Last update: April Fools 2009. Next update: Real mock update TOMORROW - WITH 5TH ROUND (not an April Fools joke).
This is an April Fools version of my 2009 NFL Mock Draft. This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. Click here to view my real 2009 NFL Mock Draft, which will be updated tomorrow with a fifth round. Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy this edition.
Detroit Lions: Aaron Curry, OLB, Wake Forest
Hey, look, I finally have the Lions taking Aaron Curry in my 2009 NFL Mock Draft! April Fools!
St. Louis Rams: Nintendo Wii
Last year, the entire Rams front office went mini-golfing to determine whom to draft No. 2 overall. The winner was customer service rep Kelly Kapur, who chose Chris Long because, "Like, oh my god, I want Chris Long because he like has such a cute butt!"
This April, the front office won't have the luxury of hitting a ball through a wind mill. Well, not a real ball at least.
"With this economy, we're going to have to tighten our belts," explained general manager Billy Devaney. "The owners have refused to pay for us to play mini-golf, so they decided that buying a Nintendo Wii would be cheaper in the long run. It comes with Wii Sports, so they're just going to have us play that to decide our draft pick."
So have they started playing it yet?
"Nope," confirmed Devaney. "Our new running backs coach, Sylvester Croom, has been hogging it. He keeps playing the bowling game, but refuses to bowl anything greater than 100. I guess he just doesn't believe in scoring."
Kansas City Chiefs: Peria Jerry, DT, Ole Miss
With the Chiefs making the change to the 3-4, they were expected to draft Aaron Curry or Brian Orakpo. New general manager Scott Pioli fooled everyone.
Luckily, we were able to obtain an explanation when Pioli was overheard talking to his BFF Bill Belichick on the phone.
"So, everyone thinks we're moving to the 3-4, eh? Well, I guess Glenn Dorsey and Tamba Hali weren't enough. We needed another 4-3 guy to throw everyone off our track. Now, when we come out in a 3-4 to open up the season, BAM! Everyone will be fooled! Everyone! Muhahahaha!"
Seattle Seahawks: Jeff Jagodzinski's Contract
When Boston College fired coach Jeff Jagodzinski, thousands of football fans criticized the Eagles for being unfair. One man in the Pacific Northwest, on the other hand, thought it was brilliant.
"Look, Jim Mora Jr. is a good coach, but he has issues," remarked Seahawks general manager Tim Ruskell. "Jim has a history of pining for other jobs while working for an employer. Our organization just wanted to ensure that he doesn't pull anything like that with us."
Mora wasn't pleased.
"This is bulls**t!" Mora exclaimed. "I wanted to interview as a coordinator for the local pee-wee football team! It's always been my goal to be a coordinator of a suburban pee-wee football team! It's my dream job! Ruskell is a jerk!"
Cleveland Browns: Spy Kit
Poor Eric Mangini. He managed to hold on to his job in New York because he caught a cheating Bill Belichick. Now that he's in a new division, the pizza delivery guy look-alike explained that he needed to dig up more dirt on the coaches in the AFC North.
"I'm sure they all cheat and want to steal my awesome plays, but I have to catch them in the act," Mangini declared.
So, has he found anything yet?
"No, I didn't get much of a chance to spy yet," Mangini said. "I've been busy playing with my other presents. I did see the body of a big fat man wearing a Santa suit hanging in Mike Tomlin's house, but that's not cheating. And besides, I know that's not Santa. My parents just told me that he's not real. I cried for days, but I'm OK now."
Cincinnati Bengals: Little Red-Haired Girl from Howie Long's Chevy Commercials
Marvin Lewis lost his mind.
"I can't take it anymore," Lewis screamed incoherently. "I've watched the entire NCAA Tournament, and I must have seen the same commercials a billion times! If I hear that damn little red-haired girl say, 'That is a little girl's seat. I'm a big girl!' one more time, I'm going to jump off a roof!"
After talking to a psychologist about his new sudden fear of TVs, Lewis decided to draft that girl.
"Well, the doc says that I need to confront her to get over my fears," Lewis explained. "But shh... that's just my cover. I fully expect Chris Henry to ask her out on a date soon. If she's busy with him, she won't be able to do any more commercials. Ha! My plan is pure genius!"
Oakland Raiders: Glandor, QB/RB/WR/TE/OL/DE/DT/LB/CB/S, Al Davis' Evil Lair
An avid reader of Emmitt on the Brink, Al Davis instructed his evil minions to construct Glandor in his underground lair. Four months later, Glandor was ready.
Glandor, even more impressive than mentioned in Emmitt on the Brink, measured in at 19-10, 2,546 pounds. He ran the 40 in 0.4 seconds. He notched a vertical of 562 feet and a broad jump of 94 feet. He did not have a 3-cone time because he accidentally ate the cones.
"Glandor... is a... great player," Al Davis spoke of his draft pick, who can play every position on the field. "Now... with Glandor... the Oakland Raidas... will win... the championship... Not even... commissioner Rozelle... will be able... to stop me."
Jacksonville Jaguars: Herman Edwards Motivational DVDs
Jack Del Rio had trouble motivating the Jaguars last year. No one even listened to him by Week 10. To prevent this from happening again, Jacksonville selected some Herman Edwards Motivational DVDs at No. 8 overall.
The change was almost instantaneous. The Jaguar beat writers, who brought pillows to Del Rio's press conference, were wide awake throughout the whole speech for a change.
An excerpt from Del Rio's press conference:
"Everyone is saying we need a cornerback, everyone is saying we need a cornerback. Well you know what? We need a backup running back too. Hello! Not a starting running back, not a starting running back; a backup running back. A backup running back! Hello! A backup running back!
"You know what we like to do, you know what we like to do. Hello! We run on first down... OK? We run on first down up the middle. Then, we run outside on second down. And then, we hit 'em by throwing short on third down! And we do that to win the game. Hello! We play... to win... the game!!!"
Green Bay Packers: Thirty Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers
Mike McCarthy wrote down his draft pick on one index card and his lunch order on another. Unfortunately, he gave the wrong one to Roger Goodell, who announced that the Packers would be taking 30 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers at No. 9 overall.
And if you thought Goodell was confused, you should have seen the look on the face of the Wendy's worker, who was left wondering if the Brian Orakpo was a new sandwich she had never heard of.
San Francisco 49ers: Michael Phelps, FLY, Michigan
When Roger Goodell announced that the 49ers would be taking Michael Phelps with the 10th overall selection in the 2009 NFL Draft, a loud noise was heard in the San Francisco war room. It was Mike Singletary, who dropped his pants and mooned general manager Scot McCloughan.
Singletary explained his actions.
"I told McCloughan I wanted winners. Well, he drafted a winner, all right. A winner at swimming; not football! Phelps can't play football. Can't play with him. Can't win with him. I can't coach for him. I can't do it."
Phelps did not comment; he was too busy hanging out with Chris Webber, Ricky Williams and Nate Newton.
Buffalo Bills: Heaters
Last year, the Bills lost a cold-weather game to the Dolphins because they were forced to play it indoors in Toronto. This year, owner Ralph Wilson plans to give Miami an even greater advantage.
"If we play the Dolphins at home in November or December, we need to make them as comfortable as possible," Wilson declared. "We'll install heaters on their sideline. We'll kick our fans out of the stadium. I'll even ask Commissioner Goodell to give them a 21-0 lead at kickoff!"
Denver Broncos: Graham Harrell, QB, Texas Tech
The Jay Cutler era is over. Upon hearing this selection, Cutler packed his bags and drove out of town. An hour later, Denver traded Cutler for a seventh-round selection. New head coach Josh McDaniels couldn't have been happier.
"Finally, I get to bring my own quarterback in," McDaniels exclaimed. "I missed out on Matt Cassel, but that's OK because Graham Harrell is just as good. Cutler's arm is just way too strong for my liking. I favor system quarterbacks who can only play in the shotgun and throw short passes. Those are the guys who win Super Bowls - not those crappy quarterbacks who have great arms and can make all the throws."
Somewhere in Denver, owner Pat Bowlen is meeting with Mike Shanahan, pleading for the old coach to come back.
Washington Redskins: Lombardi Trophy
Every offseason, Daniel Snyder overpays for old, crappy players. And every season, the Redskins predictably disappoint.
Well, Snyder is now trying a different approach. Instead of giving crappy players tons of cash, Snyder has just decided to pay for the Lombardi Trophy.
"Acquiring enough talent to reach the Super Bowl is impossible," Snyder explained. "That is why I bought the Lombardi Trophy. My Redskins will now be Super Bowl champions for every year for the next infinity years. I'm so proud and all my hard work has finally paid off!"
Oakland Raiders: Miley Cyrus, Tennessee
The Saints traded this selection to the Oakland Raiders for Nnamdi Asomugha. Al Davis said it was definitely worth it.
"I have... gone two weeks... without... sacrificing... a virgin..." Davis moaned. "I need...a super virgin... to make up... for time missed..."
Cyrus will join Davis for dinner this evening, where they will eat raw meat and drink goat blood. Cyrus will subsequently be sacrificed to the dark lord.
Houston Texans: Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
Hey, if Charles Davis thinks the Texans will draft Mark Sanchez, then the Texans WILL draft Mark Sanchez. Lock it up.
San Diego Chargers: Bio Weapon
After an early offseason cat fight, LaDainian Tomlinson and general manager A.J. Smith appeared to make up. Tomlinson even re-added Smith as a friend on Facebook. Well, looks can be deceiving.
Upon drafting the Bio Weapon, Smith launched it at Tomlinson's house.
"That was our plan all along," Smith explained. "I hate LaDainian Tomlinson. When he re-added me on Facebook, I told him I didn't understand the new layout, so I couldn't accept him. Well, that was true, but I wouldn't have confirmed him anyway. My dream was to unleash a Bio Weapon on his house, and I have. It's a proud day."
New York Jets: Bart Starr, QB, Alabama
Mike Tannenbaum came right out and said it. Brett Favre was a mistake.
"I'd like to apologize to all Jet fans out there," Tannenbaum said. "Apparently, I made the mistake of bringing Brett in. He just wan't old enough. We need to bring in someone older and more refined. We think Bart can win a Super Bowl for us, just as long as he remembers to bring his walker to away games."
And if Starr doesn't work out?
"Impossible," Tannenbaum barked. "But if he forgets his walker enough times and we miss the playoffs, I'll just fire Rex Ryan. Pretty simple plan, really."
Chicago Bears: Constants
Upon reading a report that newly signed free agent Josh Bullocks caused thousands of Saint fans to suffer nosebleeds and seizures, Bears general manager Jerry Angelo had to pull the trigger.
"That report on WalterFootball.com really scared me," Angelo stammered. "I watch Lost a lot. I sometimes watch the same episode 10 times in a row. That's actually why I never re-signed John St. Clair; I was too busy watching Lost. Anyway, some of the survivors started having nosebleeds and seizures because they didn't have Constants. I'm pretty sure that's what happened in New Orleans, so it's my job to make sure that doesn't happen here."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Matt McGuire, Western Kentucky
For weeks, everyone has been wondering why new general manager Mark Dominik paid $24 million to bust receiver Michael Clayton. The public received its answer the night before the draft when heroin needles were found in Dominik's hotel room.
Owner Malcolm Glazer, who was coloring his beard when he heard the news, broke down and started crying. Twelve hours later, he drafted Matt McGuire, a writer from WalterFootball.com.
"I'm an idiot!" Glazer cried. "I don't know what I'm doing. First, I fired Tony Dungy. Then I fired Jon Gruden! Then I hired some guy I've never heard of before. Then, I OKed the Clayton deal. I'm in way over my head. All I know how to do is color my beard and order for the pirate ship to fire the cannons at our stadium. Only Matt can help me now!"
Detroit Lions: Jason Smith, OT, Baylor
Hey, look, the Lions get Jason Smith and Aaron Curry. What a great day to be a Lions fan!
Philadelphia Eagles: Forfeited
Most people say, "Three strikes and you're out." Andy Reid says, "Three cheesesteaks and that's not enough."
Well, whether you're talking strikes or cheesesteaks, Philly fans are running out of reasons to be pissed off at Reid and the Eagles.
The first, of course, was letting Brian Dawkins go.
The second came at this selection. After spending 10 minutes trying to find a trade partner, Reid announced that no one wanted to move up in this economy. So, in honor of his tradition of getting rid of his first-round picks, Reid decided to forfeit this selection.
As Philly fans were foaming at the mouth, Reid announced that he would be trading the Rocky Statue to the Cardinals for a seventh-round choice. As part of the deal, all six Rocky films will have to be remade in Arizona.
Minnesota Vikings: Todd Boeckman, QB, Ohio State
Brad Childress envisions Todd Boeckman as Minnesota's quarterback of the future. But what about the present?
"Oh, Todd is one of the most talented quarterbacks I've ever seen in my life," Childress admitted. "I look at him as the Naufahu Tahi or Jeff Dugan of quarterbacks. But we don't have to rush Todd into action because we have the great Tarvaris Jackson. He'll be in the Hall of Fame after he retires."
Mel Kiper was seen laughing hysterically upon hearing Childress' quote.
New England Patriots: P.J. Hill, RB, Wisconsin
With top talents like Eugene Monroe, Brian Orakpo and B.J. Raji on the board, the Patriots shocked everyone by drafting one of the fattest running backs on the planet, P.J. Hill. But there's a method behind Belichick's madness.
"Look, I could have drafted Monroe or Orakpo, but why do that when I can take crappy players and trade them to the Chiefs or Broncos?" Belichick asked. "I got a high second-round pick for an old linebacker and a system quarterback. Heck, if I needed a quarterback, that idiot in Denver would have given me Jay Cutler for nothing. Forget drafting top talent; selecting crappy players and dealing them to Denver and Kansas City is the way to go."
Atlanta Falcons: Matt Stafford, QB, Georgia
I screwed up my evaluation of Atlanta's 2008 NFL Draft. I didn't think taking Matt Ryan would be the right move. My bad. I believed Mike Mayock was hyping Ryan because they were both Boston College guys. Oh, and I thought Mayock wanted to have Ryan's babies.
To make up for this, I'm giving the Falcons another quarterback. This time, I'll applaud when they draft Matt Stafford. Yay! Great move! Thomas Dimitroff is the man!
Miami Dolphins: Bingo Hall
Now that Wayne Huizenga is gone and Stephen Ross is in charge, the Dolphins were expected to head in a different direction. How different? Well, it's safe to say that this selection blew everyone away.
Ross ordered general manager Jeff Ireland to draft a Bingo Hall. According to Ross, there was a grumpy old lady at the team facility every day, ordering everyone around. Ross said that he was getting tired of the old lady, and he planned to lure her into a Bingo Hall.
Ross then held up the picture of the old woman and a look-alike to the right:
When Ireland saw the photo, he slapped his head in frustration and cursed, "We could have had Orakpo, Crabtree or Raji!"
Baltimore Ravens: Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois
Tons of 2009 NFL Mock Drafts have the Ravens taking a corner because their corners are so old.
Domonique Foxworth is 26. Fabian Washington is 25. Hmm... they don't seem to old to me.
However, the great Emmitt Smith once said, "These three years was a transitional year for him."
Well, if Emmitt is right and humans really do age three years for each human year, that means Foxworth and Washington are really 78 and 75, respectively.
Wow, now I get it. I may just mock the Ravens a corner in the first round of my 2009 NFL Mock Draft.
Indianapolis Colts: The Plaxico Burress Handbook
Bill Polian shocked the football world by announcing that he would welcome back Marvin Harrison - on one condition: Harrison must read Plaxico Burress' book, The Handbook to Hand Gun Use.
"Burress' book is an inspiring guide on how to use guns," Polian opined. "Marvin allegedly made the mistake of shooting other people. In his book, Burress states that you should only shoot yourself, preferably in the foot."
Philadelphia Eagles: Kevin Malone, OT, Dunder-Mifflin
Legally unable to forfeit two first-round picks and unable to find a trading partner, Andy Reid settled on 320-pound Kevin Malone, an offensive tackle from Dunder-Mifflin.
Reid addressed the media after the 2009 NFL Draft.
"Hem, hem. Injuries... Brian... hamstring... Donovan... uhh... shoulder... umm... Sheldon... quad... hem, hem... uhh... DeSean... uhh... cheesesteaks... uhh... no questions on Dawkins... time's yours.
"Our offensive line... something I needed to work on," Reid continued, even though he said it was the media's turn to ask questions. "Something I needed to fix. Hem, hem. You know... it's my responsibility... I need to take care of that, and that's something I need to do. I need to coach better. Uhh... Kevin Malone, Dunder-Mifflin, I love the guy. Umm... He'll be ready to go. He did a good job at the Combine... Hem, hem. He took some shots in there... uhh... and we now have a good football team coming in here. Hem, hem."
Every single media member fell asleep, so no questions were asked.
New York Giants: Dwight K. Schrute, Dunder-Mifflin
Perhaps inspired by Andy Reid's decision to draft a Dunder-Mifflin product, Tom Coughlin took Dwight K. Schrute off the board.
"It's time we get back to basics," Coughlin bellowed. "Last year, Plaxico Burress shot himself in the foot. Burress was also late to a billion meetings. I want a guy who will always be on time. Based on Dwight's work record, I'm confident he'll be that guy. I don't even care if he stays the night and re-arranges my desk when I'm not here; I want my damn, f***ing players to be on time!"
Schrute reportedly blew Coughlin away during the interviews. Instead of answering Coughlin's football questions, Schrute responded with some questions of his own, including: "Name all of the ingredients in Cocoa Puffs, alphabetically?" "What is the Dharma Initiative?" "Discuss the side effects of time travel?" and "What is the capital of Maine?"
As Coughlin was about to reply "Augusta," Schrute interjected, "Trick question: Maine has no capital."
Tennessee Titans: Super Mario Bros., Nintendo Game
When Albert Haynesworth signed with the Redskins, Jeff Fisher cried in his office. Was he going to miss Haynesworth's dominant presence on the football field? The way he debacled opposing offenses? Nope. Not even close.
"Albert will be missed, especially with his tendency to stomp on opposing players' heads," Fisher said with a tear in his eye. "Sure, he only did it once, and I pretended to yell at him, but it was awesome, man. I wish more of my players would stomp on the heads of defenseless players on the ground. We would have beaten the Ravens if we did that."
Now with the Super Mario Bros. game, Fisher will have the opportunity to stomp on walking mushrooms, turtles and flying bullets as another man with a mustache.
"It's fun, but it's not the same," Fisher whined. "They should make a game where the main character is a 300-pound football player and the bad guys are defenseless football players laying on the ground. I'd play that all day."
Arizona Cardinals: Bribery Money
Being the second NFC West team to get jobbed in the Super Bowl by crooked officials, the Cardinals aren't going to let the zebras walk all over them.
"Mr. Bill Bidwill usually doesn't let us spend any money this offseason, but because we went to the Super Bowl, we had some extra spending cash," Ken Whisenhunt revealed. "So, we figured, why not buy off the refs the next time we go to the Super Bowl? The Steelers did it twice. Now, it's our turn."
Bidwill was unavailable for comment; with some of the extra cash in his pocket, he decided to buy some cool new bow ties at the mall. Apparently, Bidwill was insulted that Bodog had a 1:6 prop that he would be wearing a red bow tie at the Super Bowl. Bidwill reportedly is searching for a neon green bow tie with pink polka dots to prove all of his doubters wrong.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Coal
As Roger Goodell approached the podium to announce Pittsburgh's pick, Mike Tomlin marched onto the stage and yelled at Goodell to get off. Tomlin then announced his selection.
"Santa's gone," Tomlin bellowed to a confused audience. "He'll never be seen ever again, though I think some fat kid was snooping around my house the other night. But whatever. That big, fat man was pissing me off, interrupting my press conferences and such. Unfortunately, the people at the North Pole informed me that I now have to take over his duties. So, I'm drafting coal to give to everyone. And if you don't like the coal, your body may be the next one hanging in my house."