I've discussed my trips to Tampa and the Jersey Shore over the past two months. However, in doing so, I've neglected to mention what's been going on in my area. I wrote this Jerks entry several months ago, but I'm publishing it now that my summer series are over.
I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but cereal is my life. It's one of a few things I know how to make in the kitchen, and it's the only thing I ever eat for breakfast unless I have the occasional Pop Tart or make a trip to iHop. The latter, unfortunately, is no longer an option because the one around the corner from my house closed down. I sat in my room and cried for days upon learning this horrifying news.
Luckily, I had cereal to comfort me. Looking in my pantry right now, I have: Cocoa Pebbles, Fruity Pebbles, Fruit Loops, Golden Grahams, Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms, Chocolate Lucky Charms, Chocolate Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios, Cookie Crisp, Corn Stars and Captain Crunch.
I've made my infatuation with Cocoa Pebbles known many times in these Jerks of the Week entries, but I'll admit that I started to get a bit tired of that recently. One morning, I had enough. "I'm going to get new cereal because I'm tired of Cocoa Pebbles!" I shouted to myself in my office. My windows were open, so my neighbors must now think I'm a raging lunatic if they heard me. But I don't care. Cereal is that important to me.
I wandered over to Bottom Dollar with the sole purpose of purchasing new cereal. My top three choices, which I didn't have at the time, were Cocoa Puffs, Golden Grahams and Corn Pops. Unfortunately, Bottom Dollar didn't have any of those choices. I go to Bottom Dollar because it's right next to my development, but that store doesn't always carry the best products.
I stood there for what seemed like hours. What should I go with? Fruit Loops? No, I have those. Lucky Charms? Have those too... Hmm...
And that's when it hit me. There are so many cereals I've never tried before. Just looking at the boxes right now, I had never once sampled Apple Jacks, Captain Crunch, Life, Honey Smacks or Cookie Crisp. As a cereal connoisseur, I was completely disappointed in myself. At the same time, however, this was my opportunity to try a fresh experience.
"I am going to try new cereals from now on!" I shouted again to myself. A middle-aged woman looked at me like I was nuts, but I didn't care. And so began the Cereal Trilogy...
1. Cookie Crisp:
Cookie Crisp intrigued me the most out of all the cereal options. Cookies and milk together in one bowl? What a genius idea. I'm a pretty pathetic excuse for a fat man for not trying Cookie Crisp before.
My one reservation with Cookie Crisp is that it reminded me a bit of Oreo O's. For you non-fat people out there, Oreo O's was a cereal made in the early 2000s. They were tiny Oreos in the shape of Cheerios. I'm a huge fan of Oreos, so this seemed like a great idea - and it was. The first time I consumed Oreo O's was one of the greatest experiences of my life. The second instance was also good. The third time was OK. My fourth Oreo O's breakfast was disastrous. It inexplicably went from being awesome to tasting like vomit. It's no surprise that they discontinued Oreo O's. The world was a better place the day they made that decision.
Nevertheless, I thought I'd give Cookie Crisp a try. I brought it to the register, where a guy in his 60s with long, unkempt, gray hair was the only other person in line. This guy was coughing like crazy and clutching his kidney as he was doing this. More interestingly, he had five boxes of Lucky Charms among other things in his shopping cart. I'm not sure if he was a cereal fanatic like me, or if he thought there was a kidney as a prize in one of the boxes.
The cashier, a red-headed Irish woman in her late 30s, rang up his total. She told him the amount he had to pay, but he didn't seem to understand her. He was in pretty bad shape.
Kidney Man: COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, what's the amount I have to pay COUGH, COUGH?
Irish Woman: The total is $52.22.
Kidney Man: COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, I can't see straight, hold on COUGH, COUGH.
Irish Woman: Excuse me?
Kidney Man, still grabbin his kidney, went around the counter and leaned in to the cash register.
Kidney Man: COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, that's a five... COUGH, COUGH... hold on... COUGH, COUGH... COUGH, COUGH... yeah I think that's a two... COUGH, COUGH...
Irish Woman: Sir, you can't be back here.
Kidney Man: COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, hold on one second... COUGH, COUGH... wow, that's another two... COUGH, COUGH...
Irish Woman looked completely disgusted, as Kidney Man's phlegm spewed all over her shirt. It only got worse for Irish Woman, as a senile-looking old woman approached her as this was going on.
Senile Lady: Excush me mish, ish thish for shale?
Irish Woman: The Hungry Man fish and mashed potatoes? I don't think so.
Senile Lady: But itsh shaysh it'sh for shale, mish.
Kidney Man: COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, whoa, there's another two here, COUGH,COUGH, so that would be $52.22, COUGH, COUGH.
Irish Woman lost it.
Irish Woman: I SAID $52.22 BEFORE! NOW GET BACK IN LINE AND STOP COUGHING ON ME, AND NO, THE HUNGRY MAN FOOD IS NOT ON SALE!
Kidney Man and Senile Lady were both taken aback, while I tried my best to hold in my laughter. I haven't seen Irish Woman working at Bottom Dollar ever since. If she wasn't fired, she most definitely quit out of frustration.
I eventually completed my Cookie Crisp purchase. When I was back home, I eagerly opened up the box, poured some of the tiny cookies into a bowl and drenched them with milk. I scooped some into my mouth, and...
It tasted even s***tier than my fourth Oreo O's experience. How could this be? Cookies and milk are supposed to taste good - not like crap. This ruined the rest of my day.
2. Corn Nuggets:
"F*** this new cereal, s***," I said, talking to myself as I ventured to Bottom Dollar the following week. I wanted something that I knew I liked but hadn't consumed in quite a while.
I suddenly had a craving for Corn Pops. Bottom Dollar didn't have Corn Pops the last time I went there, but maybe they just ran out of stock and replenished their supply.
My dreams were crushed when I perused the cereal aisle and found no boxes of Corn Pops. There weren't any Cocoa Puffs or Golden Grahams there either. I was pretty pissed about this. Seriously, what kind of supermarket doesn't sell Cocoa Puffs, Golden Grahams or Corn Pops? If you're a fat man like me, I know you're completely offended right now. And rightfully so. These monsters shouldn't be able to get away with this much longer.
Bottom Dollar has tons of non-brand cereals. Among my favorites are Magic Stars (Lucky Charms facsimile) with a magician on the box; Cinni-Mini Crunch (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) with a kangaroo mascot; Confruity Crisp (Fruity Pebbles) featuring a dinosaur; Koo-Kies (Cookie Crisp) with a raccoon; Cocoa Crunchier (Cocoa Puffs) that has a gorilla on the box - which I'm positive is racist; Honey and Nut Tasteeos. There's no mascot for that, but take a wild guess what that's supposed to be.
One in particular caught my eye:
Corn Nuggets... how can that possibly be so much different than Corn Pops? They have to at least be somewhat close, right? I grabbed a box and then picked up a half gallon of milk and ventured toward the cash registers. Once again, there was only one person ahead of me - a Russian woman with a faint mustache and a mole on her jaw with some hair growing out of it. I nearly vomited right on the spot.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady was arguing with the cashier, a small Indian chick.
This reminded me of the Star Trek episode when the bad guys were torturing Captain Picard and trying to force him to cooperate by saying there were only five lights instead of four - except in this case, I was the one suffering because I waited there forever as the two women had their disagreement. The impasse finally came to a conclusion when the Indian chick noticed that there were, in fact, three coupons. Two of them were stuck together, apparently.
Indian Cashier: Oh, I see it now. I'm so sorry for the confusion.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: I tell you zere sree coopon! Vhy you no listen? I tell you sree coopon, but you alvays say two coopon!
Indian Cashier: Sorry, miss.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: You try steal! I have sree coopon, but you say two because you try steal!
Indian Cashier: No, miss, I didn't see it. I'm sorry!
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: Hmph!
Russian Mole Mustache Lady then noticed I was listening in on the conversation. She stared at me disapprovingly until she saw my half gallon of milk.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: May 2 iz good day! Good day for milk!
Me: Umm... OK...
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: No, I tell you iz good day! Iz good day for milk!
Me: I guess... it is kind of far away from now.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: Vhy you no believe? May 2 iz good day! I tell you iz good day, iz good day!
Me: OK, OK, fine.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady must have thought I wasn't convinced because she frustratingly shook her head. I'm not sure what type of bizarre reality she lives in, but if she's married, I feel sorry for her husband. Can you imagine the arguments they get into on a daily basis?
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: Vhy you no go to store buy bread? Vee need bread!
Russian Mole Mustache Man: I did. The bread is right here.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: Day no good on bread! Vhy date no good? Vhy no get bread vis good day?
Russian Mole Mustache Man: But this bread will be fresh for 10 more days!
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: Iz no good! Need bread vill be fresh for sirseen more day! Go back to store, buy bread vis good day!
Russian Mole Mustache Man: I think I'll go to my office instead and hang myself.
Russian Mole Mustache Lady: Don't be idiot! You have no good rope! Go to store, buy good road vis good day!
Russian Mole Mustache Lady's hairy mole will haunt my dreams for years to come, but I hoped I could get a nice reprieve while eating Corn Nuggets. I dumped the Corn Nuggets into a bowl and poured in the milk. I sat down and tried it.
It was as if I put the spoon into my trash can and scooped garbage into my mouth. It was that bad. It faintly resembled Corn Pops, but it had this despicable aftertaste that I will never forget as long as I live.
The worst of it is that I occasionally have dreams where Russian Mole Mustache Lady is feeding me Corn Nuggets. I think I need to see a therapist.
3. Captain Crunch:
I decided that I was never trying non-brand cereals ever again. So, it was back to the drawing board for me. It was time to try one of: Captain Crunch, Honey Smacks or Apple Jacks. I decided on the former because A) apples and milk don't mix; B) the shape of the Honey Smacks closely resemble what the Corn Nuggets look like, which made me shudder; C) Bottom Dollar once again didn't have any boxes of Cocoa Puffs, Golden Grahams or Corn Pops; and D) my Asian friend Not Asian Guy recommended Captain Crunch to me.
Fortunately, I didn't have any difficulty paying for items this time; there were no crazy lunatics or dying individuals on that particular afternoon. The interesting part of that visit to Bottom Dollar occurred after I paid.
I was placing the items I purchased into my recyclable bags - Bottom Dollar makes you either bring your own bags or pay for them - when I noticed that this woman in her 70s, who was wearing sunglasses and had dyed, jet-black hair, was carrying a poodle around. This drew the ire of the store manager, a stern black lady.
Manager: Excuse me, ma'am! You're not allowed to have a dog in the store!
Old Dog Lady: But he's just a little tiny dog. He's not doing any harm. Right, Georgie? Right, boo-boo?
Manager: Ma'am! This is a supermarket! We sell food here! We cannot allow any types of animals in the store unless they are for people who have disabilities.
Old Dog Lady: I have a disability! I can show you my handicapped license plate if you don't believe me!
Manager: Not that type of disability, ma'am. I'm talking about dogs for blind people.
Old Dog Lady: I don't see what the difference is! He's just hurting anyone!
Manager: He's hurting customers who don't want there to be dog hair in their food!
Old Dog Lady didn't seem to understand that she was in the wrong, but she eventually agreed to leave the store. As timing would have it, we walked out at the same time. She looked at me and said, "Can you believe how rude they are here? My little Georgie just wanted to go to the supermarket."
I just smiled and agreed with her. I would've told her that she was both a lunatic for thinking her dog cared about going to the supermarket and an a**hole for not leaving right away, but I just left her to her delusions because I had some cereal to eat.
Unlike Cookie Crisp and Corn Nuggets, Captain Crunch wasn't that bad. I actually finished the bowl.
I've been happily eating Cocoa Puffs and Golden Grahams ever since. I finally stopped being lazy and started driving to Acme. They have all the cereal brands there...
Well, all of the good ones, at least. I haven't seen Corn Nuggets in Acme's cereal aisle. That's probably because Corn Nuggets have been haunting my dreams instead.
If you didn't see my Facebook post, I took a ton of Twitter heat on Friday for absolutely no legitimate reason. It had to do with a tweet about Adrian Peterson. Click the link to read all about this "sand in the vag" related fun.