Last update: April Fools, 2007. Next Update: None. Note: In case you haven't figured it out, this is an April Fools
version of my 2007 Mock Draft. A few of you may find this funny. Many of you won't. This is for those three people who like it.
Oakland Raiders: Road Runner, WR, New Mexico
The Raiders shocked the NFL world, picking the Road Runner over such talents as JaMarcus Russell and Calvin Johnson. "I was at Road Runner's Pro Day and he looked great," mumbled Al Davis. "He ran a 1.83 40 and had a broad jump of 57 feet. I looked at the new head coach guy I hired -- sorry I can't remember his name right now -- and I said, 'Holy crap, we gotta get this guy!' I know he doesn't have any arms, but I believe that's something we can work on in camp. I love speed. I'm so glad we picked this guy."
Detroit Lions: Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC
"Everyone's entitled to a second chance, and I believe that I'm not an exception to that rule," barked Matt Millen at reporters. "Look, I took Mike Williams and screwed up, OK? I believe this Dane Jarrett fellow will be everything Mike Williams was supposed to be. Believe me, I looked at his Pro Day numbers and I just knew." When asked why he didn't take Calvin Johnson, Millen simply had a confused look on his face and asked, "Who?"
Cleveland Browns: Michael Bush, RB, Louisville
Although they were angry at first, every single Browns fan realized why their team made this move. "Look, we know our first-round pick is going to get hurt, so why not spare our fans the frustration and disappointment, and just take a guy who's already hurt?", asked a dejected Romeo Crennel.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tom Brady Jr., QB, Michigan
"As soon as I heard Tom Brady was having a kid, I immediately called the kid's agent," admitted Jon Gruden. "After striking out with the sons of Phil Simms and Bob Griese, I'm confident Tom Brady's kid will help us get back to the Promised Land." Is the kid's age an issue? "Of course I'm aware that he or she isn't born yet. That doesn't bother me. We feel this is something we can resolve in training camp." Brady's child was not available for comment.
Arizona Cardinals: Mason Crosby, K, Colorado
A kicker? In round 1? All 15 Cardinals fans were furious. Bill Bidwill wasn't available for comment -- he was sitting in his mansion, counting his millions -- but experts speculate that Bidwill drafted a kicker because he wouldn't have to pay him as much as a player at another position.
Washington Redskins: Leonard Davis, OT, Texas
Despite being constantly told that Leonard Davis was not eligible for the 2007 Draft, Daniel Snyder took the Cowboys' newly signed offensive tackle at No. 6. "Snyder's a mad man, I'll tells ya," exclaimed Joe Gibbs. "He saw how much the Cowboys overpaid for that guy and he immediately wanted him. I kept telling Daniel that Davis wasn't available, but then he started crying. Have you seen a grown man cry before? It's not a pretty sight."
Minnesota Vikings: Andrae Brown, WR, Towson State
Who? Let's ask the coach. "Wow, look at all these great receivers we have," boasted Brad Childress. "We signed Bobby Wade to a $15 million deal even though we were tempted to give him $95 million. What a bargain! Now that we have Andrae Brown, we're ready to roll!"
Atlanta Falcons: Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
Attn: Bobby Petrino -- We know you're going to do this next year. Just save us the time and pick Brian Brohm this April. Thanks.
Miami Dolphins: Tim Couch, QB, Kentucky
"So, you're telling me we don't get wins based on how many broken-down, bust quarterbacks we have on our roster!" yelled owner Wayne Huizenga as he stormed into his office. No wonder he's trying to trade for Trent Green.
Houston Texans: Carl Berman, WR, Indiana State
Mario Williams had a great pre-draft workout. So did Carl Berman. Coincidence? Charley Casserly thinks not: "Carl Berman played receiver at Indiana State, but at 166 pounds, we're confident we can plug him in at defensive tackle to help stop the run." I know Casserly is no longer in the Texans' front office, but I haven't made fun of him in a while and I was starting to have withdrawal symptoms.
San Francisco 49ers: David Ball, WR, New Hampshire
The 49ers have been looking for the next Jerry Rice ever since the great receiver skipped across the bay to wear silver and black for a few seasons. "David Ball broke all of Rice's records at the 1-AA level, so we're expecting a modest 22,000 receiving yards and 1,519 receptions over the next 18 years," stated owner John York. "No big deal." When a journalist brought up Terrell Owens, York's head exploded.
St. Louis Rams: Alan Branch, DT, Michigan
If you're wondering what happened to the Bills, Marv Levy was taking his afternoon nap and consequently missed his pick. Hopefully he'll be awake by Round 3.
The Rams took Damione Lewis and Ryan Pickett in 2001. They also snagged Jimmy Kennedy in 2003. All three turned out to be fat slobs who couldn't play the position. Taking Alan Branch will only continue the tradition in St. Louis. Whoa, wait a second? I have the Rams taking Branch in my real mock draft. Oops.
Carolina Panthers: Steve Smith, WR, USC
Mad at every single journalist who wrote that he should be fired, John Fox got revenge by drafting another Steve Smith who plays wide receiver. "I don't care if Steve Smith isn't as good as Steve Smith," shouted Fox. "If Steve Smith is almost as good as Steve Smith, or if Steve Smith is better than Steve Smith, then Steve Smith will start along with Steve Smith, but we will use Steve Smith in certain packages and we will use Steve Smith in other packages. Steve Smith will be our No. 1 and Steve Smith will be our No. 2."
Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger's Appendix, QB, UPMC Presbyterian Hospital
Ben Roethlisberger's record prior to his appendectomy: 27-4. Ben Roethlisberger's record after his appendectomy: 7-8. Coincidence? Probably -- but the Steelers should tread on the safe side.
Green Bay Packers: Ruben Brown, G, Pittsburgh
Tired of reporters hounding him during the offseason, Brett Favre asked the Packers to draft another player who thinks about retiring every year.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Fans
Frustrated about his inability to sell out games no matter what, owner Wayne Weaver decided to draft every single illegal immigrant who crossed the border within the past 12 months. "We're happy to have these new people as our fans," gushed Weaver. "I don't really care if they can't speak English. I'm just happy to have them in our empty stadium."
Cincinnati Bengals: Hannibal Lecter, DE, John Hopkins Medical Center
Marvin Lewis surprised everyone by drafting Hannibal Lecter. While some scouts salivate over his athletic ability, many considered him a risk, given his off-the-field issues. "Hogwash," declared Lewis. "I know Hannibal doesn't have the best track record in the world, but we're confident we can turn this fine, young man around. I mean, sure, he's killed a few people and forced some guys to eat their own brains, but really, who hasn't done stuff like that when they were young?"
Tennessee Titans: Tarrell Brown, CB, Texas
Probably won't happen (until the third round) but if Tarrell Brown starts across from Pac Man Jones, Tennessee's starting corners will have combined for 23,018 arrests this past week. Nice.
New York Giants: Olivia Manning, QB, Ole Miss
This was a special request from Eli Manning. Why did he want the Giants to take his mom? Let's listen: "I want mommy to protect me from the big bad coach who always yells like a meanie all the time," whimpered Manning. "Mommy won't let big bad coach yell at me anymore. I love my mommy."
Denver Broncos: Jake Plummer, QB, Arizona State
Somewhere in Denver, someone reading this just had a heart attack. Sorry, man.
Dallas Cowboys: Mike Vanderjagt, K, West Virginia
Somewhere in Boca Raton, Bill Parcells' head just exploded. Sorry, Bill.
Kansas City Chiefs: George Cooper, TE, Georgia Tech
The Chiefs continued their tradition of not drafting for need. "We feel that George Cooper will be a very good backup for Tony Gonzalez," Herman Edwards explained. What about offensive tackle and wide receiver? "That's OK, we can address those needs when the free-agency period rolls around." But aren't there better tight ends available, like Greg Olsen and Zach Miller? "We don't need a great tight end! We have Gonzo! Why would we need a great tight end? That just doesn't make sense! We need a very good backup!"
New England Patriots: Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
"Why the heck did the 23 idiotic teams before us pass on this guy?" -- Bill Belichick.
New York Jets: Puberty
Frustrated that Chad Pennington, Eric Mangini and GM Mike Tannenbaum look like a trio of troublesome teenagers who loiter outside of a 7-11, the Jets have chosen to draft puberty, which is basically a compilation of nudie magazines, beer and Fat Actress DVD sets.
Philadelphia Eagles: Patrick Willis, MLB, Ole Miss
The Eagles shunned linebackers until now. So, why the sudden desire to acquire as many as possible? "I'm tired of this walterfootball.com guy always making fun of my hatred for linebackers," explained Andy Reid, scarfing down 13 cheese steaks and 18 cheeseburgers in the process. "So, I'm going to prove him wrong by picking up as many linebackers as possible! Ha!" Glad I could make a difference, Big Red.
New Orleans Saints: Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin
The Texans should have drafted Reggie Bush or Vince Young last year, but opted for Mario Williams instead. The Saints ended up with Bush. This year, the Texans should draft Joe Thomas -- he's available in this mock -- but they chose Carl Berman as an alternative. Notice a pattern? Hey, Texans fans. I hear the real-estate market in New Orleans is pretty solid right now.
New England Patriots: None
"I don't need anyone else. The entire NFL stinks. My team is going 15-1 and winning the Super Bowl. Ha!" -- Bill Belichick.
Baltimore Ravens: Brian Billick Statue
"I hope this 90-foot statue that we will place outside of our stadium will let everyone know how absolutely great I am," Brian Billick said as he was gazing into a mirror. "I mean, everyone knows how fantabulous I am already. Everyone knows I'm a genius. Sure, I'll admit that. The problem is, will people, let's say, in 400 years know my terrificness? This was an issue I just had to address.
San Diego Chargers: Rich Kotite, Coach, Wagner
Didn't the Chargers already hire a coach? Let's allow GM A.J. Smith to explain. "As you all know, I fired Marty Schottenheimer because he and I didn't get along. So, I hired Norv Turner because he seemed like a nice guy. Man, was I fooled! I was playing Norv in Chinese Checkers one day and he beat me. That jerk! He's as good as gone. I'm bringing in Rich Kotite. I know he can't count to 10 but that doesn't matter at this point."
By the way, if you're young and don't remember how bad a coach Kotite was, he once went for two after scoring a touchdown to make it 24-13. So, why did he want a 24-15 score instead of a 24-14? Kotite said he couldn't read his 2-point conversion chart because it was raining and the chart got wet.
Chicago Bears: Jim Belushi, Guest, Southern Illinois
Eagerly seeking publicity, the Bears chose Jim Belushi with this pick because they want a guest star to appear on TV every time they're slated to play on Sunday Night or Monday Night Football. Why do I get the feeling that they just wasted this selection?
Indianapolis Colts: Brandon Stokley, WR, Louisiana-Lafayette
They cut him, they sign him. They sign him, they cut him. Why can't the Colts just make up their minds? Well, they did win the Super Bowl, so maybe this strategy actually works.