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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013




Jerks of the Week for Jan. 7, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of Christmas Shopping

Christmas shopping is often agonizing for people. You hear horror stories about paying too much for a perfect gift, having to wake up early on Black Friday and spending an obscene amount of time in traffic going to and from the mall.

I, on the other hand, love Christmas shopping. Buying stuff for myself is great and all, but the primary appeal is finding some jerks at the mall. There always a ton of them during the holiday season. I've chronicled my adventures over the years. Just last December, I managed to elude the evil Count of Neshaminy Mall. The year before that, I encountered the 12 Jerks of Christmas. And then there was the time a href = "jerksoftheweek091221.php"> I nearly killed a . Good times.

This December was no different. I went to Neshaminy Mall the Friday before Christmas. I had already bought some stuff online, but there were a few things I needed to purchase at the mall. I anticipated finding numerous jerks there, and I was not disappointed. In fact, the first person I saw as soon as I entered the doors near the food court was some guy in a wheelchair who was kicking his legs to move himself around. He had this insane expression on his face as if he just escaped from a mental hospital and didn't understand that he wasn't paralyzed and didn't need a wheelchair. And that's when I knew it would be an adventurous jerk-finding day.


1. Me

Well, it wasn't an adventurous jerk-finding day initially. I wandered the mall, searching specifically for jerks, but I couldn't find any. The closest thing to one was this 13-year-old chubby dude who inexplicably did a crazy jig in the video game store, prompting the skinny girl he was with to comment, "Ugh I need some more friends that are girls."

I left that store and wandered toward the area where Santa Claus is usually set up. I naturally would see lots of kids or dumb parents worth writing about there, so why not? I was thinking about the possibilities when suddenly this old lady walking in front of me tripped and fell. She just collapsed out of nowhere.

The younger woman accompanying the old lady shouted for help, while this other guy sprinted over and asked if she was OK. Me? I just kept walking by. I thought about assisting her, but there were already two people there, so I didn't think my help was needed. I mean, why would they need a second dude? I was conflicted, but ultimately decided that it would be better off if I continued my trek toward Santa's station, which was right ahead of me.

Oddly enough, there were no kids or parents waiting in line to see Santa. His helper chicks were there, but no eager kids or parents were vulturing around his fenced-in area like last year, which I thought was strange. I then realized he probably just took a break to drink some booze or bang one of his helpers.

I approached the fence encircling Santa's area to get a good look at the iconic figure. I was just curious if Neshaminy Mall did a good job of hiring this guy. As I stared at Santa, he glanced back at me, and our eyes met. He then gave me a scowl and shook his head disapprovingly. After about 10 seconds of this, he looked back at the poor old woman, who was being tended to by several concerned bystanders. He then focused on me and continued to shake his head. I then noticed that all of his helper chicks glared at me as if I were the devil.

Crap, I guess I'm getting coal for Christmas, I thought as I walked away. But part of me was happy because I would be able to write about how I offended Santa. All it took was indifference toward a woman who probably broke her leg. That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.







2. Horny Mother

If you're a guy, you might read the words "horny mother" and get excited, but you shouldn't be. This lady was disgusting. She had so much makeup on, she looked like a clown, and her teeth were moldy from smoking too many cigarettes.

I encountered Horny Mother at the Best Buy Mobile store. I was buying an iPad for my dad, which was an adventure in itself. There were all of these options - iPad wi-fi, iPad 3G, iPad 2 - and I was so confused. The bearded salesman had to explain it to me five times. Despite running a Web site for a living, I am absolutely clueless when it comes to technological stuff like this. I recently discovered what the hell 3G and 4G even mean. My phone, by the way, is 1X. It's true. Here's a link to what my phone looks like.

I sat down at the purchasing kiosk when Horny Mother and her daughter walked into the store. Unlike her mom, the daughter wasn't hideous. She was a blonde wearing a dress for some reason. Her attractiveness was irrelevant, however, because of her shrill voice, which was noticeable when she started whining, "Ma, they don't have these in white! I wanted one in white!"

The other salesman, a tall, lean black guy, instantly came to her rescue and informed her that they had some in the back. He retrieved a white version of what she wanted and began flirting with the daughter. He said some cheesy stuff like "this would look good with you," or whatever.

The salesman's game was working - only the daughter wasn't the one who was interested. Horny Mother was instantly jealous that her daughter was getting all of the attention. She started touching the salesman's arm, and when he said something nice about the daughter again, she laughed, exposing her black teeth, and said, "You know how the sayin' go, like dawta like motha!"

When has anyone in the history of this planet said this? I heard of "like mother, like daughter," but not the other way around. I guess that's a common idiom in her trailer park.

I left the store while Horny Mother and her daughter were in there, so I have no idea if she ever successfully banged the black salesman. At the very worst, she'd be able to get lucky with Santa on his next break.


3. Gay Nail Guy 3.0

In my 12 Jerks of Christmas entry, I recounted a dreadful experience with a second, more powerful version of Gay Nail Guy - a pushy, meterosexual, heterosexually challenged foreigner who tried to sell me polish that would make nails shiny. I dubiously predicted, "These guys are out of control, and each new edition of Gay Nail Guy gets worse. Gay Nail Guy 3.0 may just take over the world and turn every male into a metrosexual."

It turns out I'm more reliable than the Mayans.

I was heading toward Barnes & Noble when Gay Nail Guy 3.0 blocked my path. This meterosexual, heterosexually challenged foreigner, who was wearing a Jeff cap and a fancy plaid shirt, was selling different wares this time; apparently, he had abandoned the nail polish and instead was peddling flowery pillows and cushions.

Gay Nail Guy 3.0: Oh my god, you like have to try thith, it thented and it'll help your musthleth relaxth.

I didn't even have a chance to decline Gay Nail Guy 3.0's offer before he tied this purple, flowery pillow thing around my neck. It had this weird scent that was supposed to make me relax. Instead, it made me look like an idiot. All of the people walking by laughed at me. Gay Nail Guy 3.0 then popped a small, blue flowery pillow into a microwave and took it out after heating it for 10 seconds.

Gay Nail Guy 3.0: Put thith under your noth and thmell. Dothen't it thmell wonderful? It'll clear all your thinuthes.

It actually did. My sense of smell sucks, but once I took a whiff of this, my nostrils were instantly unclogged. I never thought I'd ask this next question...

Me: Wow, yeah, it's great. How much is it?

Gay Nail Guy 3.0: Oh Jeezzth Chrritthh ithh hold on let me theee! Look at thith chart! The whole package ith $114, and that includth thtuff for the neck, the back, the handth, the noth, there'th a whole list!

Sure enough, there were heated, scented pads for everything. My back hurt at the moment, so I agreed to purchase the back and nose pillows. Gay Nail Guy 3.0 got so excited that he accidentally knocked over a big stack of his pillows.

Gay Nail Guy 3.0: Oh Jeezzth Chrritthh ithh like an avalanche here oh my goodneth!!!

Suddenly, my phone rang. Because I have an archaic phone, I apparently have an old ring tone. This amused Gay Nail Guy 3.0.

Gay Nail Guy 3.0: Oh Jeezzth Chrritthh I uthh to have that thame ring tone that ith like tho ancient Jeezzttthh Criiitthhh!!

Me: Yeah, I have an old phone. I'm not good with technology.

Gay Nail Guy 3.0: Oh Jeezzth Chrritthh I'm like tho bad with technology too Jeeezztthh Chriitthh ohhh Jeezzthhh! Oh look what I jutthh did, I knocked over the pile again, oh Jeeezzth, I'm tho clumthy!

I observed as more and more people walked by and laughed at me for having a purple flowery pillow around my neck, which I forgot that I was still wearing. I quickly took it off and paid Gay Nail Guy 3.0 for the two pads I purchased.

I walked away in disgust. Neshaminy Mall finally engineered a Gay Nail Guy powerful and influential enough to take my money. If this was Gay Nail Guy 3.0, what would Gay Nail Guy 4.0 be like? Would he convince me to participate in an all-male orgy with him? God, I hope not. Why couldn't the Mayans just be right?





4. Barnes & Noble Fisticuffs

Believe it or not, I was not the biggest a**hole at the mall that day. There was a fight at Barnes & Noble, so I'd say the people involved deserve that distinction.

I was walking around Barnes & Noble aimlessly, searching for something to buy my mom when I suddenly heard a child wailing and people shouting. It was coming from the front of the store, so everyone in there ventured toward the area to see what was going on. There was a large crowd there, and I heard whispers of a fight or a punch being thrown.

A fight at Barnes & Noble? What were these people fighting about, who would get the last hardback copy of a Storm of Swords? Why would anyone fight in a Barnes & Noble? It's such a calm place to be.

I had to find out what went down for Jerks of the Week purposes. This unkempt woman in her 40s seemed to have a good view of it, so I asked her what happened.

Me: Did you see what happened? Some people were saying there was a fight.

Woman: Yeah, it was terrible. Absolutely terrible. They can't let him get away with this.

Me: What? What happened?

Woman: A man - a grown man - just punched a small child.

Sure enough, there was little boy of about eight sitting on the ground in tears. I looked around for the culprit, but couldn't locate him.

Me: Where'd the grown man go?

Woman: I saw him run to the back of the store. What a coward.

Me: Do you have any idea why he punched a little kid?

Woman: No idea, but I saw it as it was happening. He punched the kid right in the face and ran away. It was unbelievable. I hope they catch that son of a b***h.

Seriously, who punches a little kid? And why? Was he nabbing some coloring book that the grown man wanted to buy for his child (or himself)? There's no excuse for punching a little kid. That's like way worse than not helping an old woman who just fell down even though there were other people already helping her!

Other people seemed to realize what just transpired because this man with graying spiky hair and a goatee suddenly shouted, "I'm gonna f***ing get this creep and make him apologize!" He stormed toward the back of Barnes & Noble, and sure enough, he was dragging this bespectacled Asian guy in his 20s a few minutes later. Behind them was a short Asian mother who was crying and pleading.

Asian Mother: Let me boy go! Let him go!

Angry Man: HE'S GOING TO THE F***ING POLICE. HE'S A F***ING CREEP!

Asian Mother: Please! Please don't do this! It's not his fault!

Angry Man: HE'S A F***ING GROWN MAN AND HE PUNCHED A LITTLE KID! HE'S GOING TO F***ING APOLOGIZE AND THEN PAY THE PRICE!

Asian Mother: He's autistic! It's not his fault!

Angry Man: SHUT UP, I DON'T GIVE A F*** WHAT HE IS. HE'S GOING TO F***ING JAIL FOR PUNCHING A LITTLE KID!

Asian Mother: Do you know what autism means? Do you know what autism means!?!?!?

Angry Man: I DON'T GIVE A S*** IF HE DOES ARTS AND F***ING CRAFTS, THIS F***ING CREEP IS GOING TO APOLOGIZE AND THEN HE'S GOING TO F***ING JAIL.

Good God. I didn't know who was worse at the moment. Was it:

A. The autistic guy for punching an 8-year-old?
B. The mother for letting her autistic son wander around the store on his own?
C. The hothead for going ballistic and not knowing what autism meant?

I actually vote C. How does someone confuse the word "autistic" with the word "artistic?" What an idiot. Did he really think that his mother was using his proficiency in arts and crafts as an excuse for him hitting a little kid? If so, he must think Leonardo da Vinci and other famous artists were serial child abusers.

Everyone calmed down after that. I'm not sure if the autistic guy apologized to the little kid, but the mall cops arrived on the scene and took statements. The onlookers went back to searching for books. However, I was not finished finding jerks at Barnes & Noble.


5. Wrapping People

I don't know how to wrap gifts. Larry David did an episode about this on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but he actually tried to figure it out in that scenario. I usually don't. I generally give gifts to people in plastic bags.

What? That's bad? Why? I never understood the fascination with wrapping paper. It seems cumbersome and inefficient. A plastic bag is much simpler. All you have to do is put the gift in the plastic bag. With wrapping paper, you actually have to find it, somehow encase the gift within the wrapping paper and then glue or Scotch Tape it all together. As someone who doesn't know how to boil water, I find that to be an extremely difficult process.

Of course, if I can have my gifts wrapped for me, I don't have an issue with it. Fortunately, there was a gift-wrapping station at the front of Barnes & Noble. I approached the two elderly ladies sitting at the table cautiously because they refused to wrap anything that wasn't purchased at Barnes & Noble in my previous encounter with them. I bought some stuff at FYE, so I needed to know if they were going to screw me again.

Me: Hey, do you guys wrap everything?

Lady: Yes.

Me: Like, even if I didn't buy it at this store?

Lady: Yes.

Me: Oh, awesome! How much is it?

Lady: Free, but we'd love it if you donated to our charity.

According to all of the fliers hanging around, these women were from some organization that helped find homes for animals. They even had this cute kitten in a cage that was available for $120.

I normally would have tipped gift-wrappers $5 or $10, but I liked the cause, so I put $20 in the jar. I wanted them to see me doing this because I had hoped for some elderly people to like me after I refused to help that old woman. Unfortunately, they were too busy wrapping my stuff to notice. Whatever, right? It's all about doing something selfless during the holiday season so that you get positive karma and then good things happen to you. That's the true spirit of Christmas.

As the ladies were finishing up, I noticed that they had t-shirts on display.

Me: Hey, how much are the t-shirts?

Lady: Those would be $10, and all of the money goes toward saving pets.

Me: Oh great, can I have one then?

Lady: Yes, that'll be $10.

Me: Oh, OK, but I already put $20 in the jar.

Lady: I didn't see you put $20 in there.

Me: No, that $20 bill right there at the top. That's mine.

Lady: Oh, well thank you, but that will still be $10.

Me: What!?

Lady: That $20 was a charitable donation, so that can't possibly count toward the t-shirt.

Me: Why not? It's all going toward the same thing, right?

Lady: Yes, but you made that donation before you wanted to purchase a t-shirt, so it'll be $10 for the shirt.

I couldn't believe this. The old ladies at a save-the-pet non-profit were swindling me. Why not just let me have a t-shirt? I gave them more money than what their t-shirt was worth.

I told them to forget it. Fortunately, they had already finished wrapping my gifts, so they couldn't stop doing that on the count of my apparent rudeness. I took my presents and stormed out of Barnes & Noble.

I considered getting revenge on the ladies by going back and stealing the kitten, but there were mall cops everywhere because the autistic dude punched the little kid. Ugh, if he had just stuck to his arts and crafts, I could have obtained my sweet revenge.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




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2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


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