Last update: Sometime in the weekend of 2015. Next update: Only crazy person update his mark draft second time. Or maybe time after second time.
I have to say that I'm extremely disappointed. I just checked Emmitt Smith's Twitter feed for some posts like this beauty from two years ago: "Here come's Mr. Woods. He's on his game today.This." Unfortunately, I found no posts with grammatical errors in the past three months.
Emmitt has done a great job of cleaning up his grammatical issues since his TV days, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend that he's still debacling the English language. I've vowed that until someone hires him, I'll continue to pump out these Emmitt Mocks, so they will continue, despite his impressive (and disappointing) improvement in terms of using words correctly.
This is what a 2015 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put his blood, sweat and cry into it.
"This mark draft is five year in the making. I mean, five week. Wait, which are longer, year or week?"
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: James Winston, QB, Florida State
I actually do some research this time for my 2015 NFL mark draft and I have to say that I am surprise. Very surprise. When I hear that James Winston a luck to go No. 1 overall at the top. How can he be a luck when he have so many baggage. And by baggage, I do not mean the suitcase you bring with yourselves to the seaport when you go on the vacation.
When I say baggage, I mean bad thing. Bad thing off the field. For examples, I read the other day that James Winston stolened crab leg. This very bad. Can you imagine if you the crab, and this hot-shot quarterback come to your house and steal your leg? This so rude, it is the definitioned of rudeness in the dictory if you open the dictonary and turn to the page that have the word in it. So James, how the crab suppose to walk if he do not have his leg anymore?
Maybe the Buccaneer know what he doing when he planning on taking James Winston, but I am going to make a predict. I would not touch James Winston with a five-inch pole because of his off-field issue.
Tennessee Titans: Dante Fowlball, DE/OLB, University of Gator
There are some discuss that the Titan can take a quarterback with this pick. This obviously a smoke screen - a screen that have smoke. And where there is smoke, there firemen.
First of all, the Titan already has two quarterback. Zach Cheeseburger play very good football on one game I sawed him play against the Steeler on Monday night football. I cannot remember what day I saw this happen for the lives of me, but it happen in the recent. And my third point is that Vince Young coming back from vacation. I read on the newspaper that Young say he was on vacation and he gonna play football once again for the Titan.
Instead of another quarterback, how about the Titan gonna take my friend from the University of Gator, Dante Fowlball. Dante Fowball a great player who do great thing on and on the football field. He also great in the community. He tolded me he watch the show Community so that how I know he great in the community because while I do not know the premise of the show Community, I has to imagine it about how to be good in the community.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Malcom Brown, DT, Texas
The Jaguar do not have any hope, but his No. 1 biggest need is to find somebody who can swim. This very important because the Jaguar have a pool in the stadium. One kid drown in the pool, I hear on the radio, so the Jaguar need to find a player who can swim to rescue the drowning person in the middle of the game if need be. Because Pamela Anderson from Babewatch not walking through that door anytime in the near futures!
I go to goggle.com to try and find information on which football player can also swim too, but my computer got a virus so I take it to the hospital. After he feel better, I realize that I mist spelled google.com and try it. The first name that comed up is Malcom Brown, defensive tackle for the Texas, my second hometown.
I heard the name of Malcom Brown before. He play good for the Texas. Google also say he swim. So, if a fat kid drown again because he do not wait 30 minutes after eating his hot dog, Malcom Brown can stop whatever he doing and dive onto the pool to save the kid from the drown.
Oakland Raiders: Leonard Williams, DE/DT, USC
First of all, I want to wish my condolinsts to Leonard Williams for his lost the other day. Tragic strike when one of my favorite actor Leonard Nimoy die. Leonard William and Leonard Nimoy have blood relation because they both have the same first name Leonard. I bet Leonard William the long-lost son or uncle of Leonard Nimoy. I call Leonard William to apologize for his lost, but he say he confuse. Very confuse. It was clear to me that he denial. And denial not just a river in the Amazon.
What was I going to say? I lost my train of think. Oh yes, Leonard Nimoy such a great actor. I will always remember him as Captain Spot from Star Wars. If you do not ever see the show, he was not a human; he was a Volcano. But unlike the volcano we have on this planet, Captain Spot use his Volcano power to control people thought. Good thing people do not have this power in real lives or he gonna make everyone have sexual with each other!
Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin IV, QB, Baylor
It is time for the Redskin to cut tie with Robert Griffin III Jr. And when you cut tie, you have half a suit, so you need to go to the Man Warehouse to buy a new tie.
Robert Griffin III Jr. become a failure because he a pre-Madonna - the type of singer Madonna was before he was a singer. But fortunate smile on the Redskin because Robert Griffin IV Sr. available for the taking.
Everybody know that four is greater than three. That is because the Pac-man symbol > eat the four when the three acrossed from itself. That actually remind me of a famous joke. Why do seven afraid of nine. Because seven eat nine. Get it?
New York Jets: Marcus Mario, QB, Oregon
The Jet need to start over from the beginning. Sometime that is not smart, like when you so close to the finish a book and then you start over and then you thinking why I looking at these picture again? But the Jet not even close to the finish which is to win a championship in the National League of Footballs.
The Jet try Michael Vick last week. He struggle because he a bad guy. He drown dog, cat and squirrel with his bare hand. He not even use glove! This is sign that Mr. Michaels is a bad man, so the Jet need to do the polar opposite as long as that do not mean that they fight against polar bear!
Chicago Bears: Marcus Mario, QB, Oregon
I do not like what the Bear do in the offseason. They fire Marc Trustman, who they throw under the bus stop. Trustman do a good job, but how can he lead his team to the land of promises when he have a quarterback who do not care about winning football game?
Yes. Jay Cutlet I am talking to yourselves. You has all the talent in not just the world but the state of Chicago, but you ruin your chance of going to the doggone playoff because you do not care about winning football game. Trying to get you motivationed is like exercise in fertility!
Like I said before even though I do not clearly remember when I say this, but Marcus Mario is a nice guy. He so nice that maybe he will offer to play for two team this up and coming season. He can play for the Jet one week and then the Bear the next month and then the Tiger after that.
Atlanta Falcons: Melvin Charles, RB, Westconsin
The Falcon was one of the majorest disappoint this season. When he winned vs. the Buc that one game on Friday night football on Thursday, I was very impressived. But then he losted all his game after that, and the owner Arthur Banks pump crowd noise onto the stadium. So not only do the Falcon cheat, he also not good. Like the saying go, cheaters never prospect.
The biggest problem the Falcon haved was that Steven Johnson was a big disappoint. He have so much promise when the Falcon sign him, but all he did was rush for zero yard. The Falcon need to look for running back, and he need to look west youngster. West in the country of Westconsin.
Melvin Charles from the country of Westconsin. Everybody say he the next Jamal Charles so I do him the pleasure of changing his last name to Charles. I actually forgetted what his real last name is, maybe Johnson? Maybe Nimoy? I forgetted, but the most importanted point is that Jamal Charles going to be a big upraid for the Falcon. A not just a big upraid. A real big upraid.
New York Giants: Shawn Oakgood, DT, Baylor
The other month, I sign up into American on the Line. After my 56-ok modem make the usual beeping noise for one hour, I finally get to browse the Interweb. I make a search for Eli Manning for this pick, and I comed acrossed this picture:
What happen to the Eli! He do not look like a football player. I gaved a good think about this for quite a while. I had the urge to mark Hands and Frands from the commercial, but they not real football player. But then it dawn on me: Shawn Oakgood like Hands and Frands! Shawn Oakgood have real big muscle, so he can pump up the Eli so Eli not look like a flabby fronternity guy who drink too much alcoholism.
St. Louis Rams: Brandon Sheriff, OT, Iowa
The Ram sick and tire of Sam Brandon, so he trade himselves to the Eagle for Nick Folds. But the same problem impersist. The Ram do not have a good offensive lines to protect Nick Folds from getting injury like Sam Brandon.
I listen to all the draft analysists and they all say Brandon Sheriff the best linemen. This make sense because Brandon Sheriff last name Sheriff. This mean that he have a badge and gun in his pocket at all time. This mean he have a big advantagism against the defensive lineman he go against at all time! If the guy block him well, Sheriff can take masters into his own hand. The next play he can pull out the hamcuff and put the defense linemen under the rest. Or if the defense linemen way too violence Sheriff can pull out a gun and shoot the guy. But not in the head because he protectioned by helmet. He need to shoot the bullet on the knee.
Minnesota Vikings: Max Williams, TE, Minnesota
I do not make this pick on porpoise. It was accidentals, I swear. I do not intention all mark Minnesota guy to the Minnesota team. Call it a nice bonus - I am sure Max William like to play in his hometown of Minnesota for his belove Viking.
This pick make so much cents it is a couple dollar. Teddy Waterbridge play good rookie as quarterback, but he need help. He already have a tight end name Kyle Rudolph the Red Nose but Kyle Rudolph the Red Nose always injury. This not good for neither Teddy Waterbridge and Santa Claws. That is where Max William come in.
You may have notice that I call Max William Max William but not Maxx William. This because the second X very dangerous. If you add two X plus one more X you get... uhh... more than two X which equal XXX. XXX a very bad word it mean pornology! I always scare that my son Emmitt Smith IV the Jr. gonna start watching XXX on his computer. Good thing the Interweb slow at my house with the 56-ok modem!
Cleveland Browns: Jameis Winslow, QB, Florida State
I check the list and it say Jameis Winslow still available. How this happen on my mark draft!?!???!!?!
The Brown do good to draft Jameis Winslow. Jameis Winslow got into a lot of troubles when he was playing quarterback for the State of Florida University, but no one seem to care. Jameis Winslow seem to have the Jenny say qwa about himselves which is why he never go to prism. He can teach Johnny Footballs a thing or too.
For those who have not hearded, Johnny Footballs is in the rehab fertility. He trying to get help for a sickness he have right now, so let us keep him in our best wishes. Unless you rub a magic lamp and a Jenny come out and grant us three wish. Then you probably not going to wish for Johnny to not be sickness because three wish is not a lot of wish!
New Orleans Saints: Sun Ray, DE, Missouri
The Saint surprise everyone this off season! They so active Saint fans might be thinking it is the on season! Get it? Because off and on are synonym and also homophobe?
For those who mist it, the Saint trade all the member of their team. This include Curtis Lofton, Jimmy Crickett and Drew Brees. And other guy too. Do not forget about the other guy.
The Saint need to start over from the beginning fresh all over again from the start once more from a clean skate. The one guy the Saint do not get rid of was Rob Ryan, twin cousin of the head coach of the Jet, Rob Ryan. I was very surprise to see Rob Ryan have bad defense last week because he a very good defense coordination. Maybe he need help so they can try Sun Ray, who have the same name as the Asian women from the show Lost, a show about how all the people got losted.
Miami Dolphins: Kevin White, WR, West Virginia
I was a Pauled when I hear Mike Wallace walk off the field and refuse to go back in the game last year for the Dolphin. Wallace do not understand that every second in the NFL very precious. In fact, I would give my right heart to play football again, even if it is just for one snap. That is how much I miss this great game, yet Wallace do not seem to realizing it.
Wallace do not want to play anymore and the Dolphin trying to win game, so something had to give, which meaned something also have to take. The Dolphin get rid of Wallace, so he need a new wide receiver. By the way, I meaned to bring something up. Mike Wallace also the name of the guy from the TV show 60 Hours who also name Mike Wallace too as well. Is this the same person? Maybe Mike Wallace walk off the field because he need to do a live studio recording of 60 Hours. I never watch the show, by the way, because 60 hour sound like a long time. Sixty hours probably like a whole year!
San Francisco 49ers: Amari Copper, WR, Alabama
It deboggle my mind that all the players on the 49ers want to retirement. Very retirement. First, Bruce Willis retirement. Then Justin Smith. After that it was Chris Rolang. What do all of them have in commons? They all men over the age of 30. Also they football player who play football. Also they all 49ers. Also they all scare of playing and getting injury. Very injury.
The 49ers need help fast, so why not in list the help of Amari Copper, the great receiver from the University of Alabama Countryside? Copper is going to be good not the best. I know that because his last name Copper. Copper is the metal they give you in the Olympionics. First place get gold. Second place get silvers. Third place get copper. Ninth place get chocolate.
Houston Texans: Gregory Randy, DE/OLB, Nebraska
The Texas have the first pick last week so I do not know how they go from first pick to 15th. It is like they cast a magic spell and move from first to 15th. This must be black magic, or to be more political correctness, African American magic.
The Texas spented the first pick on Jadeveon Clown last year but he disappearment into thick air. The Texas now need to spent a draft on replacment, and Gregory Randy fill the bill.
This pick come with controversial. Very controversial. Gregory Randy go on the TV station NFL.com and announce that he solded marijuana to kids. This not good. I can only imagine what would happen if Emmitt Smith IV the III buy marijuana from Gregory Randall. He probably gonna smoke it and drop out of school right away because marijuana make you stupid and ears bleed and die.
I'll admit I was as shocked as everyone on draft night. It took me a dew days to regain my senses and delve into what Pace actually did this off-season. This rant basically mirrors my sentiments exactly. Time will tell if this was a genius move by Pace or not, but you have to give him credit for being ballsy and aggressive.