This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2012 NFL Mock Draft or 2013 NFL Mock Draft. Follow @walterfootball for news and updates.
Indianapolis Colts: Robert Griffin, QB, Baylor
(By Andrew Luck, quarterback)
Robert Griffin should be the Colts' pick. I'd say it should be me, but I'm retiring from football. I just don't have the passion for it anymore.
What do I want to do with my life? It came to me when I snuck into my girlfriend's apartment to delete a message I left on her answering machine. I want to finish what I started. I stayed at Stanford to get my architecture degree. That's what I want to do. I want to be an architect. And that's not all. I want to import. I want to export. I want to import-export.
I sent my resume into the great importer-exporter Art Vandelay, so I'm hoping I can land that job. Maybe my Stanford degree will help me, I don't know. But even if I don't get the job, that won't stop me from achieving my ultimate goal of helping young kids become architects. I just need to make sure they are average students who don't aspire to be anything stupid like city planners. Being an architect, an importer-exporter, is the greatest goal in life.
Washington Redskins: Anything other than a quarterback
(By Donovan McNabb, ESPN analyst)
The Redskins are evil. There's no doubt about that. I was a great quarterback when I went to Washington. Everyone liked me. But then Mike Shanahan ruined my career. He's the reason why I couldn't keep my starting job in Minnesota. Him, and Leslie Frazier and Christian Ponder. I was doing a great job leading the Vikings, but then Leslie replaced me with that idiot Christian, who was much worse than me. Leslie has an agenda to ruin me, just like Mike did in Washington, and Andy Reid did in Philadelphia.
Look, I just want another chance. I'm not saying I'm the greatest quarterback in NFL history, but I'm definitely the best quarterback right now. I don't think there's any doubt about that. Any team that signs me will win the Super Bowl. I guaranteed it. Unless, of course, the coach on that team wants to plot to destroy my career. That's been happening a lot lately. I don't know why that is. I'm a great quarterback and a great human being. I never whine or complain. I don't commit evil acts like Mike Shanahan and Terrell Owens and Leslie Frazier and Andy Reid and Jeff Garcia. Those guys like to see me fail.
I'll just sit here patiently by the phone and wait for the next Super Bowl champion to call me. I just hope that the coach on that team doesn't ruin... ouch... hold on one second... there seems to be some sand stuck in my vag. I'll have to continue explaining why some coaches are evil later, I really need to clean this sand out of my vag before I become irritable and whiny.
Minnesota Vikings: Matt Kalil, OT, USC
(By Mel Kiper and Todd McShay, ESPN NFL Draft analysts)
Mel Kiper: We'll take turns making these picks, Todd. I believe the Vikings will pick Matt Kalil, offensive tackle out of USC. You'd probably want the Vikings to go with Robert Griffin. They need a receiver, and you listed Griffin as a receiver back in the summer. Remember that Todd?
Todd McShay: I- err- umm- er- uhh- umm- derr- but Alphonse from the tanning salon said- I- err- uhh- umm- if he didn't work out at quarterback- err- umm-
Mel Kiper: What's wrong with you, Todd? Why do you hate Robert Griffin so much?
Todd McShay: Well, why do you hate him!? You had Griffin 20th on your board in September then 18th then 15th then 12th then you went up to 14th then sixth then fifth then you went up to eighth then second then third then second again. Alphonse, Georgio and Mike Shanahan have records of your big board at the tanning salon.
Mel Kiper: Because that's what prospects do, Todd. They move up and down big boards. Remember when you said that Brian Brohm would be better than Aaron Rodgers? What's wrong, Todd? Are you not watching film because you're too busy trying to have a great haircut like me?
Todd McShay: My hair is awesome. Everyone at the tanning salon says so.
Mel Kiper: If that belief makes you sleep better at night. Todd, listen, even if you had my great haircut like me, you'd still be making stupid calls like Brohm over Rodgers.
Todd McShay: What about Jimmy Clausen, Mel? What about Jimmy Clausen? I said he'd suck because he's only 6-foot-2, and you said he'd be the great thing since 24-hour tanning salons!
Mel Kiper: I- err- umm- er- uhh- umm- derr-
Todd McShay: Oooohh!!! Alphonse from the tanning salon is going to be so proud that I beasted the great Mel Kiper during our next mani-pedi session!
Cleveland Browns: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
(By Todd McShay and Mel Kiper, ESPN NFL Draft analysts)
Todd McShay: It's my turn to make a pick, you guys. The Browns really need a quarterback, and it's a good thing that Andrew Luck is available because Robert Griffin can only be a receiver.
Mel Kiper: Luck retired, idiot! Stop texting Alphonse from the tanning salon and start paying attention.
Todd McShay: Ugh, I must have missed it. Well, it sucks for the Browns that Luck isn't available, but at least they don't have to take Robert Griffin. He's way too short to play quarterback.
Mel Kiper: Way too short? Did you drink a bottle of tanning oil by accident? What do you mean he's way too short?
Todd McShay: Mel, I told you two years ago that Jimmy Clausen would bust because he's only 6-2. Well, Robert Griffin is the exact same size! You said Clausen was great, and I knew he'd suck, just like Robert Griffin.
Mel Kiper: I- err- umm- er- uhh- umm- derr-
Todd McShay: Face it, Mel. Like Alphonse always says, I'm the fairest NFL Draft analyst of them all. All you are is a haircut and a name. You'll never be as pretty as me.
Mel Kiper: Why would I... hey, quit touching my hair! Stop it. Stop it!
Todd McShay: Aaaahaha I'm touching Mel Kiper's hair, yay! I... wait... what is happening to my hand? It's dissolving! The toxic sprays you put into your hair is destroying my hand! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Mel Kiper: That's what you get for calling me out on Jimmy Clausen, punk.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: None
(By Jon Gruden, Monday Night Football color analyst)
Before I get to this pick of my former team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I'd like to give my analysis on some of these draft prospects.
Andrew Luck, I like to call him the Leprechaun because he's a very lucky quarterback. And not just because his name is Luck. That's just a coincidence. He has so much luck that you'd think he has a four-leaf clover up his backside.
Robert Griffin, I like to call him the Prosecutor because he prosecutes defenses. This has nothing to do with the fact that he got into law school. That's just a coincidence. The Prosecutor is going to keep prosecuting in the NFL.
Matt Kalil, I like to call him the Little Brother because he blocks real well. Don't pay attention to the fact that he has a big brother in the NFL. That's just a coincidence. Everyone knows that little brothers block real well, so that's why I call him the Little Brother.
Riley Reiff, I like to call him the Dinosaur because he's real ferocious and mean. What? He has short arms like a dinosaur? That's just a coincidence. Reiff is real mean and eats cavemen like real dinosaurs.
Janoris Jenkins, I like to call him the Bastard Maker because intercepts quarterbacks and makes them look so bad that their fathers denounce them. Oh, you're telling me that Janoris Jenkins has four bastard kids? That's just a coincidence, I swear. Janoris Jenkins makes bastards on the football field; not off the football field.
Wait, where was I going with this? Ah, screw it. I'm going to call Jaws up and make fun of him again for getting kicked off Monday Night Football. My nickname for Jaws is the Ex-Monday Night Football Analyst because he reminds me of a guy a long time ago who lost his job announcing Monday Night Football.
St. Louis Rams: Highest Bidder
(By Gregg Williams, former football coach)
Roger Goodell is a doo-doo head. Did you hear the news? He suspended me indefinitely for paying players to injure others. How stupid is that? I didn't think I was paying them enough, yet doo-doo head tells me that I can't pay them at all. What the hell is up with that? This is America, so I should be able to do whatever I want.
I now face a dilemma. I have all of this money, and I don't know what to do with it. Charity is not an option. I know. I'll call up my former players and ask me to do favors for me for money. Perhaps I should call a linebacker and give him $10,000 to get me groceries. And, you know, maybe he can punch a random shopper in the back of the head so the ambulance has to come and take him out of the store, which means there will be more food for me.
After that, I'll pay another player $7,500 to see a movie with me. And, you know, maybe that player can take a tub of pop corn and suffocate one of the movie viewers with it. It's often crowded in the movie theater, so having one less patron in there would be more pleasurable for me.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
(By Tim Tebow, great American hero)
I'd like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ for giving me the opportunity to make this pick for a Florida team. I love the state of Florida, and even though none of the teams there want me, I'm so blessed to be able to give them a better chance of winning the Super Bowl.
We all know that the Jacksonville Jaguars need a quarterback, but they can't take another Big XII project. So, I prayed to God last night, and he answered my prayers. He granted me the ability to bring Andrew Luck out of retirement and send him over to the Jaguars. I am so blessed to be able to do this, and I'd like to thank Jesus Christ for blessing me to be able to bring quarterbacks out of retirement.
I sO aNgRy ThAt bRaNdOn TrAdEd To ChIcAgO wHy He HaVe To Be TrAdE wHaT hE dO wRoNg NoW wEaThEr WiLl bE CoLDeR aNd Me NeEd GeNeRaTe MoRe EnErGy To StAb BrAnDoN wItH kNifE iF hE mIsBeHaVe WhY hE aLwAyS mIsBeHaVe Me NeEd StAb BrAnDoN mOrE oFtEn Me TeAcH hIm LeSsOn~!!!!!
Carolina Panthers: Time Expired
(By Charles Davis, NFL Network analyst)
OK, let's get right to it. Could the Panthers be looking at a quarterback? They drafted Cam Newton last year, but if they like Ryan Tannehill enough, maybe they'll take him. How about a running back? DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart and Mike Tolbert are in Carolina's backfield, but you can never have enough running backs. You can never have enough wide receivers either. Steve Smith is there, but Cam needs someone else to throw to. How about a tight end? The Panthers traded for Greg Olsen, but they may want another one. And then you go to the offensive line. Left tackle? The Panthers may look at that. What about a left guard? Or maybe even a right guard? How about a center? And then there's the right tackle position. Moving on the defensive line, the defensive end position has been a need since Julius Peppers went to Chicago. What about defensive tackle? Maybe the Panthers look at a Dontari Poe, or maybe a Jerel Worthy, or maybe even Billy Winn from Boise State. How about the linebacker position? Is Jon Beason healthy? What about Thomas Davis? Dan Connor's gone, the Panthers will really miss him. That's where a Luke Kuechly might fit in. Or maybe Sean Spence from Miami. How about the cornerback position? Morris Claiborne is an option, but he may not be here. How about Dre Kirkpatrick out of Alabama, or Stephon Gilmore out of South Carolina, or Leonard Johnson from Iowa State? How about a safety? Mark Barron, it seems like we're mocking him everywhere. He'd fit in Carolina. What about a kicker? Maybe the Panthers look at a punter. Or a long-snapper. What about a fullback?
I been rockin' this beast mode thang and this Skittle thang yeaahhhh. Yeaahhh, yeaaahhh, rockin' the Green Skittle thang and rockin' the Beast Mode thang yeaahhhh yeahhhhhhhh. Yeahhhh... beast mode yeahhhhhhhh... yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... rockin' dat thang, I digs it yeahhhhh... beast mode yeahhhhh... Yeahhh, rockin da beast mode thang. Yeaaahhh yeeaaaahhhh yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeaaahhh. Yeeeaaaahhhhhhh. Yeaaahhhhhh. Yeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh. Yeaahhh. Beast Mode, yeahhhhh. Yeaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Beast Mode.
Marshawn Lynch-to-English translation:
I am unbelievably astonished that Oklahoma State wide receiver Justin Blackmon has dropped to the 10th slot in the 2012 NFL Draft. Blackmon is undoubtedly a top-six talent, whom one team in the latter half of the bottom 10 covets much more than Notre Dame's Michael Floyd, per my trustworthy sources. Blackmon is unfortunate to be this year's target of contrarian bias. I do not understand the desire to denounce an NFL prospect who is pursuing his livelihood for the mere purpose of drawing attention to one's self by voicing a contrary opinion to the usual established persons of "appeal to prestige," if you will, who have dubbed Blackmon as a highly ranked prospect in the first place. This media-driven dynamic deeply depresses me, so I'll have to excuse myself. I shall retire to my quarters, where I will enjoy a packet of Skittles and read a Dostoevsky novel by the fire.
Kansas City Chiefs: Not Revealed
(By Todd Haley, offensive coordinator/psychopath)
People wanted me to make this pick for my former team, but I'm afraid I can't do that. What if they're watching me right now? What if they're listening in? What if they planted explosives in my body that are set to ignite as soon as I announce this selection? I apologize, but I can't do it. It's too risky. And if I were you, I'd be careful as well. Do you know how many people are monitoring that you're reading WalterFootball.com right now? They're all watching you. Listening. Waiting. Preparing to use their body explosives. You've been warned.
i try get walterfoot get me anounce colt pick if mock drafts but no a.lock anoune colt pick in mack draft. so i anounce cardnal pick.
cardnals take r.tanehall he not good as a.lock but cardnal loose in playoff game anyway!!! colt draft a.lock he better not imcpmplete as many time as p.maning or jim isray will have to suck more penas in lockar room with coach casewell for letting p.manning go to denvor.
isray and caswell probaly suck penas in lockar room anyway even thho isray fire cach caswell and higher new cach c.pageno. c.paegon come from raven who lossed in playoff to patrits when kickar mess easy kick even coach casdeell can make while suck iraray penas!!!
i am happy to have this pick because the Cowboys cheerleaders are cutiepies. i asked jerry jones a question. CAN THE COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS SEND ME SOMETHING? HE ASKED WHAT. I SAID CAN THE COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS EMAIL ME A PIC OF THEMSELVES IF THEY DON'T MIND OK PLEASE. JERRY LOOKED ANGRY. I ASKED CAN THE COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS SEND ME NACKED PICS OR BIKINI PICS OR TAKING A PIC OF TAKING OFF BIKINI AND BRA AND NACKED. JERRY KICKED ME OUT OF THE OFFICE. I SAID JERRY CAN WE BE FRIENDS PLEASE I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. HE SAID OK. THEN I SAID CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING OK PLEASE. HE ASKED WHAT. THEN I SAID CAN YOU SEND ME NACKED OR BIKINI PICS. AND JERRY SAID YES. MY E-MAIL I GAVE HIM IS aaron dot garcia twenty nine @yahoo
Philadelphia Eagles: Vince Young, QB, Texas
(By Bomani Jones, Around the Horn panelist)
Everybody knows the Eagles should draft Vince Young. Well, everyone who has some semblance of intelligence, that is. There are some people out there who look at Tim Tebow and say he's so great, but then they bash Vince Young. They say Young hasn't worked hard, yet he has a higher completion percentage than Tebow, yet Tebow had a whole offseason last year and did nothing with it.
Tebow is the worst quarterback in the NFL. There's really no doubt about it. Worse than Charlie Whitehurst, worse than Caleb Hanie. Because Tebow's not a real quarterback. The whole thing's like wrastlin', it's not real. When Tebow was winning, it was just wrastlin'. When Tebow was losing, that was the real Tebow. Just like when Vince Young beat the Super Bowl-winning Giants, that was real. The loss to the Seahawks didn't count because that wasn't real. It's not even close between Vince Young and Tim Tebow. We all know who the superior quarterback is.
New York Jets: Courtney Upshaw, DE/OLB, Alabama
(By Greg McElroy, soon-to-be former Jets quarterback)
This pick will be Courtney Upshaw. Mark it down. Rex Ryan is obsessed with him, just like he's obsessed with women's feet. Can you imagine if Courtney Upshaw had women's feet? Like eww!
OK, so, don't tell anyone this, but Mark Sanchez downloads bestiality porn like a fiend. I'm not kidding at all. Oh, and you didn't hear it from me, but Santonio Holmes rummages through random lockers and takes money - not enough to get caught, but still a decent amount. I discovered this when I spied on Holmes' going through Shonn Greene's things, and I actually saw a pair of women's underwear fall out of Greene's locker. I don't know if he wears it or not, but I set up a camera in his house to find out. I'll let you know what I discover.
Oh, and no surprise that no team wants to trade for Bart Scott. He likes to stare at everyone's wang in the shower. Not saying he's heterosexually challenged or anything, but yeah, it's pretty AWK-WARD!
I'm sure it's because your "NFL Matches" section is just the usual copy/pasta from other scouting report articles, but I literally spit out my drink reading you suggest Mixon as a fit for the Ravens. Zero chance that happens lol.