:
Matt Christiano: Teeheehee who wants to travel 937 miles to get some Doritos Locos Tacos?
Guy 1: What? You want to drive 937 miles for a taco? GTFO.
Guy 2: Yeah man, only someone insane would want to do that.
Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, well what if I told you that I am holding your loved ones hostage in a secret underground facility? Guy 1, I have your parents at gunpoint right now. And Guy 2, your girlfriend is in a cell. All I have to do is say the word, and she'll be raped by a giant panda bear! Teeheehee!
Guy 1: You kidnapped my parents so that I would go to you to a Taco Bell a thousand miles away?
Guy 2: Panda bear? Where the f*** did you get a panda bear?
Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, time's awasting, my pretties, let's hit the road for some Doritos Locos Tacos, shall we?
OK, so that explains how Christiano coaxed the two guys into driving 937 miles with him. But what about the girl? Her being there is way more inexplicable than anything else. I can at least buy the possibility of two loser dudes having nothing better to do than joining Christiano on his taco quest, but there is no way in hell that a hot girl would be in on this adventure. It's a scientific fact that hot girls don't travel more than 50 miles unless it's to see their family or boyfriend.
Here's how it all went down as Christiano approached his destination:
Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, we're almost here, my pretties!
Guy 1: Dude, can you at least assure me that my parents are OK?
Guy 2: Yeah man, I want to know that my girlfriend hasn't been raped by a panda bear.
Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, first I must have my Doritos Locos Tacos, and then I will end your suffering! Teeheehee!
Guy 1: End our suffering? Wait, you're going to kill us?
Guy 2: What!?
Matt Christiano: Teeheehee, yes, my pretties, this is all going according to plan!
Hot Girl: Wait, please, Matt, you love me, right? Why don't you let these two guys go and just have me as your hostage? Untie me, and I will make sweet, passionate love to you all night long.
Matt Christiano: Sweet passionate love, yes? Can Doritos Locos Tacos be involved?
Hot Girl: Oh yes, I will feed you Doritos Locos Tacos as we have hot sex.
Matt Christiano: What do you think I am, a fool? Look, we have arrived to Taco Bell! I will have some Doritos Locos Tacos, and then I will kill you two guys and dispose of your corpses in the river! Teeheehee! As for you, my sweet, innocent flower, you will remain tied up but will feed me Doritos Locos Tacos every night from now until eternity! Teeheehee!
It should be obvious that the only way the hot girl was in the car with Christiano is if he tied her up. That's the only reasonable explanation. But this got me thinking - what if this is just a dramatization? What if the girl wasn't nearly as smoking in real life? What if she was... fat!?
Matt Christiano: I cannot wait to get my hands on some Doritos Locos Tacos!
Fat Girl: HA! WE SHALL SEE IF YOU GET HAND ON DORITO LOCO TACO! ME PLAN ON EAT ALL DORITO LOCO TACO IN TACO BELL!
Matt Christiano: But... but... I drove 937 miles just to get Doritos Locos Tacos. Can I eat at least one?
Hot Girl: UNPOSSIBLES! ME WANT EAT ALL DORITO LOCO TACO NOT ONLY IN RESTAURANT BUT WHOLE UNITED STATE! YOU HAVE SERVE PURPOSE TO DRIVE ME TO TACO BELL, NOW ME GO INSIDE AND EAT ALL FOOD NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
Matt Christiano: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!
That commercial was obviously a hoax. Poor Matt Christiano never got his hands on a Doritos Locos Taco. That hot fat chick ate all of them.
I want you to take a close look at the 3-second mark of this commercial. Try to see if you can find something very weird. I'll even include a screen shot:
The black kid with the megaphone? Nope. Stop being racist. Black kids can play with megaphones all they want.
The creepy, mustachioed man in the background? Nope. There are strange pervs around kids everywhere - especially at Syracuse. I can't believe the major child rape cover-up they had at that school. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Give up? It's the pizza delivery chick. A Domino's commercial recently came on during one of the football games and it featured a delivery woman. And that's when it hit me - I have never seen a delivery woman in my life. Every single delivery person I've ever encountered has been a guy, usually some shady Russian man in his 50s. But never a woman. Not once. And I don't think any exist.
This made me sad because the following scenario could never happen...
Pizza Delivery Chick: That'll be $13.50.
Me: Oh no, I only have $5. Whatever shall I do?
Pizza Delivery Chick: I know a way that you can work off the $8.50.
Pizza Delivery Chick: Show me to your bedroom, and I'll tell you how.
Ah, if only this were reality.
Anyway, when this commercial aired, I asked the guys in the Live In-Game Thread on the forum if they had ever seen a female delivery person. Everyone said no - except for Joe Legend, who had something incredible to say:
"Move to Wichita. I have a female friend that worked at Pizza Hut and got fired for sleeping with a customer."
And it's now official that Pizza Hut sucks a**. How can you fire a delivery chick for sleeping with a customer? How does that hurt the company in any way? If anything, it would help business. If I owned a pizza joint, I'd hire her immediately.
This naturally gave me a great idea. What if there was a restaurant called Pizza and Sex? There would be hot delivery chicks who would come by, have sex with you and then leave so that you could eat the pizza alone. How amazing would that be?
I presented my idea to the guys on the forum, and they loved it. Pheltz and Ragnarok immediately came up with names for the place. Rags' ideas were Domihoes and California Pizza Brothel. Pheltz's were Pizza Slut, Papa Boner's and Chuck E. Jizzes. Rags then thought of three awesome slogans:
"It's not just our dough that's rising."
"Sausage in your mouth and ours."
"We'll serve you pepperoni and take care of yours too."
I asked why this hasn't been done already, and no one had a good answer. Someone said that it would be illegal, violating prostitution laws. To that, I say prostitution shmostitution. There's no way in hell it's prostitution. You're paying for a pizza; not sex. If the hot delivery girls, who show up wearing skimpy clothing, want to please you with sexual acts, that's their decision. Not ours.
I feel like I'm sitting on a multi-billion dollar idea here. Investors, please send me your money so I can make this happen. Pizza chefs, send me your pizza samples in the mail. Hot chick applicants, send me your naked pictures, I mean resumes, and I'll get back to you.
This is going to be awesome. Soon enough, you'll see pizza commercials with chicks in lingerie. The world will be a much better place because of that - and we haven't even touched on my taco and Dorito replacement idea yet.