Cincinnati Bengals: Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
The Bengals made the first sensible pick of the evening. Naturally, things went awry almost immediately. The ground shook. Lava started gushing everywhere. A dark figure emerged from the crevasse. It was Al Davis.
"The Bengals... stole my precious pick... and now... I will curse... their new playa..." Davis said.
Poor Cincinnati. How would Oakland's former owner ruin Dre Kirkpatrick for them?
"This new playa... will run... six seconds... in the 40-yahd dash... so he will nevah... be a great playa..."
San Diego Chargers: Abraham Clary, OT, Kansas State
Everyone has always had a sneaking suspicion that Jeromey Clary had some sort of influence over San Diego's front office. Why would he be allowed to start for this long? Well, now we have proof.
General manager A.J. Smith and Norv Turner were addressing the media about this unknown Abraham Clary when Jeromey walked into the room and ordered both men to stop talking. He then approached the podium.
"It's been fairly obvious that I've been the man behind the curtain - I've been the one running the San Diego Chargers," Clary said. "This is why I used my mind-control powers to have A.J. and Norv draft my little brother."
But that's not all. Clary has greater plans in mind.
"For my next trick, I'm going to force Norv to have his team unprepared for the start of the season," Clary laughed menacingly. "Why would I want to play hard in September and October? I want to bang hot chicks on my yacht. November and December is a good time for football to begin."
Chicago Bears: Lamar Miller, RB, Miami
The Bears must really hate Matt Forte. Despite signing Michael Bush in March, they felt the need to spend the No. 19 pick on another running back.
"We're giving Lamar one more dollar than we offered Matt," Lovie Smith revealed.
"Why? I'll tell you why," Smith yelled angrily. "I had a slice of pepperoni pizza saved for emergency in the fridge. One day I was hungry, which was an emergency, so I went to the fridge, and it was gone. People said that Matt ate it, so now he must pay. Or, to be more accurate, we won't pay. Ha!"
Tennessee Titans: Atomic Bombs
Owner Bud Adams said it. He told his front-office personnel to acquire Peyton Manning at all cost. He was quite serious, and apparently, he hasn't given up.
"If I can't have Peyton, then no one else can!" Adams screamed incoherently. He then had to be reminded what year it was.
Despite the confusion, Adams has ordered a nuclear strike on the city of Denver unless the Broncos surrender Manning.
"I gave Peyton a contract for life, and I meant that literally," Adams said. "If he signs with me, he gets to keep his life. Otherwise, he and everyone in that God-forsaken city of Denver will pay with blood."
Cincinnati Bengals: Mike Wallace, WR, Ole Miss
This pick makes too much sense for it not to happen. Think about it:
- Mike Wallace is only 25 years old, so he's about as young as the other prospects.
- Wallace is more talented than anyone available at No. 21.
- The Bengals have the cap space to pay him.
- They'll be able to fill a glaring need across from A.J. Green with a sure thing.
- They'll hurt their greatest rival by making this move.
Again, this is an obvious move, so how could it not happ... wait, what is this!? Al Davis has returned!
"I'm... going to curse... this playa... I'll make him... two tenths of a second... slowa... than he already does..."
Cleveland Browns: Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
Mike Holmgren apparently took the sand out of his vag. Rather than complaining about no one wanting to play for him and the Browns, he opted to add talent.
Unfortunately, it didn't work out. Justin Blackmon was last spotted in his hotel room, but he was nowhere to be found. He left a note behind:
Sorry Cleveland, I'm going to Mexico. I'd rather flee the country than play for Mike Holmgren. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but the Browns really, really, really, really, really suck. Thank you, and God bless.
Detroit Lions: Abraham Schwartz, Asst. Coach, Georgetown
Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh aren't done fighting, apparently.
"I'm getting my older brother Abraham to beat Jim up!" Jim Schwartz boasted at the podium. "Jim shoved me and called me a doo-doo head after our game last year, and now he said he'll knock me out if I don't give him my lunch money, but my brother will take care of him! He took karate classes!"
It'll be interesting to see how Harbaugh responds.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Peyton Hillis, RB, Arkansas
This was a special request by new head coach Todd Haley. He demanded that the team draft Peyton Hillis, or he'd step down from his position.
"Todd really wanted Peyton Hillis," said general manager Kevin Colbert. "He's been really paranoid about us putting bugs in his office even though I told him that we don't pull the same stunts the Chiefs do."
Haley's still not convinced.
"Special Agent Peyton Hillis is exactly whom I need," said a relieved Haley. "He and Chloe O'Brian assured me that they'll find any bugs and eliminate them. Then, he and Jack Bauer will destroy the terrorists behind all of the bugging. I just hope they don't try to kill me with poisonous gas or a nuke!"
Haley should be fine with the latter weapon, provided he doesn't attempt to sign Peyton Manning.
Denver Broncos: Bobby Brown, K, Cobra Kai
John Kreese Elway really hates Tim Tebow. He really, really hates him. Despite the fact that Kreese Elway shipped Tebow-san off to New York, he is still determined to defeat him.
"My pupil, Johnny Lawrence Fox, and I have decided that we have to make Tebow-san pay for attempting to bring shame to the Cobra Kai dojo by not giving my students his lunch money at school," Kreese Elway said. "So, we did what any honorable sensei and top pupil would do - we brought in someone who would sweep the leg."
And sweep the leg Bobby Brown did. Tebow-san was headed to church right after this selection was announced when Brown appeared from behind the bushes and kicked Tebow-san in the back of the leg. Tebow-san immediately collapsed in pain. It was at this point that Brown realized he committed a crucial moral error.
"Tebow!" Brown cried. "Tebow, I'm sorry. Sorry, man, I didn't mean it. Listen to me, listen to me! I'm sorry!"
God had the last laugh. Brown will be spared for being so remorseful, but Kreese Elway and Lawrence Fox will have to spend an eternity in Hell, where they will be forced to watch continuous Tebow highlights.
Houston Texans: Bruce Irvin, DE/OLB, West Virginia
The Titans aren't the only AFC South team bitter about not landing Peyton Manning. The Texans are also using the 2012 NFL Draft for vengeance.
Meet the newest Texan. His name is Bruce Irvin, and he has plenty of experience destroying public property. He'll have to change schemes with the Texans; they need someone to ruin private property - namely Manning's - for spurning them in favor of the Broncos.
Irvin was optimistic that he would be successful in his new home.
"Yeah, I am fully capable of toilet-papering houses and placing flaming bags of dog poops on front porches," Irvin said. "West Virginia's coaching staff only asked me to deface public property, but I've watched film on how to destroy private property, so I feel like I'm prepared for life in the NFL."
New Orleans Saints: Kyle Orton, QB, Purdue
Roger Goodell had a change of heart. After handing down a brutal suspension for Bountygate, Goodell suddenly decided that the Saints should have their original selection back from New England.
"I love everyone, and I don't want anyone to be mad at me," Goodell said. "I want to be friends with everyone in the NFL, especially James Harrison. In fact, I invited him over to watch True Blood Season 4 with me tonight. I hope he can make it."
So, whom did the Saints select with their pick? Another Purdue quarterback!
"My predecessor and I have always felt that Drew Brees is a mediocre quarterback," said general manager Mickey Loomis, who was recently promoted to owner. "Like Tom Benson said, Brees is mediocre, so if he doesn't want to re-sign with us, we'll just grab another mediocre quarterback from Purdue. They're all the same."
Green Bay Packers: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Andrew Luck is finally off the board - just 27 picks after everyone thought he would go. But why would the Packers need a quarterback? General manager Ted Thompson explained.
"Aaron Rodgers isn't a real quarterback - in fact, he isn't a real football player," Thompson revealed. "Haven't you seen those Discount Double Check commercials? The hot blonde, who won't return the 50 e-mails I sent her, says he's a dancer, and the hot brunette thinks Rodgers is a sissy. So that's what he is - a dancing sissy. We need a real man to play quarterback."
Rodgers was furious upon hearing this statement.
"You idiot, that was just a commercial!" Rodgers bellowed. "Everyone knows I'm a real quarterback! Right guys?"
Rodgers eyed B.J. Raji and Clay Matthews, but both dropped their heads.
"Should we tell him?" whispered Raji.
"No, let him keep thinking that he's a real football player," Matthews answered quietly. "Eventually he'll want to be something else like a fireman, and then we can stop this silly charade."
Baltimore Ravens: Katniss Everdeen, K, District 12
Katniss Everdeen serves two purposes. First, she'll replace kicker Billy Cundiff, who choked epically in the playoffs. She's an incredible markswoman, so she won't ever miss chip-shot field goals. Second, she assassinated Cundiff - or that's the scuttlebutt, at least. John Harbaugh won't admit it though.
"Did I hear that Billy Cundiff died?" Harbaugh asked. "Nope. I don't even know who that is. Who the hell is Billy Cundiff? Never heard of him."
Cundiff's body was found near a cornucopia with an arrow lodged into his knee. There is no funeral planned for him.
"Funeral? I didn't hear anything about a funeral," said Joe Flacco. "Funeral for whom? Billy Cundiff? Who's that, some stupid actor? No one cares about some idiot kicker who may or may not be named Billy Cundiff, even if he somehow managed to cost me a chance at eternal glory, F***ING A**HOLE!"
San Francisco 49ers: John Harbaugh, HC, Miami of Ohio
Jim Schwartz took things to another level when he drafted his older brother to beat up Jim Harbaugh. Harbaugh countered by selecting his own older brother to help defeat the Schwartz clan.
"Schwartz's older brother gave me some noogies and wedgies, so John is going to do the same to both of those losers," Jim Harbaugh said confidently. "We'll show them that you can't bully the Harbaughs around and get away with it."
Schwartz was taken aback that Harbaugh would pull the same stunt he did.
"Jim Harbaugh is such a copycat," Schwartz said in frustration. "He won't be able to get away with this. This means war. I'm going to get my dad to beat him up, and then that'll be that."
Or they could just act like men and come to an understanding.
New England Patriots: Rosie O'Donnell, NT, McDonald's
Tom Brady hasn't won a Super Bowl since February 2005 because he's been distracted. Yes, owner Bob Kraft has finally acknowledged that Brady's obsession with banging as many supermodels as possible has interfered with his winning.
"It's a shame that Tom's career has been derailed by his quest to bang 20,000 supermodels per year," said a sullen Kraft. "Fortunately, Bill [Belichick] and I have come up with a solution."
The solution is Rosie O'Donnell, a nose tackle out of McDonald's. O'Donnell was drafted to be Brady's new wife, and since she weighs close to 1,000 pounds, Brady wouldn't want to bang her.
Unfortunately, this plan backfired.
"We're sad to report that Rosie ate Tom Brady," Kraft said with a tear in his eye. "I didn't think they'd try to bang, but they did, and O'Donnell ate him by accident."
O'Donnell, meanwhile, didn't seem too upset that she ate her husband.
"TOM TOM IS NOM NOM NOM NOM," O'Donnell said.
So, she ate him by accident, eh?
New York Giants: Jeremy Lin, G, Harvard
How is a 6-3, 200-pound Asian man going to play on the Giants' offensive line? Tom Coughlin didn't appear to address Lin's size after the pick.
"I heard there was a guard willing to play for a New York team who's pretty good, so we just had to draft him," Coughlin said.
Coughlin, of course, has been out of the loop. He's spent the previous three months in surgery. His face actually fell off after the playoff victory over the Packers, so the doctors had to reattach it. No one knew it at the time, but the man coaching the Giants in the NFC Championship and the Super Bowl wasn't Tom Coughlin; it was, in fact, his twin brother, Abraham Coughlin.
"We look the same, so no one knew the difference," Tom Coughlin smirked. "But it feels good to have my face back. Being in that hospital for three months was no fun."
Meanwhile, Eli Manning was thrilled to have Lin protecting him.
"Jeremy Lin is a great player I've watched so many of his basketball games he was great I know he can be great in football and everyone loves him like everyone loves me now even though everyone hated me before when I didn't win but now that I win everyone loves me and I was on Letterman recently and that was fun I like playing football I want to win more Super Bowls and Lin will help me do that and maybe I'll play Peyton in the Super Bowl Peyton's now on the Broncos they kicked Tim Tebow out I'm glad Peyton went there because we don't have to play twice a year and Tom Brady has been eaten so he can't beat Peyton so maybe we'll have that all-Manning Super Bowl and Lin will help block and then we'll win 24-21," Manning said.