Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2012. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
Follow me @walterfootball for updates.
Indianapolis Colts: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
Radio City Music Hall is in complete shock. Everyone figured the Colts would pick Andrew Luck. A couple of contrarians believed Robert Griffin would be the pick. No one had Ryan Tannehill slotted to Indianapolis.
Did owner Jim Irsay do this so he could attract more Twitter followers? That was the initial belief before Irsay addressed the media.
"Peyton Manning gave me like a super-awesome tip, you guys," Irsay said excitedly. "When I called him to congratulate him on signing with Denver, he said that he had some inside info for me. He said that he watched Ryan Tannehill throw, and he said that Tannehill was like super awesome and that I like totally had to draft him with this pick."
Manning made himself available for comment, but couldn't stop laughing when asked about his suggestion. Irsay took this as a good sign.
"Peyton must be like super happy that the Colts are going to be like super awesome without him," Irsay said. "That's why he's like super laughing and super happy for the super-awesome Colts."
It's hard to agree with Irsay take on all of this. At least he'll have more Twitter followers as a result.
Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin, QB, Baylor
With Andrew Luck available? Would the Redskins select him over Robert Griffin? Not a chance.
"We traded up for RG3, so we're taking RG3," barked a red-faced Mike Shanahan walking out of the local tanning salon. "Why would I want Andrew Luck? I'm looking forward to having RG3 on my roster so I can ruin his career like I ruined Donovan's."
Shanahan tried to shoo the cameras away because they were messing up his tan, but he eventually relented and answered questions.
"Todd McShay, Alphonse, Georgio and I discussed Andrew Luck when we were beautifying our bodies today," Shanahan said. "The Colts must have passed on Luck for a reason. He must be crap. Now, if you'll excuse me, Todd and I have a mani-pedi to go to."
Minnesota Vikings: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
When general manager Rick Spielman hinted that he would consider Morris Claiborne with the No. 3 pick, no one took him seriously. How could he pass on a blue-chip pass-protector for Christian Ponder? Why would a Cover-2 team select a cornerback with such a high pick?
"At first I was just joking around, but everyone said I was stupid, so I did it to prove everyone wrong!" growled a furious Spielman. "From now on, everyone will know that I mean business!"
So, how will the Vikings protect Ponder? Won't he just turn into David Carr? Spielman apparently isn't concerned with such things.
"Protecting the quarterback is stupid - why would anyone want to do that?" Spielman asked. "In fact, I believe the opposite. I think the quarterback should be attacked at all times. That's why I hired 20 ninjas to randomly attack Christian over the next couple of months. This will prepare him for his second NFL season."
And if one of the ninjas beats Ponder to death with nunchucks? Well, at least the Vikings will have a shutdown corner.
Cleveland Browns: None
The Browns apparently won't be drafting anyone this April. In fact, they won't have any players on their roster by next week.
"IF NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY FOR ME, THEN I DON'T WANT ANYONE ON MY TEAM!" Holmgren screamed, throwing random objects at reporters.
Holmgren is furious because of recent rumors claiming that no one wants to play for the Browns, in part because the team president isn't dedicated to building a winner. Holmgren took issue with this.
"HOW CAN ANYONE SAY THAT!?" Holmgren bellowed. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GREAT PIECES I PUT AROUND OUR TALENTED QUARTERBACK, COLT MCCOY!? DO YOU!? DO YOU KNOW HOW GREAT MONTARIO HARDESTY AND GREG LITTLE ARE!? DO YOU!? HOW CAN ANYONE SAY I DON'T WANT TO BUILD A WINNER!? COLT MCCOY TO GREG LITTLE AND BEN WATSON AND CARLTON MITCHELL AND EVAN MOORE WITH MONTARIO HARDESTY IN THE BACKFIELD IS A WINNING FORMULA!!! BUT I GUESS NOT, SO THEY CAN THRIVE ELSEWHERE!!!"
In other words, the Browns will be 0-16 instead of 4-12 again. The fans probably won't notice a difference.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Williams, WR, USC
General manager Mark Dominik has been locked in his office for the past month. He finally left upon making this selection.
Dominik expected everyone to gasp or express some shock, but no one was surprised. The Wright contract made no sense, so the Millen-kielbasa story is the only reasonable explanation. But why does Dominik need Mike Williams?
"I can't have Millen sticking more kielbasa, LSD-laced or not, into my backside," Dominik said. "That's why I needed a 100-percent USDA Man, a young stallion, if you will, to take the kielbasa up the rear end should Millen break into my office again.
"Still so sore," Dominik whimpered. "So sore..."
St. Louis Rams: Bill Romanowski, LB, Boston College
Bountygate affected lots of players and coaches. Even New Orleans' general manager was suspended for eight games. But what about the Rams? What effect will that have on them?
"We lost Gregg Williams, which is huge for us," lamented Jeff Fisher. "I brought him on so he could pay our players to give other players concussions. We'll now need an alternative plan."
That alternative plan is bringing in players who will give concussions for free. That would explain this Bill Romanowski selection.
"RAWWWWRRRRR I WANT TO GIVE EVERYONE A CONCUSSION!!!" yelled Romanowski. "I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE RAWWWWR... I love everyone so much. I know I get people hurt, but it makes me so sad deep down insi... RAWWWRRR I'M GOING TO KILL OTHER PLAYERS RAWWRRRR!!!"
Jacksonville Jaguars: Chris Rainey, RB/KR, Florida
Gene Smith has reached before, but wow. Chris Rainey is a Day 3 prospect, so why draft him this early?
"Big people scare Blaine Gabbert, so we needed to draft the smallest person possible," explained Smith.
As Smith was talking, Gabbert ran out of the draft room with poop squirting out of his buttocks.
"AHHHH A FLY!" Gabbert screached. "A FLY! A FLY! IT'S GOING TO HIT ME! AHHHHH!!!"
Miami Dolphins: Nick Foles, QB, Arizona
The last Dolphin protest featured 100 angry fans. The next one, which was planned minutes after Miami chose Nick Foles over Andrew Luck, might be a mob of 150. Perhaps even 160.
So, why did Miami go for Foles over Luck? General manager Jeff Ireland offered an explanation.
"We didn't feel like we could revamp our offense to accommodate Andrew," Ireland said. "We have a great offense in place, and Nick is the one to run it. Plus, having Andrew would be too drastic of an upgrade at quarterback, which would confuse the 45 people in the stands every Sunday."
Ireland had one final tidbit about Luck.
"I have the sneaking suspicion that Andrew's mother is a whore, but I didn't ask him because that got me into trouble last time."
Carolina Panthers: Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
The Panthers already had DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart and Mike Goodson when they signed Mike Tolbert. Sure they wouldn't add another running back, right?
"My ultimate goal is to have 53 running backs on the roster," Ron Rivera revealed. "I want all running backs. Nothing but running backs. And then I will rule the galaxy."
Buffalo Bills: Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Minutes after drafting Kellen Moore, the Bills offered him a $100 million contract over three years. Moore had his wife in Buffalo and everything for the deal. It was an easy choice though because the next-highest bidder would have given him $3 million over four years. Still, Moore had to be convinced that Buffalo would be an "OK place to live."
"Buffalo seems all right," shrugged Moore. "It's not Boise or anything, but it does have an Applebee's, a TGI Friday's and a Dave & Busters. And, you know, the women..."
Why Moore over Luck? Luck apparently was too expensive.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't reel in Andrew," general manager Buddy Nix apologized. "That cheapskate Ralph Wilson wouldn't give me permission to give Andrew $5 trillion over two years. On the bright side, we feel like Kellen's arm strength really rivals Ryan Fitzpatrick's."
Kansas City Chiefs: Art Shell, HC, Maryland-Eastern Shore
The Chiefs are running through head coaches as quickly as the Raiders. Todd Haley and Romeo Crennel have both been fired in the span of a few months.
"I've had to ax two head coaches because they've been asking too many questions," groaned a frustrated Scott Piolo. "First, Haley kept asking if I've been bugging his office. Now, I have Romeo Crennel constantly asking where the cookies are. Damn it, how many times do I need to tell him that they're in the third cupboard!? Ugh!
"I hope you understand why I used this pick to add Art Shell to the sidelines," Pioli continued. "He won't bug me with any stupid questions."
Shell was available for comment, but didn't offer much.
Seattle Seahawks: JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
The major media outlets missed this story, but Marshawn Lynch has been really depressed recently. He finally announced his feelings to the world in an interview with WalterFootball.com yesterday.
"Yeahhh, rockin da beast mode thang," Lynch said. "Yeaaahhh yeeaaaahhhh yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhh."
With Lynch clearly distraught, Pete Carroll had to do something. That's why he spent this selection on JaMarcus Russell.
"If you didn't read my cool tweets, I posted a song that hinted that I'd draft JaMarcus so Marshawn could have a friend to talk about Skittles with," Carroll revealed.
Russell was also thrilled to join the power back.
"Haha I uhh... I like Skittle, do ya tink so?" Russell said/asked.
Arizona Cardinals: Baylen Brees, QB, Purdue
You can't fault the Cardinals for being desperate. After failing to bring Kurt Warner out of retirement and whiffing on Peyton Manning, Arizona is doing everything in its power to reel in the next-available Hall of Fame quarterback. That'll be Drew Brees, who will be a free agent after the 2012 campaign.
"We struck out on Kurt and Peyton, well, NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!" snarled Ken Whisenhunt. "We have decided to kidnap Drew Brees' son for leverage next offseason."
Yeah, the kid who wore the head set when Brees won the Super Bowl.
"We will make Baylen's stay with us as miserable as possible, so his father has to play for us to save him," Whisenhunt laughed maniacally. "We'll play loud music that his precious head set won't even be able to mute out! Muhahahahaha!"
Dallas Cowboys: 14-Year-Old Pimply Kid
No, Jerry Sandusky isn't involved. The Cowboys are bringing in a 14-year-old pimply kid to help Jason Garrett on the sidelines.
"Jason's goin' to be a great head football coach," said Jerry Jones. "He's just beginnin' his journey. But he needs some help along that path - someone to tell him when to ice the kicker or call a timeout in a crucial situation. Why not try a kid who's been playin' Madden video games his whole life?"
Things aren't off to a good start for the newest member of the Cowboys' organization, however. Cameras caught the pimply kid whacking off while using binoculars to spy on Jones' world-famous cheerleaders. No one had any comment.
Philadelphia Eagles: Gregg Williams, OC, NE Missouri State
This apparently has nothing to do with Bountygate. In fact, Andy Reid told us that he was too busy eating his lunches to hear about the Saints' scandal. Williams' addition to the Eagles will give Reid more free time to do something more worthwhile.
"Uhh... umm... hem, hem... uhh... I can now eat cheesesteaks during games... uhh... hem... hem..." Reid said. "Uhh... hem, hem... my doctor told me I had to eat cheesesteaks during games... umm... hem, hem..."
But why is Williams suddenly an offensive coordinator? Why not utilize him as the defensive coordinator and move former offensive line coach Juan Castillo to offensive coordinator?
"Umm... Gregg told me some good ideas about offense... hem, hem..." Reid said. "I can't... uhh... remember what he said, but umm... uhh... it was something about paying offensive players to kill defensive players... hem, hem... that sounds good to me."
New York Jets: Jeff George, QB, Illinois
More competition for Mark Sanchez? Why not?
"We added a good quarterback to compete with our Mexican quarterback," Rex Ryan said. "Now, we added an evil quarterback to compete with the good quarterback and the Mexican. This has been my ultimate plan all along."
Sanchez wasn't available for comment because he spent the entire afternoon crying in his bed. However, he was overheard whining from his hotel room.
"It's not fair. They gave me so much money, and now they want me to compete for the starting job. Life sucks! WAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Mike glennon got overpaid, no doubt. However, he's basically on a 1 year prove it deal. The Bears have no intention of spending all that cap money so why not take a flier on a guy like Glennon. And nobody wants to go to Chicago to play on a @[email protected] team, in @[email protected] weather and pay @[email protected] taxes. The bears have to overpay for free agents.
@Bac151 Thank you for pointing this out. I was going off of the fact that there were two charges, and working from the reason the second was dropped, the accuser stating she didn't want the media attention and settled out of court apparently. But you are right he wasn't arrested