Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2020.
Major changes in all 1 rounds.
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Real 2020 NFL Mock Draft
Cincinnati Bengals: Philip Rivers, QB, N.C. State
Ever since the Bengals clinched the No. 1 pick, it seemed like a lock that they would choose Joe Burrow atop the 2020 NFL Draft. However, news broke that this would not come to fruition.
"My daddy said I can't play for the Bengals," Burrow told the media weeks before the draft. "I do whatever my daddy tells me to do because I want him to like me more than my two older brothers."
With Burrow out of the picture, the Bengals turned toward Tua Tagovailoa, but the Alabama prospect echoed Burrow's sentiments.
"My daddy also said that playing for the Bengals is no good," Tagovailoa said. "He said that if I play for the Bengals, I'll be grounded for two weeks!"
Justin Herbert was next.
"My daddy said no, too," Herbert said. "He said I'll get ice cream tonight if I'm a good boy, and good boys don't play for the Bengals."
Jordan Love, Jacob Eason and Jake Fromm all rejected the Bengals as well. Even Andy Dalton said no. In fact, there was only one quarterback who expressed any desire to play for Cincinnati.
"Yeah, I mean, I guess I'll do it," Philip Rivers said reluctantly. "I played for the Chargers for 15 years, so playing for the Bengals won't be any different, except I'll actually have people rooting for me."
Washington Redskins: Scapegoat, WR, Richmond
The Redskins may not be good at much, but they're excellent when it comes to blaming one person for their problems.
"Kirk Cousins was the reason we never made the playoffs before, and then it was Bruce Allen," said one Redskins fan. "Bruce Allen is totally to blame. It was all his fault that Alex Smith broke his leg when we were 6-2 in 2018, causing us to struggle after that."
We tried to point out that Allen made some sharp transactions, namely finding some gems late in the draft. The Redskin fans wouldn't have it.
"Allen had zero to do with that; in fact, he contributed negative-50 percent to it," another Redskin fan said. "The assistant janitor intern, I think his name is Ross Avila, he had more to do with the Redskins draft than Bruce Allen did."
There's an issue with blaming Allen for the team's problems. He's no longer with the franchise. Owner Daniel Snyder came up with a solution.
"We need a new scapegoat, so I thought, hey, why not just get an actual scapegoat?" Snyder beamed. "This is going to work like a charm, and no one will blame me for anything!"
Snyder appears to be right thus far.
"That stupid scapegoat, he's the reason we're gonna go 4-12 this year," a third Redskin fan lamented. "He's going to ruin our drafts, too. Can we fire the scapegoat, already!?"
Detroit Lions: Cole Kmet, TE, Notre Dame
In an unexpected turn of events, Chase Young dropped to the Lions. It seemed like a given that Detriot would select the talented edge rusher. Matt Patricia had other plans, however.
"We need more tight ends," Patricia declared. "We have like 25 of them on the roster, and we were aiming for a 26th tight end."
A reporter asked Patricia why he didn't just wait until the second round to select a tight end. Patricia scoffed at the question.
"You fool, where do you think we will get our 27th tight end?" he snorted.
New York Giants: Joe Burrow, QB, LSU
Sixteen years ago, a Hall of Fame quarterback fell into the Giants' laps because he didn't want to play for the Chargers. Will lightning strike twice? We'll see.
And yes, Eli Manning is a legitimate Hall of Fame quarterback.
Miami Dolphins: Pick Forfeited
It's been specualted all along that the Dolphins covet Tua Tagovailoa. There was also a report linking them to Justin Herbert. Which one would they end up selecting? Neither, apparently.
"I would like to announce that we will be tanking for the 2021 NFL Draft," owner Stephen Ross stated. "We didn't tank well enough to get the first pick, so we must try again. With that in mind, I must also declare that any and all talented players on our roster are available for trade!"
Head coach Brian Flores shook his head in frustration.
"Guess I'll once again have to sabotage our plans by winning some meaningless games," he muttered under his breath.
Los Angeles Chargers: David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, IDIOTS, HBO
The Chargers attempted to address their issues with opposing fans flooding their stadium last year when they selected the Unsullied. The plan was for the Unsullied to guard the stadium to keep the opposing crowd out of the arena.
This did not work very well, however. The Unsullied are supposed to be fierce, trained warriors, but they were easily overrun by middle-aged men with beer bellies. The remaining Unsullied fell in love with women despite not having male genitalia.
"This made no sense!" general manager Tom Telesco shrieked. "It wasn't supposed to be written like this!"
Telesco responded by selecting the writers of the Game of Thrones teleivision series, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. The plan was for them to re-write the Unsullied. The two morons had other plans, however.
"We were thinking of having Austin Ekeler stab Joey Bosa to death because Bosa will turn evil," Benioff said. "There's been plenty of foreshadowing of Bosa turning evil, after all."
"And then, we can have Ekeler convince all of our fans to elect punter Ty Long because he has the best story," Weiss added. "Oh wait, you're asking us why everyone would listen to Ekeler after he stabbed Bosa? I guess we kind of forgot about that."
Carolina Panthers: Greta Thunberg, P, Sweden
New Panthers owner Bobby Axelrod has been busy accumulating personnel who have no NFL experience this offseason. His new coaching staff is very unfamiliar with the NFL, but that didn't stop Axelrod from taking one step further.
"Getting guys with no NFL experience has been great, so why stop there?" Axelrod asked. "Why not get someone who's not familiar with football at all? Seems like a great strategy!"
The NFL press asked new Panther Greta Thunberg if her lack of football knowledge - or any knowledge, in general - would be a challenge.
"How dare you?" Thunberg scowled. "How dare you? You have stolen my dreams and my childhood - even though I'm 17 - with your empty questions!"
Arizona Cardinals: Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama
The Cardinals surprised some by spending a second-consecutive first-round pick on a quarterback last year. They've decided to become the first team to ever do this three times in a row.
"We liked what we saw out of Kyler last year, but we think we can do better," head coach Kliff Kingsbury said. "Even if it's one more touchdown and one fewer interception, we'll consider that a win."
Jacksonville Jaguars: Water Slides
Jaguar fans aren't happy. They've come to terms with their team spending one of its home games in London over the years. It took them some time, but owner Shad Khan made amends by giving the fans a pool. Now, those same fans will see the Jaguars at home for just six games instead of seven.
Khan had to react quickly before he lost all support. He was able to come up with a viable solution.
"We built a pool when we first started going to London, and it worked like a charm," Khan said. "Now, we can have a water slide for the fans to forgive me for spending more time in London."
Most football fans would be insulted by something like this, but Jaguar ticket sales have increased tenfold since the announcement. It seems as though there's a correlation between those who support jort-wearing quarterbacks and aquatic recreation.
Cleveland Browns: Antonio Brown, WR, Central Michigan
The Browns need a receiver in the wake of Jarvis Landry's injury. We thought they'd draft Jerry Jeudy or CeeDee Lamb, but Cleveland surprised us all by selecting Antonio Brown. The team stated that there are two reasons for this.
"The frst reason is that we believe that Antonio Brown will cancel out Odell Beckham," new general manager Andrew Berry revealed. "I use fancy analytics, and my fancy analytics say that when there are two negatives, you times them together to make a positive.
"The other reason for this pick is that if Myles Garrett decides to use a helmet as a weapon again, Antonio will beat him to the punch and begin molesting the racist quarterback first."
Berry might have a good thought process about the second reason.
New York Jets: Tommy Kraemer, OT/G, Notre Dame
Last year, Adam Gase revealed that his true name happens to be Adamxandria Ocasio-Gase. This is something all of us should've known all along, given Ocasio-Gase's crazy eyes. Ocasio-Gase sabotaged the Jets in his first season with the team. Now, he's taking things a step further.
"People say I misuse talented players, but what if we didn't have talented players at all?" Ocasio-Gase asked. "We need a tackle, so I took the worst tackle in Charlie Campbell's rankings. And when people say bottom, they mean the person at the bottom of the list. That's what people mean when they say bottom."
Ocasio-Gase went on to say that he doesn't expect much from Tommy Kraemer.
"If Tommy doesn't want to play, that's OK," Ocasio-Gase said. "We'll still pay him if he doesn't want to play. That's only fair. He shouldn't have to play if he doesn't want to. And when people say 'play,' that usually means when someone is on the field and they play the game. That's what people mean when they say play."
Las Vegas Raiders: Peytom Branning, QB, Michissee
The Raiders offered Tom Brady a contract that would pay him $30 million per season, but the future Hall of Fame quarterback rejected it. His wife, Gisele, pushed for Vegas...
"Tomas, I vould like to move to Loos Vegoos because I vant to go to Circus Solay show every day, iz very romantique!"
Brady, wearing the pants in the relationship, rejected it. And that was that. The Raiders would move on with Derek Carr as their starter.
At least, that's what everyone thought. Owner Mark Davis revealed his true plan during the 2020 NFL Draft.
"I only needed Tom's DNA to fulfill my late father's dream and build the ultimate NFL quarterback!"
Peytom Branning will come through in the clutch like Brady, and he'll also be able to sell lots of advertisements like Peyton Manning. This creation will be unstoppable.
"We need Peytom Branning to sell tickets in Las Vegas, and he'll be able to do that because of the Manning DNA," Davis revealed. "But then, when it comes to playing real games, he won't choke like Manning because he'll have Brady's DNA! We'll win six Super Bowls in no time!"
Indianapolis Colts: Retirement Implants
The Colts were rocked by Andrew Luck's unexpected retirement last August. Perceived to be a Super Bowl contender, Indianapolis' 2019 campaign was destroyed by Luck's decision. The Colts have decided to take measures to ensure that this doesn't happen again.
"Andrew screwed us last year, but that's not going to happen again," a confident Jim Irsay told the press. "Unexpected retirements will come with severe consequences."
Irsay selected retirement implants with the No. 13 choice in the 2020 NFL Draft. He then used some of the drugs he has in storage to put all of his players to sleep. He was able to have doctors inject the players with retirement implants.
"If someone retires before I tell them it's OK, their body will explode," Irsay said. "This sounds bad, but trust me, it's for the greater good. We won't have anyone unexpectedly retire again."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Super Lasik Surgery
Jameis Winston created a buzz this offseason when he underwent Lasik surgery. Jokes were abound with him now having 30/30 vision, which doesn't make sense, given that Winston threw 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions before the surgery. It would make sense to say that he fixed his previous 30/30 vision.
Many believed that this surgery was done to help Winston's quarterbacking woes. However, it's now apparent that Lasik was a prelude to Winston's second operation, which was Super Lasik.
Super Lasik, for those of you who are unaware, allow humans to have otherworldly vision. This includes the ability to see through things; X-ray vision, as some know the term.
"They told me I couldn't molest Uber drivers, so I needed to find a way to get around that," Winston said. "Now, with Super Lasik vision, I can just see what they look like naked without touching them. It's a win-win for everyone!"
Denver Broncos: Nick Foles, QB, Arizona
The Broncos were criticized for acquiring Joe Flacco last season. His contract is an albatross, but John Elway continued to defend it.
"Joe won a Super Bowl," Elway stated. "He's a winner, and I want winners on my team, no matter what the cost may be!"
Elway is doubling down on his stance, using this pick to acquire yet another former Super Bowl champion.
"Nick won a Super Bowl, too," Elway said. "This means he's a winner, so it doesn't matter how much he's getting paid. No matter what the cost, I'm willing to pay it for winners!"
Atlanta Falcons: Common Sense Coach
Some of you may have noticed that the Falcons made a surge in the second half of the 2019 campaign after a slow start. They finished 6-2 after beginning 1-7. Part of the reason for this change in fortune was that the Falcons tasked Raheem Morris with coaching the secondary rather than the receivers. Morris was a defensive coach to begin with, so it was odd that he coached the offense in the first place.
This move provided the Falcons with the incentive to make this draft choice. They obtained a Common Sense Coach to help them make more logical decisions.
"Thank God we finally have a Common Sense Coach," a die-hard Falcon fan said. "I don't know what's happening, but the stuff the team's been doing doesn't make any sense."
He's right. There's been some buzz that the Falcons were going to make some curious positional changes this season.
"Why don't we move Matt Ryan to safety?" head coach Dan Quinn asked. "That seems to be a good idea. We can also have Todd Gurley be our kicker, except when we're doing onside kicks, and Julio Jones can handle those."
Fortunately for the Atlanta fan base, those moves won't come to fruition in the wake of the Common Sense Coach being hired.
Go to 2020 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32
Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.
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