My girlfriend and I went out to celebrate her final day at a job she held for a long time, but didn't like very much. The restaurant we went to was none other than Nifty Fifty's, a 50s-style burgers-and-shakes joint 15 minutes away from my house. That may not sound fancy-shmancy like Chez Pierre or Macaroni's - I still can't believe they don't serve macaroni and cheese - but Nifty Fifty's happens to be my favorite restaurant ever.
I've written about Nifty Fifty's before. I order two cheeseburgers, large cheese fries and a black-cherry soda every time I go. I've seriously gotten the same thing each time ever since I was 10 years old. You may wonder why I don't try something else. To that, I say: Don't be an idiot. If you love something, why choose another option? It doesn't make any sense. I mean, it's possible to like something more, but A) nothing beats cheeseburgers and cheese fries, and B) if I'm disappointed, I will have wasted a rare trip to Nifty Fifty's. If I ate there every week, perhaps I'd try something new, but it's a biannual trip, so I wouldn't dare ruin my dinner. As a fat man, it would be completely sacrilegious.
After we ordered - my girlfriend asked if I'd eat some of her Bacon-Ranch fries, and as a fat man, I was more than happy to oblige - she asked me if she could see my phone so she could send a picture of our dog to her own phone. About a minute later, she threw my phone into my face and pointed to the screen once it landed on the table.
"Who's this!?" she asked, angrily, pointing to a picture of some girl's blue eyes. That's all the picture was; just a pair of blue eyes that clearly belonged to a female (or a dude wearing eyeliner - not that there's anything wrong with that).
I was befuddled. I clicked on the picture, and the date saved said "6/30/2012." I was even more puzzled, since I bought my phone in 2014, and my previous phone, a crappy old Juke, had a terrible camera and a small screen, so I seldom took or received any pictures. I had a couple of blurry photos from my old phone that didn't transfer, so it didn't come from there. Besides, why would I just have a picture of someone's eyes on my phone?
So, where did this picture come from, and why was it placed on my phone nearly two years before I purchased it? It's almost like the diabolical a**hole who created this phone cackled, "Tee-hee-hee, I'm going to plant pictures of girls' eyes on these phones so the women who see these pictures will break up with their boyfriends and divorce their husbands, and then they will be mine! All mine! Tee-hee-hee!"
My girlfriend didn't break up with me. She did, however, scan through all of the other pictures to make sure I didn't have any random photos of other girls' eyes. As it turns out, she didn't find anything conspicuous to further fuel her anger. Thus, the matter was dropped, and we ate our dinner happily. And yes, I finished both orders of fries.
There was a good thing to come out of this, however. While my girlfriend was flipping through everything, I realized that I have a ton of random pictures on my phone. Some I took randomly. Others, I snapped for Jerks of the Week purposes, but never used them. So, I figured, why not make a Jerks of the Week entry out of it? Doing so could be fun, and at the very least, I can finally delete all of the random crap I forgot I had on my phone.
I have a dozen pictures to show you, and here's the first one:
I'm eating, since that's all I usually do. If you notice, my dog Sherlock basically has his nose in my plate, begging for food. He always does this, despite the fact that I never give him any scraps from the table. Literally, never - as in, I haven't done that a single time. Yet, he still keeps begging. You'd think he'd learn by now.
Anyway, as you may have noticed, I'm eating some sort of sandwich, with a side of tomatoes and some sort of green vegetable. You might be surprised that I'm eating these sorts of bad foods, but I remember being taught in health class that balance is a key to any great diet. So, you can have great food like delicious sandwiches, cheeseburgers and cheese fries, but only if you complement them with bad food like tomatoes and green vegetables. As my health teacher once said, "You can't have Vitamin X, if you don't have Vitamin C because X comes after C."
Speaking of delicious food, my girlfriend and I discovered this awesome Mexican restaurant named La Hacienda. We eat there once every four weeks or so, meaning that I always have to eat some vegetables either before or after. Because X comes before C.
I bring this up because in this same shopping center, there are two stores named: Religious Store and Tanning.
Wow, how creative. You'd think the tanning place would name itself California Tans or Sunshine Tans, or something like that. Not just "Tanning." I mean, it's straight and to the point, but it doesn't exactly have a ring to it. And what about Religious Store? Again, you can tell what it is just by looking at the name of it, but is there any sane, non-religious zealot who gets excited about taking a trip to Religious Store? And I'm not going to bother factoring in religious zealots, since everyone knows that they're too busy handing out leaflets and touching little boys to go shopping.
Wow. I still can't believe what that says, and I've stared at this picture countless times.
This was taped to the community mailbox, as some foreigner named Gennadiy Fomienko has yet to receive his "Emigration latter."
For the sake of this country, let's hope that Gennadiy gets deported because he never "receved" it. Whoever wrote this spells better than Gennadiy does; otherwise, he would've written it. That's terrible. Just look at all of the grammatical and spelling errors:
If I had more time on my hands, I would've dressed up like Donald Trump, showed up to Gennadiy's house, and told him that I was going to deport him myself. Oh, what fun I would've had.
This is a Christmas gift I bought for my girlfriend - and my wrapping job. Sadly, this is my best effort.
Now, before you criticize me too much, this is the bottom of the present. Thus, I didn't expect my girlfriend to even see it. Unfortunately, she did, and she laughed at me despite the fact that I tried so hard.
I don't get how people do it. Honestly. I can't properly wrap a present to save my life. I just don't get it. And really, I'm beginning to think that no one really knows how to wrap a present. I think people how wizard powers like Harry Potter, and when I'm not around they go, "Expecto Wrappo Gifto!" and then the gift wraps itself. Stupid wizard bastards.
Another picture of Sherlock, with this one being significant because we bought him a leather jacket for the winter, and he looked rather proud wearing it.
Before you criticize, I picked out the leather jacket myself. I mean, sure, he looks like he belongs in a gay biker gang, but it's not like there's anything wrong with that. And if I know anything about women, it's that they like biker dudes, so if anything, this should help him get some action. I'm just being a great wing man!
And here I am wearing a costume of my own. This was from this recent Halloween, as I dressed up a zombie killer, while my girlfriend was a zombie.
I know, I know, I took a selfie, and I've previously written that unless you're a hot chick showing off cleavage, people who take selfies should die in a fire, especially if you're a dude. However, my mom wanted to see a picture of my Halloween costume, so I was just doing this for her. Hopefully this saves me from being thrown into a fire.
Oh, and you may have noticed I have a picture of Yoshi in the background. Is that weird? What's so strange about having a picture of Mario's most-trusted dinosaur hanging in my house? It's not weird at all, so get off my f***ing back!!!
This and the next picture are photos of random fans. This first one is funny because this fat Mexican man looks like he's going to vomit. I'm sure he was just so shocked that his crappy 49ers were actually winning a game. If I were a Niner fan, and my team happened to be winning, I'd be puking all over the place too. So, it has nothing to do with the fact that the Mexican guy probably ate too many fried chickens and watermelons prior to attending the game.
Wait, I think I got my racial stereotypes confused. I hate it when that happens.
And here's the second one. I don't know about you, but there's nothing more satisfying than watching Cowboys fans cover their faces in pure agony, as their team once again chokes an important game away.
That's exactly what's happening here - that, or they ate too many fried chickens and watermelons before the game. Crap, that's not right either.
Now, here are people who ate too many fried chickens and watermelons -probably for their third breakfasts!
I actually used part of this picture in a Jerks of the Week entry about the Jersey Shore from this past summer, but I never mentioned that there were other obese women in the area.
I think this is horrible. There's nothing worse than going to the beach and expecting to see hot chicks in bikinis, only to show up and be witness to something like this. Unfortunately, a sight like this one is all too prevalent at the Jersey Shore, as Philadelphia has been deemed the fattest city in the world.
This is just sad. Everyone is concerned about there being too much pollution in the ocean, or too much trash on the beach, but the No. 1 reason the Jersey Shore has been ruined is because all of these fat women.
Public service announcement time: Please save the Jersey Shore. If you see a fat woman, grab the nearest hamburger and lure her away from the ocean. With enough acts like this, we can save our beaches.
Much has changed for me ever since my girlfriend moved in. Whenever I went to the grocery store before, all I'd purchase would be Cocoa Puffs, milk, orange juice, cheese, bread, chips and Pop Tarts. And that's all I needed.
Here's part of our grocery list now. It's crazy. I mean, Dove soap is something I had before. The same with Febreze. Thank God for Febreze, by the way. I didn't have to do a single load of laundry in college because of it.
What's this other stuff, though? Conditioner is something women use in showers, but for what? That was never explained to me. Dog treats are new because I didn't have a dog before. Trash bags? What a concept! I used to put my trash in random grocery and Wawa bags! And Dryel... only God knows what the hell that is. If I were to guess, it's something that is used to dry stuff, but I could be wrong.
This and the next picture are of my dog when he was a tiny puppy. It's crazy how much he's grown. He used to be a little guy who chewed up and peed on my bank statements, tax documents and Magic cards, as shown here.
Now, he's a giant guy who chews up and pees on my bank statements, tax documents and Magic cards. And yet, he has the audacity to beg for my Vitamin X food!
And here he is, as I'm holding him up to my laptop, where I have him pretending to type on my laptop. As you can see, he's making me pay by biting my hands. His teeth are super sharp, so it's a miracle that I can actually still use my hands.
Oh, and as you may have noticed, I'm wearing the same green t-shirt from my dinner photo. All I can say is, thank God for Febreze.