Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012
Jerks of the Week for June 18, 2012
JERK OF THE WEEK: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Frank Costanza is one of my heroes. I love the holiday of Festivus, particularly the Airing of Grievances. I feel like if we all told each other what annoyed us or what pissed us off, we'd get along better. No one would talk trash about each other, and we'd all live in harmony.
Consider the following example where two chicks would ordinarily pretend to be friends and then talk behind each other's back, but instead were honest with each other:
Girl 1: Girl 2, I've wanted to say this for a while, but I think you're a giant slut. You were sort of hitting on my boyfriend, and I feel like you slept with one of my exes when you were with him.
Girl 2: You're right, Girl 1. I do get around. Perhaps I should only sleep with three guys per week instead of six guys. And yes, I did hit on your boyfriend and I did sleep with one of your exes behind your back. I did this because you're a b***h. You wore the same outfit as me at one party even though you saw me buying it.
Girl 1: I know, I know, I was jealous of you. And because you admitted that you hit on my boyfriend, I feel better about everything. In fact, let's have a threesome with him!
Girl 2: That sounds like a great idea - and since I like you so much now, let's invite my hot female friend with the nice butt from the gym. She'd love to have a foursome with you, me and your boyfriend!
See? If we made a habit of telling people why they infuriated us, there would be more threesomes and foursomes, and everyone would be happier.
I have eight grievances myself, all of which coincidentally occurred on June 8. I don't know if it's because I had more sand in my vag than normal that particular day, but everything seemed to agitate me. Most of this occurred at Tango, now currently known as JC Washington's House, but the first person I want to air my grievances again was spotted at my new gym.
1. Smelly Swim Coach:
I've been swimming a mile almost every weekday with Body Burners recently. We've encountered two issues at the gym, however.
First, the front desk gave Body Burners a tough time one day. The chick working there, previously referred to as the Girl with the Arm Tattoo, refused to believe that Body Burners had a valid membership even though the computer checked him in that morning when he came in to lift weights. He had to go to the back office to confirm his membership, which took 10 minutes out of our schedule.
I'd air my grievance with the Girl with the Arm Tattoo because she'd be super hot if it weren't for the massive tattoos all over her body (I recently noticed that they're covering her legs as well). However, I discussed my disdain for chicks with tattoos in my St. Patrick's Day entry, so I'm not going to repeat myself.
Second, Body Burners and I finished our mile on Friday, and as we were walking into the locker room, I spotted this fat, 10-year-old kid wearing a black Speedo slumped over near the wall. What stood out was this horrifying burn mark (or possibly a birth mark) on his back. It seriously covered 90 percent of the skin on his back, and it even ran down his legs. It was a disturbing sight, but I guess he learned his lesson - never eat part of the wicked witch's candy house, or she'll make you plump and throw you into the furnace. Best case scenario? You burn your back while trying to escape.
I wanted to ask the kid how he thwarted the wicked witch's plans, but he wouldn't sit still. He and his skinny friend, also sporting a wiener bikiner, were running around the locker room and the hallway. Jerry Sandusky would have enjoyed this display, but Body Burners and I were both frustrated.
Body Burners: Why aren't these damn kids at swim practice?
Me: Ugh, seriously, I think I'm going to vomit if I see that fat kid running around in that Speedo much longer.
Body Burners: Doesn't the swim coach notice that he has two kids missing from practice? What the hell kind of swim program is he running?
The swim coach Body Burners was referring to, of course, was Smelly Swim Coach. This was obviously an evil plot of his; he still wants revenge on me for calling him "stinky" last August.
To Smelly Swim Coach: Stop terrorizing me with your annoying, wiener-bikiner brats. And please, for the love of God, take a shower.
2. The Zone:
The rest of my grievances have to do with the time I spent at Tango last Friday evening. I was looking forward to a night of carousing, but I was immediately disgusted when I walked into the bar.
I've complained about loud music at bars and clubs in numerous other entries. It could be my most favorite song ever, but I'll still be pissed off if the volume is too high. I want to be able to talk, and I don't want to exit the establishment at 2 a.m. with blood coming out of my ears. Besides, I've never met a single person who said, "You know, I love it when the music is super loud! What'd you say!? I'm deaf in my right ear, so talk on my other side!" Seriously, why do some bars and clubs insist on playing repulsively loud music? Why did any of them think that doing so would be a good idea?
Tango usually doesn't even have live music in its sports bar room, so seeing a band there was surprising in itself. The only live music they've ever had there was John Lennon's DJ'ing, and I've yet to see him since. My best guess is that he read my negative review regarding his performance, and because his life-long dream was to be an awesome DJ, he's turned into a recluse who cries in his room all day. I'm sorry, John Lennon!
As bad as John Lennon was on the turntables, I wish he would have been there Friday night because the band absolutely sucked. They were called the Zone; they were a cover band that played the worst versions of certain songs I've ever heard. Seriously, when they played the Joker, it sounded like some fat lady was drowning at my gym pool. I had to cover my ears to prevent getting a headache. In fact, my friend Jess actually left the bar around 1 a.m. with a migraine.
What set this band apart from other crappy bands were the obnoxious things they announced throughout the night. They constantly shouted, "OMG OMG TONIGHT IS DOUBLE TIP NIGHT! MAKE SURE YOU DOUBLE TIP YOUR BARTENDERS OMG OMG OMG!"
What the hell does that mean? Double tip the bartenders? It didn't mean we were getting discounted drinks. I already tip heavily - I sometimes give the Blondtender $5 to impress her - so that means I'd have to tip $10 for a $4 beer. That's ridiculous. In fact, I found the whole thing so outrageous that I sarcastically yelled, "Tonight is triple tip night! Triple tip night! Make sure you triple tip your bartenders!"
I drew some dirty looks from some of the other Tango patrons when I did that. I guess they thought I was some the Zone groupie. That just made everything seem worse.
To the Zone: Not all of us can force gold coins out of our buttocks. We can't afford to double tip bartenders. And I'd like to suggest that you should make everyone sign waivers so they can't sue you when their ears begin bleeding.
3. Tracy the Groupie:
Believe it or not, the Zone had groupies. Well, to be more accurate, they had one groupie. Just before Jess left, they announced, "OMG OMG WE THOUGHT WE PLAYED OUR LAST SONG BUT TRACY SAID SHE WANTED TO HEAR FIVE MORE SONGZZZZ OMG OMG OMG!!!"
I'm pretty sure everyone at the bar groaned, save for Tracy, of course, who was just sitting by herself and clapping along with the music. I bumped into my friend Matt in the bathroom - not that there's anything wrong with that - and we had a short conversation about Tracy and her favorite band.
Me: I can't believe that b***h Tracy asked for five more songs.
Matt: Ugh. We should slash her tires.
Me: That actually sounds like a good idea. Unfortunately, we don't know which car is hers.
Matt: That's true. I don't get how they're paying this band. Tango doesn't charge cover, so how are they making money?
Me: Hmm... maybe the band offered to play here for free.
Matt: You're probably right.
After hearing those five last songs - followed by five more last songs - I proposed a new theory to Matt while we were sitting at the bar.
Me: You know, I'm beginning to think that this band actually paid money to Tango to play here. They're so bad.
Matt: I think you might be right.
Me: They were probably like, "Here's $100! Can we pleeeeeaaasseee play here tonight!?"
Anyway, we eventually found a flier for the Zone. They're playing at random bars in Philadelphia and New Jersey this summer. What stood out is that they won't be performing at all between June 9 and June 29. I guess they have to secure more funds to pay the bars.
Poor Tracy. What's she doing to do for 20 days?
To Tracy: You're a slut. But you're an attractive slut, so you can do better than the Zone.
4. The Blondtender:
I actually saw the Blondtender (formerly known as Hot Blond Bartender) the preceding Saturday at a gas station. I had just paid when she got out of a car and jokingly yelled, "Are you following me!?"
I didn't recognize her at first because it was dark, but I did manage to make out that she was hot, so it was actually plausible that I was stalking her without even realizing it. It's safe to say that I was relieved that Blondtender was just messing around. Phew. Restraining order averted!
Fast forward to Friday night - the male bartender served me my first two beers. I finally saw the Blondtender the third time I went to the bar. I was about to tell her what I wanted when...
The Blondtender slapped me on the cheek! I was so shocked that I was rendered speechless for a few seconds. Worst-case scenario, she read Jerks of the Week and really thought that I stalked her to the gas station. Best-case scenario, this was some sort of mating ritual of hers. I finally figured out that I had to ask about this.
Me: What was that for!?
The Blondtender: Oh, that's just how I say hi now!
Me: Oh. Phew. Restraining order averted again!
The Blondtender: What?
Me: Never mind.
To the Blondtender: Umm... actually, I have no grievances about the slap. It was kind of hot.
5. The Male Bartender:
My fourth beer wasn't nearly as adventurous as the third. Someone broke a bunch of glasses, so the Blondtender had to clean the mess, leaving only the male bartender behind the counter. This turned out to be a major problem because it took 20 minutes for me to get served.
I'm not exaggerating. Matt and I sat there like complete a**holes for 20 minutes. We held our money out and yelled at the bartender, but nothing worked. It wasn't even crowded or anything. The problem was that the male bartender was flirting with this fat, 40-year-old woman, who constantly blew him kisses.
Look, I get that a horny, 40-year-old fat lady might tip well, but you do have other customers. I was so infuriated at that point that I wanted to leave a $0 tip. And even on double tip night, that's still $0.
To the Male Bartender: Don't bother with fat women because they don't tip well. Not in terms of money, anyway. She might give you a couple of celery sticks - only because it's food that she deems undesirable.
6. The Mongolians:
The male bartender fake flirted with the fat lady for about 10 minutes. He turned around, so I thought he would finally see us. Instead, he spotted these two Mongolian guys who approached the bar that very second. He served them, and then went back to the other side to catch more blown kisses from the fat woman.
I was so annoyed at this point. Matt and I were sitting there for 10 minutes already, and we couldn't get beer because of broken glasses, an obese, horny monstrosity and a pair of Mongolians. What a horrible night.
The Mongolians were the worst part. They've committed all sorts of atrocities over the years. They invaded China. They invaded Mother Russia. They invaded some other places. They orchestrated the Jerry Sandusky scandal. And now, they were trying to make me sober on a Friday night. This was their worst act ever.
My friend Val eventually spoke to them for some reason. I asked her why, but couldn't hear her response over the Zone's awful music. I only hope that Val made them apologize for Mulan. That's all I ask.
By the way, Val is now one of my sworn enemies because she told me that she likes Maroon 5. Anyone who likes Maroon 5 sucks. They make terrible music; Adam Levine seriously sounds like he's having diarrhea whenever he sings. And even worse, their Philadelphia concert occurred the same day as my 29th birthday party, so some people decided to go to that instead of my house. I've never forgiven Maroon 5 for that.
To the Mongolians: If I ever become President of the United States, I will instantly declare war on the country of Mongolia for Mulan, JoePa and this beer incident. And don't be surprised if it's revealed that the band members in Maroon 5 are Mongolian supporters. You heard it here first.
7. Mata Man:
There were some hot women at Tango on Friday night. One was this tall brunette who had giant breasts and really long legs. My friend Jess first pointed her out to me when she said, "You see that girl with the curly brown hair? She told me that I had nice boobs!"
That was definitely interesting information. Unfortunately, Nice Boobs Girl was with some guy. She started making out with this dude wearing a black-and-white jersey of some sort with the name "Mata" on the back. It took me a while to figure out what sort of jersey that was, but then I remembered that there's a Euro Cup of lacrosse going on right now in Europe, so this guy obviously liked some lacrosse player named Mata. I don't watch lacrosse, so I've never heard of this Mata.
Anyway, I walked by Mata Man to get change for the pool table, and I immediately noticed that he reeked. He smelled like trash. It made me wonder how long he had been wearing that Mata jersey. Maybe he's such a big fan of lacrosse that he refuses to remove that Mata jersey until Mata's team wins the lacrosse Euro Cup championship.
So, how can a hot chick like Nice Boobs Girl be smitten with a stinky guy like Mata Man? Well, I would quickly discover that she had some negative qualities herself. After the Zone played a Spice Girls song - I told you that they sucked - she sprinted toward Mata Man and screeched the following in a very hoarse voice: "OMG OMG OMG THEY PLAYED THE SPICE GIRLS WHEN I ASKED THEM TO AND THEN I ASKED FOR ANOTHER SPICE GIRL SONG AND THEY SAID THEY MIGHT PLAY IT OMG OMG OMG!"
To Mata Man: Wash your jersey. Take a shower. And please, for the love of God, never let your hot woman speak ever again.
8. The Smelly Cougar:
Most of the Tango patrons cleared out around 1:45. Matt pointed out one of the few people remaining: "Looks like we have some cougar action over there."
Indeed. The woman Matt referring to was about was a dirty-blond-haired woman around 40. She was wearing a dress of some sort and her cleavage was hanging out because she was leaning over the bar. In other words, she was easy game for one of the desperate, scummy guys remaining. Including me, I thought - until she approached us.
Yeesh. She was pretty ugly up close. Even worse, it smelled like she just climbed out of a dumpster. I thought about telling Nice Boobs Girl that Mata Man was cheating on her with the Smelly Cougar in some sort of trash can, but she already left.
It quickly became clear that the Smelly Cougar was unbelievably drunk. She was slurring her words and nearly falling over. My sister and Matt thought it'd be funny to mess with her.
Matt: We just got married!
My Sister: This is our honeymoon! We decided to come to Philly and spend our nights at Tango!
The Smelly Cougar: Thazzzz grrreeaatt guyyzzzz connggraadduuzzzlaaashuhnsnss!
Matt: Thank you - that means a lot!
My Sister: I'm from Alabama. We got married in a trailer church!
The Smelly Cougar: I'vzzz nevuurr beeenn tewwww Albammmmauhh.
Matt: It's really nice. You should visit.
The Smelly Cougar: I'mmm gonnn visisssuutt whennn I goo onnn vacaaashuuunn. Duuzzz annnywunnn wunnnn daannnce?
Matt: He looks like he wants to!
Matt pointed to me. The Smelly Cougar wrapped her arms around me and started swaying from side to side. I tried to follow her rhythm, but it was difficult because it took so much energy not to pass out from her stench.
Eventually, the Smelly Cougar realized that I didn't want to take her home, have sex with her and contract some of her plentiful STDs, so she moved on to someone else. Matt proceeded to apologize to me.
To the Smelly Cougar: Stop sleeping in dumpsters, and take your STDs elsewhere.
Even though according to Freakonmics, drunk walking causes five times more deaths than drunk driving, I walked to and from Tango because it's a block away from my house. I stopped by Wawa on the way back and ordered a very healthy salami-and-cheese sandwich. It was healthy because I asked for American cheese, and everyone knows that American stuff is the best for you.
I normally wait until I get home to eat my late-night Wawa snack, but I decided to scarf down my sandwich as I ventured home. It made the 8-minute stroll go by so quickly; I finished my healthy meal just as I reached my house. I was so proud of my genius eat-and-walk idea that I felt better about the entire day. Suddenly, there wasn't so much sand in my vag. I went up to my office, sat at my desk and talked with an awesome girl who loves football for the next couple of hours.
All of my worries went away, and I was in such a good mood that I almost forgave the Mongolians for framing JoePa and stealing my beer. Almost.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
NFL Picks - Dec. 9
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 7
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 6
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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