@Dinner Arizona is basically the sweetheart of sports writers and the refs and they don't want to admit it. It's obvious to everyone watching football that they're not better than Carolina, let alone Minnesota or probably even Green Bay. But the media keeps up with this "best team in the NFC" silliness and the refs keep handing them calls they apparently think everyone is too blind to see. Fortunately Carson Palmer will predictably implode when playoff time comes around and either Honey Badger or Patrick Peterson will find a way to get injured again.
Last update: Sometime in the Early 2010 Years Next update: Only One Updates from I this Week and Year Unless I Change My Minds.
As I wrote in the opening paragraph of my Emmitt Anthology Volume III, 2009 was a rough year. Unemployment increased. Tons of houses continued to foreclose. The Jersey Shore was born. Squaresoft ruined its Final Fantasy franchise. Tons of celebrities died. And worst of all, we had to go through an entire NFL season without hearing Emmitt debacle the English language on ESPN.
It's been more than a year now since Emmitt was fired, and things continue to get worse. Hopefully ESPN comes to its senses and re-hires him soon. Maybe they'll even fix their former best show NFL Primetime while they're at it.
At any rate, this is what a 2010 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take any of this seriously. But please do read it - Emmitt put blood, sweat and cry into it.
"A mark draft very difficultness to create. Please read all my doggone pick!"
St. Louis Rams: Sam Brandford, QB, Oklahoma State
In the first game of the season last season, Sam Bradford step back in the pocket and boom, his shoulder got explosioned. It was not a pretty sight, and I cringe in my sleep every day, even till this day.
Now, the big $64 question is, will Br... Bran... Bread acquire his shoulder back before he come to the National Football League Conference. This remind me of a book I used to watch call the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobes. In the book, the lion have no heart and went to see the Wizards of Asland to get the heart. The scarecrow do not have a soul, and he also went to the Wizard. The wardrobe have no courage and he joined them on their path. And there was one more guy who do not have a strong, and want a strong for his birthday. His name slip my minds at the current moment.
Now, Bradford do not have a shoulder. Too bad there is no Wizard in real life, unless you count the Mr. Wizard guy who on the television set, but I do not think he have super power, but maybe I am uncorrect.
Detroit Lions: Ndama Donkey Kong Suh, DT, Nebraska
This guy remind me of a video game I played when I have few years in my life. The game was called Ndamukong Kong. The game story was about a racist man who try to climb up a ladder to rescue the princess. Unfortunately, the princess force to choose to marry between the racist man and the Ndamukong Kong. In the end, the princess choose her bride, and I have to believe she take the King Kong guy instead of the racism man. I honestly do not know who the princess take her hand in marriage on - I never got passed Level 1. The doggone barrel always debacle the racist man and me so at least there have been justice.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Williams, WR, Syracuse
This is a very strange pick. Do you know why it is a strange pick. I will tell you why it is a strange pick. It is a strange pick because it have strangeness inside the pick and it's strange. Not just strange, it have very strange. It is so strange, you do not even understand how strange this pick have become!
This pick is strange because Mike Williams have it. Mike Williams is negligible for the 2010 NFL Mock Draft even though he was drafted a couple weeks earlier in the 2004 NFL Mock Draft. I went to Roger Goldman and pointed these out, and he laugh at me. I ask, "Why Roger, did you deny me entry in recent NFL Mock Drafts, but you allow Mike Williams in two time out of the past six month." Roger Goodman laugh even harder, so I storm out of the room and have malice in my step. Very malice.
Washington Redskins: Russell Donkey Kong, OT, Oklahoma State
It is very inusual that two brothers go in the top five of the same draft classes. The last time this happen, Peyton Manning and Albert Manning go at the same time, only a couple of years apart. Ndama Donkey Kong and Russell Donkey Kong will be able to create history right in front of our very, very eyes.
The Donkey Kong family have many celebration to come on Draft Day, so I will not rain on their birthday cake. Instead, I would like to focus on a recent trade that happen that have everybody up in a bungalow.
The Eagles trade Donovan McNabb to the Washington Redskin for... uhh... some pick that come sometime in the 2009 mock draft. The Eagles will come to regret this choice down the road sometime. Maybe not today and maybe not the day after today, or the day after the... uhh... today that come after today or yesterday, but sometime in the near or past future, head coach Andy Reid will have seller's remorsefulness.
Kansas City Chiefs: Golden State, WR, Notre Dame
Golden State is a receiver from college who rhyme with Golden State, a state in America that have golden inside and also have a basketball team called the Warriors too. Now, I look on the map to find Golden State and I could not found it! I spend all week looking for it! I did not major in geographer in the University of Florida, but I do know this - if a state cannot be found on a map or a ball that have a map on it but is round instead, then the state have a chance to not be in nonexistence anymore. And when that happen, no one really knows what can happen to that state!
Seattle Seahawks: Dez Brandon, WR, Oklahoma State
As the wise man one say, do not judge a cover by its book. This pronoun apply twice to this pick. One to Dez Brandon and one to the quarterback who become traded to the state of Seattle, Charlie Whitehead.
Charlie Whitehead look like Jesus. Does this mean he really is Jesus? I do not believe so. Let's do a quick fact check. One, Charlie Whitehead have different letter in his name than Jesus Christ. Two, Jesus was born a couple of years ago, and Whitehead very young. And... uhh... the number after the last one I have said, Whitehead play football and someone tolded me that Jesus never even heard of the city of football or sport of football, to be more precise.
Moving on to Dez Brandon, the NCAA throw Dez Brandon in jail for talking to Deion Sanders one time. During jail time, Dez Brandon learn to smuggle cigarette up his behind. Do this make him a bad person? Are pig made out of bacon and hamburgers? I do not know the answer to these question, I am asking you!
Cleveland Browns: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee
A couple of week ago, a former college of mine Todd Malone say that Eric Berry is an Eric Berry type of players. This is confuse - very confuse. If Eric Berry is Eric Berry, then how in the wide world do Eric Berry become an Eric Berry type of player if Eric Berry already have Eric Berry inside Eric Berry? Todd Malone have debacled my brains and my mind.
Before I move on to the next pick which belong to another team, I would like to vote for Todd Malone. Todd Malone receive a lot of criticisms on the Web line from people like Walter.com Footballs and Mike Florida from Talking Pro Football Web side. Todd Malone is not a bad guy! When I work for ESP, he offer me lots of free visit to the tanning saloon. I tell Todd, "Mister Malone, I really appreciate this coupon, but a black man like myselves do not need to get a tan." And Todd Malone disagrees and say that everybody need a tanning.
Now, thanks to Todd Malone, I sit out in the suntime all day every day. Todd Malone say a tanning is very, very importance, and he is a very wise individuality.
Oakland Raiders: Bruce Campbells, OT, Maryland
A couple of weeks ago, I journey to the California line to the state of Oakland to meet with the Raiders owner, Al Davids.
Al Davids hospitality. Very hospitality. He gave me a big room in the underground, which beneath the ground if you do not discover that word in your vocabulation yet. For dinner, Al Davids give me raw steak and goat blood to eat. I telled him I was not hungry because the food disgusting me, but he ate everyone in one swallow!
Later, a big man with one eyeball came to Al Davids and say that the virgin was prepare to be sacrifice. I do not know what the word sacrifice mean, but when a virgin is involve, any thing that happen in Oakland, stay in Vegas.
Before I depart on my journey back across the Oakland line, Al Davids tolded me who he was going to pick in the mark draft. He said Bruce Campbells is a "great player." When I ask why, he showed me lots of number. I am not good with number, so I do not understand this worksheet, but Al Davids reassurded me that Bruce Campbell can run faster than any offensive lineman in the history of the National Conference of Footballs. And that, my friend, is a history that have longness and bigness!
Buffalo Bills: Jimmy Claus, QB, Notre Dame
When you translate Jimmy Claus name in English, it mean, "Man who have good quarterback inside." I even look that up by myselves in America On The Line, but I cannot found the Web site I locate that pronoun the first time again. The lesson to be learn here is, when you found a good Web site that you want to revisit sometime again, then make sure you click on the Bookmark section on the top of your computer. If you save it as a markbook, then sometime in the future - maybe a week, or maybe even a year - you can come back to the Web line and finish reading what you have begin reading in the first place. I found this new feature very, very helpfulness.
In case you were wondering, Jimmy Claus have no relation to Santa Claus. I do not understand these because they have the last names, and I even thought Jimmy Claus father have a chance to be Santa Claus, but I even check on the encyclowikipedia. No relation at all, none what so never.
Jaguars Jaguars: Tim Tivo, QB, Florida
Everybody think I like Tim Tivo because we have the same alma matters. But this is a misconcepting. Tim Tivo is my sworned enemy. He break my touchdown record in the SEC, which stand for Southeast Eastern Conference.
But time healed all injury. I used to hate Tim Tivo before, but now I dislike Tim Tivo. Dislike and hate very similar word and have different letter, but hate much stronger than dislike. One can even say hate so strong that hate beat up dislike and take dislike lunch money every day.
This is very cunning draft pick for the Jaguars. When I watched this team from the city of Jaguars, I notice that all the stadium have empty seats. Either no one showed up to the game, or everybody paint themself with invincible paint, the color that make it so no one can see you. If people do not paint themself, then the city of Jaguars have a problem. The owner need to draft Tim Tivo to put the butt back in the seat without invincible paint. As the line in the movie say, "If you build it, they will come by without invincible paint."
Denver Broncos: Coke McElroy, QB, Oklahoma State
Coke McElroy name after Pepsi Coke. Kyle Horton also name after a movie called Horton Hear Somebody, but he is not very good quarterback. He throw like a girl - and girl throw very bad! Coke McElroy also have weak arm, but he at least throw like a teenage girl. Kyle Horton throw like a girl who have not hit puberty yet.
I have two pair of joke for this pick. Very interestin' joke! One: What do you call a Coke McElroy who start to lose weight and go on a diet? Diet... uhh... Diet Coke McElroy. Number two: What do you call Eric Berry who have a straw? Eric Raspberry. Wait, I mean Eric Strawberry. Eric Strawberry and Diet Coke McElroy.
Miami Dolphins: Jean Pierre-Paul, DE/OLB, South Florida
I normally do not like putting defensive player in my mark draft. As my friend Michael Irving always say, "Defense do not wins championships. Point wins championships."
But Bill Parcell have different view from you, I and other guy. Parcell, nickname the Big Fish, really like taking linebackers in the first round of mark drafts. He love taking linebackers. In fact, you can say that he love it so much that he want to have sexual relation with taking linebackers in the first round.
Jean Pierre-Paul have French decent. Some may seem this as a problem because French people have never heard of football before. In their country they only play the game where you kick the checker ball on grass. Jean Pierre-Paul will quickly realize that football require much more than kicking checker balls! Football require much more stratagems that it will debacle his brains and his minds.
San Francisco 49ers: Selfish Crappers, OT, West Virginia Tech
Selfish Crappers is a very interestin' prospect. He so interestin', I wonder why his parents would name his first name after a guy who only want thing for himselves, and I wonder why his parents would name his last name after the brown thing that come from the behind. I do not understand the logicals about this one.
The 94ers need a guy who can block good. I never even heard of Selfish Crappers today, and when I ask Mel Kipers about it, he laugh at me. So maybe Selfish Crappers is real or maybe he make belief. If he make belief, maybe the 94ers can try to belief that he have good blocking skill.
Seattle Seahawks: None
I do not believe what going on here! The Seahawk have been cheatin' all this time right before our very very nose. How no one seened or realize this before really astonish me.
Scroll up on this Web line page li-bit. Look at the No. 6 draft picks. Do that seemed familiar to you? If you do not understand the word comin' out of my mouths, the Seahawk have two pick in the first round! That is illegal!
You simply cannot have two draft pick in the first round of the mark draft. It is impossibles. Seattle stoled the pick from someone and they has to give it back immediately. I call Roger Goldman about this, and he hunged up the phone on me! How ilresponsible that the commissioner of the national conference of football do not even understand how much Seattle have cheated in the mark draft!
New York Giants: C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson
Wowed, I do not know what I doned, but suddenly the name of C.J. Spiller have become blue. I mention Jesus before. He obviously had something to do with these!
The Giant usually have good pick in the mark draft. I have been a keened observation in the recent time, and I have been very impressed by Jerry Reese, who name after the Reese Peanut Butter Cups cookie.
Jerry Reese strike while the iron have not coldness! J.C. Spiller have three good trait about him: He have will in his run power, he have courage when he have a football in his hand, and he have very speed and electrocution. If you have runner who have good electrocution, he have a chance to give you sparks to win a Super Bowl game! And that my friend, is what the wise man call "play on word."
Tennessee Titans: Person Harvey, WR, Florida
I find it real strangefulness that Person Harvey, the good wide receiver from my alma matter, do not found on anyone draft prospect ranking. I check every Web line site and I cannot find his name in one single space. Everybody who make a mark draft obviously do not have intelligent!
It is very, very interestin' to me that Person Harvey name is name after a person. Perhaps this is the reason he is being ignorant by everybody who call themself draft expert.