Emmitt Smith is the man. I'm serious - the last thing I'm being right now is facetious. Despite his inability to speak English, Emmitt sits in front of the camera, broadcasting to millions of homes in the U.S., and speaks incorrectly and incoherently every single week. He's a hero - and a very entertaining one at that. I made sure I was up at 11 every Sunday morning this fall just to hear Emmitt speak. Sure, I was writing down all of his grammatically incorrect sentences and phrases, but that's why he was so fun to watch. I really hope ESPN doesn't let him go. If they do, I'm going to switch to another network. I don't think I could live without posting my weekly Emmitt quotes on this site.
In hoping ESPN extends Emmitt's contract and offers him billions of dollars (let's face it, he's the most entertaining man on TV), I've compiled all of the Emmitt quotes I've posted on this site or kept in reserve. I just pray that I can do this again next year.
| Emmitt Smith may look and speak like an idiot, but he's really a genius whose entertainment level is unparalleled.
I've sorted all of the Emmitt quotes categorically, and have included a comment with each one. Enjoy!
The Simple Emmitts
The following Emmitt quotes are comprised of one or two small grammatical errors. Emmitt made so many of these, I considered it a miracle every time he went 10 words without a blunder.
Emmitt Made a Doo Doo
Believe it or not, but everything Emmitt said the past year wasn't factually correct. I kid you not!
- "Wade [Phillips] inherit this success." (Commentary: That may be true, but it also looks like someone will be inheriting Emmitt's seat on Sunday NFL Countdown sometime soon.)
- "My game-breaker go to Brett Favre." (Commentary: And my dictionary go to Emmitt. Please, Emmitt, start reading.)
- "And when defense felt my will, it was a total different game then." (Commentary: Scoring touchdowns? Easy. Using adverbs? Impossible.)
- "The Packers don't has a running game." (Commentary: And if this keeps up, ESPN will not has good ratings.)
- "This team have not played confident football in three weeks." (Commentary: I love it how Emmitt refuses to use contractions. Emmitt doesn't cut corners!)
- "He gets the ball over to their third read than most quarterback can." (Commentary: I think Emmitt forgot a word here, but at least he didn't say "He get the ball over...")
- "Mike Martz have this offense rollin'" (Commentary: And Emmitt have this grammar thing rollin'... NOT.)
- "The Pittsburgh Steelers are not as good as everyone think they are." (Commentary: What is Emmitt talking about? I thinks the Steelers is good!")
- "He deserve to be coach of the year." (Commentary: I wasn't sure who should be coach of the year, but Emmitt really swayed me with that argument.")
- "He's gonna be the guy Tom Brady look for on third downs." (Commentary: And I don't think Emmitt's gonna be the guy Webster look for when he updates his dictionary.)
- "It takes a coach who know how to communicate." (Commentary: And it takes an analyst who "know" how to communicate too - unless you're working for ESPN.)
- "He turn around and go deep on Dre' Bly" (Commentary: Career touchdowns, 175. Career rushing yards, 18,355. Career verbs conjugated, 0.)
- "Brett Favre went into Dallas nine times and have a big goose egg." (Commentary: And I bet Emmitt had tons of big goose eggs on his grammar tests when he was in high school.)
- "I love those style of play that the Tennessee Titans bring to the game." (Commentary: What a coincidence! I love those grammatical error that Emmitt bring to the Sunday NFL Countdown!)
- "Let's see if he step up big today and play great for the Chargers." (Commentary: I tried to look up if the word "he" can be used as plural. Instead of giving me an answer, Dictionary.com called me an idiot and crashed my computer.)
- "All your base are belong to us." (Commentary: OK, maybe Emmitt didn't really say that, but I guarantee he was hired to translate for CATS. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, Check this out. Someone really needs to make a mix video of CATS and Emmitt talking to each other.)
- "That offense does... do look good." (Commentary: He was actually about to say "That offense does look good," but changed what he said mid-sentence to "That offense do look good." I'm speechless. How can someone be so poor at grammar? Did CATS really say, "All of your bases belong... All your base are belong to us?")
- "He just need a runnin game to help him." (Commentary: And Emmitt need Hooked on Phonics to help him.)
- "Giants has too many guys in the secondary banged up." (Commentary: Ahhh, the tricky has-have dilemma. When do you use "has?" When do you use "have?" This has puzzled writers for years.)
- "All those things messes with the mentality of your ball club." (Commentary: And all of these Emmitt quotes messes with the mentality of my brain.)
- "I'm concerned about a guy who fall down before get hits." (Commentary: And I'm concerned about a guy who speak before he conjugate his verb and puts the "s" in the wrong place, but you don't see me making a big fuss over it.)
Emmitt is Spelled "E-M-M-I-T-T"
Emmitt tries to sound profound in the following quotes. Unfortunately, he's saying something either remarkably dumb or incredibly obvious.
- "Wes Worker is a possession receiver that make things happen." (Commentary: I don't care who "make" things happen, but who the heck is Wes Worker?)
- "Norv Turner have a lot of experience in the playoff." (Commentary: When Emmitt uttered that statement, Norv Turner's postseason record was 1-1. Good thing we're talking about the playoff here, and not the playoffs.)
- "I like the Eagles based on what I saw on Monday night." (Commentary: Emmitt was referring to the Eagles-Patriots game. It was on Sunday night; not Monday night. Did Emmitt TiVo the game or something?)
- "Tom Brady is buyin' time for his lineman." (Commentary: And here I thought that offensive linemen were "buyin' time" for the quarterback.)
- "Let's not judge the Giants until we're in the bottom half of the season... The bottom half of the schedule get much tougher." (Commentary: Bottom half? Bottom half!? I knew there was a first half and a second half, but now Emmitt's telling us that there's a bottom half of an NFL season. And here I was thinking the season went from September to early February. When does the bottom half of the season take place?)
- "Reggie Bush is definitely effective. Just not tonight." (Commentary: Emmitt said this after the Falcons-Saints Monday night game. Note to Emmitt: Bush wasn't effective... because... HE DIDN'T EVEN PLAY! No wonder he wasn't effective tonight.)
- "The NFC West is probably one of the weakest... CONFERENCES... in the whole NFC. These guys over here, you have the Cardinals, you have the 49ers, you have the Seahawks, and you also have the Rams..." (Commentary: Thank God Emmitt's around, or else we'd forget which teams are in all the divisions... I mean... CONFERENCES.)
- "Alex has a lot of growing up to do, and it's hard to grow up when you are learning three different offenses every year." (Commentary: Three different offenses every year, huh? That's a lot of turnover in the Bay Area. What are they doing down there?)
- (On the Super Bowl) "The loss tonight... And the loss today is gonna hurt for a long time." (Commentary: So, apparently the Patriots lost to the Giants twice. Once at night, and once in the afternoon. Damn it, I only saw one of those games.)
- (Attempting to quote Jimmy V) "Don't quit. Don't ever quit." (Commentary: For the record, Jimmy V's immortal words were "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." Well, at least Emmitt understands synonyms. Oh, and Emmitt, don't quit. Don't ever quit your gig at ESPN.)
- "He was coming through line to make a move and got blind sided by Al Wi... Al Wi... Al Jackson." (Commentary: Don't bother searching for Al Jackson on NFL.com. He doesn't exist in real life - only in Emmitt's mind.)
From Emmitt's What the F--- File
I'm not sure what to make of these quotes. Drunks getting tossed out of bars are more coherent than this. If you can decipher what Emmitt was trying to say, you're either really gifted or really troubled.
- "T.O. just do not draw the double team." (Commentary: And here I was thinking T.O. always draw the double team... but Emmitt's argument just talked me out of it.)
- "The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders." (Commentary: Wow, that's a really profound statement.)
- "You have new offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator." (Commentary: Russians don't use articles in their language. Is Emmitt Russian?)
- "If it slip in Week 1, it slip in Week 8." (Commentary: I don't know what slip in Week 1, but clearly the same thing happened in Week 8. Let's just hope that when it slip in Week 15, the verb is actually conjugated.)
- "The percentages for teams that go into score before the first half is pretty high that they wins the game." (Commentary: Wow. Just, wow. Aside from the horrific grammar, Emmitt's making up stats and trends. But what about the percentages for analysis that make grammaritcal error is pretty high that they gets fired at the end of the years?)
- "The one thing that derail a team is a thing called the injury bugs." (Commentary: So, there's only one single thing that derails a team, and it's the injury bugs, not the injury bug? I never played professional football, but I wasn't aware there are actual bugs that cause injuries.)
- "They're gearing up to stop the run. They put eight men in the box. Eight men... sometimes nine." (Commentary: Wow, that's some superb "analysts" from Emmitt. I had no idea teams put eight men - or sometimes nine - in the box to stop the run.)
- "You have to have the personality to match up with the Patriots." (Commentary: Just a hunch, but I think Emmitt means personnel; not personality. Unless, of course, he believes it takes a Capricorn who likes to take long walks on the beach to beat New England.)
- "A reason they don't want to repeat what they did last year, they don't want to look really bad down the stretch." (Commentary: So, actually losing games down the stretch doesn't really matter - just as long as they don't look bad?)
- "And then he come back and throw another pass and he drop it." (Commentary: Emmitt will be applying for the play-by-play job for Monday Night Football games. That's way more elaborate than how Mike Tirico describes things.)
- "I'm going with the Pats ... they are an all-around good ball club." (Commentary: Gee, you think? Emmitt said this when he picked the Patriots over the Jets. Maybe that's how I should make my selections. I'm taking Patriots -22 because they're an all-around good ball club.)
- "Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record." (Commentary: Is it possible to have a divisional record that's not a team record? It's like saying, "Not only does Emmitt Smith have the World Record for grammatical errors per TV show, he also has the record for most grammatical errors per TV show in his family." More evidence that Emmitt is ahead of our time.)
- "Last year there was a lot of things the Colts had to address. They couldn't stop the run... and all those... that was one of the biggest things they had to address." (Commentary: Brain fart, much?)
- "The Giants secondary really have to be physical with this guy." (Commentary: Great "analysts" as always, though I have to say I'm disappointed Emmitt didn't use this week off to figure out the difference between have and has.)
- "They started 6-2. Now, they're 6-3." (Commentary: Thank God Emmitt doesn't do play-by-play... "They started 7-0. Then the score were 7-3. Then the score were 14-3. Now the score are 14-10.")
- "He has a chance to correct those things once he come back outside." (Commentary: Anyone want to guess what Emmitt was talking about here? The Michael Vick situation. So, all Vick has to do is correct things once he "come back outside." Emmitt makes it sound so easy.)
- "As my offense get better, my defense is goin be that much more better." (Commentary: I'm shocked no one has hired Emmitt as an NFL head coach yet.)
Emmitt For 2012 U.S. President
I made these quotes up for various things I was doing on my Picks and Power Rankings pages, but I decided to include them. It's very possible Emmitt has already said some of these when the cameras were off.
- "Wade Phillips have not had time to insert this." (Commentary: C'mon Emmitt, let's keep this show PG-13.)
- "The Jets can only be disrespected by every team in the league" (Commentary: What the hell does that mean? Seriously?)
- "What else can you say about a defense that get together?" (Commentary: I don't know, what else can you says?)
- "The way you perform make them feel about you different." (Commentary: I think Emmitt's brain gathers the words he wants to use and rearranges them randomly.)
- "This team need to get in their mind." (Commentary: Apparently, Emmitt believes certain teams are capable of telekinesis. I guess he's a huge fan of Matt Parkman's.)
- "They can ride Adrian Peterson into the doggone playoff." (Commentary: Not the playoff... The Doggone Playoff!)
- "That would definitely be a slowed down." (Commentary: He did say this, but I wasn't paying attention, so I don't know what he was referring to. Who knows? Maybe it actually made sense.)
- "Eli Manning has been given the rice of passage." (Commentary: Damn it, why haven't I been given the rice of passage?)
- "He's giving them all the confidences they need... he giving them the confidence that he need." (Commentary: It's a good thing that he's giving them more than one confidence. Everyone needs a few confidences , and needs a confidence in return at the same time. Whatever that means.)
- "Detroit Lions had our numbers." (Commentary: Numbers? Lottery numbers? What does that mean?)
- "He's goin change how the front office even think." (Commentary: Luckily this is Bill Parcells Emmitt was talking about, so he's not goin change how the front office speak grammars.)
- "When you are the single or the lone ranger, so to speak." (Commentary: The Single Ranger? Sounds like some porn movie. And who says, "When you are the lone ranger, so to speak?" Who speaks that way, exactly?)
- "When he get over the Texas line, something crazy happens in his head." (Commentary: But not as crazy as what come out of Emmitt mouth!)
- "I think it's his self-confidence in himself that make him so confident when it get down into the crunch time." (Commentary: So, in other words, his self-confidence in himself makes him confident. I guess that makes sense. Sure, you're saying the same thing three times, but who's counting?)
- "They both can return kicks and punt return guys." (Commentary: I taped Sunday NFL Countdown - or NFL Sunday Countdown if you're Keyshawn - because I felt like sleeping in. Who wakes up before noon nowadays? At any rate, I played this quote back 20 times in an attempt to figure out what the hell Emmitt was talking about. I didn't succeed, and making matters worse, my brain completely shut down and I drooled all over my shirt.)
- "That defense got after Tom Brady's behind today." (Commentary: Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
- "Why doesn't... don't the defensive players put their hands on Randy Moss? Don't back back." (Commentary: That's not an error on my part. Emmitt actually said, "Don't back back." I recorded it and seriously went through it 10 times. I would have done it an 11th, but VCR exploded.)
Once Upon a Time, a Prince Named Emmitt...
The following is a segment I ran on my Power Rankings page late in the year. I had Emmitt tell his version of the following fairy tales. (Disclaimer: I am not responsible for the illiteracy of any of your children if you read them these before they go to sleep.)
- "Colonizing are a good idea. If I am make president, I will start doing these right away."
- "My stances says gay marriage would definitely be a slowed down if you gets in his mind. If it slip in the marriage, it slip in the honeymoons."
- "These are a good point. But when I plays football, everyone respect my wills and my strong."
- "Did you see that passes? I have make that throws once when we use a trick play against the 49er. I throw the football and Michael Irvin makes difficultly catches in end zone."
- "The Bengals doesn't have heart much like the scarecrows in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobes."
- "When you look at these coin toss, I think the Falcons will win that coin toss because Oakland are a little banged up right now in their secondary, and Atlanta have the talent to take advantage of that lack of talent." (Commentary: Remind me not to bring Emmitt along with me on my next trip to Vegas.)
Emmitt's Greatest Hits
My favorite Emmitt quotes. I had trouble deciding which ones to put here. I love them all.
- Once upon times, there was a broad name Goldlocks. She was banged up and went to the bears crib. She eat porridge from the big daddy's bowl and then the baby momma's bowl and then the kid's bowl. Then she sleep in all three bed. Then the three bear come back to the crib and kick the broad out of the house. But when the kid and baby's momma went to do some shoppin, the dad invite the broad to his crib and get his freak on.
- The girl she was dressed up in red and she gone ridin on into the wood. She was tryin to found her grandmom house and she did. When she get there, she see her grandmom but it weren't really her grandmom. It was a big bad... fox. The fox eat her up and then go to bed. Along came a hunter with a hammer. He find the house with the fox inside and slices him open. When the little ridin hood come outside, she find some big ol rock and put it inside the fox. Then the hunter marry the ridin hood until he were arrested for sleepin with minor.
- Once upon times, there was a broad name Cinderella. She were very poor and have three ugly stepsister and a mean grandmother. One night Cinderella, she wasn't invited to the balls, but her fairy godmothers got her back. So she went to the balls and meet the prince who was very handsome. She dance all night till the club close but had to go back to her crib so her ride don't turn into a pumpkin patch. But the prince was in love and try to look for the broad. He eventually come to Cinderella's crib and ask her to try on the glass high heel he had found. But the stepmother turn Cinderella into a mermaid and she was force to go back into the river.
Go here for more Emmitt Smith quotes
- "Don't worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out... uhhh... blown... blown out... Let's think about what we need to do going forward, and they had... blown out. (Commentary: Don't believe he actually said this? I don't either. But check out Emmitt's Blunder as seen on Jimmy Kimmel Live.)
- "Defensively, they're solid. They have solid defenses." (Commentary: From the redundancy department of the department of redundancy.)
- "You hear Andy Reid going online and say, Donovan McNabb is my starting quarterback." (Commentary: It appears as though Emmitt is confused between "online" and "on the line." Does this mean Emmitt uses America On The Line Instant Messenger to chat with his friends?)
- "Now the Colts are probably playing with more confidence than they ever have played since they been with the Indianapolis Colts." (Commentary: Right... That makes a lot of sense. As opposed to the Colts playing with more confidence than they ever have since being with the Jacksonville Jaguars.)
- "They need to right the score to get revenge." (Commentary: Right the ship, right the score. Tomato, tomahto.)
- "This will get you completely blowed out." (Commentary: Blowed? What will get you blowed? Turning it over a lot, or bringing flowers on a date?)
- "They did a good job flying around the football field and carowzing the football carrier." (Commentary: Carowzing, eh? Guess Emmitt's old professors looked the other way when he used this word in his essays.)
- "Brady will put up monster numbers because he can throw." (Commentary: Seriously, where else can you get this sort of analysis?)
- "You cannot change the stripes of a leopard." (Commentary: Now, Emmitt, repeat after me. A cow says moooo...)
- "The hill represent another rushing title this year for the season. For others watching this thing who've worked out on hills, this is a opportunity to build strength within." (Commentary: What... the... hell... is Emmitt talking about? First of all, again with the repetition. Rushing title this year for the season? And I love how Emmitt's appealing to the working-out-on-hills demographic because those people never get any love.)
- "...Go to Arizona, sharp as a whistle, and do some finishing touches, so we can go down in the Super Bowl and play our best football of the whole entire season."(Commentary: Yeah, watch out for those sharp whistles - they can be really pointy.)
- "The strength of the Patriots, their offense, got... DEBACLED." (Commentary: I was 99 percent sure Debacled wasn't a word, but I made sure in Microsoft Word. I typed it in, but instead of placing a red line below it, Microsoft Word just laughed at me.)
- "That can be a swing their way eventually. I just hate to be the team that they winned it against." (Commentary: Let's see... butcher the English language, add an article where you don't need one and make up a word called "winned." Just another day in the life of Emmitt.)
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