2019 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 17-32

Last update: Sunday, April 1, 2019. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
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2019 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16



  1. New York Giants: Tim Brown, WR, Notre Dame
    What are the Giants going to do at receiver? That was the question heading into the 2019 NFL Draft. They signed Golden Tate, but he is coming off a down performance with the Eagles. Now, we have our answer.

    “Odell Beckham Jr. was our receiver of the future, so we didn’t need him anymore,” general manager Dave Gettleman explained. “What we need is a wide receiver of the past. We now have our man.”

    It’s unclear if the Giants’ strategy of collecting former players in their 50s will pan out. Gettleman lashed out at the critics.

    “No one understands our great plan,” Gettleman said. “Everyone’s overreacting to a couple of decisions we’ve made, but when it all comes together, people will understand how great our plan is.”

  2. Minnesota Vikings: Support Group
    The Vikings haven’t known Kirk Cousins for very long time, but they’ve been quick to diagnose his problem.

    “Kirk has a problem, and we’re here for him,” said head coach Mike Zimmer. “We’re even going to use this pick to help solve his condition.”

    We weren’t aware Cousins had a dire situation prior to this announcement. However, it’s come to light that Cousins has a problem with Bulimia.

    “It has to be it; there’s no other explanation,” Zimmer said. “I’ve never seen someone choke and gag so much, especially when there’s a big game on the line. He must eat a lot before these big games, and then because of his condition, he wants to vomit all over himself.”

    The support group the Vikings drafted for Cousins will talk him through his troubles and hopefully will prevent him from barfing after eating so much.

    “It’s a relief,” Cousins said. “I don’t know why I eat so much before big games, but I have to. Now, with this support group, I won’t puke in big games after those meals.”

  3. Tennessee Titans: Courage
    The Titans need interior offensive linemen and another receiver, but those are secondary needs compared to what they chose with this selection.

    “I’m so glad they got courage for me,” Marcus Mariota said. “I was too scared to play in the season finale last year, but with courage, I’ll finally be able to play in big games.”

    Tennessee was ready to give up on Mariota, but learned about his checkered past. Mariota was hanging out in the woods one day when a girl, a tin man and a scarecrow approached him. They were timid to be around an NFL quarterback, but quickly realized that he didn’t have any courage.

    “Mariota was too nervous to talk to us because of the girl,” said the Tin Man, otherwise known as Jay Cutler. “But I guess he won’t be scared now because he has courage, but I don’t really know, I don’t care.”



  4. Pittsburgh Steelers: Marquise Brown, WR, Oklahoma
    It turns out that the Steelers had a plan all along for Antonio Brown. They’ve found their replacement, and it’s another dynamic threat.

    “Antonio Brown was a total douche, so I’m glad we found a new receiver,” said general manager Kevin Colbert.

    Marquise Brown did not take kindly to this. After all, Antonio Brown is his cousin.

    “That’s it, I’m not showing up to practice, and I’m going to sit out must-win season finales – and it’s not because I’m a wuss like Marcus Mariota!” Marquise Brown exclaimed.

    This came as a shock to Colbert, who didn’t know that the two Browns were related.

    “Oops, I guess we should do more research,” Colbert said, sheepishly.

  5. Seattle Seahawks: Jawaan Taylor, OT, Florida
    After countless years, the Seahawks have finally fixed their offensive line.

    April Fools!



  6. Baltimore Ravens: Ross Pierschbacher, G/C, Alabama
    This is the Ravens’ first draft without Ozzie Newsome, and things aren’t going well.

    “I took an Alabama guy like Ozzie!” exclaimed new general manager Eric DeCosta. “I did a good job, right!? I did what Ozzie used to do! Took a Bama guy! Super Bowl here we come!”

    DeCosta beamed at Newsome, who instantly face-palmed.

    “You’re supposed to take first-round Alabama guys in the first round, and third-round Alabama guys in the third round, you idiot!” Newsome growled.

  7. Houston Texans: Jonah Williams, OT, Alabama
    Hey, look, the Texans also found a good blocker for their quarterback!

    April Fools!



  8. 1992 Los Angeles Raiders: Troy Vincent, CB, Wisconsin
    The Raiders initially traded for Jeff Hostetler, but the Broncos pulled the rug up from under them. Now, Oakland has gotten its revenge. It has gone back in time before Denver did, trading this selection to the 1992 Los Angeles Raiders for Hostetler.

    “I call Jeff Hostetler the master chef because he’s always cookin’ up a good pass,” said Jon Gruden during the press conference. Reporters were questioning the pick, but Gruden wouldn’t listen.

    “I call all of you media reporters the marching band because you’re always makin’ a lot of noise,” Gruden said.

    In addition to Hostetler, the Raiders acquired the 2110, 2117 and 2191 first-round picks from the 1992 Los Angeles Raiders, which didn’t really make any sense because the two teams are the same exact franchise.

  9. Philadelphia Eagles: Nick Foles, QB, Arizona
    The Eagles appeared to lose Nick Foles in free agency, but they apparently have retained him via the 2019 NFL Draft.

    “Guys, come on, we all know what’s going to happen,” general manager Howie Roseman said. “Nick is great in Philly, but sucks everywhere else, so we all know that he’s going to stink in Jacksonville, and then he’s going to want to retire, but then we’ll lure him out of it by promising him to get ice cream, and then he’ll come back and win a Super Bowl for us again.”

    Foles declined to comment on most of what Roseman said, but issued a one-sentence statement.

    “I hope I get triple chocolate fudge surprise when we get ice cream next time.”



  10. Indianapolis Colts: No One
    The Colts entered the offseason with the most cap space in the NFL. They were expected to make a big splash in free agency, but did nothing of the sort, outside of signing Justin Houston to a relatively cheap deal. Everyone was confused by this until general manager Chris Ballard clarified his plans.

    “I’ve done such a good job as general manager that I’ve decided to try the NFL on Hard Mode,” Ballard explained. “This means leaving at least $50 million in cap space every year. So, if you’re wondering why we still have so much money to spend, it’s because we really don’t.”

    And as for this draft pick?

    “Oh, before I forget, no first-round picks either,” Ballard said. “First-round picks are for sissies. People who play the NFL on Easy Mode. People who use the Contra cheat code. I will conquer this league on Hard Mode, and when I do, everyone will recognize me for the true genius that I am.”

  11. 1991 Los Angeles Raiders: Brett Favre, QB, Southern Miss
    It appears as though the early-90s Raiders have finally found their replacement for Jeff Hostetler. The 2019 Raiders, meanwhile, have made another deal.

    “I’m callin’ myself the Wolf of Wall Street because I’m makin’ lots of trades,” Jon Gruden said.

    This particular trade has the Raiders once again obtaining Jeff Hostetler, even though they traded for him from the 1992 Raiders. General manager Mike Mayock explained.

    “We had to make sure we got this young kid on to our club because he’s 6-foot-3, 215 pounds, soakin’ wet, and has vines for arms, and he’s a heavy-legged waist-bender,” Mayock said.

    One reporter was finally able to ask the Raiders’ brass the important question:

    “Hey, why are you trading for Hostetler from the 1991 and 1992 Los Angeles Raiders when he wasn’t even on the team before 1993?”

    Alas, it appears as though the Raiders have screwed up.

  12. Los Angeles Chargers: The Unsullied
    Dean Spanos has had enough. The owner of the Chargers is tired of his team being the laughing stock of the NFL because it can’t produce fans. Opposing teams’ backers constantly flood the stadium, but that’s going to change.

    “I’ve drafted the Unsullied, fierce, eunuch warriors who will protect Dignity Health Sports Park when it opens in 2020,” Spanos said.

    Spanos stated that the Unsullied will stand guard and ward off opposing fans. The captain of the Unsullied, Brian Stelter, will report back to Spanos, though he has apparently fallen in love with a foreign translator, despite having no testicles.

    “I paid a high price for them,” Spanos lamented. “In addition to using this pick on the Unsullied, I had to trade one of my three chihuahuas to acquire them. Hopefully this move pays off.”

  13. Kansas City Chiefs: Ten Pykes
    If you thought Chris Ballard was insane for playing the NFL on Hard Mode, you haven’t seen anything yet.

    “Hem, hem … uhh … umm … uhh … hem, hem, umm … hem, hem,” Andy Reid said at his latest press conference.

    For those of you who don’t speak in Big Red tongue, Reid said that he is playing the NFL on Impossible Mode, which would explain why he jettisoned his top two pass rushers this offseason.

    Not only do teams have to get rid of good players on Impossible Mode, they have to kill 10 of them off during each offseason. That’s exactly what the 10 pykes are for.

    So, whose heads will be placed on those pykes? Your guesses are as good as ours, though we doubt it’ll be Patrick Mahomes, Tyreek Hill or Travis Kelce because they’re the main characters, and killing them off would anger too many fans.

  14. Green Bay Packers: Wheelbarrow, TE, Monopoly
    The Packers’ plans were thwarted when they learned that the Thimble is no longer a Monopoly piece. Luckily, they had a second first-round pick.

    “This will surely work this time,” general manager Brian Gutekunst said confidently. “I can’t wait to collect $75 because of a bank error in my favor!”

    Unfortunately, this was yet another wasted pick, as the Wheelbarrow, much like the Thimble is defunct.

    “This is such f***ing bulls**t!” Gutekunst bellowed. “Why do they keep banning pieces in Monopoly!? What’s next, no Shoe!?”

  15. Los Angeles Rams: Brain
    Jared Goff was unusually happy when the Rams were on the clock. That’s because he knew he was getting exactly what he desired.

    “My friend Marcus Mariota got courage, and now I finally can have a brain!” he exclaimed.

    We were well aware of Goff’s exploits in the land of Oz with Mariota and Cutler after Goff forgot his own snap count during the Super Bowl.

    “Counting is hard sometimes,” Goff admitted. “What comes after one? I’m not sure. Eighty-eight, maybe? Now, with this brain, I can finally count and not screw up snap counts.”



  16. New England Patriots: Tonya Brady, QB, Michigan
    The Patriots have found their successor for Tom Brady. We were well aware of Robert Kraft’s admiration for this prospect when he made a personal visit nearly three months prior to the draft. We weren’t quite sure of this person’s identity, but that has finally come to light in the wake of this pick. We now know exactly who Kraft was visiting in Florida…



    Let’s hope this union has a happy ending!



  17. Real 2019 NFL Mock Draft


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