2015 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Wednesday, April 1, 2015. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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2015 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

Philadelphia Eagles: Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
“I lied when I said we couldn’t mortgage our future,” Chip Kelly said with sweat dripping down his forehead. “We had to do whatever it took to get him.”

The Eagles moved all the way up from No. 20 to No. 17, sacrificing their entire draft class in the process. They gave San Diego all of their selections excluding No. 20, and that’s not all. Roger Goodell made the final trade announcement at the podium minutes later.

“We have a trade,” Goodell stated, as the fans erupted in applause. “The San Diego Chargers will trade the No. 17 pick in the 2015 NFL Draft to the Philadelphia Eagles for all of Philadelphia’s draft picks, save for No. 20 overall, as well as Chip Kelly’s autographed football collection, toenail clippings, first child, second unborn grandchild, left kidney and eldest second cousin, as well as three iron ores, the Staff of Ages and the Master Sword.”

Sounds like Kelly gave up a bit too much. He could’ve just surrendered two iron ores instead of three.
Kansas City Chiefs: Maxx Williams, TE, Minnesota
“Hem, hem… uhh… umm… hem, hem… hem, hem… uhh… umm… uhh… hem, hem… hem, hem… uhh… hem, hem…,” Andy Reid said.

Once Andy Reid was done clearing his throat, he explained why he spent the 18th-overall selection on Maxx Williams.

“Maxx… uhh… hem, hem… Maxx Williams is a tight end and uhh… umm… he uhh… is not a receiver so, uhh… umm… Alex Smith, hem, hem… can throw a touchdown to him.”

Reid then revealed that he plans to run a five-tight end offense next season to bolster Smith’s statistics.
Cleveland Browns: Shaun Hill, QB, Maryland
This selection was confusing to most, as it’s unclear exactly how the Browns plan on utilizing Shaun Hill. They signed Josh McCown earlier in the offseason, so will Hill be McCown’s backup? Will he be the starter? And what about Johnny Manziel?

“I still believe in Johnny Football,” owner Jimmy Haslam said. “In fact, Johnny is the greatest human being since Mother Teresa. That’s how much I believe in him. But he’s going through a tough time right now, so we need to bring in another veteran quarterback.”

Haslam then discussed how his coaching staff plans on playing Hill.

“Josh is an old man, so we need two old men to make it through the season,” Haslam said. “We need old-men quarterbacks so no one in our front office texts them. Old men like Shaun and Josh don’t know how to use technology, so they won’t be able to receive texts. Therefore, we won’t get into trouble for texting again.”
Philadelphia Eagles: Brett Hundley, QB, UCLA
Many wondered why Chip Kelly surrendered a third iron ore instead of the No. 20 pick in the 2015 NFL Draft. Now, we know why.

“There’s some confusion over why we got both Brett and Marcus,” Kelly said, grabbing his side, as he was clearly in pain after losing his kidney to the Chargers. “Well, I’m going to be the first head coach to ever run a two-quarterback offense. Both Marcus and Brett will be on the field at the same time, and defenses won’t know how to handle us.”

Kelly then received some questions from the media, and it was clear that he wasn’t taking the criticism too well.

“Look, it’s clear that all of you reporters aren’t as smart as I am,” Kelly snapped. “But it’s OK, not everyone can be. Just believe that everything I say will be correct, and that I’m the greatest coach in NFL history. Go Ducks. I mean, go Eagles.”
Cincinnati Bengals: Brett Hundley, QB, UCLA
Everyone was stunned when the Bengals announced that they would be drafting Brett Hundley. First of all, Hundley was just selected by the Eagles. Second, the Bengals already have Andy Dalton and weren’t expected to take a quarterback.

“Those are stupid reasons not to take Brett,” Marvin Lewis snapped at the media.

Lewis, however, told reporters that he is not anticipating using Hundley at quarterback. Or Dalton, for that matter.

“I’m going to splice the two in a machine in my science lab,” Lewis revealed. “I’m going to take Brett’s physical gifts and mix them with Andy’s intelligence and beautiful red hair, and out will come the perfect quarterback.”

Lewis was then asked why he brought up the red hair.

“None of your damn business!” he shouted while walking away from the podium.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
What is up with these AFC North team selecting already-picked quarterbacks when they have established starters? Perhaps Pittsburgh wants a quarterback for the future? That’s what the conventional thinking was, but Mike Tomlin revealed that Ben Roethlisberger will be the one learning from Jameis Wiinston.

“What Jameis did recently was pretty impressive, children,” Tomlin said. “The way he was able to elude the enemy so easily. Ben can learn a thing or two about that.”

The media began asking what specifically Winston did on the football field that he could teach Roethlisberger, and that prompted Tomlin to chuckle.

“No, children, Winston was able to avoid a rape charge, and yet no one ever brought it up again,” Tomlin stated. “Ben had so much trouble with his, so Winston can give Ben and all the other children some pointers.”
Detroit Lions: Ed Hochuli, REF, UTEP
Most were surprised when they heard this pick announced, but there was a collective “oh, right…” when the audience recalled what occurred in the playoffs. The Lions, it seems, are not going to let that overturned pass interference penalty go. Matthew Stafford took the podium once it was clear that Jim Caldwell couldn’t muster the emotion to say a single word.

“We lost Ndamukong, but we got an even-tougher guy,” Stafford said. “Ed is going to make sure all of the calls go our way. If they don’t, he’s going to crack some skulls.”

Sterling Sharpe, who was sitting amongst the media, beamed upon hearing those final words.

“I’m going to pummel the next official who makes a poor call against my new team,” Hochuli said, as his muscles ripped through his short. “To do that, I am going to use my ears to listen to the call, and then my brain, using what I just saw with my eyes, will decipher how good or poor of a call it was. If my brain determines it was a bad call, I was close my hand, walk toward the official, and hurl my fist toward his face. The ref will blasted into outer space, where, if he wasn’t already dead from the force of my punch, he will suffocate from the lack of oxygen available beyond the stratosphere.”

And just like that, every reporter crapped their pants. Even Sharpe.
Arizona Cardinals: Mike Martz, TE, Fresno State
We initially assumed the Cardinals were bringing in Mike Martz to be the new offensive coordinator. Fortunately for the health of Carson Palmer, that’s not the case. Martz, conversely, was acquired to save Palmer.

“Mike was our top priority in the draft,” Bruce Arians revealed. “He has collected lots of Marc Bulger and Kurt Warner body parts over the years when he got his quarterbacks killed as the head coach of the Rams. He has stored these body parts in his freezer for such a moment. Now, he’ll use those body parts to fix Carson’s current and future injuries.”

Palmer was not available for comment, as he was in a cryogenic chamber.

“I’d get Carson out for you guys to answer your questions, but he would crumble to pieces if I did that,” Arians said.
Carolina Panthers: Brandon Scherff, OT/G, Iowa
Hey, look! The Panthers decided to draft a talented offensive lineman to protect Cam Newton.

April Fools!
Baltimore Ravens: Eli Manning, QB, Ole Miss
While the Cowboys are embracing people who beat women, the Ravens are trying to distance themselves from that dynamic.

“When I heard Eli Manning say nothing in that ‘No More’ public-service announcement the NFL put together, I… I… I… I’m sorry…” a tearful John Harbaugh said as he walked off stage, covering his eyes. He returned minutes later.

“Eli was so thoughtful in that commercial,” Harbaugh said, snorting his nose. “So convincing… so sincere… oh God… oh God…”

And just like that, Harbaugh left the stage for good. Manning was interviewed next, but he didn’t say anything. He continued to look into the camera, pretending to be upset.
Dallas Cowboys: Gary Ridgway, CB, Washington State
When will people decide that the Cowboys have gone too far? First, they bought the tapes that captured Dez Bryant assaulting a woman in a parking lot. Next, they signed Greg Hardy. Now, Gary Ridgway!?

“Gary’s a doggone great football player, and he’s going to help our football team win some games,” Jerry Jones winked, all while sporting his best Texas smile.

Ridgway, known as “Green River Gary,” murdered at least 71 women, but that doesn’t concern anyone on the Cowboys.

“Gary is a great cornerback, and I know he’s had troubles in his past, but we’re confident that we can work through them,” Jason Garrett said. “Not that I’m going to let him anywhere near my wife and kids, but as long as he helps us win on the football field, that’s fine with me.”
Denver Broncos: Adult Diapers
John Elway discussed “one specific need” when he thanked himself and announced that Peyton Manning would be returning next year. We thought it would be a new center, or a replacement for Julius Thomas. It turns out that Elway was referring to something Manning would have to wear.

“Peyton’s, uhh, gotten a little troubled in his old age,” Elway said. Before continuing, Manning walked slowly to the podium.

“John? John?” Manning asked. “John, where is Coach Fox? I need Coach Fox. My butt is dirty.”

Elway shook his head and apologized to everyone, all while thanking himself again in the process.

“Peyton, we talked about this,” Elway said to his quarterback. “Coach Fox is gone. Coach Kubiak is here now. Coach Kubiak will clean your butt now.”
Indianapolis Colts: Jim McNally, K, Fordham
This selection is quite understandable. After all, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

“If the Patriots can cheat and win the Super Bowl, so can we,” Chuck Pagano said. “Now that we got Jim on our side, no one’s going to stop us.”

McNally, the man allegedly responsible for deflating the footballs – though we all know others had a hand in it – will help the Colts severely deflate the balls.

“We’re not talking one or two PSI here,” Pagano said sternly. “We’re taking the balls to zero PSI. No, negative PSI. The balls will have minus-5 PSI. No, minus-10 PSI! No, minus-20 PSI!!!”

Pagano muttered numbers to himself and laughed maniacally until everyone left.
Green Bay Packers: All the Special Teams Players
The NFL made a deal with the Packers. Green Bay would ignore all of the talented offensive and defensive athletes if it could take all of the special-teams players with this selection.

“It’s all Brandon Bostick’s fault!” Mike McCarthy said, as foam came out of his mouth. “We would’ve won it all if it wasn’t for him! It had nothing to do with my poor, I mean great play-calling in the red zone, or my stupid, I mean, great inability not to recognize a fake field goal!”

McCarthy announced that he was taking steps beyond just upgrading Bostick.

“He’s going to pay,” McCarthy snarled, his eyes now bloodshot. “I’ve ordered a hit on him, and I told my assassins that I want his head on a spike!”
Seattle Seahawks: Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia
“It’s all about competition,” Pete Carroll said, speaking a million miles per hour. “It’s all about competition, and we need competition at every position because that’s how our team thrives – on competition, even for Marshawn, who is a fantastic running back, but we need more fantastic running backs and more competition, and Todd will bring that competition, but that doesn’t mean we’ll run the ball at the goal line, it doesn’t mean that at all, it just means we’ll have better competition, and that’s important, it’s much more important than what we do at the goal line, it doesn’t matter what we do at the goal line as long as we prepare and compete in practice, we’ll have success, though of course the level of our success depends on how much preparation we have and the level of competition we bring to the practice field, but not only just the practice field, but the games, and the walkthroughs as well, our walkthroughs are always fantastic, they really are, and it really helps us during the games, and not just during the games, but in the practices and the other walkthroughs, and also the mental preparation of the games and the mental preparation that has nothing to do with the games as well…”

Carroll kept talking, but we stopped paying attention.
New England Patriots: No Pick
The Patriots have forfeited their pick because Roger Goodell did a thorough investigation and found the team guilty of cheating.

April Fools!

Real 2015 NFL Mock Draft

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