If you don't know who Jerry Jackson is, you've been missing out. Jerry is a 26-year-old Asian man who lives in his mom's basement. Rather than saving up for a house or a condo by working at a real job, Jerry is a professional barista at Starbucks.
Jerry, however, aspires to be more. He has bigger dreams. He admittedly sells drugs to fuel his gambling, the winnings from which he considers to be his annual income. Jerry also wants to have the abdomen of a Greek god. Most of all, Jerry strives not to be Asian. He wants to transform into a white man, and one day, he might be able to accomplish this goal by using all of his gambling "income" to pay the world's greatest plastic surgeon to make that happen.
How do I know Jerry? I don't know him at all. Well, that's not true. I've never met him, but I do, however, know him very well because he has been very transparent in my interactions with him. You may have seen them; if not, you're in for a treat.
Even though I've never met him, Jerry has flooded my Facebook wall with comments. It'd be one thing if he made insightful posts or asked good questions, but Jerry has done the exact opposite. Here was the first thing he ever wrote on my Facebook page:
Trolling me and making fun of me for bad selections is one thing, but calling a random guy's wife a "fat pig" is going too far. This, however, wasn't done out of malice; it had more to do with Jerry's own insecurity. Any psychologist will tell you that anyone who commits ad hominem like Jerry did is unhappy concerning something that has to do with themselves. That's why some of the most anti-gay people are homosexuals themselves. They're so insecure about being gay that they have to resort to hatred to make themselves feel better.
In Jerry's case, he's insecure about both his body and his race. How do I know that? Well, he originally had this as his profile picture:
I didn't think much of this when I first saw it; I figured he was just some jacked Asian dude (if there is such a thing). However, Facebook friend Kevin J. saw Jerry's posts exposed Jerry as a fraud, recognizing that the picture belonged to fitness model Alec Musser:
What sort of self-respecting man Photoshops his face onto another guy's body? How pathetic is that? It's like saying, "I'm an adult male, but I'm willing to admit that this guy is so much better than me. In fact, I want to become him. Maybe I can look as good as him if I Photoshop my face onto his body!" How sad.
Jerry Jackson then changed his picture to what he has now - an Asian dude wearing a Starbucks uniform, hence his statement about having other sources of income other than Starbucks. I don't think "rich uncle" counts, Jerry...
If you didn't follow the NFL playoffs, Jerry blew both of those selections, costing him $500. He would be down $550 because Vegas forces you to pay 10-percent juice on any wager, but it's obvious at this point that Jerry was a fraud and wasn't gambling anything worthwhile - not at his salary, which he revealed here:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Jerry doesn't just make $11 an hour. Oh, no! He makes OVER $11 an hour!!! HOLY S***, SON, JERRY IS ROLLING IN DOUGH!!!
Making matters worse for Jerry, he went against my College Football National Championship selection and went with Oregon. He claimed to bet $500 on that one - again, it would be $550 in real life - and he went down in flames once more, as Ohio State prevailed.
I posted a couple of these threads on my NFL Picks pages and assumed that Jerry would just go away because he embarrassed himself enough. He lost an alleged $1,100 (probably more like $50), he was caught Photoshopping his face onto someone else's body, and people laughed at him for making just "over" $11 an hour. That would be enough to humiliate any normal human being.
Jerry did feel ashamed enough that he disappeared for a few days. He even blocked someone:
Hilarious. I figured I had seen the last of Jerry, but he popped in the following Wednesday, threatening to sue me because I posted what he wrote on my Facebook page. He said his fictional attorney would contact me, with what I assumed to be a worthless cease and desist letter, given that Jerry posted on a public domain. Realizing how stupid he was and how worthless of a threat he issued, Jerry deleted what he wrote. Of course, it helped that one of my Facebook friends, who happens to be a Starbucks manager, threatened to contact his branch and have Jerry fired for making the company look bad.
That's why Jerry changed his picture in his next post. Here, he created a fake article saying that I had lost the lottery when I've never played that Ponzi scheme in my entire life:
Jerry was pwned pretty brutally. He obviously didn't post anything after that, save for asking, "When are you posting your Super Bowl pick, fat man?" He came back, however, the night before the Super Bowl:
I called him out for having a fake Facebook profile named Jake Tsunami, which has also been posting on my wall. Jake, who only has two Facebook friends, has been posting fake betting slips of his alleged wagers that he found on Google images. It's obvious that he and Jerry are the same person; they've both used the same lingo, and they always happen to be online at the exact same time. You'd think that Jerry would be smart enough to change their writing styles, but he is just a Starbucks barista despite his enormous salary, after all.
You have no idea how many have come up to me over the past few weeks and asked, "Who is that weirdo Jerry Jackson posting on your wall? He's so pathetic." Trollers gotta troll, apparently. And hey, I say it's a good thing. Think about it from my friend Frank's perspective. I hadn't spoken to him in months, but he texted me the following, "Hey bud, so you know you've made it on the Internet when you start getting trolls."
These trolls had a ball during the Super Bowl. They were going to pick against me no matter which team I selected. I made a big wager on the Seahawks, who were just one running play away from winning despite losing two key defenders during the game. Seattle was the obvious right side, but the old adage is that the right side doesn't always win.
With the Patriots being victorious, Jerry flooded my wall with posts from both of his accounts:
I was busy with my live Super Bowl blog, recap of the game, and final playoff power rankings, so I didn't see what Jerry and his alter ego posted until about two hours afterward. That's when I made my first response:
I don't get this logic. First of all, Jerry lost an alleged $1,100 by going against me earlier, so how did I make him "much $$$" this year? And second, if Jerry did, in fact, fade me all year and happened to make "much $$$" - which, in Starbucks land, might be like $75 - why would he want me to shut down my Web site? Why wouldn't he want to keep fading me so he could keep profiting? #Starbuckslogic rears its ugly head once again!
While Jerry thought he was doing a great job of making me look stupid, almost everyone who was awake at this time was laughing at him, including Bryan, he posted this:
This prompted the following exchange between Bryan and Jerry, with some of my thoughts in between...
Jerry has humiliated himself on countless occasions, but stating that he's actually friends with Alec Musser was the cherry on top. I could see Jerry hanging pictures of Musser all over his parents' basement and jacking off to them, sighing, "One day, Alec, we'll get to hang out, and you'll teach me how to have great abs, because you're my bestest friend in the world."
Jerry's lie about Musser was just absurd. Even in some bizarro universe in which the two happened to be best friends - pigs would fly and Rosie O'Donnell would be hot in this world - why would Jerry Photoshop his face onto his best friend's body? I've never done this with any of my friends' bodies, and they've never done the same thing with my body. At least I hope they haven't!
There was more than one post going at this time, so it was hard to keep up with Jerry's idiotic comments. Here was the largest thread, which was where I posted a link to my final playoff power rankings...
I'm going to interrupt this thread just to point out how much of an a**hole Jerry is. It's so obvious how insecure he is because he constantly feels the need to make fun of the girlfriends/wives of those who post on my wall. If Jerry had a significant other, he wouldn't do this because he wouldn't be so insecure. Jerry is just mad because he knows there's a chance that no one in the real world will ever care for him very much unless he completely changes his awful personality.
But hey, at least Jerry has Alec Musser's pictures to masturbate to. Small victories for pathetic people, I suppose.
Here's the rest of that long thread...
To summarize, in one Facebook post alone, Jerry...
Showed his insecurities by making fun of a guy's girlfriend.
Contradicted himself and ultimately admitted that I profited off my picks.
Failed to understand the concept that making football wagers has nothing to do with someone's income.
Displayed his ignorance toward understanding how basic accounting works.
Made a failed attempt to snitch on someone to the IRS.
Inadvertently made himself a target for the IRS to look into.
Was exposed as being weaker than a high school girl.
Lied about bullying people in middle school.
Screwed up basic math, failing to realize that he lost money betting against me.
Obsessed with guys' abs (once again).
Potentially lost a job in which he gets paid "over" $11 an hour.
All of this did not deter Jerry, who was back the following morning with a couple of other posts, including this one:
Of course it goes without saying. I wouldn't spend my time talking to a guy who makes "over" $11 an hour at Starbucks and Photoshops his head on an imaginary best friend's body if he didn't provide humorous content for my picks page and Jerks of the Week. Jerry is pathetic, but that's what makes him worth talking to, if that makes any sense.
Besides, Jerry is interesting. I mean, he lives in his parents' basement, doesn't have any sort of sexual action going and spends times fantasizing about owning a nice pair of abs, so he's technically not interesting. But he's interesting in the sense that it's curious what happened to him as a child that made him this way. Perhaps he was dropped on his head as a kid. Maybe he had no friends throughout middle school - it's likely that he was the one who was bullied. Or he's just a loser who was rejected too many times by dudes with nice abs. I don't know, but here's a good theory someone else came up with:
It's quite possible - and I alluded to this earlier - that Jerry considers me one of his best friends. Perhaps he trolled Alec Musser's Facebook wall as well, thus becoming "best friends" with him in the process. If so, then perhaps this recommendation was music to Jerry's ears:
Forget the Alec Musser posters! Jerry printed 100 copies of these and plastered them all over his parents' basement. He then took off his pants and grabbed his wang.
"Ohh... ohh... yeah, Walt... we're going to be great coworkers at Starbucks... yeah... we're going to Photoshop our faces on hot dudes' bodies... ohh... ooHH OHHHHH!!!"
Damn it. I think I just officially became Jerry's new best friend.