Jason Witten’s 2019 NFL Mock Draft

I’ve been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt’s grammatically flawed analysis on the “Worldwide Leader,” and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.

I did another Emmitt mock this year, but I thought it was time to make fun of another former Cowboy who worked for ESPN. That former Cowboy was Jason Witten, who made this very easy with his broadcasting performance from 2018.

This is what a 2019 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Witten created one. This is satire, so don’t take this seriously, especially if you happen to be irritated by everything and have no sense of humor.

My real 2019 NFL Mock Draft – Emmitt’s 2018 Mock – Emmitt’s 2019 Mock – Emmitt’s 2017 Mock – Emmitt’s 2016 Mock – Emmitt’s 2015 Mock – Emmitt’s 2014 Mock – Emmitt’s 2013 Mock – Emmitt’s 2012 Mock – Emmitt’s 2011 Mock – Emmitt’s 2010 Mock – Emmitt’s 2009 Mock – Emmitt’s 2008 Mock

A reminder of what we’ll been missing on Witten-less ESPN.

Arizona Cardinals: Kyle Murray, QB, Oklahoma
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Kyle Murray of Oklahoma to the Cardinals. Kyle Murray is a real good quarterback. But not only is he real good, he’s real great. He throws real good and runs real good, and he throws real good, and he’s real good overall. There was some question about Kyle Murray’s height entering the combine but he measured in at 5-10, which is two heights above his projected height, which is not a lot of heights. Kyler Murray played for Oklahoma, which is a real good football program. When you look at Oklahoma, they’re real good. So that means, Kyle Murray is a real good football player.
San Francisco 49ers: Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Joey Bosa from Ohio State to the 49ers. Joey Bosa is just like his brother Joey Bosa, who is a real good football player, which means that Joey Bosa is probably a real good football player, too. Joey Bosa played for the Ohio State, which is a real good team. Their coach is Urban Meyer, who is a real good football coach who coaches real good.
New York Jets: Quinnen Williams, DT, Alabama
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Quinnen Williams from Alabama to the Jets. Williams is a real good football player from the Alabama program, which is a real good program with lots of real good football players. When you look at their coach, it’s Nick Saban. Nick Saban is a real good football coach who coaches real good. Quinnen Williams is real good run after the sack so he’s probably going to be a real good football player in the NFL and for the Jets and run real good after the sack.

Oakland Raiders: Josh Allen, QB, Kentucky
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Josh Allen from Kentucky to the Raiders. Josh Allen played quarterback at the Wyoming school of Wyoming, which is located in the United States and Wyoming. Josh Allen played quarterback for the Buffalo Bills last year and he played real good because he’s a real good football player. Now, he’s going to enter the draft again which is a real good idea. I once played for the Dallas Cowboys and then I talked on TV for a while and now I play for the Dallas Cowboys again but Tony Romo’s not here which makes me real sad but Dak Prescott’s a real good football player, and Josh Allen’s a real good football player too and I like him because he’s following my trajectionory for playing football, then talking on TV, then playing football again.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jawaan Taylor, OT, Florida
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Jawaan Taylor, who is a real good football player. He comes from the Florida football program, which is a real good football program. They’re real good. When you look at the Buccaneers, they’re not real good. They’re not real good at blocking. And that’s exactly what left tackles do. They block. And Jawaan Taylor blocks real good because he’s a real good football player.

New York Giants: Rashan Gary, DE, Michigan
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Rashan Gary. When you look at Rashan Gary, he’s a real good football player. That’s because he played for Coach Harbaugh. Coach Harbaugh is the coach at Michigan, and he’s a real good coach. He coaches players real good, and that’s why Rashan Gary is a real good football player. The Giants are going to ask Rashan Gary to rush the passer because that’s what defensive ends do. They rush the passer, and they get a lot of sacks. And sacks are real important in the National Football League.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Dwayne Haskins from the Ohio State football program. Urban Meyer is a real good football coach who coaches real good. When you look at the Jaguars, they just signed Nick Foles. Nick Foles won MVP of the Super Bowl. And that’s a real good thing. But in the National Football League, you need more than one quarterback to compete. And competition is real good to have on a team. The Jaguars should draft a quarterback to compete with Nick Foles with this pick. Two heads are bigger than one, and that’s what the Jaguars are going to have. Except for two heads, it’s going to be two quarterbacks.

Detroit Lions: Devin White, LB, LSU
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Devin White. When you look at Devin White, he’s a real good football player. Devin White is the kind of guy you want on a football team. Because he’s a real good football player. And he’s real good to have in the locker room. When you have a guy who’s a real good football player, and a guy who’s real good in the locker room, you have a guy who’s a real good football player and a real good guy in the locker room, too. That’s two real good things, which is a lot of good things.
Buffalo Bills: Devin White, LB, LSU
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Devin White. When you look at Devin White, he’s a real good football player. Devin White comes from the LSU football program. LSU is a combination of three letters, which is more than two letters. I don’t know what the three letters mean, but when you look at the LSU football program, their coach is Ed Oregon. Ed Oregon is a real good football coach. He always does a real good job of making a real good game plan and always gets his players to play hard. And what more can you ask from a football coach? When you look at Ed Oregon, I think Ed Oregon is going to win some Super Bowls at LSU. That’s how real good of a football coach he is.

Denver Broncos: Devin White, LB, LSU
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Devin White. When you look at Devin White, he has a lot to work on to become a real good football player. But Rome wasn’t built in long time. And that’s what you have to look at with this pick. Because Rome, it took a long time to build. But when you look at Rome, the country is still standing today even though it was nothing before. That’s how you have to look at these prospects coming out of the draft. Because if Rome can be built from nothing into a great country, a player who’s not a real good football player can become a guy who is a real good football player.
Cincinnati Bengals: Noah Fart, TE, Iowa
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Noah Fart. I have to admit that I know nothing about the Bengals, so I looked at Emmitt’s mock to cheat for this pick. When you look at Emmitt’s mock draft, he has Noah Fart going to the Bengals. This must be a real good pick because Emmitt’s been doing mock drafts for a long time. And when I say long time, I don’t mean four or five weeks. I mean four or five years, or maybe even 10 years. Ten years is a lot of years. It’s double from five years. When you look at how that’s double, you have a five, and then you double it to make another five, and then you X them together on the calculator, and you get 25 years. That’s a lot of years. I can’t believe Emmitt’s been doing this for that long. When you look at 25 years, that’s a quarter of a decade. And I haven’t even gotten to 25 picks yet!
Green Bay Packers: Drew Luck, QB, Missouri
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Drew Luck. This pick reminds me of the saying, what comes around goes in a circle. And when you look at a circle, it’s round. That reminds me of this pick. Remember when the Colts had Peyton Manning, and then they took Andrew Luck? That was a real good trade the Colts made. And then they made another trade when they traded Peyton Manning to the Indianapolis Colts. Now, we come full circle with this pick because Drew Luck is going to replace Aaron Rodgers in Green Bay. That’s a real good idea. Aaron Rodgers is getting injured all the time, and when I say he’s getting injured, I mean he’s getting hurt. That’s not real good. Because you don’t want a guy getting hurt. Because when he gets hurt, he gets injured. And that’s not real good.
Miami Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Tua Tagovailoa. When you look at the Dolphins, they’re trying to tank. That means that they are tanking for this season to get a high pick in the next draft. I don’t think this is a real good idea for two reasons. First, when you’re a football player, you try to win football games. Because if you don’t win football games, you lose. And if you lose, you’re not winning football games. So, it’s a bad idea to tank. The Dolphins should just take Tua Tagovailoa, who won the Super Bowl when he was a freshman at the Alabama program under Nick Saban, who’s a real good football coach.
Atlanta Falcons: Christian Wilkins, DT, Clemson
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Christian Wilkins. The Falcons are a real good football team, but they have not been real good since they lost in the Super Bowl to the New England Patriots. When you look at what happened to the Falcons since then, two things happened. First, they lost some good football players to free agency. When that happens, a team becomes not as good because it loses good football players. Christian Wilkins, he’s a real good football player. He plays defensive tackle, which means he does two things. One, he stops the run, which is real important in the National Football League. Because if you stop the run, you stop it. And stopping the run is real important in the National Football League.
Washington Redskins: Daniel Jones, QB, Duke
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Daniel Jones. When you look at the Duke football program, they are usually not good. They are usually overshadowed by the Duke basketball team, which is real good. And when I say overshadowed, I mean that there’s one thing that casts a shadow so big over the other thing that it’s overshadowed, which means that it’s overshadowed and people can’t see it. And when you can’t see something, that’s not real good. Because if you can’t see something, you can’t see what’s happening on the football field, and then it’s impossible to be a real good football player because you need to be able to see what is happening on the football field, and if you can’t see what’s happening on the football field, you just can’t see it.

Carolina Panthers: Josh Allen, LB, Kentucky
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Josh Allen. The Panthers are switching to a 3-4 defense. Let me explain what the 3-4 defense is. When you look at the 3-4 defense, it has three defensive linemen and four linebackers. That means that there are four linebackers compared to three defensive linemen, which means that there are a lot more linebackers than defensive linemen. That means the Panthers must draft a linebacker with this pick. I like Josh Allen from Kentucky. Kentucky is overshadowed by the basketball team like Duke is, but that doesn’t mean that Josh Allen’s not a real good player. It just means he’s overshadowed. Josh Allen is the opposite of a not real good football player. And that means that Josh Allen is a real good football player because the opposite of something is that it’s completely different than the thing you were talking about. Because it’s the opposite.

Go to Jason Witten’s 2019 NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I’ve received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.

Real 2019 NFL Mock Draft