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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Aug. 6, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of the Vacation

I mentioned last week in Jerks of the Flight that I boarded a plane for the first time in 15 years. When I landed, I was in a different time zone for the first time since I was 8.

In addition to meeting Awesome Girl Who Loves Football for the first time and spending four hours on a plane, I was most worried about adjusting to the new time zone. These were my concerns:

1. I was in the Pacific time zone, so I had to subtract three hours. What if I made a mistake and added three hours each time? I'm sure all of the local eateries closed at 9, which would be midnight Eastern. What if I went the other way and thought I could eat food just before 3 a.m.? I would then go to the local eatery and it would be closed. I constantly need to devour food, so I would probably die of hunger before it reopened in the morning.

2. I'm sure you've heard the belief that people have an internal clock in them. Well, what if these clocks happen to be attached to bombs - as commonly seen in movies - and these bombs are set to go off if you enter a certain time zone? My friend, who's a doctor, told me that this is possible.

3. What about daylight savings time? I know this horrible event usually occurs in November and March, but what if there was suddenly a surprise daylight savings time in July? It's happened before and it could happen again. If I were caught in a daylight-savings phenomenon out west, would I lose three hours instead of one because I'm three hours behind? Or would it be four hours because three plus one equals four, according to my nifty Windows calculator?

You can see why I was so concerned about venturing into the Pacific time zone. I e-mailed the mayor of the small town in which I was staying, asking if I could be exempt from the 3-hour difference for the five days that I'd be there, but he didn't respond. What a selfish a**hole.

Anyway, my plane had a screen where it showed where our flight was over the country. When I stopped working on my laptop, I glanced at that screen and saw that we were currently flying over Nebraska. So weird. I went to Arizona when I was 8, but outside of that, I had never been west of Penn State.

What the hell is in Nebraska anyway? Cornfields? I had actually never seen a corn field in person, so I wanted to look out the window. Unfortunately, the 50-year-old woman sitting to my left was asleep and closed her window. No cornfields for me, apparently. At this rate, I don't think I'll ever see a cornfield in my life.

I wouldn't encounter any cornfields on vacation, but I did see many jerks, as you may have guessed by the title of this entry. Yes, the Pacific time zone was the first jerk. Here are the others:


2. Duck Face Man:

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football told me that she encounters tons of weirdos every day, much like I do. We figured that together, we'd spot double the amount. That definitely seemed to be the case.

We were driving around my final day on vacation. We were stopped at a red light when I glanced to my right. I noticed an Asian man, who was wearing sunglasses and sporting an 80s-style Jheri curl, just leaning against a tree near the sidewalk. He looked so out of place; he wasn't standing near a bus stop or anything, so I was curious why he would be leaning against a random tree on a sunny day. Making it even weirder, he was making a duck kissy face at all the cars that were driving by.

I told Awesome Girl Who Loves Football to look at him. She laughed instantly. Duck Face Man saw that we were both making fun of him, but his expression didn't change. In fact, he held up his fingers to make a sideway peace sign, looking somewhat like this:



I have no idea who that girl is - I found that picture by Googling "duck kissy face" - but that's the same expression that Duck Face Man was making. I don't know why the hell he was standing under the tree on the side of the road making duck kissy faces at people, but hey, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I should note that I wasn't trying to be racist with this entry. I know that it's a common stereotype that all Asian people eat their pet ducks, but this guy was honestly making a face that looked like a duck. If calling him Duck Face Man offended some people, I am truly sorry. I know that all Asian people don't eat pet ducks - what a horrible stereotype - much like all Eastern European people don't eat watermelon. I have watermelon on occasion, but I don't love it or anything. I thought I just had to clear that up.







3. Powdered Jam Man:

No, not Powdered Toast Man's evil, twin brother. Powdered Jam Man is an elderly jerk I saw at a supermarket.

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football warned me about her town. "There are lots of artsy-fartsy new-age hippies here," she said. "There are tons of bikers, and everyone here eats organic food."

She wasn't kidding. We encountered more bikers while driving around one day than I've seen in my entire lifetime in Philadelphia. Also, there were dozens of aisles in the supermarket full of organic food. I'm not exaggerating. Of the 40 aisles or so, at least 24 were dedicated to organic food.

I have to say that I don't understand the obsession with organic food. People think it's healthy, but it's not. I've had a doctor (a different one) tell me recently that people shouldn't eat organic food because the word "organic" is the adjectival form of "organ," so when you're eating organic food, you're consuming hearts and lungs and ears and stuff from people who have died recently. Maybe I'm wrong, but that doesn't sound too sanitary.

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football and I stopped by the supermarket just to escape the heat. It was 100 degrees outside and the air conditioning in her car didn't work, so we just sat in the Starbucks section of the supermarket to cool off. We were talking when a man in his 70s approached us with some sort of can in his hand.

Powdered Jam Man: Exshcushe me shonny, what ish thish can in my handsh?

Me: Umm... what?

Powdered Jam Man: What doesh thish can shay?

Me: Uhh... you can't read it?

Powdered Jam Man: I tried to readsh it but I don't know what it ish.

Why would this guy want to buy a mysterious can of food if he didn't know what it was? Was he browsing the aisles when he saw an interesting can of food and thought, "I'm really hungrysh. Thish cansh of foodsh looksh delicshioush but I don't know what it ish sho let me ashk that young man over theresh?"

Well, what was I going to do, deny him the request? I took the can into my hands.

Me: OK, let's see here...

Powdered Jam Man: Thank you shonny, I've been tryinsh to read it for 10 minutesh but I can't read what it ish.

Ten minutes, eh? You must have a lot of time on your hands.

Me: Umm... I don't know, it doesn't really describe what it is.

Powdered Jam Man: Thish ish sho difficultsh.

Me: Oh, here. It says it's powdered jam.

Powdered Jam Man: Powdered jamsh jusht what I'm looking for. Thank you, shonny.

Powdered Jam Man gleefully walked away with the powdered jam container in his hands. Meanwhile, I was pretty befuddled. Why was this guy looking for powdered jam? Wouldn't he have known he was holding powdered jam if he found the can in the powdered jam aisle?

Oh, and what the hell is powdered jam anyway? Sounds like one of those stupid organic foods. For all we know, there could be hearts and lungs and ears in that powdered jam.


4. Blackjack Pizza:

My sister had some advice for me just as I left for the airport.

My Sister: Whatever you do, don't order pizza out there.

Me: How dare you say such things? I love pizza!

My Sister: No, seriously. I have friends who live out there who say the pizza sucks. The altitude makes the dough crappy.

Me: You've ruined my whole vacation! I'm never speaking to you again!

Seriously, the last thing you should tell anyone about to leave for their only vacation of the year is that the pizza is going to suck. I would later have nightmares about this.

Unfortunately, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football had to leave for a few hours my second day on vacation, and having no car, I had to order food. My hotel room had two menu options: one for a Chinese place and one for Blackjack Pizza. I wasn't in the mood for boiled duck or fried duck or cooked duck or baked duck, so I opted for the latter, hoping they'd have other options like a chicken parm sandwich, or something.

I perused the menu and found no such chicken parm sandwich. Or any other type of sandwich. All Blackjack Pizza had was pizza and cheese sticks. The cheese sticks would have the same aforementioned dough issue, so I settled for the Pepperoni Paradise pizza - extra cheese and extra pepperoni. I hoped the extra toppings would nullify the apparent awful taste of the dough.

I called Blackjack's number. The guy on the phone never heard of my hotel. When I told him the address, he told me to call another Blackjack location. The number he gave me was on another page of the menu - and this place actually happened to be on the same street as my hotel, which was pretty convenient. So, I dialed that number...

Blackjack Employee: Hi, this is Blackjack Pizza. Pickup or delivery?

Me: Delivery and I want the Pepperoni Paradise pizza NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Blackjack Employee: Sorry sir, can you give me your address first?

*** I gave him the name of the hotel, which as mentioned, happens to have the street name in its name. ***

Blackjack Employee: Umm... where is this?

Me: Pepperoni Paradise NOM NOM N... wait, it's on your street.

Blackjack Employee: Oh. Which way?

Me: Which way? I don't know. I'm not around from here. I'm staying in a hotel.

Blackjack Employee: Sir, we can't find it if we don't have the location.

Couldn't he just Google the hotel name and get the address that way? Seriously, what an idiot. I had to tell him to hold on so I could Google the address myself. I then gave it to him and proceeded to order the Pepperoni Paradise pizza and a 2-liter bottle of Sierra Mist.

The pizza came promptly - about 15 minutes - and it was surprisingly delicious. Seriously, it tasted great. I have no idea why my sister's friends lied to her about the dough in high altitude; I didn't sense anything funky with it.

And then it dawned on me - my sister's friends are devious a**holes. The reason they told her never to eat the pizza out there is because they wanted to hoard all of the Pepperoni Paradise for themselves. Clever. Very clever. But I've foiled your plan! Muhahahahaha!!!





5. Altitude Appetite:

I can normally eat tons of food. When I was younger, I'd scarf down a cheesesteak, a large pizza and cheese fries in one meal. I'm not as talented as I used to be, but I can polish off two-thirds of that now.

So, with that in mind, you might be shocked that I could only consume three slices of Blackjack pizza - and that's all I had to eat the entire day. What the hell, right? Was it something they put in the food? Did the guy on the phone poison my pizza because he didn't like my tone when I chided him for not knowing where the hotel was? That's what I assumed - until two days later when I knew something was up.

I went to Red Robin with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football's Brother and her friends. We have Red Robins in Philly, and I usually order a bacon cheeseburger, extra fries and a salad. I've never had any sort of problem devouring all of those items (by the way, I just wiped saliva dripping out of my mouth). But on vacation? I had four fries (individual fries; not orders) and no salad, and I couldn't even finish my bacon cheeseburger.

I ate nothing that night. I was finally hungry the following day. Awesome Girl Who Loves Football and I went to Noodles and Co. They don't have anything like that in Philly, but it's a place where you can order all sorts of pasta. In other words, they stole my Spaghettiworks idea, so I will be suing them.

I asked Awesome Girl Who Loves Football what I should order. She recommended the Wisconsin Macaroni and Cheese with parmesan chicken. When I learned I could combine those two things, I nearly cried on the spot.

Five minutes later, I had my Wisconsin Macaroni and Cheese with parmesan chicken. I tried it, and it seriously was the best thing I've ever tasted. My God. It's been three weeks since I've eaten that, and I still have wet dreams about it. My body's even shaking just thinking about it.

Several bites in, I thought I would purchase seconds. But that never happened - because as with Blackjack Pizza and Red Robin, I couldn't finish my meal. Halfway through, my stomach just got really full suddenly. I tried to force some more food down, but it felt like I was going to puke.

I'd say it's just me, but Awesome Girl Who Loves Football has the same problem. She eats a little bit and she's full instantly. I think it's the damn altitude - it prevented me from devouring delicious food. And here I thought the different time zone would be my greatest nemesis.


6. Artsy-Fartsy New-Age Biker Hippies:

If you've been reading this for a while, you know that I constantly run into fat people. Fat women try to eat me at the pool. In fact, I recently dedicated an entire entry to four particular fat ladies.

I'm not kidding when I say this, but there were no fat people where I was staying. I saw three the whole week, all of whom were spotted at Noodles and Co. I wanted to shake their hand for eluding the jerk known as Altitude Appetite, but they may have tried to bite off my hand.

*** Side note: To be more precise, I wanted to shake the hands of two of the fat people. The third was a eunuch, and eunuchs freak me out, given how sly and sneaky they are (just look at Varys for proof). Awesome Girl Who Loves Football and I agreed that this person was a eunuch because it appeared to be a man with woman-like boobs wearing a pink shirt. ***

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football told me how everyone was so fit and outdoorsy in her town, but I didn't realize how serious she was until she mentioned it for herself. It seems like everyone can be so fit because they don't need to eat that much. In fact, I came home and found myself to be five pounds lighter than I was when I left on vacation.

The upside to this is that there aren't any hungry fat ladies stomping around town. The downside is all of the annoying bikers. We saw at least two on every block as we drove around. And the worst part of it is, if we would have run them over, we would have gotten in trouble. I don't get the law sometimes.

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football and I hatched a plan prior to my trip. There are so many fat women in Philly and there happen to be tons of artsy-fartsy new-age hippie bikers in her town, so we figured out a way to eliminate both of them. It seemed like a simple process, really:

1. Announce on this Web site that they are giving free cheeseburgers away in Awesome Girl Who Loves Football's hometown.

2. The fat women, who read this Web site because they like to stalk me, will flock to her hometown.

3. The fat women will eat all of the bikers.

4. The fat women will then die off because they'll be poisoned. The bikers eat organic food, and everyone knows the fat women are allergic to organic food.

So, both of them are gone. Sounds easy, right? Well, I thought so - until I discovered how difficult it was to eat food in high altitude. Sure, these fat women have an impressive appetite, but even they would be limited to swallowing only one biker per day - which is not nearly enough. Alas, the fat women would flee and roll back to Philadelphia, where they will undoubtedly attempt to devour me in the pool again.

In other words, they are not handing out free cheeseburgers somewhere in the Pacific time zone. Sorry, fat ladies.




More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct, 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 26


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 22


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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