Jason Witten’s 2019 NFL Mock Draft – Picks 17-32

Last update: Sometime in the month of 2019.
Next update: Who in God name would update the mark draft lot of time?

I’ve been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt’s grammatically flawed analysis on the “Worldwide Leader,” and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.

I did another Emmitt mock this year, but I thought it was time to make fun of another former Cowboy who worked for ESPN. That former Cowboy was Jason Witten, who made this very easy with his broadcasting performance from 2018.

This is what a 2019 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Witten created one. This is satire, so don’t take this seriously, especially if you happen to be irritated by everything and have no sense of humor.

My real 2019 NFL Mock Draft – Emmitt’s 2018 Mock – Emmitt’s 2017 Mock – Emmitt’s 2016 Mock – Emmitt’s 2015 Mock – Emmitt’s 2014 Mock – Emmitt’s 2013 Mock – Emmitt’s 2012 Mock – Emmitt’s 2011 Mock – Emmitt’s 2010 Mock – Emmitt’s 2009 Mock – Emmitt’s 2008 Mock

A reminder of what we’ll been missing on Witten-less ESPN.

Jason Witten’s 2019 NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16

New York Giants: Drew Lock, QB, Missouri
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Drew Lock. When you look at the Giants, they are not really good. They traded Odell Beckham to the Browns, and any time you trade your best player to another team, you’re not doing real good. Because best players are usually good players, and if you don’t have good players, you don’t have a good team. And if you don’t have a good team, you’re not a real good team. But the Giants can change that with this pick. Drew Lock, he’s a quarterback from Missouri. Or so we think. Kansas City you think would be in Kansas, but it’s not. It’s in Missouri. So, I wonder if Missouri in Kansas. Because that would make sense if Kansas City is in Missouri. It’s the opposite. And opposite is when things are in reverse and opposite.
Minnesota Vikings: Jonas Williams, OT, Alabama
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Jonas Williams, from Alabama College, which is a real good football program. You can tell Jonas Williams is a real good football player because he blocks real good, and when you have an offensive lineman who blocks real good, he’s a real good offensive lineman. This is key for the Vikings, who need to protect Kurt Cousins. When you look at Kurt Cousins, he’s not real good. But that’s not his fault. Because he doesn’t get protection. That’s what the offensive line needs to do. It needs to protect the quarterback. And it’s not protecting Kurt Cousins right now. So it needs to protect Kurt Cousins. Because that’s what the offensive line needs to do.
Tennessee Titans: Travis Lawrence, QB, Clemson
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Travis Lawrence. I look at Emmitt’s mock draft again, and he gave Travis Lawrence to the Panthers. That’s a real good pick. I watched Travis Lawrence in the Super Bowl, and he did real good against Alabama. This surprised me because Alabama usually has the best defense, but when you have a great quarterback, the defense can’t do anything. That’s because the quarterback’s real good, and there’s no defense for a perfect pass. Because the pass is perfect, which means it’s flawless. And when it’s flawless, it doesn’t have any flaws. Because it’s flawless.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Marquise Brown, WR, Oklahoma
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Marquise Brown. The Steelers, they let go of Antonio Brown this offseason. I think this was a big mistake for three reasons. First, Marquise Brown has been a great player for them for a long time. And when I say long time, I mean a long time. I don’t mean a short time, but a time longer than a short time, which is a long time. A long time is pretty long, so that’s why they call it a long time. Because it is long. And they had Antonio Brown for that long time, and now they don’t have him anymore because of the trade. That’s what happens in a trade. You trade a guy, and then you don’t have him anymore because you traded him, which means he’s not on the team anymore because of the trade.
Seattle Seahawks: Johnathan Abraham, S, Mississippi State
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Johnathan Abraham. When you look at the Seahawks, they used to be a real good football team, but they’re not a real good football team anymore. Why? They lost the Legion of Boom when they lost all the guys, and losing Earl Thomas was the final coffin in the nail. So, it’s time to get another Legion of Boom and they can start with a safety. When you look at safeties, they need to do four things. The first thing they need to do is cover. That’s real important. Because if a safety doesn’t cover, then he doesn’t cover anyone. And you need to be able to cover because if you don’t cover anyone, no one’s covered, and then no one’s covered when you’re trying to cover someone, so you have to cover, or the players aren’t covered, and this is a real bad thing for a defense.

Baltimore Ravens: Terrell Lewis, DE/OLB, Alabama
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Terrell Lewis. I was surprised when the Ravens traded Terrell Suggs to the Phoenix Cardinals. He has been with the Baltimore Ravens since 1985 according to Emmitt, which is a real long time. If you put in 2019 and then hit the minus on the calculator and then put in 1985, you get a lot of years. That’s a long time because it’s a lot of years, which is a long time. But it’s time for the Ravens to start over. When I saw that Terrell Lewis plays for Alabama, I knew this was a perfect fit because it’s just perfect. When you look at Terrell Lewis, his first name is Terrell, which matches Terrell Suggs because it’s the same and it matches. Then, you look at Lewis, and Lewis was a guy who used to play for the Ravens for a long time. If I had the exact years, I could use my calculator to minus to figure out how long he played for the Ravens, but I don’t have the years, so I can’t minus right now.
Houston Texans: Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Rev. Smith
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Rev. Smith. When you look at Emmitt’s mock, a pick stands out, and it’s this one. Emmitt was gracious enough to mock his son to the Houston Texas, and I think that’s a great idea. Blood is thicker than oil, so Emmitt’s son is probably a real good football player like his dad was. His dad was one of my favorite football players ever and he got me into liking football because he was a real good football player. So that’s why I became a football player, because his dad played football and was a real good football player, and he was playing football real good. I think it’s important for the Houston Texas to draft Emmitt’s son. He’s the fruit of his loom, and when you have the fact that blood is thicker than oil part, it’s real important to consider that because oil is real thick, and if blood is thicker than that, then it has to be real thick.

Oakland Raiders: Jachai Polite, DE/OLB, Florida
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Jachai Polite. I watched Jachai Polite when he played against Florida, and I thought he was a real good football player. But when you look at Jachai Polite, he did not do real good at the combine. His numbers were bad, especially his 3-cone time. The important thing about the 3-cone drill is that it has three cones. If it had two cones, it would be a 2-cone drill, and if it had four cones, it would be a 4-cone drill but it has three cones, so it’s a 3-cone drill. But don’t think the 3-cone drill is real important. These combine numbers are very left-wing and people who use those combine numbers don’t watch the film, which is real important. And if you want to use numbers, just use a calculator like I do. You can plus numbers, and minus numbers, and X numbers, and there’s even a dash with a dot on top and on bottom of the dash. I haven’t figured out what that is yet, but I will one day because the calculator’s real interesting and I like to play on the calculator.
Philadelphia Eagles: Justin Layne, CB, Michigan
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Justin Layne. When you look at Justin Layne, it’s important that he has played for Coach Harbaugh, who is a real good football coach. Anyone who has played for Coach Harbaugh deserves to be a first-round pick. And Justin Layne deserves to be a first-round pick because he’s a real good football player and a real good cornerback who can cover real good as well. I like Justin Layne for five reasons. First, Justin Layne can cover real good and he’s a real good football player. Next, he reminds me of the Beatles song Penny Lane. Except instead of Penny, his name is Justin. But if he was born a girl, maybe his parents would’ve named him Penny. Or maybe a boy. Penny Hardaway used to play basketball real good, so maybe Justin could’ve been named after Penny Hardaway, and then he would be Penny Layne, like the Beatles song, which is real good because the Beatles were a real good music band.

Indianapolis Colts: Chauncey Johnson-Johnson, S, Florida
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Chauncey Johnson-Johnson. My good friend Emmitt went to the University of Florida, so he must know a lot about these Florida prospects, so when he mocks a guy to a team from Florida, you gotta listen to what he’s talking about. Chauncey Johnson-Johnson must be a real good football player if he’s projected to go in the first round because the best football players go in the first round. And not just the best football players; the real good football players, too, and Chauncey Johnson-Johnson must be real good because this is the first round, and he’s going in the first round, which is real good. When you look at Chauncey Johnson-Johnson, he has the same name as the shampoo company. That’s because his name is Johnson-Johnson, and the shampoo company is Johnson & Johnson. Except the difference is that Johnson-Johnson has a minus sign in between the Johnsons, and the shampoo company has a number 8 that’s not finished in between the two Johnsons, but that’s the only difference.
Oakland Raiders: Benny Snell, RB, Kentucky
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Benny Snell. Look, I’ve been playing against Coach Gruden since before I took his job in the ESPN Sunday Night Football telebooth. And if I know three things about Jon Gruden, it’s this: He loves to run the ball. He wants to run the ball as much as possible, which is a real good strategy sometimes because if you run the ball all the time, the quarterback can’t throw interceptions. And interceptions are not good to throw. When you throw, you don’t want to throw interceptions, so it’s good to run. But sometimes, you need to pass. But if you have a real good running back, you don’t have to pass as much. So the Raiders need a real good running back like Benny Snell. And when you look at Benny Snell, his name would be Benny Smell if the fourth letter in his name was an M instead of an N.
Los Angeles Chargers: Michael Jordan, G, Ohio State
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Michael Jordan. If this were a basketball mock draft, Michael Jordan would be first pick. But this is not a basketball draft. This is a football draft. That’s because these are football teams making picks and not basketball teams. If these were basketball teams, they would want Michael Jordan on their team because he was a real good basketball player. When I was a kid, I used to watch Michael Jordan play. He was real good. I used to keep track of the points he used to score on the abacus until one day, my dad gave me a calculator for my birthday present, and I’ve been using it ever since.
Kansas City Chiefs: Monte Sweat, DE, Mississippi State
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Monte Sweat. The football program at Mississippi State is not a real good one, but that doesn’t mean that Monte Sweat isn’t a real good football player. Sometimes, a real good football program has a player who’s not real good, and sometimes, a football program that’s not real good has players who are real good football players. This is what I like to call a catch-22. When you look at a catch-22, it’s not someone who catches 22 passes, as some may think. Here’s the thing about catch-22: It’s something that sometimes has the opposite things because it’s a catch-22. If it was a catch-21, it would be fine and things would make sense, but if you get 21 and plus the one with it, you get 22, which is the opposite when things happen, which is what makes it a catch-22.
Green Bay Packers: D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is D.K. Metcalf. When you look at D.K. Metcalf, you notice three things. First, is that his name is D.K. These are two letters, D and K. This reminds me of the game Donkey Kong, which is a real good new game all the kids play. This game has a guy walking up a ladder to kill a monkey who is throwing barrels. I don’t think this game is real realistic because monkeys don’t usually throw barrels at guys climbing up ladders, which is why it’s called a video game. Because it’s a video and a game, but not real life. If it was real life, someone would shoot the monkey with a tranquilizer and then climb up the ladder without barrels getting thrown at them, but this happens because it’s a game, and games are not real life, unless you’re playing a game in real life, which would then make it real life.
Los Angeles Rams: Will Grier, QB, West Virginia
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Will Grier. When you look at Will Grier, he’s from West Virginia. That’s in Virginia, except it’s west. West Virginia was real good last year when they got to the AFC Championship against Oklahoma, but lost the game. I was real surprised by this because I didn’t know West Virginia had a football program, but now I know. And they have Will Grier, who’s a real good football quarterback. Will Grier is a real good football player because he throws the ball real good. And accurate, too. He’s real good and accurate, which are two things quarterbacks need. There are eight things quarterbacks need to be good. One is to be good, and the second is to throw the ball real good, and Will Grier does both of those things real good, so the Rams are getting a real good quarterback and a real good football player to replace Jarrett Goff.

New England Patriots: Jace Sternberger, TE, Texas A&M
Hello, my name is Jason Witten and I just came out of retirement. My pick in this mock draft is Jace Stoneburger. The Patriots always win the Super Bowl. That’s because they’re a real good football team. But let’s talk about another real good football team. The Dallas Cowboys. I noticed that the Dallas Cowboys don’t have a pick in this year. I don’t understand why. Jerry Jones, he needs to petition the NFL to get a pick in the first round. Because it’s not fair to exclude the Cowboys. When you look at the Cowboys, they’re my team. So I don’t want to seem biased. But every team deserves a pick, and I’m looking here at the Raiders, and they have three picks. When you look at the calculator, if you press three, and then the minus button, and then the zero, you get three, so that means the Raiders have three more picks than the Cowboys have, which is three times more unfair than it normally should be. Because three times is the same number as the three number I mentioned earlier. Because they match.

That’s it for my mock draft. I hope you all enjoyed it. When you look at my mock draft, I put a lot of work into it. And not just a lot. A real lot. Now, I must rest. I am going to turn off my calculator and go take a nap for five days so I can get ready for football because I just came out of retirement.

Real 2019 NFL Mock Draft

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