Just to let you know how much I've been wrapped up in the 2010 NFL Draft - don't worry, I'll have Jerks from the 2010 NFL Draft next week - I completely missed the famous Pukemon story; I found out from some of my friends at my gym. If you haven't heard of Pukemon, here's a quick recap:
Matthew Clemmens, a 21-year-old guy, attended a Phillies game with his buddy. They shouted obscenities and were just being really drunk and obnoxious. In front of Clemmens and his friend sat an undercover cop and his two daughters (15 and 11 years old). The 15-year-old girl turned around and told them to quit using vulgar language. Clemmens' friend allegedly spit on the girls and was escorted out of the stadium.
This apparently enraged Clemmens. Per eye-witness reports, a drunken Clemmens announced that he would throw up on the girls. He allegedly stuck his fingers down his throat, puked all over the 11-year-old girl, and then started throwing punches, thus earning the name Pukemon.
This embarrassed the city and the team. The Phillies apologized to the police officer and his two daughters. Even Philadelphia's mayor stopped embezzling tax money through government employee friends for a moment to ask for forgiveness. Pukemon is facing charges of simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment and disorderly conduct.
The funny thing here is that Pukemon's uncle has defended his nephew. He called Pukemon "a good kid," and said that he got sick and was trying to prevent the vomit from spraying all over everyone.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Pukemon's uncle wasn't at the game at all, so he knows firsthand that Pukemon got sick. And the punches Pukemon threw? Clearly he was thinking, "Oh gosh, I puked all over this little girl, but perhaps my fists of fury can help clean the vomit off of her!"
Unfortunately, Pukemon's super powers are limited to just throwing up on little kids and being a complete a**hole.
I've been watching more NBA games lately to get ready for the playoffs. And I've made a wonderful discovery - there are tons of grammatically and logically inept NBA analysts out there just waiting to be made fun of. It's a freaking goldmine.
It shouldn't surprise you that one of these dopey analysts is on ESPN. His name is Jamal Mashburn, and he previously made a living in the NBA siphoning money out of moronic owners who continuously overpaid him. But the league is laden with guys who do that, so there was nothing special about Mashburn - until I heard him talking about the Cleveland Cavaliers one night.
ESPN's anchor - can't remember who it was - asked Mashburn a simple question: "Why do the Cavaliers need to bring back Shaquille O'Neal now as opposed to during their playoff run?"
An easy question. A sensible answer would have been, "This is the first year Shaq has been on the Cavaliers. He and the rest of the team are still getting to know each other, so it's important that they gel before the games really matter. Shaq also needs to get back into playing shape, and inserting him into the lineup during the playoffs could be disastrous."
That makes sense, I think. Here is what a wide-eyed and disoriented Mashburn said while looking into the camera:
"Well you know, Shaq is not some appetizer, he is a big ole Porterhouse steak!"
A completely irrelevant and nonsensical reply. The other analysts in the studio had to fake laugh at Mashburn because he looked around expecting a response. Perhaps they laughed at him; not with him.
After that 5-second uncomfortable pause, Mashburn continued, "Shaq can rebound the ball and score inside the paint."
That's it. Nothing else from Mashburn. There's your reason why Shaq had to come back before the postseason instead of during the playoffs - because he's a Porterhouse steak who can rebound and score in the paint.
It says a lot about ESPN that I can give a better answer than Mashburn. I barely watch the NBA; I just follow the scores. Why can I answer a simple question that Mashburn can't? It's almost as if he's transformed his NBA career into his broadcasting career - instead of siphoning money from dumb owners, he's siphoning money from dumb sports networks.
The sad thing is that Mashburn isn't even the worst guy on TV. I discovered this obscure analyst on NBA TV. I didn't even recognize him, and they never showed his name. After hearing him talk, I understood why.
The Cavaliers were playing someone some other night. I can't remember whom (I think it was the Clippers). But it was a tight ball game in the final seconds of the fourth quarter. The Cavs called a timeout, and NBA TV returned to the studios during the break. The announcer asked Unknown Idiot Analyst, "What's the game plan here? What will the Cavaliers do?"
Unknown Idiot Analyst suddenly moved his head and looked like he came out of a coma. After a 5-second pause, he raised his arms up in the air and slowly said, "I duunnnooooo!"
Wow! You're paid by the NBA to provide analysis for us, and you don't know what the Cavaliers are going to do? You have no ideas? You couldn't come up with anything while you were in your coma?
NBA TV went back to the game, but the Cavaliers didn't inbound the ball because the other team called a timeout. So, they returned to the studios, where the anchor once again asked what the Cavaliers were going to do. It was like the first time was a dress rehearsal.
Unknown Idiot Analyst thought about it for a couple of seconds, and proudly came up with an ingenious response, "LeBron Jame, LeBron Jame, LeBron Jame."
Thank you for that, Unknown Idiot Analyst. It took you two tries and you forgot the last letter of his name, but you finally realized the Cavaliers had to go to LeBron James in the clutch. Now that's quick thinking.
Where does ESPN and NBA TV find these people (what do I mean, "these people?") Do these networks actually conduct job interviews? If so, then what's the thought process? "Sure, these guys struggle with the English language and can't provide our viewers with any sort of coherent analysis, but they're former (and sometimes recognizable) players, so they obviously know what they're talking about!"
It's a joke, but I'm fine with it. It's great writing material.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: The Gym Milf's Two Kids
I've mentioned this before, but we don't get a lot of hot women at my gym. Actually, we don't get any - it's all old dudes who walk around the locker room naked with their balls flailing everywhere. The only reason I go to this gym is because it has a pool (plus my friends go there and it's cheap).
I was astonished when I saw this woman at the pool last Wednesday. She was this super-hot brunette. She was tan and looked Russian. She was somewhere between the ages of 26 and 32.
She was sitting by the pool, and I was wondering what she was doing there - until I noticed that she was watching two fat kids in the pool, whom I presumed to be her kids.
I got changed and went to a lane that was conveniently near her. I tried doing stuff to catch her attention, but nothing worked; she spent the entire time yelling at her kids.
At first, I didn't really pay attention to what her kids were doing. I was stretching and peering over at the milf instead. But she was screaming at the top her lungs every five seconds, so it finally caught my attention.
The older fat kid had a toy bucket in his possession. He would scoop the pool water in the bucket and fling it somewhere. Occasionally, the stream of water would hit an old person in the pool. Sometimes the water was hurled toward the deck. And on a couple of instances, he showered himself with this water.
Every time he would do this, the milf would shriek, "Stop throwing the water everywhere! I swear if you do it one more time, we're leaving! I'm going to tell your father! Hey you, the guy who's peering over at me, let's go have sex right now!"
Sorry, my imagination ran wild and I made that last part up.
Anyway, I found this whole thing hilarious because while the milf spent her energy yelling at her older son, the younger one was the one she should have been focused on.
The younger fat kid also had a toy in his hands - but instead of a bucket, it was a plastic watering can. The young fat kid would also scoop water into this thing, but instead of spraying it on an old person, he actually was drinking the water out of the watering can.
I nearly pulled a Pukemon. This little fat kid continuously poured the pool water into his mouth - and our pool has no ordinary pool water. In addition to the regular chlorine, we have tons of Band-Aids and old man urine floating around. All of this was going into this kid's mouth.
About three minutes after I noticed this, the milf finally saw what her younger kid was doing. She quickly stood up and yelled, "Out! Both of you out now!" I don't know if she was pissed off at her kids, or hurrying to go to the hospital to get the boy's stomach pumped. Hopefully the latter because I don't know how he could have survived with chlorine, Band-Aids and old man urine floating around in his body. Then again, he is a fat kid, so he probably eats random things all of the time.
These kids are jerks because they made the only hot woman in the entire gym leave, and based on how they were behaving, I doubt she'll ever be back. Chlorine, Band-Aids and old man urine be damned.