Emmitt Smith and Matt Millen's 2016 NFL Mock Draft
I've been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt's grammatically flawed analysis on the "Worldwide Leader," and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.
This is my ninth Emmitt mock draft, so I thought it was time to change things up, but only a bit. "Emmitt" will still be making picks in this mock draft, but he'll be joined by Matt Millen, who still somehow has a job on ESPN. It's ridiculous that he's still employed, given that he does nothing but mutter sexual innuendos toward certain players and coaches. Millen, of course, lashed out at one of his players with homophobic comments when he was general manager of the Lions, so it's no surprise that he keeps saying that he would "ride young stallions" all night long. Millen doth protest too much, after all.
This is what a 2016 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith and Matt Millen combined to create one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put his blood, sweat and cry into it, and then Millen dipped his kielbasa into that blood, sweat and cry.
"Check out my sexy suspenders. The 100-percent USDA Men love them."
Tennessee Titans: Dak Priscitt, QB, Mississippi State
I want to start off my mocks draft with a bang. A bang for the bucks. And I am not talking about a bang like from the show Bang Big Theory. The Titan, despite drafting Marcus Mariogi in the draft last month, is going to take another quarterback with the No. 1 pick he trade for from the Ram. This may seem strangeness, so let me explainess.
Marcus Mariogi got a bad case of the injury bug last season. Sometime doctor can't get the bug outside of you like the Ebola bug that have been going around. The Ebola bug bite everybody and then he die, so what if the same thing happen to Mariogi. The Titan have to be prepare for this, so why not take the consensual top quarterback in the draft, Dak Priscitt?
Dak Priscitt is name after the great state of Dakota. There are actually four state who have the name Dakota on it: North Dakota, South Dakota, East Dakota and Southeast Dakota. You would ponder that West Dakota would be on the include, but he racist against West for some reason.
And now I am going to hand the balls off to Matt Millen, who I recruit to help me to do the mark draft this year.
Cleveland Browns: Laremy Tunsil, QB, Ole Miss
By Matt Millen
Let me just say, it's an honor and a privilege to be able to do this mock draft with my good friend, Emmitt. It's allowed me to work close with Emmitt, which has always been a dream come true for me. Using my kielbasa sextant, I determined long ago that Emmitt has a 716-percent USDA Man rating. I don't need to tell you that that's a lot of percentages! Working long hours with Emmitt, I've tried to secretly insert my kielbasas into his backside without his knowledge, but Emmitt is still as elusive as he ever was on the football field. He managed to escape my kielbasas this year, but be sure that one day, my kielbasas will penetrate his backside.
As for this pick, I'm a fan of the Cleveland Browns, so I'm a bit biased. The color brown reminds me of what my kielbasas look like when they're done penetrating the backsides of my 100-percent USDA Men compatriots, so I will mock the best possible player to them. That would be Laremy Tunsil, who has a huge backside. You could measure it with an hour glass. Players with enormous backsides are valued commodities in today's NFL, so that's yet another reason to cheer for the team representing my favorite color.
San Diego Chargers: Carson Wins, QB, North Dakota State
I talk about the city of North Dakota on my first pick and here come a guy from the country of North Dakota on the third pick. I know these two not the same thing but it is still what the scientist call a coincidencement nonetheleast. It but do not happen to be a coincidencelyment that Carson Wins happen to have the same name as Carson Palmtree, the quarterback for the Phoenix Cardinal. That is because they father and son, and like the scientist say, the apple do not fall far from the orange.
Before we move on, let me explain my appreciationness that Matt Miller doing the mark draft with me. It take me three month to do 32 pick before but now it only take me two month to do half of 32, which happen to be 22. I choose Matt Miller because when I search for his name on the Google, it come back that he NFL Draft Scott, which sound like he know his thing. It also say that Matt Miller say that Charles Barkley gonna be the No. 7 pick in this mark draft guarantee, so this type of inside info gonna be real crucial to make sure my mark draft the most accuracy of all the mark draft on the Inter Web.
Dallas Cowboys: Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
By Matt Millen
I'm so glad I drew evens in this mock draft. First, I got to talk about my beloved Browns, and now, I'm getting to the Cowboys, my other beloved franchise. Every time I watch a Cowboys game or think about the Cowboys, I imagine being in the Wild West, where there are lots of cowboys and Indians. I always dream of a cowboy coming in to kidnap me. He could rope me in and tie me up, and then ride me all night long. I told my wife, Patricia, this dream once, and she said she'd leave me if I brought it up again. Is it just me, or are women just unappealing?
Joey Bosa is definitely not a woman. He's a man, and he's 100-percent USDA Man at that. I watched him during the Combine, and I was sweating just seeing him in the drills. If he can't take a giant kielbasa up the backside, I don't know who can. Joey Bosa? More like Joey Boss. You can tell me what to do all night long, Joey. You're the boss, my young stallion.
Jacksonville Bears: Kevin Taylor, RB, Florida City
I will be remist if I do not include a running back from my almond matters, the University of Florida City. Kevin Taylor is the next Florida City running back, and he just happen to be the father of former NFL legend Fred Taylor, who in his hey day run for the Jacksonville Bears. Fred Taylor was a great talent and not only that but a great player as well so maybe he past on his jeans to his father. I saw Kevin Taylor wearing a sharp pairs of jeans when I met him last time, and I ask him if Fred past his jeans on to Kevin, and Kevin said yes, they happen to be the jeans that belonged to my father.
Baltimore Ravens: DeForest Buckner, DE/DT, Oregon
By Matt Millen
I'm not a fan of the Ravens like I am the Browns and Cowboys, but I do respect the franchise. They're named after Edgar Allen Pole, who was a famous poet. He was that guy who wrote, "Quote the Raven, who said never more." One of my favorite stories of his was the Telltale Heart, which is about an old guy who hears a heart beating from under his floor boards because he has great hearing. It reminds me of myself because I have emergency kielbasas hidden under my floor boards. I hope my wife doesn't read this because I don't want her finding them and throwing them out. She already threw out my cherished 1972 Mint Polish Kielbasa. Stupid wife.
Anyway, I stole this pick from the WaltersFootball.com mock draft. It makes sense because the guy with the telltale heart probably lived in a forest. Or should I say a DeForest? See what I did there? I put a "De" before forest to get DeForest, the guy I mocked here. Because I was talking about forests before, but all I had to do was add a "De" to get DeForest.
Phoenix Cardinals: Charles Barkley, QB, Auburn
This the inside info I heard from before that I telled you already. Matt Miller working with me on this mark draft, and he provide me with the inside info that Charles Barkley gonna be the seventh pick in the mark draft guarantee. He say it gonna happen to the Phoenix Cardinal but the Cardinal do not have this pick. It belong to the San Jose 49er. So, according to my calculator, the Cardinal gonna do two thing to get this pick. The first thing is he gonna trade up to the 49er and get it in a trade. What do he offer in the trade? Why not Carlson Palmtree, who happen to be getting long in the mouth? Long in the mouth mean that he not only have a long mouth, but he getting old as wells. And the third option the Cardinal have of getting this pick is to kidnap the pick. The pick not a kid because he old, but it is still call kidnap because kid make up the name. This very creativeness because I could never ponder this.
Philadelphia Eagles: Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
By Matt Millen
What is Emmitt talking about with me reporting that the Phoenix Coyotes would be drafting Charles Barkley? First of all, it's Arizona Coyotes, Emmitt. Second of all, Charles Barkely is an NBA player who currently plays for the Phoenix Suns. Get your facts straight before you accuse someone of false reporting, Emmitt. I expected someone of your percentage of USDA Manliness to be more responsible with your wild accusations.
Speaking of quarterbacks, how about the Eagles find Sam Bradford a receiver? They spent last year's first-round pick on a receiver, but one first-round receiver pick is never enough. In fact, something I learned while being the general manager of the Detroit Tigers is that position doesn't even matter. All you have to do is measure the prospect's backside with a kielbasa sextant, and if he's 100-percent USDA Man, draft him, no questions asked. Laquon Treadwell, by the way, is 100-percent USDA Man for sure. When he was sleeping, I snuck into his bedroom and measured his backside with my kielbasa sextant. I was in awe when I saw that he was 149-percent USDA Man. He should be the No. 1 pick in this draft.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Laquarck Trackwell, WR, Ole Miss
The Buccaneer make a bold pick last month when he draft James Wilson to be the face of the franchise. I was glad I was never the faced of my franchise, the Cowboy. That honor belong to Tron Aikman. I was glad I was not the face because I was always scare they would grab me, cut up my face and put it on a plaque because I was the face of the franchise. I do not know if this happen to Tron or not, but maybe that is why he retirement!
I lost my train of think, and I do not know when the next train come. Oh yes, James Wilson look good at time last week, but he need help at the receiver. He get no help from Mike Evans, who was so bad last week that the announcementers say that he can't catch a cold. I can't catch a cold neither either. I try all my life to catch a cold so I can throw him in the garbage or flushed him down the toilet bowl, but I can't see the cold because he is invincible so how am I suppose to catch him!?
New York Giants: Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
By Matt Millen
I keep thinking about the forest I mentioned in the DeForest Buckner pick. You know, the one time I cracked that great joke. The one where I added "De" before Forest to make it DeForest, which was funny because I was talking about a forest and DeForest Buckner at the same time. Since DeForest Buckner's first name is DeForest, if you take away the "De," you get DeForest, I mean you get forest, and the forest was the other thing I was talking about and then add on "De" and you get DeForest.
I actually wish I lived in a forest. I would live in a cabin, and I would set traps and kidnap all of the men my kielbasa sextant deemed to be 80 percent or greater. I would then insert my kielbasa into their backsides so many times that blood would come out. If the traps ensared women, I would keep them there to feed the bears because who needs women anyway? I would do the same to men at less than 80-percent USDA. They are a disgrace. How can I stick kielbasas into their backsides if their backsides are too small!?
Anyway, I'm not sure what to give to the Giants because I don't pay attention to them. A receiver makes sense. You can never go wrong with a receiver in the draft.
Chicago Bears: Larry Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss
Every body say that the Titan going to take Larry Tunsil on the top of the draft this season. I hear all the expert say this from Mel Cooper to Todd McGay. I do not agree with these and in my humble opinion, I say Larry Tunsil gonna fall to the 10th pick in the draft. This is because he gonna remind some people of the tunsils, the thing in your mouth that sometime you need to have remove. When I was a lil' kid, I had my tunsil taken out and man it hurt for a long time. But the doctor gave me iced cream to make myselves feel better and it do help me a bit. So maybe I am wrong about Larry Tunsil, he probably a good guy but he could still remind people of the pain he go through when he go over the knife.
New Orleans Saints: Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor
By Matt Millen
If there's one city I hate in America, it's New Orleans. That's primarily because of Mardi Gras. I went there once to see what sort of USDA Men I could find. I couldn't find any, to my surprise. Instead, it was only girls, and they were all slutty and they lifted their shirts up and flashed me with their boobs. I almost wanted to vomit. What sort of man wants to see boobs? Not me. I'm not a damn homo like Johnnie Morton. He can go down to New Orleans and be gay and look at slutty girls' boobs.
As revenge for this boobs incident, I'm going to mock the worst player ever to the Saints. Here's Corey Coleman, f***ers. Hope you like your small receiver who is only 11-percent USDA Man according to my kielbasa sextant. You can't even fit a 1-inch kielbasa into his backside! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
Miami Dolphins: Jared Golf, QB, California
My condolinsciences to the Dolphin, who lost a value member of their team with Ryan Tannninghill who get kidnap by pirate this season. There is a chance Tanninghill die or becomed zombie, but in the means time the Dolphin do not have a quarterback, and you know the c'mon saying. If you do not have a quarterback in football, you do not has anyone who can throw ball!
Jared Golf probably a good pick. I never watch him play, but if he true to his name stake, he gonna be good at the sport that... uhh... the one... I forgettened the name but the one where you hit golf ball. I can't remember for the lives of me. But if Jared Golf good at that sport, he can maybe throw the ball as far as he hit golf ball, which like 350 yards, and if you divise that by 100 which the measurement of the football field, you get 55 football field which a lot of football field! Oh, I rememberment the name of the sport! It is... uhh... goodness graciousness, I forget the name of the sport where you hit golf ball already. I swear it is on the tip of my tooth!
Oakland Raiders: Joel Slave, QB, Wisconsin
By Matt Millen
You know who has a lot of potential? Mark Davis. No, I'm serious. I always respected Al Davis. Al never was a 100-percent USDA Man, but he was able to summon gargoyles and demons that I would be able to insert my kielbasas into, as long as they were male, since I'm not a f***ing homo. Mark Davis is not capable of doing this, but only because he has a Captain Kangaroo haircut, which automatically depletes his 100-percent USDA Manliness. According to my kielbasa sextant, that's an automatic deduction of 50 percent. That's one hell of a deduction!
I'm going to give the Raiders a quarterback. It would normally be a receiver, but Joel Slave from Wisconsin is the man Mark Davis needs to put him over the top. Joel Slave is actually Mr. Slave, the guy on South Park, who set the record for USDA Manliness. He is 484,693,204-percent USDA Man. He has a gerbil living in his backside for crying out loud! I can only hope that one day I become such a great USDA Man that a live mouse can be inserted into my backside.
Los Angeles Rams: Le'Raven Clark, OT, Texas Tech
I can't believe the National League of Footballs have a team in the country of Los Angeles once again for the second time. Los Angeles use to have three football team: The Los Angeles Ram, the Los Angeles Raider and the Los Angeles Cavalry. The Raider move back to the state of Oakland and the Ram disappear from existant but he back and better than ever.
Somebody telled me that the Ram need linesmen so why not Le'Raven Clark. Le'Raven Clark... Le in French is a word that mean hamburger. And Raven is another word for bird. And chicken good food, too. Wait, I already forgotted what I was talking about.
Detroit Lions: Charles Rogers, WR, Michigan
By Matt Millen
HAHAHAHAHAHA REVENGE IS MINE!!! THE TIGERS UNJUSTLY FIRED ME SO I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM A HORRIBLE RECEIVER AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! CHARLES ROGERS SUCKS!!!!! ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD'VE DRAFTED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. I'm honestly not that upset about being fired by the Detroit Tigers, though each night I poke needles into voodoo dolls of all the owners and coaches on the Tigers right now. F***ers. I hate the fans, too. They once said they were doing a Millen Man March for me, which got me excited because I thought USDA Men were coming to the office to ram kielbasas into my backside, but all they wanted to do was get me fired. Don't ever tempt a man with kielbasa penetration and then reverse course, or things will get ugly, I promise you. F***ing homos and their gay protest. I'll get revenge on them next.