Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2018. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
Follow me @walterfootball for updates.
Cleveland Browns: Hue Jackson, QB, Pacific
Many were surprised when the Browns retained Hue Jackson following his 0-16 season. Jackson is 1-31 as head coach of Cleveland, but that didn't matter to ownership.
"Hue has done a great job for us," owner Jimmy Haslam said. "That one win versus San Diego ... wow. What a memory for me as owner of this team."
Haslam is so impressed with Jackson that he has decided to give him more responsibilities.
"Hue is going to be our next quarterback," Haslam announced. "Forget all of these Josh Rosens and Baker Mayfields. Hue is the best, and he can do no wrong as neither head coach or quarterback."
New York Giants: Common Sense Pills
Benching Eli Manning made sense last year, but don't tell that to Giant fans. There was utter outrage when it happened, and a coach was even fired over it. Manning had been horrible most of the season, but Ben McAdoo was chastised for sitting him.
The Giants hired Pat Shurmur and were expected to move on from Manning, but now Shurmur is saying that he wants to stick with Manning as his starter. Owner John Mara couldn't believe it.
"What the f*** is happening!?" he bellowed. "Why doesn't anyone else recognize that Eli sucks now!?"
Mara has opted to take matters into his own hands, drafting Common Sense Pills to counter the Member Berries that Shurmur and all of the fans have ingested.
"'Member when Eli won the Super Bowl?" Shurmur asked prior to swallowing one of the common sense pills. "I 'member when Eli beat Tom Brady twice. He was fantastic!"
Indianapolis Colts: Justin Bieber, QB, Canada
The Colts decided they were going to draft Justin Bieber months ago, and their strategy didn't change even though half their plan was ruined.
"Let's be clear here, and please, save your questions until the end because I'll be high by then and so I won't remember how boring that part of this press conference is," owner Jim Irsay said. "Andrew Luck is never going to play again. He went to Oz to get a new shoulder. The Tin Man needs a heart, the Lion needs courage, the Scarecrow needs a brain, and Andrew needs a shoulder. So, we have to move on without him, so I wanted to pair two douche bags together, Josh McDaniels and Justin Bieber. Unfortunately, one douche bag quit on me before he took the job, because he's a douche bag, but luckily we have one douch..."
Irsay began drooling and became unresponsive.
Bieber was reached for comment, but he declined, announcing that he would step away from quarterbacking the Colts.
"I'm gonna be quarterback of the Pats instead," Bieber said. "They're offering me more money, and I don't wanna be associated with those loser Colts."
Cleveland Browns: Hue Jackson, RB, Pacific
It turns out that Hue Jackson is going to be even busier than we anticipated, and also busier than we anticipated again after the first-overall pick.
"Hue has done a great job at head coach and quarterback, even though I haven't seen him throw yet, so I think we need to put more on his plate," owner Jimmy Haslam stated.
Not only will Jackson be the head coach and start at quarterback, he'll be the running back as well.
"With Hue starting at both quarterback and running back, we can start 10 players on offense instead of 11," Haslam explained. "With 10 players instead of 11, there will be less traffic on the field, and our players will have more space. I think this gives us a better chance to win another game this upcoming season, and that's the goal for us. I can't wait for our one win. It'll be glorious."
Denver Broncos: John Elway, QB, Stanford
John Elway has tried everything, but he can't find a quarterback.
"All of these idiots suck, and they're soft," Elway growled. "We have to get stronger and meaner, rawr!!!"
While the reporters looked at each other and mumbled in confusion, Elway ripped off his suit and shirt to reveal his old Bronco jersey.
"I'm going to quarterback this damn team, even if it kills me," Elway said. "And even if it does, everyone will know that we weren't soft!"
New York Jets: Chief Hopper, Chief, Indiana
Robby Anderson has been on the mind of Jets' general manager Mike Maccagnan.
"We need to make sure Robby stays out of trouble," Maccagnan said. "He's our best player, and he needs to stop getting arrested."
So, how is Chief Hopper supposed to help, exactly? Everyone seemed confused until Anderson met Chief Hopper.
"F*** you, dirty cop!" Anderson yelled. "F*** you and your wife and your adopted daughter!"
Chief Hopper smiled. Suddenly, Anderson began to shake, and he collapsed onto the floor. A young girl, standing behind Hopper, stared angrily at the receiver, as blood trickled out of her nose.
"Ah, I'll stop, please!" Anderson pleaded. "Fine, fine, I'll stop getting arrested, and I'll stop acting like an a**hole, ahhhh!!!"
Chicago Bears: Peter Pujals, QB, Holy Cross
"It looks like the Bears are moving up for the best safety in the draft, Minkah Fitzpatrick," Adam Schefter said on live television.
Schefter, however, turned out to be wrong, as Chicago traded up one spot to select Holy Cross quarterback Peter Pujals. The move was questioned by many, given that Pujals is a small-school UDFA prospect, but that didn't seem to bother general manager Ryan Pace.
"Last year, I made a mistake," Pace admitted. "I moved up a draft spot to take an inferior quarterback, and I spent the rest of the draft picking small-school prospects. I've learned now that to dominate the NFL, you need to combine the two stratagems."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Daniel Carlson, K, Auburn
The Buccaneers were widely criticized for spending a second-round pick on Robert Aguayo. General manager Jason Licht apologized to the fans for doing so.
"I've realized the error of my ways," Licht said. "I shouldn't spend second-round choices on kickers, and I shouldn't trade up for them. Got it."
Maybe he didn't get it.
"What!? Why are the fans so angry?" Licht said, lashing out at his press conference. "I used a first-round pick instead of a second-rounder, and I traded down; not up. I thought everyone would love this pick, but everyone is telling me how bad it is. What gives!?"
San Francisco 49ers: Intervention
General manager John Lynch hit the buzzer on his alarm. It was 11:03 p.m., the evening prior to the 2018 NFL Draft. Lynch slept 41 minutes, but it was more than enough.
"Time to make some trades!" he exclaimed.
Lynch sprinted to his office and darted toward the phones on his desk.
"Trades, trades, trades!" he shouted, excitedly.
He stopped in his tracks suddenly when he saw that someone was sitting in his chair. It was a stern-looking red-headed man. His name, of course, was Roger Goodell.
"John, we all need to talk to you," Goodell said. Jed York, Kyle Shanahan and Jimmy Garoppolo stepped out from out of the shadows.
"We're here to help you, John," York said.
"Yes, you need to admit you have a problem," Garoppolo added.
"John, you're a great general manager and all, but you need to cut it with the trades," Shanahan said.
"Yes," Goodell said, standing up. "The other owners have called me and told me that they're annoyed by you constantly soliciting them for deals. You need to stop it before you lose full control."
Lynch leapt for one of his phones, but Shanahan tackled him before he could get to it.
"Need ... to ... make ... trades..." Lynch gasped, as two men tied him up in restraints.
Oakland Raiders: James "Sawyer" Ford, WR, Alabama
Jon Gruden came up with some clever nicknames as the color analyst of ESPN's Monday Night Football telecast. Apparently, however, Gruden got all of his powers from ESPN, as his nicknaming ability severely deteriorated with the Raiders.
"Derek Carr, I'm gonna call you the car because, uhh, your last name is Carr," Gruden said to his quarterback, one eyebrow raised. "And you, Marshawn Lynch, I'm gonna call the lunch because if you take the 'Y' in your name and replace it with a 'U," you get Lunch."
To his credit, Gruden realized that his skills have eroded, hence this draft pick. Sawyer has been able to help Gruden with some new nicknames, though most of them have been "Jabba" and "Stay Puft" for the offensive linemen.
Miami Dolphins: Nick Chubb, RB, Georgia
The Dolphins apparently want to make sure their running backs learn their lesson.
"We could have drafted Saquon Barkley, but he was too good," head coach Adam Gase said. "Instead, we went with a lesser running back to teach Kenyan Drake a lesson. See, we taught Jay Ajayi a lesson by trading him to the Eagles. Kenyan has to be taught a similar lesson."
We're not sure what Drake's crime was, though one source said that the running back deleted some shows off Gase's DVR.
"We have no plans to play Nick Chubb," Gase revealed. "But his mere presence and threat to replace Kenyan should be good enough."
Buffalo Bills: Pick Forfeited
You know, it didn't seem right that the Bills made the playoffs. So many strange things had to happen, including Andy Dalton converting that fourth-and-long, and the Chargers blowing tons of kicks early in the year. As it turns out, this was part of a blood pact owner Terrence Pegula made with Satan.
"There were three conditions in the deal," Pegula revealed. "The first was that I'd have to surrender my second-born son. That was no problem. The second was that we'd have to surrender our first-round picks for the next 10 years. But we have two this year, muhahaha! And third, Satan would make it so our fans would act like idiots, severely injuring themselves before and after games."
Ah, so that explains Bills Mafia...
Washington Redskins: Jay Cutler, QB, Vanderbilt
The Redskins surrendered an outrageous fee for Alex Smith, making a downgrade at quarterback by trading a third-round pick and a talented cornerback. They apparently weren't done.
"We're going to show Kirk Cousins that we can win with quarterbacks who are both older and worse than him," owner Daniel Snyder said.
The Redskins not only used this pick on Jay Cutler, but they also surrendered the rest of their draft selections for no apparent reason.
Meanwhile, Jay Cutler was reached for comment on these proceedings. He replied with one word:
Green Bay Packers: Olivia Munn, K, Oklahoma
Ted Thompson is no longer the general manager of the Packers, as he has taken another position within the organization. That doesn't mean, however, that he didn't have any sort of influence with this selection.
"It was my suggestion," Thompson boasted. "Don't think it's not lost on me that Aaron [Rodgers] has had exactly zero healthy seasons since he's broken up with Olivia. Now, Aaron and Olivia can be together forever."
So, what position will Munn play, exactly? Apparently, she'll be a kicker.
"Oh, there's no doubt that she can kick well," Thompson said. "Did you see those dog-walking commercials? She's no longer walking her dog, so her legs will be well rested for those 50-yard field-goal tries."
Arizona Cardinals: Old Running Back of the Month Club
Why draft one player when you can draft 12? That's the idea behind Arizona's selection.
"We had so much success with Adrian Peterson for a limited time last year, it sparked this idea," Cardinals general manager Steve Keim said.
Arizona will be delivered an old running back on the first of each month. By the end of the month, the Cardinals can ship that player back to headquarters, and they'll get a new old running back the following month.
"I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that we have a solid backup plan if David [Johnson] gets hurt again," Larry Fitzgerald said.
Baltimore Ravens: New Training Staff
We never thought he'd do it because of how close he was with the former training staff, but John Harbaugh finally did it. He replaced his training staff with a better one, so the Ravens won't have as many injuries going forward.