Last update: Wednesday, April 1, 2015. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jameis Winston & Gift Certificates, QB, FSU
"With the first pick in the 2015 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select ... Jameis Winston and gift certificates!" Roger Goodell announced on April 30.
Many in the Chicago audience clapped in approval, but one man's applause rang louder than the others.
"Bravo, Bucs!" he cried happily. "Bravo!"
The man was none other than the owner of Mons Venus, one of the most famous strip clubs in the nation. He noted that he was thrilled to have the Florida State quarterback in town - so much so that he was willing to give him free gift certificates as incentive to bring friends.
"We've already spoken to Jameis, and he told us that he will be our best customer for the next 15 years," the Mons Venus owner said with a tear in his eye. "Jameis is single-handedly going to put my daughter through college. In fact, I'd like to announce something. Everyone, gather around. From here on, Mons Venus shall now be known as Mons Jameis!"
Jameis shook the owner's hand.
"I'd like to thank the Tampa Bay Lightning for selecting me," Winston beamed. "I can't wait to spend every single dollar I have at Mons Jameis ... oh, football? Yeah, I suppose I'll do some of that too."
Tennessee Titans: Mike Vogel, QB, Under the Dome
When Chris Mortensen first reported that the Titans were sticking with Zach Mettenberger, many assumed it was because Tennessee had faith in him as a quarterback. Now, in the wake of this draft selection, it appears as though Tennessee has a completely different agenda.
"Look at Mike Vogel!" Ken Whisenhunt shouted incoherently. "He and Zach look like they can be long-lost twins!"
"They look so alike that opposing teams won't know which one's which!" Whisenhunt spat into the microphone. "It's going to be so awesome, just think of the crazy offenses we're going to run. They'll both be on the field at the same time, and the other team won't know which guy to tackle!"
And then things got weird.
"Oh Zach and Mike," Whisenhunt said, staring lovingly at the picture. "You guys are so beautiful, and now I have you both... I have you both..."
Jacksonville Jaguars: Pamela Anderson, WR, Baywatch
Jacksonville's greatest concern isn't the poor offensive line, shoddy running back corps or leaky secondary. General manager David Caldwell addressed the media right after making this surprising selection.
"Our biggest need this offseason was finding a lifeguard for the pool at our stadium," Caldwell said. "We had to find one at all cost, and we were concerned about the Raiders taking Miss Anderson; otherwise, we would've traded back."
It comes as no surprise that Caldwell was desperate to land Anderson after tragedy struck in the home finale.
"That poor fat kid," Caldwell said solemnly. "He should have known not to take a dip seconds after devouring that hot dog, but we wouldn't have lost him if we had a lifeguard on the stand. We should have known - if you build a pool, you must have lifeguards!"
Oakland Raiders: Magic Mirror, C, Enchanted Forest
With Pamela Anderson off the board, the Raiders' selection seemed obvious to most, but from the sound of it, the Magic Mirror was what Mark Davis coveted all along.
"Tony Sparano and Greg Olson are both gone because they didn't compliment me for my Captain Kangaroo haircut," Davis explained. "It doesn't matter how good of a coach you are; you're not sticking around here if you don't like my Captain Kangaroo haircut, and that's that."
Perhaps that would explain why general manager Reggie McKenzie has a long leash. McKenzie stroked Davis' hair lovingly throughout the press conference.
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the fairest Captain Kangaroo haircut of all?" Davis asked while gazing into the mirror.
"Famed is thine Captain Kangaroo haircut, Mr. Davis," the mirror replied. "But a lovely maid with a fairer Captain Kangaroo haircut, I see. Mr. Jon Gruden, on Monday Night Football, has a more lovely Captain Kangaroo haircut than thee."
Davis spat at the ground and stormed off, muttering something under his breath.
Washington Redskins: Vineyard, OT/G, Grapes
History was made at the 2015 NFL Draft, as Vineyard, OT/G, Grapes became the first vineyard to ever be drafted in the top five.
"We're pleased to add a vineyard to our team, as we believed it was our biggest need heading into the offseason," Daniel Snyder said. "I've realized my mistake - the reason why we've underperformed lately. It's because I babied Robert [Griffin] too much."
The solution? It all has to do with the vineyard.
"I will no longer feed Robert grapes," Snyder revealed. "Robert will now have to pick his own grapes. Perhaps that'll make him a tougher human being."
It's safe to say that Griffin was displeased.
"How utterly horrible," Griffin said, looking distraught. "How can I possibly pick my own grapes? What if I prick one of my fingers and draw blood? Maybe one of you reporters can do it for me? And then feed me? Please? Any takers?"
No one replied to Griffin's desperate request.
New York Jets: Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State
If you're wondering whether the Jets made this selection to rub it in Rex Ryan's face? The short answer? Yes.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA WE GOT ANOTHER CORNERBACK NOW THAT REX IS GONE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" general manager Mike Maccagnan laughed hysterically. And then he did something shocking. He ripped open his skin, and out popped former general manager John Idzik!
"I was never fired; I just pretended to be someone else!" Idzik sneered. "Many suspected that Maccagnan and I were the same person all along, and they were right hehehehehe! My sole plan was to make Rex Ryan's life miserable, and the plot is finally complete hehehehehehehe."
The camera panned to Ryan, who was in tears.
Chicago Bears: Tin Man, WR, Oz
The Bears were expected to bring in a receiver to replace Brandon Marshall. Perhaps Kevin White or Amari Cooper... maybe even DeVante Parker. No one saw this coming.
"We believe Tin Man will be a great addition to our roster," John Fox said.
So, why the Tin Man? Fox believes that he'll have a profound impact on Jay Cutler.
"Tin Man didn't have a heart, and now he does," Fox explained. "Jay has no heart now, so perhaps Tin Man will show Cutler how to get a heart."
Cutler was then asked how he feels about Tin Man joining the roster.
"I dunno, I don't care," Cutler said indifferently.
"Jay still has a long way to go, but Tin Man will help get the job done," Fox said.
Atlanta Falcons: Lindsay Czarniak, S, James Madison
The Falcons will no longer be pumping artificial noise in their stadium after getting caught this past season. They are now trying to adapt, beginning with this selection.
"Lindsay Czarniak has such a shrill voice that having her speak at our home games will have an even greater impact than the fake crowd noise," Arthur Blank said.
Czarniak then began to speak, prompting everyone to cover their ears. Unfortunately, Thomas Dimitroff wasn't quick enough. Czarniak's awful voice caused blood to gush out of his ears.
"Sorry Thomas, but that is a preview of what is going to happen to the other team," Blank said while twirling his mustache.
New York Giants: Sandcastle, DT, Beach
"We were looking at Randy Gregory, but then we saw this picture," Jerry Reese said while plugging in the projector, which revealed this:
"Look at that flab," Reese said disapprovingly. "We need to get Eli into shape, and he won't be fit while playing in the sand, so we decided to complete the sandcastle for him."
St. Louis Rams: Bubble
BREAKING NEWS! The St. Louis Rams have nullified the trade with Philadelphia. The Rams will not be going with Nick Foles; they'll be sticking with Sam Bradford after all. The five fans in St. Louis moaned and groaned upon hearing this, but Jeff Fisher assured them that Bradford wouldn't get hurt again.
"From now on, Sam will have to stay in his protective bubble so that he doesn't get injured," Fisher explained.
Bradford, looking frustrated, was rolled in to the podium.
"What are you looking at!? Have you never seen a quarterback in a bubble before!?" Bradford shouted. "Hey lady, how about taking your top off!?"
The journalists calmed Bradford down by playing Trivial Pursuit with him, but this just made him angry after he and a fat, bald reporter got into an argument about who invaded Spain in the eighth century.
"It's Moors, you idiot!" Bradford yelled.
"The card says Moops!" the stocky journalist shouted back.
Suddenly, Bradford's bubble burst. The quarterback instantly tore his ACL and had to be carted off into the ambulance.
Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Peterson Sr., RB, Oklahoma
The Vikings have been troubled with their running back lately. Adrian Peterson has been reluctant to rejoin the team after how he was treated for disciplining his child. Peterson has refused to be reasonable with the team, so the front office has decided to bring in the big guns - specifically, his father.
"My boy Adrian will comply," the elder Peterson said sternly.
Peterson Sr. pulled his son by the neck with one hand and grabbed a heavy branch with the other. He then began to beat his boy.
"Bad, Adrian, bad!" Peterson Sr. shouted. "You will return to your team, and you will place houses on Boardwalk before Park Place the next time we play Monopoly on Family Game Night! Now listen to your daddy, or I'll keep hitting you with this branch!"
Cleveland Browns: James Dolan, OLB, Knicks
It's rare that an NBA owner gets drafted by an NFL team, but that's exactly what happened with the 12th-overall selection in the 2015 NFL Draft. Dolan was selected as a linebacker, but his primary role will be assisting Johnny Manziel.
"Johnny, you're a f***ing alcoholic, just like I was 20 days ago!" Dolan shouted with the faint smell of vodka on his breath.
"Uhh... James, Johnny's not here; he's in his rehab clinic," Mike Pettine interjected.
Dolan proceeded to make the trip to Manziel's facility and confronted the troubled quarterback. Manziel didn't take too kindly to the insults, threatening to keep Dolan off the invitation list of his next party.
"Too bad for you, James!" Manziel replied. "We were going to Chuck E. Cheese's for my next awesome bash, and now you're not going to go!"
"Oh, please, Johnny, please reconsider!" Dolan whined, changing his tune. "I really want to eat pepperoni pizza and play Skee ball. Please invite me!"
New Orleans Saints: Randy Gregory, DE/OLB, Nebraska
The Saints signed Jairus Byrd last offseason. This spring, the next defensive player whose career they plan to ruin is No. 13 overall pick Randy Gregory.
"I'm excited to play for the New Orleans Saints organization," Gregory said in the press conference. "It's been my life-long dream to play in the NFL, and I'll do whatever it takes to..."
Gregory was interrupted mid-sentence by defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, who stormed up to the podium.
"F*** doing whatever it takes, let's go get f***ing drunk with the rest of the defensive players!" Ryan shouted prior to puking into the microphone.
Miami Dolphins: Jay Cutler, QB, Vanderbilt
Most teams had no interest in Jay Cutler this offseason. The Dolphins, however, are not most teams, and Stephen Ross is not your typical owner. Ross explained that Cutler was a solution to a current problem.
"As many of you know, Mike Wallace has been known to quit on us from time to time," Ross said. "And by 'time to time,' I mean every week. This is an issue, but not anymore. With Jay on the roster throwing the ball to Mike, the two of them can quit together. Two negatives equal a positive, so them quitting at the same time will help us win games."
This didn't make much sense, for many reasons, including the fact that Wallace is no longer on the Dolphins. However, it was later revealed that Ross coveted Cutler because of his wife, Kristin Cavallari.
"We only got Jay because of Kristin Cavallari," Ross said to an associate in a taped recording. "I care more about celebrities in the stands than wins, so getting Kristin to come to the games will be huge. I'm working on Frankie Muniz, so the two together will net a successful offseason."
San Francisco 49ers: Art Shell, OT, Maryland
Al Davis must be rolling in grave in the wake of the 49ers drafting his former tackle and two-time coach. Nevertheless, Art Shell will be wearing red and gold instead of silver and black next season.
"...," Shell said in his press conference. "..."
General manager Trent Baalke took the microphone from the mute coach.
"I thought it was very important for Art to coach our team," Baalke said. "I was getting tired of Jim Harbaugh calling all the shots. I'm the GM, so I get to call all the shots, and Art is incapable of speaking, so he's the perfect man for the job.
"...," Shell agreed.
Houston Texans: Hamburglar, ILB, McDonald's
It's safe to say that the Texans are concerned about Arian Foster's production and health. Foster has seen a decline in yards per carry and an increase in injuries the past couple of seasons. In fact, it all started ever since Foster inexplicably announced that he'd stop eating meat. Houston, well aware of the problem, appears to be taking measures to change that.
"I don't know how Mr. Kubiak did things around here, but all of my players will be eating meat, even if I personally have to shove it down their throats," Bill O'Brien said.
O'Brien's plan is simple. The Hamburglar will steal burgers from McDonald's and deliver them to his office. O'Brien will then use chloroform to subdue Foster, and that's when he'll manually shove hamburgers into his running back's mouth.
"No Egg McMuffins; only burgers," O'Brien added. "McDonald's is an a**hole company that stops serving breakfast food at 11, so there aren't enough Egg McMuffins to keep Romeo Crennel appeased for the entire day."