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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011




Jerks of the Week for Sept. 26, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Rite-Aid

The pharmacy I frequent whenever I need anything is the Rite-Aid near my parents' house. I used to go there when I was a kid, so I just stuck with it. There are closer Rite-Aids and CVSes near my house, but I usually make the 10-minute drive to go back to the familiar Rite-Aid. I guess I'm a creature of habit and I hate change. You can guess whom I didn't vote for in the 2008 election.

Well, I'm making a change for once in my life. I don't think I'm ever going to that Rite-Aid ever again.

This past Thursday, I was coming home from my old gym - the one with all of the fat women who want to eat me - when I decided to stop in at the Rite-Aid to pick up two very important items: ACT Listerine (as recommended by my dentist) and butterscotch candies. Butterscotch candies are very important to me. Almost as important as Cocoa Pebbles.

I strolled into the Rite-Aid, and I was instantly confused. The shelves were out of place; they were positioned vertically throughout the store instead of horizontally. There were giant brown skid marks on the floor as well. Either a very fat man took a dump and wiped his a** on the floor, or the workers left those marks when they were moving the shelves.

I actually got somewhat dizzy just looking at everything. All of the items were out of place - so much so that I couldn't find anything. I seriously scoured the entire store three times and I couldn't find the toothpaste aisle. I would have asked a worker, but there was no one there but a female Mexican cashier, who was backed up.

As I walked by the toy aisle for the third time, I saw a little blond girl of 6 or 7 beaming at these toy necklaces. I really don't know what she saw in them; they were these hideous purple-pink dollar sign-shaped pendants. I don't even think a crack addict would buy one of them for her daughter. Nevertheless, the little girl wanted one.

Little Girl: Mommy, mommy! I want this!

Mommy: No, that's crap. You can get something else.

As Mommy walked away, Little Girl tried to put the dollar sign-shaped pendant back on the hook, but it wouldn't stay on. She tried like five times, and just gave up and threw it on the ground.

So, everything is misplaced and the items don't even fit on the shelves, but it can't get any worse right? Well, no. On my fourth and final trip around the store, I overheard an exchange with a fat black woman, her young daughter (about 4-5) and the aforementioned cashier.

Little Girl No. 2: Mommy, I have to go pee-pee!

Fat Black Woman: Can my daughter use your bafroom?

Mexican Cashier: Eh, iz basroom door iz locked.

Fat Black Woman: Do you have a key for the bafroom?

Mexican Cashier: No, no, iz out of order.

Fat Black Woman: Bafroom out of orda!? Bafroom out of orda!?!?!

Fat Black Woman and her daughter walked toward me. She muttered, "Bafroom out of orda!?" three times to herself before she saw me. I guess she felt like she needed to tell me this essential information.

Fat Black Woman: The bafroom out of orda!!!

At this point, I was so annoyed that I couldn't find the two items I was searching for that I yelled incoherently.

Me: This whole store is out of order!!!

Fat Black Woman stopped dead in her tracks and gave me a quizzical look. She then grabbed her daughter's hand and walked away.

Fat Black Woman: Let's get outta here baby girl, this whole damn place is crazy.

Fat Black Woman was right, although she probably may think that I backed up the bathroom and left the skid marks on the floor because there was no toilet paper. I just hope she doesn't have a Jerks of the Week-type section on her own Web site.






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: CVS

As mentioned, there's a CVS near my house. It's actually within walking distance, but there's a giant hill and no sidewalk - so there are two options:

1) Get run over by a car on the side of the road.

2) Try to climb the steep hill, fall down, tumble into the middle of the road, and then get run over by a car.

It's not good, so I haven't been to that CVS much. I did go to another CVS recently - the same one where Chain-Wearing Weirdo tried to steal beef jerky. After eating dinner with some friends at New England Pizza, I had to buy eye drops (more on that later). This CVS just happened to be within walking distance, so I decided to go there.

Everything seemed normal at first. I grabbed the eye drops and stood in line. There were two people ahead of me: a random dude in his 50s, and a lady with a little girl of about 5 who had curly blond hair. The little girl was really hyper and ran around everywhere. Finally, something caught her attention - on one of the racks, she spotted a Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD.

Before I go on, the Super Mario Bros. Super Show was my favorite program as a kid. I used to rush home and watch it every day after school. It involved a real-life Mario and Luigi (Mario played by the late Captain Lou Albano) and a cartoon in the middle. Every Friday, they'd show a Zelda cartoon where Link tried to kiss the princess, but always failed.

I actually have one of the DVDs. I found it at Best Buy and bought for nostalgic purposes. My friend Josh and I watched one of the episodes a couple of years ago, and we laughed uncontrollably because it was so cheesy. For instance, take a look at the opening of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.

If you think that's bad, take a look at the credits. Think I can go to Whiskey Tango and pick up chicks by doing the Mario? I need to try this.

At any rate, the little girl picked up the Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD and brought it to her mother.

Little Girl No. 3: Mommy, I want this!

Mother: Don't we have this already?

Little Girl: Nooo!!! I don't have it! I want it!

Mother: OK, fine.

Me: I don't have this Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD, so I will commandeer it from you! Muhahahahaha!!!

OK, I'm not a complete douche. I didn't steal it from the little girl. But you better believe that I wanted to.

Anyway, it was finally my turn in line. The eye drops came out to be $11.78. I reached into my pocket and pulled out $27. Thanks to the power of the chicken parm I devoured at New England Pizza, I was able to do some quick math and realize that I could get a $10 bill back if I handed the cashier $22. This completely confused him.

Cashier: Uhh... $11.78.

Me: Yeah, I know. Here's $22.

Cashier: Uhh... do you want change?

Me: Of course not. I'm giving you a 100-percent tip for just doing your job.

OK, I'm not a complete douche, so I didn't say that. I just shoved the $22 in his face and told him that I did in fact want change.

I'm still amazed by this. Did he really think I was giving him a $10-plus tip? He didn't even do anything. Now, if he helped me steal the Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD from that little girl, maybe I would have handed him a few extra bucks.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Blind Hick

About the aforementioned eye drops - I've been taking them because I stare at the computer screen all day. The vision in my left eye has really gotten bad over the years. It started when I was a senior at Penn State, and it's progressively worsened. My mom suggested that I should see the eye doctor before the same thing starts happening to my right eye, so I scheduled an appointment back in early August.

I can't exactly remember what the date was, but in football terms, I can tell you it was the same day that Eagles defensive tackle Mike Patterson had a seizure at training camp. I remember this because they were reporting it on TV in the waiting room.

The only other person in the waiting room was a man in his 40s who was sporting a dirty, curly mullet and an ugly, gray wife beater. He watched the Patterson report eagerly and then proceeded to chug an entire bottle of soda in a matter of minutes.

Just as this man finished the soda, his wife and son came back from the bathroom. The woman was fat, while the son was chubby, and like his dad, he was proudly wearing a mullet and a wife beater. He was about 12, and I wasn't completely sure that he was a male.

T At any rate, the wife noticed the empty soda bottle...

Fat Wife: What happened to my Cherry Coke?

Hick: I gotta stay dehydrated because of what happened to dem football player!

Fat Wife: What football player?

Hick: Dem football player on the TV! He done collapsed durin' practice cuz he din't have enough water. That's why I done and gone drank all your Cherry Coke!

Ah, yes, because the process of waiting for an eye doctor is just as grueling as football practice in 90-degree heat. Quick, someone get this man another Cherry Coke!

I eventually saw the eye doctor, and was diagnosed with Keratoconus. It sounds scary, but it's just a condition where one eye goes really blurry. It doesn't affect the other eye at all, which is good.

Of course, they put those weird drops into my eyes, so I could barely see anything afterward. I was in the waiting area again later on when the hick came out from the back.

Wife: So, what did the doc say?

Hick: Golden retriever!

Wife: What do y'all mean?

Hick: Golden retriever! I gone' be blind!

Poor Blind Hick. If only he had drank more Cherry Coke, this may never have happened...




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Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
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Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
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Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
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Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 26


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 26


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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