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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 14, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: University of Kansas

If you don't follow college football - and because there's no legit champion, I can't blame you if you don't - the University of Kansas fired its head coach Mark Mangino.

This surprised me at first because Mangino had a 25-13 record with the Jayhawks the three years. Based on his physique (see picture below) I assumed it was health-related. In fact, I was really scared for the guy; considering that he devours dozens of live animals every night, I figured his cholesterol had to be through the roof.

However, that wasn't the case. Well, his cholesterol could be higher than his credit score, but I'm referring to his health issues. News broke that Mangino was fired because he allegedly verbally and physically abused his players. He allegedly also abused some of the campus staff over parking tickets. I guess when you're 800 pounds, you're not entitled to park anywhere you want.

My issue with Kansas wasn't his firing; Mangino deserved to be axed. When 300-pound football players are afraid that their coach might accidentally or purposely eat them, it's usually not good for team morale.

Here's why the University of Kansas is one of my Jerks of the Week - it's because they took so long to fire Mangino. Mangino is a really bad guy, and it dates way back before he was even hired. In fact, the exact date that all the trouble began was June 23, 1991.

On that date, Mangino made it clear that his goal was to conquer the world and create his ultimate utopia. To do this, Mangino captured cute, tiny animals. He ate some of them, but entrapped the rest into robotic monstrosities to help carry out his plan. He also scattered thousands of golden rings and six emeralds across the lands.

Fortunately for humanity, a blue hedgehog has continuously saved us from Mangino. This selfless blue hedgehog has traveled the globe, traversing through crappy places like Green Hill Zone, Marble Zone, Scrap Brain Zone and the ultra-annoying Labyrinth Zone just to stop the evil Mangino.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I've exposed Mangino's true identity. He's obviously Dr. Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog. Take a look if you don't believe me:



How could Kansas hire a scumbag like this and keep him around for so long? Mangino's plan was obviously to capture the team's players and turn them into robots, just like he did with those poor animals.

Let's just all praise our lord and savior Tim Tebow that the University of Kansas realized how evil Mangino was and got rid of him before it was too late.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Congress Supporters

Great news - we're one step closer to college football becoming a legitimate sport.

On Wednesday, Congress approved legislation aimed at forcing communistic NCAA football to institute a playoff system to determine a valid national championship for the first time in its existence.

I thought this was great news. If it wasn't 15 degrees outside every day here in Philly, I would have stripped naked and streaked through the streets to celebrate this momentous occasion. I can't think of anything more exciting than pubeless boys participating in a legitimate 8- or 16-game playoff system (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Think about it - if there's a 16-team playoff, you can fill out brackets in your office, and not do any work while you watch one of your final four predictions burst in flames in the first round. Companies would lose even more money than they do during March Madness. It would be glorious.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who don't think Congress is doing the right thing. Some of the arguments include, "Congress should be spending time fixing our national debt," or "Congress should worry about the war in Iraq," or "Congress should fix our healthcare bill."

Even a member of Congress didn't even like it. Crooked politician John Barrow echoed the sentiments above, "With all due respect, I really think we have more important things to spend our time on."

Ohhh, really, Mr. Barrow? You're so above college sports that you don't have time to fix something so simple? You're so busy that you don't have any time to deal with this? Where were you when congress was investigating steroids in baseball? Was that not a waste of time? Call me crazy, but if grown men want to inject stuff into their anuses, that should be their business. Not yours.

Oh, and Mr. Barrow, where were you when complete imbecile Corrine Brown went on a diatribe about the Florida "Gatas" during your work hours? If you haven't seen Corrine's embarrassing performance, check it out for yourselves (and try not to laugh too hard if you're at work or at "schoo"): Corrine Brown - Go Gata!

Why didn't Mr. Barrow complain back then? Why didn't he stand up during Corrine's incoherent speech and yell, "This is a waste of time - can we get to more pressing matters?"

My guess is that the crooked Mr. Barrow is pocketing money along with the communistic NCAA presidents, but I have no proof of that.

What I have proof of, however, is that Congress sucks. They don't get anything done ever. They can't fix our healthcare problems, they can't end this war in Iraq and they can't repair our national debt because they're either complete morons like "Gentlewoman" Corrine Brown or corrupt crooks like Mr. Barrow.

To people who think Congress should not bother with an NCAA playoff: I hope I have been CLEAYA that those idiots can't get anything important done, so let's just hope they force the NCAA a**hole presidents into having a playoff.

If they somehow manage to do that, I definitely won't hesitate to "gradulate" them on their "flawrless" victory.

I yield back my time.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Communist Kids and Me

Oompa Loompa is at it again!

About a month ago, I complained that the director of my gym, a guy my friends call "Oompa Loompa," rents out the basketball courts too often on Saturdays, the only day I have time to play basketball.

We were recently informed that the courts would be closing at 4 p.m. because of a 3-month-long rental. Oompa Loompa told us that they offered too much money for him to turn down. I would have asked Oompa Loompa why he couldn't perform some of his dark magic and make gold coins appear out of thin air, but I didn't want to lose my membership.

We expected the rental to be for weird Mongolian soccer players again. Unfortunately, it was the only thing worse - children's soccer.

There were hundreds of Swine Flu-carrying little communists running around playing stupid soccer. It was terrible. There weren't any hot older sisters for me to hit on. It was just fat mothers, beer-belly mustached fathers and 10-year-old communists.

** Note: If you're not following, these kids are communists because they're playing an un-American sport. Being an introverted xenophobe, I call all soccer players communists. If you have a problem with that, too bad; it's my Web site and I can do whatever I please. **

After swimming for a bit, I walked into the lobby to talk to my friends. As we were discussing something, we noticed a group of 10-year-old kids rattling this vending machine. Apparently, one of the kids bought a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup that was stuck in one of the coils. These communist kids kept shaking the machine, but the Reese's just wouldn't fall out.

Eventually, the loud noise they were making annoyed the hell out of us. My friend Harris alerted them that the police would come and arrest them, but this ploy didn't work because they were aware of juvenile hall. My friend Dale then warned them that the machine could fall on them and hurt them. This caused one of the communists to stop, but the fat kid in the group seemed more determined than ever. "ME WANT TO EAT REESE'S," he continuously groaned.

This went on for about another minute when a brilliant idea entered my head. I smiled and calmly told the guys, "You know, there is an upside to this. If they break that machine, they might cancel their soccer rental forever, and we'll be able to play basketball as long as we please."

That did the trick. Apparently, playing soccer was more important to these commie bastards than the Reese's - and yes, even to the fat kid. Hearing my words, the kids scurried away, and everyone either laughed or nodded their head in approval. My friend Larry even called me "Ebenezer Scrooge." It was my finest hour.

Oh, and for good measure, I put 85 cents into the machine and got two Reese's for the price of one. Muhahahaha! And I'm eating them right now! NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!





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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
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Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
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Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
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Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
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Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
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Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
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Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
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Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
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Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 23


2014 NBA Mock Draft - April 23


NFL Free Agents - April 22


2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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