Last update: Tuesday, April 1, 2014. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
Follow me @walterfootball for updates.
Houston Texans: Johnny Manziel, RB, Texas A&M
There was some speculation that the Texans would pick Johnny Manziel to keep him in Texas, but everyone assumed that he would be Houston's next franchise quarterback. Owner Bob McNair had something else in mind, apparently.
"I had an interestin' conversation with Wade Phillips during my head-coaching search," McNair said. "He said Johnny Football can be an Early Campbell-like figure for the Texans organization. Earl Campbell was a runnin' back, so maybe Johnny Football was misused up at College Station. He ran around a lot, after all."
So, if McNair is willing to follow Phillips' advice, why didn't he promote the defensive coordinator?
"We were at lunch, and Wade's food came out well before mine," McNair said. "I told him he could start, but I really meant that he should wait for my food. Instead, he began stuffin' the food into his mouth like a water buffalo invadin' a pig trough! I ain't never seen anyone that rude before."
Washington Redskins: New Name
This was supposed to be St. Louis' pick, so what happened? We're not sure, but Daniel Snyder opted to trade his newly acquired pick in for a new team name.
"The Washington Redskins will always be the Washington Redskins, but I've acquired an alternative nickname that people can use if they don't like 'Redskins,'" Snyder said. "This new name will be the Blood-Thirsty Savages. The Washington Blood-Thirsty Savages. Because those with red skin are blood-thirsty savages."
The media was irate to hear this. Even Bob Costas, who has recently proclaimed himself to be 183-percent Native American, gave a 50-minute lecture on NBC that no one listened to.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Kirby Van Der Kamp, P, Iowa State
General manager David Caldwell used a Pro Football Focus article to justify his selection of Luke Joeckel last year. He said that the PFF metrics determined that Blaine Gabbert was much better with protection on his right side. After seeing Gabbert fail, he surely would take a quarterback this spring, right?
"Guys, I just read this SB Nation article by Brian Floyd, and he said that going with a punter in the first round would be the best move!" Caldwell shouted incoherently into the microphone. "Brian Floyd said that punters can throw feces at the opposition from the sideline, and that will distract them. This means we'll be able to score more touchdowns because the other team will be wiping the feces off!"
Poor Caldwell didn't realize that Floyd was taking about his own crap rather than what punters can hurl during football games.
Cleveland Browns: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
Johnny Manziel was off the board already, but that didn't stop owner Jimmy Haslam from selecting him.
"I'll do whateva I want! Whateva! Whateva!" Haslam shouted. "People say I can't fire a GM in one year! I did that! People say I can't fire a coach in one year! I did that! People say I can't defraud consumers of millions of dollars! I did that! Whateva! So I'm gonna take Johnny Footballs if he not on the board because I do whateva I want!"
Haslam also announced that he hired Josh McDaniels as the new head coach.
"I just hire Joshy McD today, great job by me," Haslam said while literally patting himself on the back. "Joshy McD said he doesn't want to coach in Cleveland but I hire him anyway! He not answerin' his phone right now and he tell me earlier that he's not comin' to Cleveland, but he's my head coach because I do whaeva I want! Whateva whateva!"
Oakland Raiders: None
We've seen some strange things happen at the NFL Draft over the years, but this might be the most bizarre of all. Roger Goodell took the podium and announced Oakland's pick...
"With the fifth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select ... wait a second, this card is blank!"
Raiders' general manager Reggie McKenzie planned on selecting Jadeveon Clowney, who inexplicably fell to No. 5. As it turns out, however, owner Mark Davis switched McKenzie's card with a blank one.
"This pick jibed with my ultimate plan!" Davis explained excitedly. "My goal in life is to be as cool as Captain Kangaroo! Do you think Captain Kangaroo picked some guy named Clowney? No way! But Captain Kangaroo had this cool haircut I have now! Look at my cool hair! Captain Kanagroo would be so proud!"
All McKenzie could do was bury his face into his hands.
Atlanta Falcons: Wolverine, DE/OLB, X-Men
Some analysts thought the Falcons didn't have the ammunition to move up for Jadeveon Cowney. Thomas Dimitroff spit in their face when Atlanta announced that it traded all of its first-round selections from 2015 all the way to the 2088 NFL Draft for the right to select Wolverine. They had to do this because Wolverine was not eligible for being drafted. However, a loophole in the rules states that a team can select such a player by forfeiting its next 74 first-round choices.
"We couldn't be more pleased to have Wolverine rushing the quarterback for our team," said head coach Mike Smith, who may or may not have been beaming (his eyebrows were covering his face).
The Falcons are addressing a huge need with Wolverine. Not only can he get to the quarterback; he can also use his regeneration skills to keep others from suffering injuries, which has been a huge issue with Atlanta.
Wolverine has already been of use, as he fixed up Sam Baker, who tore his ACL while getting out of bed.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Brienne of Tarth, OT, House Tarth
There has been speculation that the Buccaneers could use this pick to replace Mike Williams. The Buccaneers, however, apparently want to protect him instead.
"We need to keep Mike from getting stabbed, so we used this pick on Brienne of Tarth, who will be his sword and shield," Lovie Smith said.
Brienne of Tarth already has been of great use. Williams decided to go to the Ybor gay bar with his friends because they had cheap drinks (not that there's anything wrong with that). A large lesbian hit on Brienne, but it was all a ruse, as she planned to stab Williams in the leg with a knife. However, Brienne grabbed her just in time and snapped her neck.
Minnesota Vikings: Brian Billick, HC, BYU
The Vikings have already fired Mike Zimmer. And just like Leslie Frazier, Zimmer had no business being canned.
"I don't even know what I did wrong!" Zimmer shouted while cleaning out his office.
General manager Rick Spielman offered an explanation for those in complete confusion, including us.
"I didn't like the way Zimmer was breathing," Spielman said. "It was not good for team morale. In fact, I sense that it's the reason we're going to lose 10 games this year. Yup. Has nothing to do with the ridiculous amount of money I paid to an unproven commodity in Everson Griffen. Nothing at all. When we go 6-10, it'll be Zimmer's breathing to blame, and none of it is my fault. Thought I'd get that out of the way earlier this year."
Detroit Lions: Jared Lorenzen, QB, Kentucky
No one expected the Lions to draft a quarterback in the first round, especially with Matthew Stafford on the roster, but Jared "Hefty Lefty" Lorenzen will apparently help Stafford.
"I've tried everything to fix Matthew's mechanics, but he's just unwilling to learn," said Jim Caldwell, who usually has his mouth taped shut so he doesn't have to say anything. "Matthew is just lazy, so we're bringing in Jared to fix that."
The Lions apparently believe that Stafford's lethargy stems from his weight, so they want him to get into shape. Lorenzen will assist that process by devouring all of Stafford's sweets.
"Hey, where did my Kit-Kat stash go!?" Stafford suddenly shouted. "I had it hidden in my secret locker compartment, but it's all gone!"
Lorenzen, who had chocolate all over his face, simply shrugged his shoulders.
Tennessee Titans: Lache Seastrunk, RB, Baylor
The Titans apparently wanted to prove two things to Chris Johnson. The first was that they can find speedy running backs who suck on third down anywhere. The second was that he can't be dealt. Tennessee gave Johnson all of the resources in the world to facilitate his own trade. The front office expected him to fail, but Johnson shocked them by giving them proof that a team did, in fact, want him.
Chris Johnson showed the Tennessee front office this e-mail:
New York Giants: Jerome Bettis, RB, Notre Dame
The Giants had Peyton Hillis and Brandon Jacobs on the roster last year, so it's no surprise that they added yet another old, fat running back. Tom Coughlin, after all, said that he needs as many bodies as possible in the backfield in the wake of David Wilson's issues.
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though Jerome Bettis will be able to play in 2014. Bettis suffered an injury five minutes after he was drafted.
"Guys, I'm out for the year," Bettis said sullenly. "The workload was just too much. Just thinking about playing in the fourth preseason game took too much of a toll on my body."
St. Louis Rams: Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina
The Rams apparently love one-upping the Raiders. They signed Rodger Saffold to a cheaper deal than the one Oakland gave him, and now they're getting Jadeveon Clowney eight spots after the Raiders wanted to draft him.
Everyone praised this selection. Well, almost everyone. There was laughter coming from the Oakland war room.
"Now Jeff Fisher is never going to be as cool as Captain Kangaroo, HAHAHAHA HEHEHEHE HAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHE!" Davis roared.
Chicago Bears: Peyton Manning, QB, Tennessee
The Broncos and their fax machine problems. John Elway tried to send a fax of his butt to Roger Goodell as an April Fools' joke. Instead, a temporal vortex opened up, and a fax from a different dimension was sent to the commissioner's office instead. This one asked Goodell to void Peyton Manning's contract and make him eligible for the draft. Chicago happily scooped him up, as they needed some help in the wake of Jay Cutler's injuries.
For those of you who didn't hear, Cutler tore his ACL, MCL, PCL, LCL, rotator cuff, elbow, patellar tendon and Achilles tendon. He's also suffering from back spasms, migraines and sandy vag disorder. Thus, Manning is expected to start while he recovers, right?
"Jay's still our starting quarterback," Marc Trestman declared. "I don't understand why injuries would impact my decision. The fact remains that Jay is our guy, and in my world, a quarterback can't lose a starting job due to an injury, even when he happens to be injured."
Pittsburgh Steelers: Joey Porter, DE/OLB, Colorado State
The Steelers have made it a point to keep their aging veterans around, but they're taking it to another level now.
"We've paid Troy Polamalu and Heath Miller lots of money to stick around, but why stop there?" Mike Tomlin asked rhetorically. "We might as well bring back Joey Porter, Kendrell Bell, Rod Woodson, and all of the other old Steelers."
They'll all be getting huge contracts too. The Steelers handed Porter an 11-year, $180 million deal.
"Salary cap? Please!" Tomlin barked. "Goodell can kiss my a** with the salary cap. If he doesn't like that we're over the cap, then he can come here to Pittsburgh, and I'll show him what's what."
Dallas Cowboys: Mike Martz, OC, Washington
Is anyone really surprised with this? Dallas landing another coordinator is like Tiger Woods banging another slut behind his girlfriend's back. Believe it or not though, Jerry Jones has a plan for all of these play-callers.
"Scott [Linehan], Bill [Callahan] and Mike [Martz] are gonna get together, and they're gonna have a great ole game plan," Jones said. "They're gonna take turns callin' the plays. Bill's gonna go first because he's seniority, then Mike's gonna go because you can't let the new guy feel left out, and then Scott's gonna bring up the rear."
This may seem fool-proof in Jerrah's mind, but there will be issues. For instance, there's a bit of a conflict for the first three scripted plays for the Cowboys' season opener:
Play 1 (Callahan): Run the ball with Murray somewhere.
Play 2 (Martz): Sacrifice Romo's life to gain 50 fantasy points.
Play 3 (Linehan): Romo pass to Bryant.