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Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2010




Jerks of the Week for May 31, 2010


JERKS OF THE WEEK ANNIVERSARY: LIVE WEDDING RETRO BLOG

It's hard to believe, but today is the 1-year anniversary of Jerks of the Week. Three hundred and sixty-five days ago, I libeled Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques and David Stein, and I have since belittled 143 more jerks.

The genesis of Jerks of the Week was the second entry - barbeques. Don't get me wrong, I could eat hot dogs and cheeseburgers three times a day for the rest of my life (and probably die from a massive heart attack in the process). However, a barbeque was what prevented me from taking a hot date to my former college roommate's wedding (really a must-attend meet-and-greet at her new law firm). Though I still had fun by myself, I felt the need to rant about that particular barbeque as soon as I returned home from Hershey, Pa. after the wedding. It was the start of a revolution.

I realized what I wanted to do for the 1-year anniversary of Jerks of the Week while reading Bill Simmons' book, Now I Can Die in Peace. Simmons, a columnist for ESPN, is my favorite writer and a big reason why this Web site exists. In his book, Simmons compiled a running diary of a wedding he attended in September 1999. Since a wedding and an intrusive barbeque sparked Jerks of the Week, I decided to create a live retro blog of this wedding for this anniversary.

2:00 PM: The wedding starts in four hours. I should be packing for my overnight stay in Hershey, but I'm procrastinating and looking up porn instead. I still can't believe Dennis, my old college roommate is getting married. As dumb freshmen, we used to hit up seedy frat parties and unsuccessfully game STD-ridden whores, and we were naive enough to be amazed that they always ended up sleeping with older, sleazy frat brothers. That seems so logical now.

That was eight years ago. Where has all the time gone? I'm now 30 pounds heavier and I suffer a hangover after drinking three beers. Dennis is losing his freedom by getting married. If our 18-year-old versions of ourselves saw us now, they'd most likely commit suicide (or just become sleazy frat brothers and bang those STD carriers).

2:15 PM: I'm now packing my crap into my bags as quickly as possible. Dennis told me that his family is drinking before the ceremony (they're Irish), so my goal is to make it in time and be completely plastered by the wedding vows.

3:00 PM: My goal was to be out of the house by 2:45 It's 3 o'clock and I'm just starting my car. No worries though. Hershey is less than two hours away, which gives me just enough time to check into my hotel and have 3-4 beers before the ceremony begins. Hell, if drunk driving weren't illegal, I would have consumed a few beers on the car ride over. Stupid laws.

3:45 PM: I'm halfway to Hershey, so this would have been a good time to begin drinking. I look into the mirror to make sure I don't look like a complete slob. Dennis told me there won't be any single girls at this wedding, but I didn't believe him. It's a wedding for crying out loud. Isn't there a rule that states there must be hot single girls desperately looking for men? This is my first wedding ever and I only know a few people on the guest list, but I'm pretty sure that Dennis is misinformed. He has probably never seen Wedding Crashers.

4:05 PM: I'm finally off the God-forsaken Pennsylvania Turnpike. MapQuest is telling me to turn right onto the next road and follow it for about 13 miles until it takes me into Hershey. Hot bridesmaids and beer, here I come!

4:30 PM: It's been about 16 miles and I haven't seen any mention of Hershey. I pull over to the side of the road and call my friend Duff. I give him my current intersection. After inputting it into his GPS, he gives me the following bad news: "You've been going the wrong way ever since you got off the turnpike!"

Crap. Now I have to double back. Looks like I'll be completely sober for the ceremony. F***ing A.

5:10 PM: I'm finally in Hershey. All of the lamp posts are shaped like Hershey's Kisses. Forget the beer; I want some Hershey's chocolate. NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

5:13 PM: I no longer see lamp posts shaped like Hershey's Kisses. I guess I must have missed my turn onto East Chocolate Road (not making that street name up). Let me double back. Again.

5:16 PM: I have now returned to the street that took me into Hershey. Where the hell is East Chocolate Road?

5:20 PM: I'm out of Hershey again. Why can't I find f***ing East Chocolate Road? What the hell is going on here? I'm going to miss the f*** wedding! I pull over and curse the heavens.

5:21 PM: I call Duff again, who has now dubbed himself as my "GPS B***h." He tells me that I need to take another street to get to East Chocolate Road, even though my MapQuest directions say otherwise. Why would MapQuest lie to me twice? I thought we were friends.

5:25 PM: I'm finally on East Chocolate Road, and there are more Hershey's Kisses than ever before. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life.

5:35 PM: I run into the hotel and ring the bell at the front desk. "I'm here for the Field wedding," I say, gasping for air. Apparently, I've eaten too many hot dogs and cheeseburgers over the years, and am currently in terrible shape.

The woman asks for my ID and my credit card. I hand over the former, and scour through my bag until I come to the terrible realization that I forgot to bring my credit card. Crap, looks like I'll be sleeping in my car tonight.

5:40 PM: After pleading with the woman for five minutes and reciting my credit card number by heart (thank you, Amazon.com and Nintendo Wii for helping me memorize those 16 digits), she finally concedes and gives me my room key. I thank her repeatedly as my friend Hab walks into the lobby. He tells me that everyone is leaving now. Without even going into my hotel room, I run back to the parking lot, throw my bags into the trunk, and then hop into Hab's car with Duff and his girlfriend.




5:50 PM: Thankfully, I'm not the only one who's sober. Hab, Duff and I recall drunken memories from Penn State on the way over to the church. Our livers are very displeased to hear these stories.

5:55 PM: We arrive at the church five minutes before the ceremony is supposed to begin. Unfortunately, we can't find the ceremony. While walking around in circles, we bump into six other people who can't find it either.

6:00 PM: We finally locate the ceremony, which is conspicuously in the bottom basement of the church. Way to have your wedding in a dungeon, Dennis.

As we walk in, the organ begins to play. We realize that we're blocking the view of all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, so we duck into the first aisle near the door.

6:05 PM: Random people start walking down the aisle. The only person I recognize is Dennis' best man, Doug. I turn my attention to the crowd. Surely there has to be at least one hot single girl here, right?

6:06 PM: It doesn't take me long to spot her - a brunette with an incredible body. Sexy time.

6:07 PM: I notice that she's sitting next to some dude. Damn you, Dennis!

7:00 PM: The next 53 minutes were a blur. I spent the entire time either comatosely staring forward or scouring the crowd for hot chicks with no avail. The next thing I knew, Dennis and his bride Mari were walking out of the church.

7:30 PM: Now back in Hab's car, we get lost on the way to the reception even though we used Duff's GPS to navigate our way there. Who's the GPS b***h now, Duff?

7:50 PM: After asking for directions, we finally locate the reception. I approach the bartender and ask if there's any liquor like vodka or gin, but apparently beer and wine are our only options. I think wine is one of the most disgusting things on this planet, so the choice is easy.

** Side note: Why do I think wine is disgusting? I can't stand its temperature. When I drink something, I want it to be cold and refreshing; not something that's as warm as piss. Also, I had eight cups of wine one night at Penn State during my sixth year. According to sources, I ended up crying about Lakitu (the a-hole from Super Mario Bros. who throws porcupines at you from his cloud), citing that he killed many people and needed to be stopped. I threw up 10 minutes later. **

8:00 PM: Just had a conversation with Dennis' dad. He's a cool guy, but there is absolutely no way he's remembering anything we said to each other tomorrow. If I were to guess, I'd say he's been drinking since 6 a.m. I'm extremely jealous.

8:45 PM: I'm three or four beers in, and none of the few single women there are attractive yet. God help me if I sleep with a 500-pound pig after 15 beers. All I ask is that I'm not eaten alive.

9:00 PM: It's time for food. I stand in line, and begin talking to Duff and his girlfriend Melina. Melina calls me her "inspiration" for running a Web site as a full-time job. She and Duff tell me about a Web site they're working on, and I encourage them to continue despite Duff's reservations. Lo and behold, BaltimoreSpecials.com. I'll take all of the credit, thanks.

9:05 PM: I grab two plates packed with various meats, cheeses and breads, and begin stuffing everything into my mouth. NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

9:25 PM: I'm now at a drunken level where I can approach any stranger nonchalantly. But apparently, I'm not a complete stranger to anyone else. Though I've barely met anyone there, everyone somehow knows me because of this Web site.

10:05 PM: I've discussed football with people I've never met before for the past 40 minutes. Hopefully they remember some of the smarter things I said, like, "I think the Saints will go to the Super Bowl," or "The Texans or the Bengals will make the playoffs this year," and forget that I foolishly had the Giants No. 1 in my 2009 NFL Power Rankings, or remarked, "Watch out for the Bears this year!" Too bad you can't give drunken people selective memory.




10:10 PM: Football discussion has now concluded and everyone is now slow dancing. Well, except for the few single people there: me, Hab and some large girl with cankles. Hab and I look at her, then at each other, and say "Nah!" at the same time.

10:15 PM: Everyone is still slow dancing, so Hab checks the Cavaliers-Magic score on his nifty phone (mine barely supports text messaging). Orlando is up by 10 points with a few minutes remaining - and I bet $220 to win $200 on the Cavaliers.

Great. I fail to bring my hot date to this wedding; I get lost twice on the way there; I almost have to sleep in my car; I nearly miss the wedding; I can't get drunk before the ceremony; I have no hot girls to talk to; and to top it all off, I'm $220 in the hole. I'm THIS close to being as pathetic as the Erin Andrews-stalking Eric Mangini.

10:45 PM: The next 30 minutes are a blur. I'm pretty sure I texted my barbeque-bound hot date, but I don't think she replied. I have officially reached the Erin Andrews-stalking Eric Mangini pathetic level.

10:50 PM: Everyone has gathered in a circle, so Hab and I wander over to see what all the fuss is about. Standing in the middle of the circle is Dennis' dad, who starts doing this crazy song and dance.

I don't know if it was all the beer, but I remember it being the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. I later told Dennis, "I want to download the mp3." He laughed, but I wasn't joking.

10:55 PM: After Dennis' dad's jig, I spotted the desert tray. Unfortunately, I can't recall if I had the cookies or brownies, but it was the best thing I have ever eaten. And no, this wasn't a drunk "OMG these Doritos are the best ever!" declaration. I had four or five of whatever they were, and I think I had an orgasm each time.

11:00 PM: The reception concludes, and everyone starts heading over to the hotel for the after party. Hab's more sober than me, so he offers to drive. This seems like a good idea.

11:20 PM: We somehow make it back to the hotel without crashing or getting pulled over by cops. Since most of the people aren't back yet, I decide to check out my hotel room.

11:30 PM: My initial reaction: "Holy crap!" It was huge. There were multiple rooms inside my suite, a large couch, an emperor-sized bed, a spacious work desk and a huge TV. I suddenly realized why I had to fork over close to $300 for the night. Too bad I would use none of these contraptions (save for the bed) during my stay.

11:45 PM: Random people start filing into the after party, which is about 10 doors down from my room. There are no hot single girls, but there is plenty of beer. I'm content.

12:00 AM: The phone rings. Apparently, we're being too loud. We move our party to the other side of the floor.

12:15 AM: The phone rings again. Once again, we've offended some losers who are trying to sleep. Who goes to bed at midnight? Jerks.

12:30 AM: We compromise with the staff to have our after party in the hotel lobby. They're in shock when random drunks cart down dozens of huge coolers of beer. Gotta love an Irish wedding (even if there are no hot single girls there).

1:00 AM: I'm talking to Dennis' cousin Terrence about my 2009 NFL Power Rankings. Once I tell him that I have the Giants ranked first, he yells back, "There's no way the Giants are winning the division. They're... the... Va-Giants!"

1:05 AM: All of the drunken males in the room are impressed with Terrence's new nickname for the Giants. Everyone believes Terrence is a genius.

1:10 AM: Terrence approaches his fiancee, and a hilarious conversation ensues:

Terrence: I have a new invention that will make us rich!

Terrence's Fiancee (looking skeptical): What is it?

Terrence: Va-Giants!

Terrence's Fiancee (looking confused): Huh?

Terrence: You know the Giants? If you mix their name with vaginas, you get Va-Giants!

Terrence's Fiancee (looking annoyed): Ugh!

1:20 AM: "Va-Giants!" is yelled often over the next 10 minutes. Dennis' sister Kim constantly shakes her head at Terrence disapprovingly.

1:30 AM: One of Dennis' friends walks into the hotel lobby. His eyes are bloodshot and he reeks of weed. Terrence yells "Va-Giants!" and the super-high individual bursts out laughing like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard in his life.

1:45 AM: Dennis appears out of nowhere. I have at least 12 beers in me, but I have this brilliant idea about a Web site where people can make their own NFL Mock Drafts, NFL Power Rankings, picks and NFL Draft Prospect Rankings. Eventually, they'll be able to have a live NFL Mock Draft with various people, and all of this will be linked from WalterFootball.com. We'll also be able to have a large NFL Mock Draft contest on the site.

About three months later, DraftDebacled.com was launched.

2:00 AM: Our in-depth conversation about DraftDebacled.com is interrupted by Kim, who says to Dennis, "I didn't know your roommate was so cute." Uh oh. Based on what happens in the next few hours, Dennis and I may not be friends anymore.

2:30 AM: Some people are violent when they're drunk. There are those who get depressed. Others tell random people, "You're my best friend... hic!" And Terry Bradshaw spends his drunken time doing NFL pre-game shows for FOX.

Duff is a yeller. I forgot what he was capable of because I hadn't seen him this drunk in more than five years. But Duff reached the point where he was bellowing random things, ranging from obscenities directed at no one, to indecipherable fabricated words.

2:55 AM: It took us a while, but we convinced Duff to go to bed. He seemingly tried to insult everyone in the process, but no one understood what he was saying.

4:30 AM: The rest of the night was a drunken haze. I remember listening to the wedding band for a while. I also recall having a conversation with Kim, Terrence and Dennis' dad. The four of us must have consumed a combined 75 beers by that point, so I doubt our discussion made any logical sense. "Va-Giants" was probably mentioned early and often. Eventually, I made it back to my room and passed out.

5:30 AM: Or tried to pass out. As great as my room was, the pillows were terrible. They were these tiny little hard pillows that...

10:00 AM: ...Gave me a huge headache the next morning. I had to beg the same lady at the front desk for some Advil. I was up this early because Dennis called me and invited me to brunch at Mari's parents' house. Plus, checkout was in an hour, and I didn't want to be charged another obscene $300 and forced to recite my credit card numbers again.

10:45 AM: Dennis gives me his GPS so I can get to Mari's. I get lost anyway, and have to call Dennis. He's my GPS b***h today.

11:15 AM: I finally arrive at Mari's, wondering how many times I'll get lost on the way home. My worries are quelled when I walk into the house and smell all the great food.

11:30 AM: Before Brunch is served, Dennis and I take a picture together, and a new relative of his remarks, "I bet you have some funny stories about Dennis from your two years living together at Penn State." I laugh, opting not to discuss our frat party adventures or the time that Dennis drunkenly wandered the wrong way home from a party on a Saturday night, accidentally reaching the outskirts of State College instead of our dorm.

11:40 AM: Brunch is served! There were all sorts of great things, but I'll never forget the sausage gravy and biscuits. Oh my God. I would gladly forfeit any future hot wedding dates if I could have those again.

12:15 PM: Terrence walks in and sits down. He asks, "Was that Va-Giants thing a good idea, or was I just stupid drunk?" All the males at the table tell him that it was epic. All of the females shake their heads in disgust. Women just don't understand awesomeness.

12:45 PM: I bid farewell to everyone. Dennis promises to contact me after his honeymoon so we can get started on DraftDebacled.com. Mari's mother assures me that I won't get lost if I follow her directions. If she ever reads this live retro blog, she'll realize how futile that prediction really was.

And yes, I got lost - but only once this time.



More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




Fantasy Football Rankings - July 26


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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