Last update: Thursday, April 1, 2021.
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Real 2021 NFL Mock Draft
Jacksonville Jaguars: John Kreese, Cobra Kai
The Jaguars were heavily criticized for hiring strength and conditioning coach Chris Doyle. The former Iowa coach had a history of making racist comments and mistreating his players. When Doyle resigned, it seemed as though the Jaguars were making amends.
"We were very disappointed in looking at Chris Doyle's history," head coach Urban Meyer said. "We hired a guy who made some racist comments and mistreated his players. This is not what we were looking for. Chris wasn't taking it far enough."
Jacksonville's new strength and conditioning coach will be John Kreese, the former sensei of Cobra Kai. He'll do what Doyle couldn't do.
"If any of my players fails on the field, I'll sweep the leg," Kreese said. "And don't get me started on that social justice nonsense kneeling crap. If any of my players kneels, I'll slit their throats with one of my sai."
New York Jets: Matt Schaub, QB, Virginia
The Jets had tons of quarterback options with this pick. Many thought they would select Zach Wilson or Justin Fields. Trading for Deshaun Watson was a possibility before the lawsuits. However, Adam Gase had other plans.
"I understand that management tried to replace me with Robert Saleh," Gase said. "But I used my crazy eyes to turn him into stone, so I'll be taking over as coach again."
Jet fans can't be happy about this. Yet, there's nothing they can do.
So, what will Gase do at No. 2?
"The key to winning football games is to use the oldest players possible, which is why I gave Frank Gore all the carries last year," Gase explained. "People want me to pick Wilson or Fields, or maybe trade for Watson, but they're all too young. Matt Schaub just retired, so he's the guy I want. He's the guy who can lead us to victory."
San Francisco 49ers: Trevor Lawrence, QB, Clemson
In a bizarre turn of events, Trevor Lawrence dropped to the 49ers at No. 3. Somehow, Lawrence will be the 49ers' quarterback of the future. But not of the present, apparently.
"Nick Mullens will start Week 1," Kyle Shanahan said, bluntly.
Why Mullens? It seems as though Shanahan has an obsession with Mullens, as he failed to bench the struggling quarterback last year.
"I swear, I'm not in love with Nick!" Shanahan snapped. "Just because I had a chance to sail away with him in 1985 and didn't doesn't mean that I'm obsessed with him, or anything."
Atlanta Falcons: Joe Flacco, QB, Delaware
No one has seen Arthur Blank for a while. Come to think of it, the last time he made an appearance in public, Alex Trebek was still alive. We're not saying they were the same person, but would it be the craziest thing in the world?
The Falcons have let things slide since Blank's disappearance. In fact, no one even noticed when a sinister man usurped the head-coaching position away from Arthur Smith.
"I will be coaching two teams at the same time," Adam Gase announced.
Gase told the media that he turned the general manager into stone, so there was no resistance. Gase offered a solution to the Falcons' problems.
"Everyone wants the Falcons to draft Zach Wilson or Justin Fields, but that's just rubbish," Gase said. "They're both too young. We need an older quarterback to pilot the offense, much like Frank Gore piloted my offense with the Jets last year. We had so much success with Frank Gore, and now Joe Flacco will bring the same success to Atlanta's backfield."
Cincinnati Bengals: Vontaze Burfict Jr., LB, Arizona State
The Bengals were once a perennial playoff contender. That has changed in recent seasons, so the Bengals have decided to go back to their roots.
"We were so much better when our guys were getting into trouble," owner Mike Brown said. "Ever since we began drafting clean players, we started losing."
Enter Vontaze Burfict Jr., son of the long-time former Bengals linebacker. He's expected to bring some tenacity to the defense.
"The next time Antonio Brown runs over the middle of the field, I will decapitate him," Burfict Jr. said. "I don't mean that figuratively like my dad used to handle things. I will literally swing my sword and chop off his head."
Miami Dolphins: Mac Jones, QB, Alabama
Much was made of Miami's "Tank for Tua" campaign during the 2019 season. Thus, we were all shocked when the Dolphins made this pick. Not only did they appear to give up on Tua Tagovailoa after one year; they selected the fifth-ranked quarterback to fill that role when the other options were still available!
Appearances can be deceiving, however, and the Dolphins have other plans.
"Are you crazy? There's no way we're giving up on Tua," head coach Brian Flores said. "We simply need someone to take over for Tua late in games after he begins struggling. Mac Jones did a great job replacing Tua at Alabama, so we think he can do a great job replacing Tua when we're trailing in the second half."
Detroit Lions: Tutu Atwell, WR, Louisville
The Lions heard that the Bengals are getting back to their roots. They've decided to follow Cincinnati's lead and get back to their own roots.
"I'm back, and I'm going to draft so many young stallions and 100-percent USDA Men!" Matt Millen bellowed in his first press conference.
Millen, renown for spending first-round picks on wide receivers, was up to his old tricks.
"This Tutu Atwell guy, he stood out from the other receivers because he's a real man, and he's capable of handling a giant kielbasa up the backside," Millen explained. "Better yet, his name tells me he can wear a tutu while taking this kielbasa up the backside, which intrigues me because none of my young stallions have ever worn tutus while taking kielbasas up the backside."
Carolina Panthers: Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
The Panthers shocked everyone by what they were willing to surrender for Deshaun Watson. Three first-round picks and Christian McCaffrey seemed like enough to most. Yet, it was far from the price Carolina had to pay for Watson, even in the wake of his lawsuits.
"I've had to give up five iron ores, three mithril crystals and my first six children," head coach Matt Rhule lamented.
Rhule has just three children at the moment, but that wasn't an issue for the Texans.
"Believe me, we are monitoring the situation closely," said Texans general manager Nick Caserio. "As soon as the next three children are born, we will seize them and deliver them to our overlord, Bill O'Brien."
Denver Broncos: Von Miller Jr., DE/OLB, Texas A&M
We didn't know how the Broncos would react to Von Miller's interaction with his pregnant girlfriend. We now have our answer.
"Von Miller Jr. is negative-four months old, but we thought he'd be a great addition to our team," John Elway said.
The father was not to pleased.
"My unborn son is a total loser!" Von Miller Sr. snapped. "Mark my words, don't be shocked if he doesn't make the team. In fact, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen!"
Dallas Cowboys: Steamed Hams
Ezekiel Elliott was one of the best running backs in the NFL a couple of seasons ago. That has changed recently, as Elliott is coming off his worst year yet.
The problem, frankly, is that Elliott got fat. But don't just take our word for it.
"NOM, NOM, NOM, SO HUNGRY," Elliott said. "I GAIN 300 POUND, AND ME FUMBLE BALL A LOT LAST YEAR BECAUSE ME THOUGHT BALL WAS HAM, BUT THEN ME REALIZE IT WAS NOT HAM, SO ME LET IT GO BECAUSE ME LOSE INTEREST."
The Cowboys plan to motivate Elliott with this pick.
"Steamed Hams, or as I like to call them, hamburgers, will do the trick," head coach Mike McCarthy said.
Steamed Hams? Why is he calling hamburgers "steamed hams?"
"It's an expression from upstate New York," McCarthy said. "Not Utica, but more of an Albany expression."
The Cowboys' plan is to tie a rope around Elliott's forehead with the "steam ham" attached in front of him. With Elliott bound to chase this so-called steamed ham, he'll run harder and faster than ever.
New York Giants: Extra Hands
The Giants were a huge disappointment last year. Granted, Saquon Barkley got hurt in Week 2, but Daniel Jones wasn't able to develop at all. The Giants apparently have the answer.
"We need to motivate him more," offensive coordinator Jason Garrett said. "I was able to clap at him a lot, but it didn't work. Now, I've figured it out."
Is Garrett actually going to coach up Jones? Will he help fix Jones' flaws?
"We're drafting extra hands, which I'll glue to my body, so I'll be able to clap more!" Garrett chirped. "Two clapping hands didn't do the job, but can you imagine how great Daniel will be when I have 20 hands clapping at him at the same time!?"
Philadelphia Eagles: Kellen Mond, QB, Texas A&M
We thought that Eagles reporter Les Bowen was crazy when he predicted that the Eagles would draft a quarterback in the first round. It made no sense, given the Jalen Hurts selection from a year ago. Yet, here we were, as the Eagles were on the clock with Justin Fields and Trey Lance available. Despite Philadelphia picking Hurts last year, one of them seemed like the logical selection.
"We drafted Jalen Hurts just in case Carson Wentz got Coronavirus," general manager Howie Roseman revealed. "We never intended him to be our starter. You don't spend second-round picks on starting quarterbacks."
So, why Kellen Mond over Fields and Lance? Why are the Eagles once again picking a lesser talent over the consensus better player like they did last year when they selected Jalen Reagor over Justin Jefferson?
"We just want to take a look at Kellen Mond," Roseman said. "We wanted to take a look at Jalen Reagor, and we wanted to take a look at Nate Sudfeld in the finale. The Philadelphia Eagles franchise just likes to take looks at players."
Los Angeles Chargers: Vlad Tenev's Barber
Justin Herbert had a great rookie year. However, his only blemish was his haircut, for which he was rightfully criticized.
"I had one condition when I took this job, and that was spending this pick on a barber for Justin," new head coach Brandon Staley said.
We were optimistic about Herbert's impending haircut until it was announced which barber the Chargers drafted.
"We're going with the person who did Vlad Tenev's hairdo," Staley said. "He's the CEO of Robinhood, and wow, I was impressed with the hairstyle he sported during the GameStop hearings. Money can't buy you love, but it can certainly buy you great haircuts like this:"
Minnesota Vikings: Fifty-Two Mannequins
We had no idea how bad the situation had gotten. The Vikings gave Kirk Cousins so much guaranteed money that they had to get rid of some talented players in the prior offseason. Now, they've had to get rid of everyone.
"Kirk Cousins is the best quarterback ever, so we just gave him $250 trillion, fully guaranteed," general manager Rick Spielman said.
The Vikings cut everyone else the next day.
"The good thing is that we were able to get 52 mannequins with this pick," Spielman said. "Mannequins have zero cap charge, so they'll come in handy when we give Kirk a fully guaranteed $500 quadrillion extension next spring."
New England Patriots: Justin Fields, WR, Ohio State
The Patriots finally drafted a quarterback! We just assumed they were never going to do it because they passed on all quarterbacks in the 2020 NFL Draft. Justin Fields changed that.
Or so we thought.
"If I had emotions, I'd be happy about having Justin Fields on the team as our new No. 2 receiver," Bill Belichick said stoically.
Fields, a receiver? What!?
"If I had emotions, I'd be pissed that you expect me to draft a quarterback," Belichick said. "No, Justin is a receiver. Trust me. No one is better at drafting receivers than I am, so I know receiving talent when I see it."
Arizona Cardinals: Healmore Spell
The Cardinals lost to John Wolflord, which ruined their playoff chances. John Wolflord. Here's how it happened:
To make sure this wouldn't happen again, the Cardinals have drafted Healmore.
"I had a losing record at Texas Tech, but the one thing I learned while on campus is that you can cast Healmore to heal yourself enough so you don't die from Hurtmore," said head coach Kliff Kingsbury.
A cunning strategy. Except, the Rams won't be using Wolflord next year in the wake of the Matthew Stafford trade. Whoops!
Go to 2021 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32
Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.
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