Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2013. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
Follow me @walterfootball for updates.
Kansas City Chiefs: 16 Buckets of Fried Chicken, 32 Sides
Roger Goodell stepped to the podium to announce the first pick in the 2013 NFL Draft. Before he could even open the envelope, he was showered with a chorus of boos and obscenities from the crowd. Of course, Goodell was used to this. Ever since the lockout, he had become the most hated man in the NFL. At first it was difficult. He would lie awake in bed in the middle of the night, crying uncontrollably and vomiting all over himself. But those days are long gone. Goodell has learned to channel his emotions and block out all of the venomous hatred.
Goodell looked down at the envelope and noticed some sort of a yellow substance on it. "Mustard..." he said, as he sniffed it. He opened the envelope and couldn't believe what was on the card.
"With the first pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select... 16 buckets of fried chicken and 32 sides...?"
Andy Reid was seen smiling and applauding in the green room. He addressed the media shortly afterward.
"Hem, hem... uhh... injuries... umm... Dwayne got a paper cut... uhh... Jamaal stubbed his toe... umm... uhh..." Reid muttered as sweat dripped down his brow. It took Reid a while to get to his selection, but he finally let everyone know the thought process behind it.
"Uhh... I was glad to uhh... get hired by KFC... uhh... hem, hem... KFC's always been my favorite... uhh... I love KFC... time's yours," Reid said.
The first question was an obvious one.
"Andy," said the Kansas City Star's Adam Teicher, "you do know you signed with KC; not KFC, right?"
Reid stared at Teicher quizzically. He then took off his Chiefs' hat and gazed at the logo.
"Oh, no..." Reid gasped, appearing as though he soiled himself. "I... uhh... umm... thought this was KFC... I... umm... uhh..."
Reid got up from the podium and left the building, never to be heard from ever again.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Tim Tebow, QB, Jets
Another shocking pick in the 2013 NFL Draft. No one expected this. Forget the fact that Tim Tebow wasn't even eligible to be chosen in this draft; general manager David Caldwell previously stated that he wasn't interested in bringing in the former Bronco and Jet quarterback.
"OK, fine, fine, fine, I was lying," Caldwell admitted. "That stuff I said about Blaine Gabbert being a potential franchise quarterback obviously wasn't true because he sucks. Tebow, on the other hand, can bring in ticket sales and fan interest. Plus, he has a pretty good record as a starter."
For once, it appears as though the Jaguars actually know what they are doing.
Oakland Raiders: Matt Barkley, QB, USC
Chris Mortensen revealed that the Raiders are very interested in Geno Smith. If they were going to take a quarterback, it was obviously going to be him. But Matt Barkley? No one saw that coming.
Fifteen-year-old head coach Dennis Allen took the podium later than expected because his mom forced him to vacuum the house.
"I don't know why everyone thought we were gonna take Geno when Matt is so much cooler tbh," Allen said. "Matt gets like so many girls and tbh my friends and I are tired of just going to the movies by ourselves so it would cool if Matt used his powers to get girls to come out with us."
When asked about Barkley as a passer compared to Smith, Allen admitted that he hadn't watched any film on either quarterback.
"When my mom drove me to visit USC after the season, I hid in the bushes and watched Matt, tbh," Allen revealed. "I saw him walking around with like five girls and I took pictures of them, and that's when I realized I needed a friend like Matt."
Philadelphia Eagles: Jake Plummer, QB, Broncos
It's only been four picks, yet two ineligible quarterbacks have already been chosen, making this the craziest NFL Draft yet.
"Looks like the pipes in the NFL Draft are broken, so you better call the Jake Plummer!" Chris Berman exclaimed on ESPN's telecast.
Hundreds of Philadelphia media people gathered around Chip Kelly for some explanation for this befuddling selection.
"I'm new to this so-called National Football League, but from the three tapes I've watched already, I've recognized the types of quarterbacks who win at this level," Kelly said smugly. "Quarterbacks who throw tons of interceptions and lose a lot of fumbles are the ones you want to start. That's why we re-signed Michael Vick, and that's why we just drafted Jake Plummer."
So, who's going to start? Kelly shocked the media yet again.
"They're both going to start," Kelly stated. "I come from the superior Oregon program, and I can do whatever I please on offense. If I want to hold up pretty cards with pictures on them, I can do that. If I want to go for two each time, I can do that. And if I want to start two quarterbacks at the same time, I can do that too."
Detroit Lions: Jackie Chan, K, China Academy of Drama
The Lions have been under heavy scrutiny for their antics. Ndamukong Suh stomped on a Packer lineman a couple of Thanksgivings ago. Jim Schwartz wanted to fight Jim Harbaugh. Suh then kicked Matt Schaub in the scrotum. Detroit promised to clean up its act after that latest incident, but the front office apparently reneged on that vow.
"No more Mr. Nice Guy!" yelled Schwartz, slamming his fist on the podium. "I'm tired of getting pushed around! Jim pushed me and then Roger Goodell is forcing me and my players to be nice, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
With Jackie Chan now on the roster, Suh is expected to improve his ball-kicking skills.
"I meet with a King Kong Soup and I show a him how to make a kick and kirr other prayer," Chan said.
Schwartz beamed upon hearing Chan say this. "And trust me, with Jackie by my side, ole Jimmy Harbs isn't gonna mess around with me anymore! Oh no, he won't!"
Cleveland Browns: Brad Wing, P, LSU
Following the two ineligible quarterbacks in the first four picks, we've now had a kicker and a punter.
"This draft is making me so hungry; forget the buffalo wings, I can eat a Brad Wing, Tom!" Chris Berman once again joked on ESPN's telecast.
This pick didn't really shock many people, however. After all, Browns' general manager Michael Lombardi selected kicker Sebastian Janikowski in the first round when he was with the Raiders.
"I took Janisbowski when I was with the Raiders, and now I've come full circle to take the punter," Lombardi said. "Jack Wing is a hell of a punter. People don't realize, punters are important players. And Jack Wing's a blue-chip punter. To win in the NFL, you need to collect as many blue-chip players as possible, and now I have a blue-chip punter."
Somewhere, Gene Smith is smiling.
Arizona Cardinals: Jeff Locke, P, UCLA
Two punters in the top seven!? Now this is shocking. New head coach Bruce Arians didn't understand what all of the fuss was about, however.
"I told you guys, before the draft, that we didn't need a new quarterback," Arians said. "Well, we also don't need a new running back or a new receiver or a new tight end or a new offensive lineman or a new defensive lineman or a new linebacker or a new defensive back or a new kicker. Our roster is set. Except for punter. We need a new punter."
It remains to be seen if Arizona's roster is indeed "set." We'll certainly find out when the team battles the Seahawks and 49ers twice. Arians did say that Jeff Locke would be a big help.
"I read on Wikipedia that Jeff Locke is the brother of John Locke from LOST," Arians revealed. "Locke from LOST was pretty resourceful, so if Jeff is anything like John, he'll bring those resources to us, and we will be unstoppable."
Buffalo Bills: E.Geno Barkwilbray, QB, Buffalo Laboratory
General manager Buddy Nix is fed up. He's tired of not having a quality quarterback. He's also tired of missing out on the top quarterbacks in the NFL Draft.
"Why couldn't we have a doggone high pick last year when those guys named Luck and RG3 came out?" Nix lamented. "Now, there's not a true franchise quarterback in this doggone draft. Just a bunch of OK guys. So I put my scientist to work."
Nix's scientist apparently stole blood samples from E.J. Manuel, Geno Smith, Matt Barkley, Tyler Wilson and Tyler Bray at the Combine. He then infused a corpse with all of the blood samples. The new being was supposed to have the best traits of Manuel, Smith, Barkley, Wilson and Bray combined. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned.
"E.Geno Barkwilbray was supposed to have the best doggone abilities, but he has the worst doggone abilities!" Nix groaned.
This is true. E.Geno Barkwilbray is inconsistent. He misses wide-open receivers routinely. He leads a laid-back, Hollywood-type Southern California lifestyle. He has no arm strength. And worst of all, he spends every night throwing beer bottles at cars.
We believe that one day, Buffalo will finally have a franchise quarterback.
New York Jets: Russell Wilson, QB, Seahawks
Umm... we don't think the Seahawks are giving up Russell Wilson so easily. He's one of the top quarterbacks in football, so why would they willingly surrender him to the Jets? Rex Ryan apparently didn't think of this when he started his press conference.
"This Russell Wilson guy wins games, which is good, and he's gonna compete with the Sanchize," Ryan said. "Now, the Sanchize is my starter, but this Russell Wilson guy is gonna have every opportunity to win the job."
Ryan was then asked whether or not he knew that Wilson had been chosen in the third round of the 2012 NFL Draft.
"Oh OK, well, we weren't gonna use that Russell Wilson guy anyway," Ryan admitted. "That Russell Wilson guy wins games, but we have the Sanchize, and the Sanchize is better than any ordinary quarterback that wins games."
Tennessee Titans: Laurence Maroney, RB, Patriots
Mike Munchak wasn't kidding when he said that he wanted to find depth behind Chris Johnson. He already signed Shonn Greene, and now he acquired Laurence Maroney, formerly of the Patriots.
"We're tired of CJ2K's dancing antics," said a frustrated Munchak. "I keep telling him to hit the hole, hit the hole, but he just keeps dancing. We need running backs who don't dance."
Perhaps Munchak is overcompensating just a bit. Both Maroney and Greene are both slow plodders who can't move from side to side. Munchak acknowledged this.
"Oh, believe me, I know they can't move in three dimensions, but that's the type of runner I'm looking for," Munchak revealed. "Maroney and Greene couldn't dance if you said you'd give 'em $10 million. But that's good. I hate dancin'."
The Titans went on to give Maroney $719 million over 12 years.
San Diego Chargers: Leon Sandcastle, CB, Primetime University
Sorry, San Diego fans. A.J. Smith has NOT been fired. Apparently, the Chargers' paperwork to fire Smith got stuck in the fax machine, so the failed general manager will be around for another year.
Smith wasted no time getting to action. He re-hired Norv Turner and gave right tackle Jeromey Clary a 12-year, $719 million extension. He then used the 11th-overall pick on a fictional player.
"I've been out of football for a couple of months, but all this time, I've been hearing this guy on TV by the name of Leon Sandcastle, and then I checked out his NFL.com Combine page, and I said 'Wow!'" Smith exclaimed. "A 40 of 4.2... 19 reps on the bench... 46-inch vertical... 141 feet on the broad... 6.39 cone somethin', this guy is pretty quick!"
The media tried explaining that Sandcastle was a fictional character to promote the NFL Combine, but Smith wouldn't listen.
"Everybody keeps laughin' at me when I ask for Mr. Sandcastle's phone number, so I'm gonna have to fly out to this Primetime University to meet Mr. Sandcastle myself," Smith said as he briskly walked away from the podium and out to the parking lot.
Miami Dolphins: Manti Te'o, LB, Notre Dame
Manti Te'o admitted that he heard some strange questions from teams at the Combine. Everyone asked if he was gay, but some teams even wondered if he gang-banged with five dudes at once. Te'o just laughed it off.
"It's all fun and games," Te'o beamed. "It's something me and my best friend Frankay Taktua laugh about when we talk online. Unfortunately, he's in the hospital now after getting into a skiing accent in Hawaii."
Te'o was not surprised that the Dolphins chose him. First of all, Miami has made it known that it is really emphasizing the linebacker position this offseason. And second, general manager Jeff Ireland was the only person not to ask Te'o about his sexuality.
"Oh no, Jeff didn't ask a single question about that," Te'o revealed. "He just kept asking if my girlfriend is a whore. I told him no and that she wasn't even real. He kept asking me the same question though, but I guess he believed me."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Friend for Greg Schiano
The Buccaneers are not concerned with upgrading their football team right now. After all, they let Aqib Talib, Michael Bennett and Roy Miller basically walk away. What they're concentrating on is improving their morale.
"Coach Schiano is kind of a dick," Josh Freeman revealed. "No one wants to be around him, so it was just a matter of time before we all leave. So, we decided to all chip in and pay for a friend for Schiano with this 13th pick."
Schiano's new friend actually spent last night hanging out with Schiano. He described it as a "difficult process."
"Yeah, it was pretty tough," Schiano's friend said, burying his hands in his face. "You know what, I don't really like hanging out with this guy at all. He's a douche. I asked him if he wanted to go bowling, and he yelled at me for 20 minutes because he wanted to stay in and watch Downton Abbey. I was like, 'OK we can do that,' but he kept yelling at me. Ugh."
Carolina Panthers: Colonel Tigh, XO, Battlestar Galactica
How huge was the loss of offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski? The Panthers spent the 14th-overall pick on a replacement.
"We were looking at a receiver, a cornerback or a defensive tackle, but most of all, we need help for our head coach, Commander Adama," said owner Jerry Richardson.
Colonel Saul Tigh will step in and become Adama's "XO," or executive officer. Unfortunately, there's bound to be a transitional period for Tigh as he moves from Battlestar Galactica to the NFL. In fact, he nearly killed Steve Smith upon meeting him for the first time.
"I thought he was a fracking Cylon!" Tigh yelled drunkenly. "There are 12 fracking Cylons in the NFL, and I will make sure I will dispose of all of them!"
New Orleans Saints: Jaqen H'ghar, DE/OLB, House Black & White
No one in New Orleans is getting over the Bountygate penalties anytime soon. In fact, the Saints hold such a grudge that they're willing to do anything to dispose of Roger Goodell.
"With the 15th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the New Orleans Saints select Jaquen H... oh s**t," Goodell said on live telecast.
Goodell made a run for it, but Jaqen H'ghar appeared out of thin air and grabbed the commissioner by the throat. He then looked at head coach Sean Payton.
"You stole one death from the Red God," Hagar said to Payton. "A man needs to be told to kill another man to pay this debt."
Payton scratched his head and thought about it for a good minute.
"Keep him for now," Payton said. "Maybe we can use this as leverage in the future."
Goodell fell to the ground and cried in relief. Hagar, on the other hand, looked annoyed.
"Gods are not mocked," he said to Payton. "This is no joking thing."
St. Louis Rams: The Hound, OT, House Clegane
When Jeff Fisher said that he wanted to protect Sam Bradford this season, he apparently was being quite literal.
"We signed Jake Long, but that was just for football purposes," Fisher said. "We actually need someone to keep Bradford healthy off the field, you know, just in case some ninjas come out of the bushes and attack him."
Ninjas? Why would ninjas attempt to injure Bradford? The quarterback was next to address the media.
"I don't know how he's supposed to protect me," said a disgruntled Bradford. "The ninjas are everywhere, but all he does is get drunk and tell me to, 'sing, little bird.' I'm not a bird! I'm a quarterback!"