Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012
Jerks of the Week for May 14, 2012
JERK OF THE WEEK: The Adventures of My Beard
My friend Jess' 22nd birthday was a week ago. She didn't know where to have her party, so I happily offered my house back in March. Three reasons for this:
1. I like having parties and gatherings at my place because it allows me to drink as much as I want without worrying about driving home. I've never gotten into trouble for drinking and driving, but I've had too many friends ruin their lives because they've crashed into poles and trees after having way too many beers. In fact, one of my dad's former employees drove his car into a restaurant a few years ago.
2. Jess is my friend, and she also happens to be a girl. Being a guy, shopping for girls is next to impossible. I can't buy them clothes, because I don't know what looks good, and I can't figure out all of the sizes. You'd think they'd make it easy - small, medium, large, extra large, Rosie O'Donnell - but there are numbers and shapes and stuff. For example, I've heard a girl once say, "I'm a size two circle." And then another said, "Well I'm a size zero rectangle." What the hell is that?
Offering Jess my house for her party would allow me to get out of purchasing a gift - though I did end up buying her something cool. More on that later.
3. As you may know, getting raped by a hot chick or an average-looking girl is one of my life goals. It's been scientifically proven that having a party at your place increases the chances of that tenfold (source: Wikipedia). Consider the following sample conversation:
Dude Hosting the Party: Doo doo doo doo doo, I'm going to bed. Hark, who is this female in my bed?
Hot Chick or Average-Looking Girl: Oh noez, I got lost, and now I'm sleeping in your bed. I will also rape you. Be prepared to get raped.
Dude Hosting the Party: YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS, MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE!!! I mean, cough, cough, NOOOOOO PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME!
Anyway, I told Jess that she could have her party. As I said, this was back in March, and her party was slated to be in mid-May, so I didn't think about it because I was so busy with the 2012 NFL Draft in April. I did talk to my friend A-Team though, who asked me if I received Jess' Facebook invitation to some type of mustache party. I immediately logged onto Facebook, and sure enough, Jess' birthday party had a mustache theme.
I asked Jess about this, and she said she would not let anyone into my house who didn't have a mustache. Many people would end up drawing mustaches with markers or wearing fake mustaches, but I went all out and grew my own.
As a man of eastern European descent, I grow facial hair very quickly. If I don't want any sort of facial hair, I have to shave twice a day. I can grow a full beard in a week. It's ridiculous.
I wanted to make Jess proud by boasting a thick mustache, so I decided not to shave for nine days with the goal of taking everything off, save for the stache, prior to the party. I'd like to chronicle the adventures I had with my beard leading up to this event.
Friday, May 4:
I decided to get Jess a birthday present. I asked her if she had finished Feast for Crows (the fourth book in the Game of Thrones series). She told me no, but not to get her A Dance with Dragons (the next one) because she'd rather read it on Kindle. She then texted me, "I don't want anything," only instead of "anything," she typed "Anthony."
I drove over to Neshaminy Mall. I found nothing at Barnes & Noble. I then walked by Spencer's Gifts, and I suddenly came up with a great idea. I asked the girl who worked there if they sold blow-up dolls. There was one male version of one, and it happened to be a midget. I decided that I would buy this for Jess - and that I would name him Anthony.
I went to Tango later that evening, as I normally do on Fridays. I had thick stubble at this point, but some interesting things occurred there:
First of all, I discovered that one of the male bartenders reads Jerks of the Week. He told my friends that he enjoys this feature of my Web site, but doesn't know whether to like me or hate me because I make fun of all of his customers.
I talked to the bartender about this. He said some pretty surprising things. For example, Drunken Santa Claus, referred to in the previous link, is a legitimate genius. He tests jets for a living. I've already had reservations about flying post-9/11; now, I don't think I'm ever taking a trip in the air. I won't be able to shake the vision of my pilot asking snot-nosed brats what they want for Christmas while flying the plane. What if the plane is struck by lightning and is going down, and the pilot can't do anything about it because some whining 6-year-old girl wants a unicorn?
This bartender also told my friends that he's going to tell Hot Blond Bartender about Jerks of the Week. So, she might be reading about this right now. I tried to tell this to my friends, but because I was drunk and slurring my words, I managed to combine "Blond Bartender" into "Blondtender."
The second interesting thing is that Tango will be closing. Again. Apparently, they're changing owners for the 800th time in the past five years, and the old owners didn't bother renewing the liquor license.
I'm not the only person who is pissed off about this. Paul Raymond, who runs MySportsRumors.com and also happens to frequent Tango, sent me an e-mail the following Friday:
I can only imagine how Drunken Santa feels about this. Though I guess it's for the best - there will be fewer jets that crash in the next two weeks.
Saturday, May 5:
I didn't do anything crazy on Cinco de Mayo because I had an early party the following day. I did go out to dinner at a pizzeria with some friends Saturday evening. One of them, Larry, asked if I picked any winners for the Kentucky Derby.
Me: I have picks on my site, yeah.
Larry: Who do you have?
Me: I don't know. I don't even know who's racing. Is Smarty Jones still in it?
Larry: You don't know? How do you have picks and not know whom you're taking?
Me: Some handicapping site provides them. In exchange, I link to them.
Larry: But you didn't read what they wrote?
Larry: But they could have written anything. What if they wrote something sleazy?
Me: Meh. My editor will take care of it.
I suppose I should have read it because they could have written something like, "We like little boys, teeheehee!" I was too hung over though.
As it turns out, they nailed the exacta. I discovered this when someone congratulated me on Facebook. I didn't know it at the time though; we watched the race at the pizzeria. Well, my friends were watching. I was busy checking out the super-hot brunette waitress with the nice butt.
See, if the horse-racing handicappers would have written, "We like staring at hot chicks with nice a**es, teeheehee!" that would have been accurate. I suppose I don't have to read what they send over after all.
Sunday, May 6:
I mentioned that I had an early party. My friend Adrienne's brother Will was turning 18, so I was invited to that. If Will sounds familiar to you, I drunkenly tried to convince him to drink and drive at another party that I hosted back in June. And no, if you're wondering, Will never worked for my dad.
Anyway, you can vaguely see that I'm slightly scruffy in this picture of me sandwiched between Adrienne and Jess:
Yes, I'm drunk. No, Jess is not naked. And no, I did not get Will to drink and drive at this party. I was pretty well behaved, save for two instances:
First, one of Will's cousins (maybe 10 years old) approached me when I was trying to watch the final minutes of the Sixers-Bulls Game 4.
Kid: Hey, can I go downstairs and play the piano?
Me: Sure, go ahead, kid.
I don't know why he would ask my permission to do anything because it wasn't my house, but he looked at me quizzically and then walked toward the basement. Jess yelled at me shortly afterward, telling me that he couldn't go to the basement unsupervised because he was autistic. He also apparently wanted me to play the piano with him. Sorry, but I am not a Syracuse assistant basketball coach. Not that anyone at Penn State would ever do a thing like that.
Second, another one of Will's cousins, this one being an 8-year-old, was observing us playing beer pong. He saw me drinking some sort of concoction.
Kid: Hey, what are you drinking?
Me: Red Mountain Dew and vodka. You should pour yourself a glass.
I was kidding, but this drew a couple of angry looks from some people who heard me. Only a couple though; us eastern Europeans believe that drinking should commence before the age of 10. I must remind you that my cousin Lev was forced to drink vodka when he was 6 years old, and now he's a partner at some software company. Clearly, there should be no drinking age. Educating your kids about this type of stuff is the way to go; otherwise, they'll learn from some losers in the woods somewhere.
Monday, May 7:
I had a meeting with my bank on this day because I'm re-financing my mortgage. I misplaced my personal tax returns, however, so I had to go to my accountant's office.
My accountant's assistant is used to seeing me as clean-shaven or only slightly scruffy, so upon observing my facial hair, she asked if anything was wrong. I told her that I had a mustache party on Friday. She then shook her head and quickly handed me my returns. She knows me well, so I don't think she was surprised.
Tuesday, May 8:
I had a legitimate beard by Tuesday. Two things of note happened:
First, I went to the gym. As usual, I had trouble communicating with the super-hot chick at the front desk:
Hot Chick: Hey, how are you?
Me: Umm... I.... uhh...
Hot Chick: Growing a beard?
Me: Derr... ack... bleh...
Hot Chick: I love beards. I will rape you right now if you say yes.
Me: I... blah.... mroo...
Hot Chick: No? Oh, that's too bad.
OK, none of that happened. She didn't even ask, "Hey, how are you?" She looked at me with a disgusted expression on her face.
I later went to Saladworks. There was a female worker I had never seen there before. I ordered a Buffalo Blu salad, but she put the minimal amount of chicken and blue cheese on it. When I asked for more, she obliged, but looked perplexed - almost as if she was thinking, "This guy looks homeless, yet he wants more stuff on his salad? I thought he'd be content with just lettuce."
Wednesday, May 9:
If I didn't look like a homeless bum on Tuesday, I definitely did on Wednesday. I was also completely unappealing to women, as I discovered when I went out to dinner.
I always eat Saladworks and Wawa, so I thought it was time for a change. There are tons of international restaurants near my development, so I figured, new facial hair, new cultural cuisine. Why not?
I decided on Arby's. I've always seen Arby's restaurants everywhere, but I've never actually walked into one. I enjoyed the country western motif they have in there. It made me happy that I was expanding my horizons.
The chick working the register was probably a 5.5 or maybe a six out of 10. I told her I wanted two beef-and-cheddar sandwiches, large curly fries and mozzarella sticks. The total came out to $12-something, so I gave her a $20, expecting $7 and change back. Instead, she handed me two $1 bills and change. I was pretty confused about this.
Me: Hey, I think you're supposed to give me a $5.
Cashier: What? How do you figure?
Me: I gave you a $20. Twenty minus 12-something is 7-something. You gave me 2-something.
Cashier: You gave me a $20? I thought you gave me a $10?
Me: What? How does that make any sense? Why would you give me money back then if the bill was $20?
Cashier: Oh, OK. Here's $5.
What the hell was that about? Was she trying to cheat me out of money intentionally because she thought I was a bum who couldn't count? She tried to explain herself.
Cashier: Sorry, it's been a long day.
Me: Really? How long?
She walked away in disgust. Either she was depressed that I figured out that she was trying to cheat me, or she was appalled that a homeless man was hitting on her. Not that I would want to. I mean, sure, I'd let her take advantage of me, but why would I hit on her?
Thursday, May 10:
My beard, as you may suspect, was even longer on Thursday. I looked even more homeless. People must have thought that my big cardboard box was downgraded to a medium-sized cardboard box.
I went to the gym again. It was very weird swimming with a long beard because it felt like bugs were crawling on my face. There was also a new girl working the front desk. She was cute, but had a giant tattoo covering one of her arms. This completely ruined her for me; I hate tattoos, as I described in my St. Patrick's Day entry.
Side note: St. Stalin's Day will be on Saturday. Make sure you wear red and drink heavily. Check out the Facebook event page for St. Stalin's Day, or go to the Two Funny Philly Guys event if you're in Philly. I'll be there, probably intoxicated as hell.
Anyway, I attempted to strike a conversation with the Girl with the Arm Tattoo. She looked like she wanted to call security to let them know that a bum/terrorist infiltrated the building. I don't even like chicks with tattoos, yet I couldn't get her to stop grimacing at me. This was getting bad. Luckily, I could shave all my facial hair, save for the mustache, the following day...
Friday, May 11:
The day of the party had finally arrived. I went to the gym first though. My friend, Hot Lifeguard, didn't even recognize me.
Hot Lifeguard: Excuse me, sir. You have to be a member to swim here. I'm not sure where you can find a soup kitchen though.
Me: Hot Lifeguard, it's me, Walt!
Hot Lifeguard: What the hell happened to y... hey, Walt!
After another mile of having bugs crawling over my face, I went home. Jess, Adrienne, my cousin Polina and our friend Marlana arrived shortly afterward. They were thoroughly impressed by how thick my beard was, but Jess wanted to see me with just a mustache. So, I shaved everything but that off.
There were mixed reactions. Some complimented me, saying that I looked like Littlefinger, Alex Trebek or a porn star. A girl, however, said that I reminded her of a rapist. No, you are supposed to be raping me, not the other way around, woman!
Anyway, I gave Anthony to Jess, and she loved it, claiming that it was the best birthday present she's ever received (take that, other people!) The party itself was fun. Four things of note:
1. Tim Tebow showed up. No joke. Well, a slight joke. One of the guests was a guy who looked exactly like Tebow. The person who invited him talked about how people always go, "OMG it's Tim Tebow!" whenever he's out somewhere. I spoke to him for a few minutes...
Me: I can't believe I just lost at beer pong.
Tim Tebow: I'd like to thank Jesus Christ for giving me this opportunity to be here at this party tonight.
Tim Tebow: This shirt is made by Jockey. Jockey - the true original!
This got boring very quickly.
2. I got super drunk at this party. Two things give it away if I'm super inebriated. One is that I start hugging everyone, both girls and guys (not that there's anything wrong with that.) Two is that I dance. Whenever I hit a shot in beer pong, I would do the Victor Cruz salsa dance. When I hit a game-winner, I Tebowed. I glanced over at Tebow to see if he enjoyed my Tebowing, but he looked like he was praying, and I didn't want to interrupt.
3. Other people were super drunk too. Three of the girls decided that it would be a good idea to sit on one of my kitchen chairs. It broke. I was pretty devastated, to be honest. I bought my kitchen table because of the chairs. I found them at a shady, back-alley furniture store, where the guy refused to sell me the chairs unless I bought the table. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that one of them broke, but still. If I don't get a replacement chair - or at least told where I can buy one - I will be very angry.
4. We played Kings toward the end of the night, and it was pretty fun, aside from people continuously spilling Woodchuck cider all over my wooden floor.
Some of the rules were nuts. By the end of the game, when someone drank, they had to slap this dude's butt, then slap my behind, and then motorboat the person to the left. Unfortunately, I never got to motorboat anyone, and even worse, no drunken girl wandered off into my bed.
I think I'm going to force Jess to make sure this happens the next time she has a party at my house.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
NFL Picks - Dec. 4
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 29
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 19
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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