My friend Body Burner messaged me on Facebook a recent Saturday afternoon and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I declined, telling him that I was planning on seeing It Follows at the movies with my girlfriend. His reaction:
Body Burner: I take it your girlfriend is dragging you to see that.
Me: Nah, I actually want to see that.
Body Burner: Eww!
What can I say? I'm a fan of horror movies. Granted, they mostly suck now, but I still enjoy watching them. And besides, the last time I had been to the movies was the previous summer, so I was long overdue to pay an arm and a leg to watch some film for two hours.
The movie tickets were actually a combined $23 for the both of us. However, we spent much more than that because we wanted to get snacks and drinks. My girlfriend and I decided to purchase two Icee drinks mixed with Coke as well as pretzel bites with cheese dip. While paying for these items, the cashier asked to see proof of home ownership because I was mortgaging my house just so I could buy these things. No worries though; AMC charges 3.5 percent interest, so it's not like I'll be living in a cardboard box anytime soon.
The theater was surprisingly empty for a Saturday afternoon. Well, maybe people just didn't want to be cool like us and watch It Follows, but their loss, our gain as far as I'm concerned. Besides, we thought that going around 4 p.m. would be best; we'd avoid the early rush of the screaming kids and annoying parents and beat the stupid pre-teens who have nothing better to do than hang out at the mall on a Saturday night.
Anyway, the group in front of us was comprised of three chicks. I thought I recognized one of them - a brunette with glasses - until I heard her speaking to her friends. She had one of the deepest, masculine voices I've ever heard from anyone - male or female. I then became convinced that I didn't know her because I've never met a transsexual person before. Not that there's anything wrong with transsexual people - they're a lovely race, from what I hear - but I just haven't had the pleasure of meeting any of their sort just yet.
What's odd is that the bespectacled transsexual chick and her other friend left as soon as the movie began, abandoning the third girl they were with. I don't know why they bought movie tickets and sat there until the movie started, only to leave before watching it. However, I am ignorant because I know nothing of the transsexual culture, so if this is commonplace for transsexuals, I must apologize. After all, there is nothing truly wrong with purchasing a movie ticket and not watching the film; it's odd for me, but I'm just a straight, Caucasian male, so I don't really know anything about culture.
Even without the bespectacled transsexual chick and her friend, there were about 30 people in the entire theater. I only had issues with three of them - a trio of black women sitting next to each other a couple of rows behind us. Throughout the movie, they would chuckle and yell things to each other like, "Laquesha say what!?"
I was appalled by this. Black people are usually quiet in movie theaters, so they took me by surprise. I would've angrily lashed out at them, but whenever I felt mad, I dipped a pretzel bite into cheese and popped it into my mouth. And then, all was right with the world... until I grew hungry for another cheese-dipped pretzel bite.
As for the actual movie, it got off to a solid start. I'm going to be spoiling stuff here, so if you've really wanted to see this movie, stop here and come back after you've watched it. No hard feelings. Just make sure you bring your house deed to the theater so you can purchase some of the concessions.
Spoilers begin in 3... 2... 1...
All right, so for those still with me, the movie began with something I've never seen in a horror film. A scantily clad hot chick, who had nothing to do with the overall storyline, ran around nonsensically and was eventually murdered by some monster. I was blown away. I feel like this sort of plot mechanic is going to change the entire horror genre going forward. I'm dead serious. People, please make sure to check out It Follows just so you can witness this phenomenon first-hand before it's in every single scary flick.
We then got to meet the protagonist, a semi-attractive blonde named Jay, whose name reminded me of this guy I used to work for at a swim club more than 10 years ago. He was a sociopath who cringed every time he had to give someone a 10-cent raise (seriously) and cheated on his wife by banging a Mexican woman in the boiler room. He eventually married the Mexican woman, but recently went to jail because he pointed a gun at this Mexican woman when she yelled at him for cheating on her with someone else in that very same boiler room. I'm going to have plenty of stories about this deranged lunatic if/when my Jerks of the Week book ever gets published.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah... Jay - the semi-attractive chick; not the nut-job swim club owner - floated in the pool for a minute, and then we got to watch her put on lipstick for just as long. Meanwhile, this strange music continuously played in the background. Jay's friends asked her to hang out, but she told them she couldn't because she made plans to go out on a date.
A quick note on Jay's friends because two of them had no relevance to the plot. The one who did was some geeky kid who had a crush on Jay, but I'll have more on him later. The other two were Jay's sister Kelly and some average-looking chick with glasses. The latter spent the entire movie reading out of a clam. I wish I could describe this better, but it's almost like she had this clam that appeared to be a mobile device. Except she never called anyone on it; she just read out of it. Upon seeing this, my girlfriend asked what time period this was supposed to be in, and I was just as confused. The clam made it seem futuristic, but the two TVs in Jay's house weren't HD, and all they watched were black-and-white movies the entire time. So weird.
Meanwhile, Kelly was the hottest chick in the movie, but she had some awful line where she frustratingly said, "Jay gets all the guys..." From that, you might think she's ugly, right? Take a look at this picture; she's the one on the right:
How does someone with a body like that fail to get a date? And because that's a bit blurry, here's what Kelly's face looks like:
If you can't tell, this is one of my pet peeves. It's the worst when super-attractive girls in movies moan and groan about not being able to hook up with dudes. They need to start casting 300-pound chicks who stuff Doritos in their face the entire film. That way, when they whine, "NOM NOM NOM, ME LOVE DORITO BUT NO MAN LOVE ME, NOM NOM NOM," it's more realistic.
Oh, and if you're wondering, the actress's name is Lili Sepe. At first glance, I thought her name was Lil' Sepe, and that Mr. and Mrs. Sepe followed the footsteps of Mr. and Mrs. Wayne and Mr. and Mrs. Bow Wow and gave their daughter a stupid first name. I'm glad that it's Lili and not Lil', because this is a trend that cannot continue.
At any rate, Jay seemed to be having a good time on her date with a guy named Hugh. They played a game where they picked someone in the crowd to trade places with. When Hugh guessed some girl in a yellow dress, and Jay couldn't see her, Hugh freaked out and asked to leave. This didn't bother Jay too much, who scheduled another date with Hugh. The two banged in Hugh's car, and while Jay relaxed afterward in the back seat, Hugh went to his trunk, pulled something out and then incapacitated her with chloroform.
I've had many dates end this way, but here's the weird part: Jay woke up, tied to a wheelchair in a parking garage. Hugh told her that "it's coming for you." He then wheeled her to the edge and pointed out that a naked woman was walking in her direction. "Don't let her touch you, or you'll die," he said. "This thing can look like someone you know, or a stranger in the crowd, but it will continue to follow you wherever you go. I passed it on to you, but if it kills you, it'll come back after me ... so don't die."
True to Hugh's word, this thing, which was referred to as a "spirit," followed Jay around the entire movie. She first saw it when she was sitting in one of her classes. She looked out the window and spotted this old woman walking toward her:
Jay bolted out of the classroom and saw that the old woman was now in the hallway, heading right for her. She yelled at it, but people looked at her like she was crazy because the spirit was invisible to them. Jay sprinted to her car and drove home. The spirit then returned that night. It broke a window in her house and followed Jay upstairs. Now a tall man with gouged-out eyes, the spirit nearly got to Jay, but she managed to climb out her window and run toward the local playground.
Enlisting the help of her sister and friends, Jay eventually found Hugh, who explained what this spirit is. He did so in this scene:
Some weird stuff here. First of all, what the hell are they all drinking? Does that say Coolidge Cola? WTF is that? I guess the soft-drink war has been Coke vs. Pepsi vs. Coolidge Cola this whole time, and I didn't even notice. Also, why are they all drinking out of straws? I can understand if one of them is a germophobe, but all three of them?
At any rate, the spirit was essentially described as a shapeshifting being that wanders toward its target until that person has sex with someone. Then, it follows that person until they either bang someone else or die. The spirit then goes back to the preceding person, and so on. In short, it's basically just like a bad case of genital herpes.
The spirit, which is invisible to everyone but the people it has gone after, has one weakness: It's slow. It can only walk. So, as Hugh said, "I would drive real far, so it would give me some time to rest and think about what to do next."
Umm... so, here's a question: If an evil spirit that can only walk is following you, do you:
A) Remain in the same town for a while so that it can catch up to you within a matter of hours?
B) Lock yourself in your room and wait until it comes to your house?
C) Get on a plane and fly to a different continent?
Unless you're a complete moron, you answered "C." Jay, however, did "A" and "B" repeatedly. In fact, she even tried to kill the spirit toward the end of the movie by luring it into a pool. The plan that she and her friends hatched was to lead the spirit into the pool. Once it was in, Jay would swim to the other side and get out. That's when her friends would dump all sorts of electronic devices like TVs (again, non-HD ones) and toasters into the pool.
OK, so, this may not sound like a completely terrible idea. Why not electrocute the damn thing? Except that in an earlier scene, Jay shot the spirit in the head with a gun she found. Blood spat out of it, and it collapsed - for two seconds. It then got up and began pursuing Jay again. So, if you can't vanquish the spirit by shooting it in the head, why did they think they could zap it to death? Their plan made absolutely no sense.
I feel like there's only one logical solution if you don't want to go anywhere. You just trap the damn thing. At one point during the movie, someone threw a blanket on the spirit, so everyone could see where it was. By that way of thinking, why not get a chain and tie it around the spirit? The chain could be attached to a building, or something heavy.
But that requires effort. The aforementioned "C" answer is definitely the right choice. I mean, what's the spirit going to do if you fly to Australia? Walk on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? What if a shark eats it? Even if Jay didn't have a passport, she could book a ticket to San Diego, remain there for five days, and then fly back to her home (somewhere in Michigan).
Here's the math: I Googled how long it takes to walk a mile, and the average human spends 15 minutes doing so. This spirit is slow, so that's a good estimate, but let's say 12 minutes, just to be safe. The distance from Michigan (where the movie was set) to San Diego is 1,957 miles, per a Google search. Thus, it would take this thing 163 hours, or 6.8 days, to traverse the distance on foot. How pissed would it be if it walked westward for five days and then had to turn around and walk for five more days the other way, only to turn around once more when Jay got on another flight? I mean, sure, Jay would have to spend a ton of time in airports and on flights, but she wouldn't have to spend every waking hour worrying if the spirit was right around the corner.
Instead, after a failed attempt to fry the spirit - it proved its intelligence by throwing the electronic devices into the pool rather than going in it - Jay banged the dweeb, and in the movie's final scene, the two are walking down the street, holding hands, with someone - presumably the spirit - following them.
So, let's break down the dweeb's decision-making process:
1. He opted to bang the less-attractive, cursed sister when he could've hooked up with the prettier, un-cursed sister, who sounded pretty desperate to get boinked.
2. Rather than pass off the curse to someone else - how about some random hooker in Las Vegas? - he chose to keep it himself.
3. He and Jay now roam the streets of their hometown rather than board a flight for another country, where they'd be able to avoid the spirit for quite some time.
None of this made any sense, but then again, neither did my decision to see this movie.