Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2019.
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Real 2019 NFL Mock Draft
Arizona Cardinals: Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama
The Cardinals spent last year's first-round pick on quarterback Josh Rosen. The consensus is that they will use the No. 1 overall selection in this class on Kyler Murray, but general manager Steve Keim had other ideas.
"Our plan was to draft a quarterback in the first round every year until we get it right," Keim said. "But then I thought, 'Why not just take next year's first quarterback off the board in the first round this year?' It's genius!"
The Cardinals won't be able to roster Tua Tagovailoa until the 2020 season despite drafting him. However, it already seems as though Arizona is debating a change.
"I dunno, that Trevor Lawrence is looking pretty good," Keim said. "Maybe we'll trade back up into the first round to get him, too, just to be safe!"
San Francisco 49ers: Rob Gronkowski, TE, Arizona
The 49ers had an interesting offseason. They appeared to make a huge overpay for oft-injured Kwon Alexander, but it was later revealed that the money Alexander would really be receiving was really a tiny fraction of what the original numbers said they would be.
It was even more puzzling as to why San Francisco would use the No. 2 overall selection on the recently retired Rob Gronkowski, who looked like he was running in quicksand last year. General manager John Lynch explained.
"We didn't really spend the second-overall pick on Gronk," Lynch said. "This is merely a fake pick, and we'll get the selection back unless Gronk catches 500 passes next year, then proceeds to escape the seven layers of Hell, and also beats Contra without using the up-up-down-down 30-lives code."
So, if this pick isn't even going to count, why do it?
"My goal is to make that Walters Football guy look like an idiot," Lynch said. "He graded the Kwon signing as an 'F,' but we had the last laugh. Now, he's going to grade this pick similarly, and once he realizes that this isn't really our pick, he'll look super dumb."
New York Jets: Jay Cutler, QB, Vanderbilt
There was something odd about those eyes of Adam Gase during his press conference after joining the Jets...
...We thought we had seen a similar look before, but we couldn't quite figure out why it was so familiar. Gase revealed the answer after making this selection.
"My name isn't really Adam Gase," the Jets' new head coach revealed. "My name is Adamxandria Ocasio-Gase, and I am the long-lost twin brother of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. With this pick, we're taking Jay Cutler."
But why Cutler if the Jets already have a quarterback?
"I'm the boss, and I'm revealing my Green Jets Deal," Gase stated. "We're trying to save the environment because our planet will die in 12 days if we don't, and in this Green Jets Deal, we're willing to draft quarterbacks unwilling to play, so Jay is the ideal candidate."
Cutler, who was staring at his front lawn, was asked for comment about joining the Jets.
"I dunno, I don't care," Cutler said.
New England Patriots: Nick Bosa, DE, Ohio State
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a trade! The Raiders have dealt this selection and Antonio Brown to the Patriots for first-round picks in the 2031, 2045 and 2085 NFL Drafts.
"I guess we'll take Nick Bosa," a confused Bill Belichick said. "I don't know how we got this pick in exchange for draft choices we'll have when I'm not around, but I'll take it."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Lyft Driver
New head coach Bruce Arians has been brainstorming ideas about how to keep Jameis Winston out of trouble. The concern is that Winston is always in danger of getting into off-the-field issues, even when getting driven by Uber drivers, for obvious reasons.
"It suddenly hit me," Arians said. "I know exactly what to do."
Arians used the No. 5 overall pick on a Lyft driver to always be available to drive Winston around. Winston was excited about this new possibility until he saw the Lyft driver.
"Eww, the Lyft driver is so ugly!" Winston complained.
1994 Los Angeles Raiders: Marshall Faulk, RB, San Diego State
Would the Giants use this pick on a quarterback of the future? No. Actually, quite the opposite.
"I don't understand why everyone thinks we need a quarterback of the future. That's stupid," general manager Dave Gettleman said. "We don't need a quarterback of the future. We need a quarterback of the past."
The Giants traded this selection to the 1994 Los Angeles Raiders for quarterback Jeff Hostetler. The 1994 Los Angeles Raiders, in turn, selected Marshall Faulk, the best player from the 1994 NFL Draft.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida
And here we thought the Jaguars couldn't get dumber compared to what they did last offseason, when they extended Blake Bortles. We were wrong.
"Everyone thought we would move on from Blake, but they were wrong, muhahahahahaha!" general manager David Caldwell cackled. "We signed Nick Foles just to throw everyone off the scent that we were going to use this selection on Blake, so that we could ruin the hopes and dreams of Jaguar fans forever!"
That's quite the assumption, Mr. Caldwell. We're not quite sure where he got the notion that "Jaguar fans" exist, and we're not going to take his word for it.
Detroit Lions: Tom Brady and Bill Belichick Bobbleheads
The Lions have exerted lots of energy trying to become the New England Patriots. They've hired plenty of ex-Patriot front office members and coaches, and they've signed several former New England players. That, however, was not enough.
"We were listening to Walters Footballs podcast, and he said that the Lions were dumb for trying to be like the Patriots because what makes the Patriots great are Brady and Belichick; not the other guys," said general manager Bob Quinn. Head coach Silent Bob nodded in agreement.
The Lions tried to trade for Brady and Belichick, but failed. They had to resort to the next-best thing.
"We have these cool new bobbleheads of Brady and Belichick," Quinn beamed. "Surely, they will help us take the next step." Head coach Silent Bob nodded in agreement.
This plan doesn't seem great, in all honesty, but at the very least, the Belichick bobblehead has the same level of charisma as the real Belichick.
Buffalo Bills: Antonio Brown Voodoo Dolls
You know that idiom, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Well, the person who first said that never met a Buffalo Bills fan.
Ever since Antonio Brown threatened to retire rather than join the Bills via trade, Buffalo backers have been plotting their revenge. They've collected plenty of batteries and snowballs to throw at Brown the next time he visits Buffalo. The front office has taken note of this, offering a better solution.
"We're going to have Antonio Brown Voodoo Doll Day here at Orchard Park," said owner Terrence Pegula. "All of these Antonio Brown voodoo dolls are 100-percent certified by shamans who live in the Bayou. If our fans poke their Brown dolls with needles, the real Brown will get hurt!"
We're fully expecting Brown to sit out the Buffalo game.
1993 Los Angeles Raiders: Michael Strahan, DE, Texas Southern
John Elway is sick and tired of drafting quarterback busts. In fact, he has vowed never to do that again.
"I like this whole getting a quarterback of the past thing that Gettleman was talking about," Elway said. "I think we'll do that."
Elway has decided to upstage the Giants, trading this pick to the 1993 Los Angeles Raiders for Jeff Hostetler. By doing so, the Giants no longer have Hostetler on their roster, per time travel rules.
"Jeff is entering his prime!" Elway exclaimed. "I'm very excited for him. He has many years ahead of him even though he's 57 years old."
The 1993 Los Angeles Raiders, in turn, selected Michael Strahan, the best player from the 1993 NFL Draft.
Cincinnati Bengals: Samwell Tarly, G, Tarly
The Bengals have spent a considerable amount of money on bad players this offseason. That has apparently extended to the 2019 NFL Draft.
"Derp dee derp, we're going to draft Samwell Tarly and give him $500 million in guarantees, derp dee derp," said Marvin Lewis' incompetent replacements.
Green Bay Packers: Thimble, WR, Monopoly
The Packers are not in the best financial situation. They had a crazy spending spree in free agency. They signed Za'Darius Smith, Preston Smith, Adrian Amos, then not only Billy Turner, but Jody Turner, Pinky Plumber and Herb Stein. Things were looking up for the Packers until it was revealed that they overestimated their finances.
"We're broke," whimpered general manager Brian Gutekunst. "We have no money left, so we had to do the next-best thing possible."
The Packers have selected the Thimble from the Monopoly board game.
"If the Thimble passes go, we can collect $200, and that'll help a lot," Gutekunst said. "Hopefully we land in Free Parking, too. We can't afford to pay for a hotel; let alone two houses."
Unfortunately, this plan backfired, as the Thimble is no longer a Monopoly piece. Gutekunst was in tears upon learning the news.
Miami Dolphins: Tank
We knew the Dolphins were going to tank for Tua Tagovailoa in the 2020 NFL Draft, but we didn't realize they'd take it to this level.
"We've drafted an actual tank," revealed head coach Brian Flores. "Because tanking on the field is not enough. We need a real tank."
The plan, according to Adarn Schefter, is to fire the tank into players who are trying a bit too hard. This will keep Miami from winning.
"Victories would be horrible for our plan," Flores explained. "We need to punish those trying too hard by blowing them up."
Atlanta Falcons: Exorcist
The Falcons thought they were upgrading their coaching staff this offseason when they fired Steve Sarkisian. We did, too. However, that has not quite been the case.
"I was looking over the playbook the other day when I heard a voice in my head," offensive coordinator Dirk Koetter said. "It said, 'Don't pass to Julio in the end zone' and 'Don't utilize play-action at the goal line.' I kept hearing thoughts like these that weren't mine. It took me a while to figure out whose voice it was, and it was Sark's!"
Indeed. The Ghost of Steve Sarkisian has been haunting Atlanta for the past couple of months. The vengeful spirit is hellbent on ruining the Falcons' 2019 season, so Atlanta has taken matters into its own hands.
The team has drafted an exorcist to expel the Sarkisian spirit from the Falcons' facility. After a quick search, the exorcist found some liquor bottles stashed in a hidden panel in the coaches' bathroom. The exorcist put the bottles into recycling, and just like that, the Sarkisian spirit was gone.
Washington Redskins: Nick Saban, COACH, Alabama
The Redskins have been in the process of acquiring as many former Alabama players as possible. They've realized, however, that it might be best to shoot for the stars.
"We've paid lots of money for Nick Saban," owner Daniel Snyder announced. "That way, we don't have to sign anymore Alabama players. Coach Saban can just recruit them to our team!"
This is not the final step in the process, apparently.
"Now that we have Coach Saban, we're going to try some of those Alabama cheerleaders - hubba, hubba!" Snyder chirped.
Carolina Panthers: Melisandre, P, R'hllor
We knew there was concern about Cam Newton's shoulder, but we didn't realize things were this bad. The situation is so dire that the Panthers used their first-round pick on Melisandre, apostle of R'hlloor, the Lord of Light.
"We had no other choice," said a sullen Ron Rivera. "Cam's shoulder is dead. After the work she did with - spoiler alert - Jon Snow, Melisandre is the perfect candidate to vivify Cam's shoulder."
Go to 2019 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32
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