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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010




Jerks of the Week for Sept. 13, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: BBall Mad Man

One of these days I'm going to get killed playing basketball. I wish I were joking.

As you may know, I play pick-up basketball at my gym on Saturdays. One guy who's usually there is perhaps the most frustrating person to ever play basketball with. Consider the following Antoine Walker-like qualities:

  • BBall Mad Man (you'll see why I call him this later) is a big guy, yet he stands near the three-point line on every possession. I don't think I've ever seen him within 15 feet of the hoop.

  • He doesn't believe in playing defense or rebounding. If he's guarding you, you're either open or... well, we'll get to that later.

  • If he gets frustrated, he slams his hand on the ball and fires up a ridiculous hookshot airball.

  • If one of his "lesser" teammates (according to him) takes a shot, he yells, "no chance!" as the ball is in the air.

  • On the rare occasions when he passes, he inexplicably fires the ball as hard as he can - even if his teammate is right next to him. Apparently, he has never learned the concept of a touch pass.

    The thing is, I don't know whether it's worse to play with or against him. If he's on your team, you're seldom going to handle the ball because he'll spend most of his time tossing up ridiculous shots that have no hope of going in. If he's on the other team, well, that's why I call him BBall Mad Man.

    I've had the misfortune of being guarded by BBall Mad Man on many occasions over the years. Even though I'm a lot quicker than he is, I can't ever get around him because he either tackles, pushes or rapes me whenever I have the ball.

    Three weekends ago, I had the ball on the baseline. I decided to drive toward the basket against the other team, which was playing zone defense at the time. Unfortunately, I drove toward BBall Mad Man. Instead of using a legitimate defensive basketball maneuver to stop me, he swung his arm out and whacked me in the head. I fell down, yet he grabbed the ball and began dribbling. Suddenly, he stopped when he noticed that no one else was moving.

    BBall Mad Man: What's going on?

    Random Player: Umm... you don't think that's a foul?

    *** I forget who the random player was because I was still on the ground trying to figure out what year it was. ***

    BBall Mad Man: What do you mean, foul!?

    Random Player: You clotheslined him!

    BBall Mad Man: No foul! No foul! He didn't call it! Respect the non-call!

    Everyone there eventually convinced him that it was a foul. He just raised his arms up in disgust. "I'll get the next one," he said. And that he did.

    Several possessions later, something miraculous occurred. BBall Mad Man actually approached the basket! He caught a rebound and fired up a put-back. Unfortunately, he threw the ball up too hard. It hit off the bottom of the rim, came back down and smacked his face. No one was even near him (no one expected him to be so close to the hoop), so we were able to watch this ridiculous sequence of events.

    As soon as the ball hit him in the face...

    BBall Mad Man: Foul! I call foul!

    Me: Foul!? The ball hit you in the face. That's not a foul!

    BBall Mad Man: Respect the call! Respect the call!

    Me: Respect the call!? No one hit you. It was the ball!

    BBall Mad Man: You got the last call. I got this one!

    Apparently, being clotheslined and getting hit with the ball off your own shot cancel each other out. On the bright side, I was able to joke, "That's the basketball's second personal foul" after the play.

    Despite nearly dying, I'd actually say that being on BBall Mad Man's team might be worse than playing against him. I'm not exaggerating at all when I say this, but BBall Mad Man has not won a single pick-up game in months. It's actually a running joke. My friend Larry said something like, "He's 0-24 this summer."

    I do have faith that BBall Mad Man will prevail eventually. I mean, one of these days he's going to kill everyone playing against him. Hopefully I'll be on his team that day.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: BBall DBag/AHole

    This might be a Jerks of the Week record because I'm writing about BBall DBag for a third time. If you haven't read about him, check out my last entry, when BBall DBag assumed I didn't know what a zone defense was and later told my friend to practice his layups.

    BBall DBag has certainly been a douche over the couple of years that I've known him. After what he pulled last Saturday, I can now call him a complete a-hole. In fact, let's change his name to BBall AHole.

    What did he do exactly? Well, it started in the middle of a full-court pick-up game. BBall AHole was doing the usual - criticizing teammates and yelling at everyone for screwing up. There was the usual, "What the hell are you doing?" and "You're playing terrible basketball today!"

    Toward the end of the game, he really began yelling at this guy Robert. Robert, who's a pretty good ball player, attempted a behind-the-back pass that sailed out of bounds. BBall AHole was not pleased about this.

    BBall AHole: No more of that stuff! You hear me!? No more behind-the-back stuff! I'm disallowing it from now on!

    Attention, all basketball players at my gym: Behind-the-back passes are hereby disallowed!

    The game ended innocently enough with my team prevailing over Robert, BBall AHole and their three teammates. After grabbing a drink of water in the hall and walking back into the gym, forum member Injured Reserve and I witnessed a confrontation between BBall AHole and Robert.

    BBall AHole (Speaking Angrily): Don't try that stuff no more! You're a good ball player, but you're not THAT good. Look, I don't know, but you'll probably never reach the next level. I don't think you'll reach the next level. You're just not THAT good.

    BBall AHole walked away. His face completely red, Robert just stood there in shock. He walked toward Injured Reserve and me, and muttered, "I guess I'll never reach the next level."

    I really have to give Robert a ton of credit, because I would have punched BBall AHole in the face - or at least yelled back. I don't know how Robert just stood there and took BBall AHole's insults.

    We played one more full-court game. Robert asked to be traded to my team. Unfortunately, we lost. All of our shots just rimmed out, and they were hitting everything. Of course, it didn't help that BBall AHole was covering me and raping me in a BBall Mad Man-like fashion. Seriously, BBall AHole, can you not jab me in the ribs every time I'm trying to drive by you?

    Later on, as everyone was leaving, BBall AHole approached me after Robert left the gym.

    BBall AHole: Look, I'm not trying to hurt no one's feelings, but that kid is just not good enough to be pulling that crap during them games. I'm just trying to help out and make him a better ball player, just like I made you a better ball player.

    BBall AHole then slapped me gently on the face twice and walked away. Like Robert, I just stood there in shock.

    Made me a better ball player? What the hell? What does he think he did, teach me what a zone defense was two months ago? Does he feel like he taught me that the only way to stop the guy with the ball is to repeatedly punch him in the ribs? And did he just slap me in the face twice? What a f***ing a**hole.

    To my knowledge, I don't think BBall Mad Man and BBall AHole ever guarded each other in one of our pick-up games because there's a big size mismatch (BBall AHole is pretty short).

    I find this unfortunate, because they'd inevitably hit each other so hard that a fight would break out. And at that point, one guy would probably get hurt and never come back again, leaving me with one fewer jerk to deal with on the basketball court.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Whiskey Tango Marriage

    I didn't play my best basketball the afternoon that BBall AHole berated Robert. I was hung over.

    The night before BBall AHole's tirade, I had a fantasy football draft at my house. Three league members and I decided to go to a bar called Whiskey Tango afterward. One of my friends was supposed to meet us there, but I got a call from him during the draft:

    Friend: Dude, I'm not gonna be able to make it.

    Me: Why not?

    Friend: I can't get on the train.

    Me: Did you miss it? Just take the next one.

    Friend: Nah dude, I'm gonna have to go to the hospital if I get on the train.

    Me: Huh?

    Friend: I just ate some pot Rice Krispie Treats and I'm freaking out, man.

    Me: Wow. Dude, just get on the train, it's not a big deal.

    Friend: I can't do it, bro. I gotta leave the train station now!

    My friend obviously didn't make it. So, it was me, Injured Reserve, IR's girlfriend Kate (Man-Eaters in our PPR league) and our mutual friend Gary. We decided to make the 10-minute walk to Whiskey Tango. It was nice out, and by not driving, none of us would have to worry about a DUI, which is always good.

    If you don't live in Philly, by the way, Whiskey Tango is probably the most popular bar in Northeast Philadelphia. There are tons of bigger and more popular bars downtown, but since downtown sucks, Whiskey Tango is usually my bar of choice. The fact that it's so close by does help.

    To my surprise, the front portion of Whiskey Tango wasn't very crowded that Friday night. It's usually packed. There were some guys wearing suits and a couple of hot chicks wearing dresses, but that was it. I blamed it on this crappy band that was playing. As Kate said, "All of their songs sound the same." The music was also obnoxiously loud, making it really difficult to talk.

    *** This is definitely my biggest peeve about bars, by the way. Why does the music have to be so f***ing loud? Seriously, what if people just want to talk to each other? Can't you just turn down the volume a little bit so that my eardrums aren't bleeding the following morning? ***

    I eventually made my way to the bathroom. I tried to take a leak, but couldn't because some idiot was vomiting in the urinal next to me. Completely frustrated, I left that bathroom and tried another one a couple of minutes later. I walked toward the back section of Whiskey Tango, and immediately saw large clusters of people gathered in one area. All of them were wearing suits or dresses. As Kate later informed me (via the magic of the women's bathroom), they were here for a wedding.

    Look, I like Whiskey Tango and everything, but who the hell has a wedding there? I mean, this is a bar that tends to draw in some gray-bearded bikers and KKK members on the rare occasion. I don't know how chicks think - no one does - but I have to imagine that if I had a sex change and became someone's bride, I sure as hell wouldn't want to celebrate my wedding day next to some 55-year-old drunk motorcycle rider with a Swastika tattooed on his arm.

    After finally being able to go to the bathroom - no vomit near me this time - I went back to the front of the bar to rejoin my friends. About 15 minutes later, the bride (still wearing her wedding dress) and groom approached our table and made their way toward the exit. The following exchange occurred when Kate paid the bride a compliment:

    Kate: You look beautiful!

    Bride: Why thank you!!!

    Groom: No she doesn't!

    Wow! I heard of men jokingly insulting their wives after years of marriage, but to say that your new wife doesn't look good on her wedding night? Just, wow. As Kate later said, "That marriage isn't going to last very long."

    Of course, we didn't need that exchange to figure that out. It was doomed the minute they decided to celebrate their marriage with racist bikers.



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    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 24


    2014 NBA Mock Draft - April 23


    NFL Free Agents - April 22


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


    Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


    NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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