I've been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt's grammatically flawed analysis on the "Worldwide Leader," and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.
This is my 10th Emmitt mock draft. Last year, I had Matt Millen take half the picks, but I thought that Emmitt deserves his own mock draft, especially on his 10-year anniversary. I can't believe it's been a decade already! Where has the time gone?
This is what a 2018 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously, especially if you happen to be irritated by everything and have no sense of humor.
A reminder of what we've been missing on Emmitt-less ESPN.
Cleveland Browns: Sam Donald, QB, USC
In the month of 2016, Donald Trunk win the United State American Election for United State American President. Donald Trunk beat the daughter of former president Bill Clinton who the daughter of Bill Clinton and Monica Lapinsky. Everybody thought she gonna winned, but she just losted.
Now, we see that the apple do not fall far from the orange. The son of Donald Trunk, Sam Donald, gonna be the first pick in the 2018 draft. Sam Donald one of many kid Donald Trunk have. Of course there Donald Trunk Jr., Eric Trunk Jr., Junior Trunk Jr., little kid, Sam Donald, Donald Duck, and Millenium Trunk, who his pretty daughter.
New York Giants: Lamar Johnson, QB/WR, Louistown
Bill Poland, an old guy who talk on TV, say something real controversy about Lamar Johnson. He say that Lamar Johnson, quarterback of Louistown, gonna have to make the switchness to wide receiver on NFL. I do not understand why everybody so madness this. When I play for the Dallas Cowboy I make a recommendation to my head coach Jimmy Jackson. I say, "Coach Jackson, Troy Aikman have two hand. Why he cannot play wide receiver sometime?" Then Coach Jackson look at me like I crazy, but when in fact, he probably crazierness than myselves!
If Lamar Johnson can play wide receiver, maybe the Giant can eat their cake and drink it, too. The Giant need a quarterback super very badly but he still have Peyton Manning at the quarterback. Peyton Manning too slowness to play wide receiver so maybe Lamar Johnson can play wide receiver until Peyton Manning gonna announce his unretirement which probably gonna be happening soon because he probably getting too fat from eating all the pizza in the commerical he tape. Then when Peyton Manning unretirement Lamar Johnson can switch back from quarterback to wide receiver again.
New York Jets: Saquon Barkley, RB, Penn State
The Jet trade up from the 66th pick in the draft to the three, which mean one thing. He gonna draft a running back, which the most important position in football of all time. Nobody ever trade up for a position that not a running back. I not do the research on these, but I do not need to because it is very logicus statement.
Saquon Barkley real good. I watch him at Penn State when he play against the team and he had a good game because he run real good and catch. For those who do not know, two thing real interesting. One is that Penn happen to be a state. And third, Saquon Barkley the twin son of Charles Barkley, a guy who talk on TV and once upon a time play a game call baseketball.
Cleveland Browns: Sam Donald, QB, USC
The Brown use magic power to get two pick on the first two pick of the 2018 draft. This real impressive. But this also real dangerous, too. This mean that other team could steal the pick from the Brown, so he have to protect himselves from the thiefs who try to steal the pick. And when I'm talking steal, I do not mean the thing that are like silver mental.
Denver Broncos: John Rosen, QB, University College
John Elway looking for a new quarterback. He need to get a good quarterback because the Bronco do not have a good quarterback since the late 1900s millenium when there was a great quarterback on the Bronco who win two Super Bowl. I cannot remember his name for the lives of me, it are just on the tip of my mouth. His name begin with the number "J" and last name "E" but I cannot remember what his name are.
The guy who name I remember is John Rosen, quarterback of the UCLA, which stand for University College... uhh... I forget the other two number. There are some skepticism who say that John Rosen do not love football but how can he not love football, the color are brown, which are a great color, and it have a great shape.
Indianapolis Colts: Baker Basefield, QB, Oklahoma
The Colt trade down, yet he still get the guy he want all along the whole time, Baker Basefield. Baker Basefield a real good quarterback from the city of Oklahoma. Not only do he run good, but he throw good too also as well. Baker Basefield have a lot of controversy because he kill somebody but sometime you just have to let bygones be bygones. I do not know what or who bygones is but he just gotta be a bygone, according to the saying.
Some people might question this pick because of Andrew Luck. Why the Colt need a quarterback when he already have Luck? I has always been a firm beliefer that you should not put all your egg in one basketball so if the Colt trust Luck and he get hurt again, he gonna lose a lot of game again, and it is not good to have losts!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Denzel Ward, CB, Ohio State
When I start studying the draft class for this month's draft, I stumble upon the name Denzel Ward, and I wonder if he relationed to the great actor Denzel Washington because they have the same name that are not last. I ask around, and I come to the conclusion that Denzel Ward and Denzel Washington only one-quarter brother and sister, which mean Denzel Ward only have a 250-percent chance to be relationed to Denzel Ward.
If you wondering why the Buccaneer gonna pick Denzel Ward, look no father. He need a cornerback so badly that cornerback are a big-time need, and a big-time need happen to be bigger than a small-time need. In fact, the only different between a big-time need and a small-time need are that the big-time need happen to be big-time, and the small-time need not happen to be big-time!
Chicago Bears: Calvin Ridler, WR, Alabama
The Bear have a promise young quarterback who name is Mitch Trombone. Mitch Trombone do not have a good wide receiving to throw to unless you count my friend Marty Bookman, who play for the Bear a long time ago in a galaxy long time away.
Calvin Ridler remind me of the bad guy from my favorite comic ManBat, but I cannot remember his name, which begin with the number "R." But in honor of Calvin Ridler, I gonna ask you a ridler right now. What black and white and red all over? I give you a couple minute or a couple year to guess. OK, time up. The answer are something that happen to be black and white and red all over, which happen to be three color.
San Francisco 49ers: Joshua Johnson, CB, Iowa
I hear on the TV television thing that somebody talk and he say the Ram and the 49er have an arms race. An arms race for those who does not know is when two people put their arm on the starting line, then someone blow a gun and then the arm race each other to see who fastest.
Somebody else on the TV television thing say that Joshua Johnson have long arm. Maybe he gonna help the 49er win the arms race against the Ram.
Oakland Raiders: Lamar Johnson, QB, Lamar
I not very impressive with how David Carr play last year. He throw a lot of pass intersection which for those of you who do not know the ruled of football, are not a good thing!
David Carr need to be replace, and maybe he gonna go after Lamar Johnson. A talker on TV say that Lamar Johnson gonna have to play wide receiver and quarterback position at the same time. This crazy. How Lamar Johnson gonna throw the pass and catch the ball himselves at the same time!?
Miami Dolphins: Tivo TV, NT, Washington
The Dolphin really surprise me when he cut Donkey Kong Soup in the free agent. Donkey Soup was a great play for the Dolphin, and he real good, too also as well also too. It like the Dolphin think he can get rid of all his good player and be good but he gonna be the oppositism of good which not good.
Tivo TV a big man from the school of Washington, which located in the nation's capitalism. I am sure Donald Trunk and his lovely family go to many game to watch Tivo TV play in front of congressism.
Buffalo Bills: Josh Johnson, QB, Wyoming
I watch the Buffalo Bill lost to the Tennessee Titan in the playoff. Thyroid Taylor not lookin real good in this game, and now he trade to the Brown, which are like going to exile. Like the time Napoleon Dynamite got exiled to the island of Elebus. I learnt this in my history class at the University of Florida State if you real impress by my knowledge.
The Bill need a new quarterback, and luckily for himselves Josh Johnson available for the pick. Josh Johnson real strong arm, he throw the ball one time 500 yards down the field, which about half the football field, so maybe that not very impressives.
Washington Redskins: Rogue One Smith, LB, Georgia
I find it real interesting that Rogue One Smith name after the latest Star Trek Movie, Rogue One Smith. It is real coincidence that the commander of the Star Trek universe name Captain Kirk. And guess who the Redskin quarterback are? Kirk Cousin, who happen to be the grandson of Captain Kirk. This not only coincident. This happen to be fate.
Green Bay Packers: Carlton Banks, CB, Auburn
The Packer really disappointment me last month. He cannot do anything when Aaron Rodger go down, but then when Mr. Rodger come back, he also losted! Mr. Rodger, by the way, remind me of the TV television show I use to watch when I were a kid. It was about a man who wear sweater and answer the door sometime, but I do not remember what his name was.
One name I do remember the name of Carlon Banks, who were the grand uncle stepfather of Will Smith on the Fresh Print of Bell Hair, one of my favorite TV show when I was a kid, probably play second fiddle to Mr. Rodgers. Now if I can only recall what that show call!
Arizona Cardinals: Mike McJohnson, OT, Notre Dame
If I running a football team in the National League of Conferences, I would hair on the side of cautious. I not gonna take any risks, even if they make me play the bored game risk, which involve trying to kill the other king. The Cardinal do not follow my advice. He sign Sam Brandford who always injury. Always.
The Cardinal need to protect Brandford by giving him protective. Mike McJohnson certainly qualify since he protective Deshaun Kizeman at Notre Dame in the month of 2017. He do a good job and he gonna do a good job for Brandford at Notre Dame.
Baltimore Ravens: Orlando Brown, OT, Oklahoma
One of my favorite saying is that the apple do not fall far from the orange. I really belief this and you should beleif it too as well. What the meaning of this is if you have apple, and he on the ground, and then if you have orange, and he fall to the ground too as well, he not gonna fall far from the apple, so they gonna be close together. So, if you take a ruler and measurement his circumferent, they gonna be real close. And the key to the circumferent are pie. When pie involve, no body hungry.
But I digest. The reason I bring up the saying are because Orlando Brown gonna play for the Raven just like his late great father, who have the same name, Orlando Jones. Some criticism Orlando Brown for being slowness at the combines, he almost even losted to Rich Island, but he beat Rich Island in the race, so how can he be slowness, this not make sense.