Last update: A couple hour ago. Next update: Who in God name would update the mark draft lot of time?
My friend Ryan IMed me about a week ago, "Emmitt's on TV again!"
I was thrilled. It's been two years since we've heard Emmitt Smith debaclize the English language - go here for some of Emmitt's quotes - so I was eager to tune in and listen to some of Emmitt's "analysis."
"What network is he working for now?" I asked. Ryan's answer disappointed me. "He's in a commercial," he said.
I think this is a disgrace. Despite Emmitt's inability to conjugate verbs and make logical points, he's the best analyst of all time. Who else is as unintentionally humorous as him? No one.
Until someone hires Emmitt, I'll continue to pump out these Emmitt Mocks. This is what a 2011 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put blood, sweat and cry into it.
"A mark draft very difficultness to create. Please read all my doggone pick!"
Carolina Panthers: Cam Norton, QB, Auburn
I normally like to begin my NFL Mark Draft on positive, but I must begin my NFL Mark Draft on a not positive.
I was very disturb to hear that some folk on a newspaper Pro Football Weekday say that Norton is racist because he have a fake smile.
First of all, how do someone have a fake smile? Do somebody buy paint at the store that sell paint, and then paint the smile on their faces with paint? Cam Norton play football, and sometime there is rain in football, and if he have paint on his face, then the rain will wash the paint away. Pro Football Weekday obviously do not know how paint work.
Denver Broncos: Mark Dares, DT, Alabama
When you look at the death chart for the Denver Bronco, you see that they do not has many player who can play the defensive tackles position. That is why Mark Dares make a lot of sense at this position.
Speaking of Dareons, the guy on the TV, Mike Maycock, confuse me when he say that Dareo can play three technique or five technique. Five technique a lot of technique! But make up your damn mind, Maycock! Either Dariel can play as many as three technique or five technique. Maybe you can add them together and get nine technique, so I'm goin' on record and sayin' that Mark Dart can play nine technique!
Buffalo Bills: Vern Miller, DE/OLB, Texas A&M
This may surprise you, but I did not get a law agree when I went to the University of Florida Gata. So sometime, law confuse me. Very confuse me.
I heard on a Web sight that Vern Miller gonna sue the entire National Football Conference because he do not think it is fair to have a draft during a lockdown.
Now, what is gonna happen when Vern Miller win his lawsuits and he become guilty of the own thing he tryin' to lawsuit himself against? Will he go to jail or owe a billion dollars? I think we all can agree that lawsuiting yourselves is a very stupid idea.
Cincinnati Bengals: Blade Gabber, QB, Missouri
When Blade Gabber's parents gave birth control to him, they name their son Blade after a sword, a knive or scissor. This mean he have a very sharp personality, and that his personality have very sharpness. Some may even say that he is a sharp as a whistle.
The Bengal need a quarterback because Carson Palmer announce his unretirement a couple of days ago. Palmer said that he have $80 million sittin' in the bank. I wish I had $80 million. That would make me a billionaire, and I would build a large waterslide in the backyard of my house with the $80 million I steal from Carson bank accountment.
Arizona Cardinals: Jake Locker, QB, Washington
There are two certainty in life: Death and Texas. However, if you want to expand that list to three item, the third list on the item is that the Cardinal will be draftin' a quarterback in the NFL Mark Draft.
The Cardinal have a big problem at the quarterback positions ever since Kurt Warner left to upstage me on Dancin' on the Stars. Matt Lion Heart was suppose to be Warner's successful, but he showed that he had no heart, much like the lion who have no heart in the Lion, the Witch and the Dressrobe.
Cleveland Browns: Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
When I look at all the NFL Mark Draft on the Interweb, I see that no one have Mark Ingram goin' to the Brown. I am very a Pauled by this. And Paul a very angry man, so when someone a Pauled, you know that they have very angry inside.
As a fellow runnin' back in the Southeast Eastern Conference, Ingram is a great runnin' back and every team need at least three great runnin' back. The only runnin' back the Brown have is a guy name Peyton Hills, who ruin my fantastic football team because he wored down the stretch. Hills is an old man, and as the old sayin' go, you can't teach a new dog old trick or treat.
San Francisco 49ers: A.J. Green, WR, Georgia
Normally I would say that team need to get as many runnin' back as possible, but the 94ers have no wide receiver outside of Michael Treecrab. And by the look of his name you might suspect that Michael Treecrab is a tree that have crab inside. But these are no true! Same with Jake Lockers. He may have a locker in the locker room, but Jake Locker not made out of lockers!
Tennessee Titans: Ryan Mallard, QB, Arkansas
When the Titan was at the crosswords of their season last season, the coach and quarterback got into a quabble. First, Vince Young yell at everybody and storm out of the room because the vendin' machine don't have Orange Soda. Then, Jeff Fishman try to stop him by givin' him Grape Soda instead. Vince Young, who not so young anymore, call Fishman a liar, a thief and a pilgrim, and storm out of the building.
Jeff Fishman basically a take a gun and stab his quarterback in the back, so he need to find a new quarterback. Ryan Mallard have some character issue, but sometimes character can be good, and sometime character can be bad, and sometime character can be not good, but not bad, but somewhere in between.
Dallas Cowboys: Emmitt Smith IV, RB, Florida
The Cowboy have not had a great runnin' back since they got rid of your truthfulness. They try to give the job to Troy Hambone, but he failed. Then Julian Jone. He fail. Then Mario Barber. He fail. Then Felix Jone. He fail. LeShard Choice even have a chance, but he do not have much of a chance but if he did have a chance he would have suffered the same deminds.
Load and behole, Emmitt Smith IV Jr., the fruit of my loom.
I keep tryin' to get my son, Emmitt Smith IV the Fourth into the mark draftin', but no team ever take him. My son now 10 or maybe 12 year old, so he got a bright future behind himselves.
Washington Redskins: Michael Shore, RB, Illinois
I do not want to keep beatin' a dead nurse, but teams want to make the doggone playoff, they need to get lots of good runnin' back on the team.
Michael Shore would fix that problem for the Redskin. Mike Shannon lookin' for a runnin' back who can run fast, run hard, run strong, run long and run real real good and can catch the ball when need be. Well, these are Michael Shore's bread and water. He can do all those thing for the Redskin.
Houston Texans: Ryan Williams, RB, Virginia Tech
I am breakin' the news on my NFL Mark Draft. The Texan are gettin' a running back in the first round of the NFL Mark Draft this draft. If you do not believe me, I do not blame you. I do not even believe myselves! But I heard this information from a sorts I talk to the other day. He tell me that the Texan are draftin' a runnin' back, and when I ask why, he say that teams need lots of good runnin' back to go to the doggone playoff.
"Ah, of course," I said to my sorts. But then before I could ask him what the Viking will be doing, I woke up from my dream. So, take my broken news with a grain of pepper because I heard it in a dream, but you know what they say about dream - sometime dream can come true, but sometime a dream can come false.
Minnesota Vikings: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Lots of teams need quarterback, but I run out of quarterback on my list, so I must use Cam Newton again to give to the Viking.
Cam Newtown is gonna throw lot of passes downtown. Do you liked how I metaphized that sentence? I hope you did, because I went to the trademark office to copyright that metaphize. So, every time from now on from right now till the end of time, every time someone say "Cam Newton is gonna throw lot of passes downtown" or something of that milk, I'm gonna get paid a nickel. When the end of time finally come, I'm definitely gonna have a lot of nickel.
Detroit Lions: Da'Quan Bowsers, DE, Clemson
Da'Quan Bowsers name after the green wolf at the end of Super Mario Brother. The wolf and the lion are like brother and sister animal, so that is why Da'Quan Bowsers go to the Detroit Lion.
I remember playin' the Super Mario Brother video game. It was frustration - very frustration. Every time I knock the Bowsers on his backside, he fall into the lava but then the midget with the pizza hat at the end say that the princess is on another castle. Why do they not hang a sign on the door that say, "Not the castle of the princess?" Maybe the princess should leave a note sayin, "I have gone to the tanning salon castle, be back in a couple hour?"
St. Louis Rams: Greg Salsa, WR, Hawaii
Everybody say that Sam Brandon have a good rookie years last year. He almost lead the team to the doggone playoff, but he lossed the final game to the Seahawk, which take the wind right out of his salesman.
The Ram need a receiver, and Greg Salsa sound like he could be a good player in the National Football Conference.
Greg Salsa have the definition of a homophobe - a word that have two different meanin' and two different spellin'. On one hand, salsa mean the thing you dunk your potato chip in, and on two hand, salsa mean the forbidden dance that have been forbidden.
Miami Dolphins: Jordan Toadman, RB, Connecticut
Everybody know the Dolphin need runnin' backs after Ricky Wilkins and Roddy Brown retirement. Everybody, that is, except for the Dolphin himselves! The Dolphin meet with Randy Mallett four time in the past day, which mean he not lookin' at runnin' backs.
Well, I am here to say that the Dolphin is in denial. And denial is not only a river that float in Texas.
I never seen Toadman play until I watch this video on YouTube. If you see, Toadman jump real high all the time and he made out of green, which can be usefulness on the goal zone.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Edmond Gays, WR, Abilene Christian
Call me crazy, but I'm takin' the Jackson Jaguar movin' to L.A. rumors with a grain of pepper. It make no sense to me. First of all, how the team gonna move the whole stadium to the Specific Ocean? Do the stadium have wheel underneath that can roll to the Specific Ocean all by itselves? Of course not! By my estimitizin', it would take 800 wheel to move a stadium to the Specific Ocean, and there are not that many wheel in existment!
But if the Jaguar decide to move to the City of Sin, Edmond Gays would be a good draft pick. Not only do the Jaguar need receiver, they also need gaysexual folk like Gays because there are so many gaysexual in the City of Sins.