This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2011 NFL Mock Draft or 2012 NFL Mock Draft.
Carolina Panthers: None
(By Jerry Richardson, Panthers owner)
I'm paying $1.99 per word here, so I'm gonna make this brief. I hate all quarterbacks. Peyton Manning can suck my old balls. So can Drew Brees. I f***ing hate Drew Brees. I drove to his house the other day and urinated in his mailbox. Ha! As for Tom Brady, let's just say I have special plans for his gay ponytail. There's no CBA, so I ain't drafting nobody. I'm gonna keep all the money all to myself muhahaha! This was the best $173.13 I've ever spent!
LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR: NO PLAYER BELONGS IN THE FIRST ROUND!!! Some people say A.J. Green. I don't think he's a first-round pick. Some people say Da'Quan Bowers. I don't think he's a first-round pick. Some people say Cam Newton. I don't think he's a first-round pick. Some people say Blaine Gabbert. I don't think he's a first-round pick. Some people say Marcell Dareus. I don't think he's a first-round pick. Some people say Patrick Peterson. I don't think he's a first-round pick. Some people say Jake Locker. I don't think he's a first-round pick. Some people say John Clay. I don't think he's a first-round pick.
What should this pick be? I'll tell you what this pick should be. I'll tell you what this pick should be. I'll tell you what this pick should be. I'll tell you what this pick should be. I'll tell you what this pick should be. I'll tell you what this pick should be. This pick should be fluid. This pick should be smooth. This pick should be fluid. This pick should be smooth. This pick should be fluid. This pick should be smooth. This pick should be fluid. This pick should be smooth. Fluid. Smooth. Fluid. Smooth. Fluid. Smooth. Fluid. Smooth. Fluid. Prospect has to bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees. Bend the knees.
Cincinnati Bengals: Carson Palmer, QB, USC
(By Carson Palmer and Mike Brown, feuding couple)
Mike Brown: I don't care what anyone says. I'm drafting Carson Palmer to make sure he comes back to my team next year!
Carson Palmer: I already told you, old douche. I'm never setting foot in Paul Brown Stadium again. I have $80 million in my bank account.
Mike Brown: But Carson, you have to come back. I need you so bad.
Carson Palmer: Do you know what else needs me? The $80 million in my bank account.
Mike Brown: Please, Carson, be reasonable. I will give you my clipped fingernail collection if you come back.
Carson Palmer: No Mike, I have $80 million in my awesome bank account so I can just buy other fingernails.
Mike Brown: I'll cut your brother Jordan if you don't return!
Carson Palmer: F*** him, he's a loser. Do you know how much money he has in his bank account? Seven bucks. That's it. That's 79 million, 999 thousand and 993 dollars less than I do.
I duno understadns errone thknk the Carnals gonnn draftf a quarback?!?F Dont they knw taha dreeekeke anderssso the staertrin quaarrback of thea cardnz? Deresk anderson is me goddd damn!!@#$ DI on kthink anythirn's funn! Camera caugght me and dduevce laututui on the benh lauyghin but we wewre laughin at sometrhin else i swesar! I;m the besit quarter back in the nFl i mean the best cqu artebrack in the NFl west. Fu8f8e Johsn SKeotin and fh Balein Gabebrt and gherui Cam nEwton he iswfd nothingr compared to th derek anderdon.
** Disclaimer: I actually typed the above paragraph when I was drunk to capture the essence of Derek Anderson's fabricated intoxication. **
Cleveland Browns: Unclear
(By Eric Mangini, former Browns coach)
There have been a lot of rumors about me and Erin Andrews lately, and I want to clarify them. First of all, the Browns did not fire me because I'm a terrible coach like they said. They fired me because Mike Holmgren is jealous that Erin Andrews is my almost girlfriend.
Second of all, Erin Andrews and I are not real boyfriend and girlfriend yet. I called Erin Andrews the other day to ask if she finally wants to be my real girlfriend instead of my almost girlfriend. When I said, "Hi this is Eric Mangini, your almost boyfriend," she answered, "Stop calling me, you sick stalker." I guess she was confused. She's been complaining on Facebook about being stalked by a fat kid. What a jerk. If I find him, I'm gonna kick his butt. I've been doing some bicep curls with my mom's 10-pound weights, so I'm very strong now.
Lastly, despite all of the speculation that I may do so, I'm not going to ask Jenn Brown on a date. I won't even look at Jenn Brown because I'm faithful to my almost girlfriend, Erin Andrews.
I hope all of this quiets the rumors going around about me and Erin Andrews.
San Francisco 49ers: Postponed to Friday
(By Rebecca Black, songstress)
Gotta make my mind up, which pick caaan I maaaake? It's the seventh pick, seventh pick, gotta get down on the seventh pick. Everybody's lookin forward to the seventh pick, seventh pick. Seveeenth pick seveeenth pick, gotta get down on the seveeenth pick. Everybody's lookin forward to the seventh pick, seventh pick. Peterson and Miller, YEAH! Amukamara and Quinn, YEAH! Draft, draft, draft, draft, lookin' forward to the seventh pick.
The laaast pick was the sixth pick, sixth pick. Right nooow it's the seveenth pick, seventh pick. We we we on the clock. We on the clock. We gonna make a draft pick right now. The next pick is the eight pick, and the ninth pick comes afterwaaaarrrddssss... I don't want this draft pick to eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend.
Heh? Everyone's saying why do I want to draft Vince Young when I already have him? Well, I want him! And I don't have him! It's the 2006 NFL Draft God dang it, and Vince Young is the best quarterback available, better than Jay Cutler from that school and that idiot homosexual from USC. I want Vince and no one's gonna stop me from getting him! I'm gonna fire the next assistant of mine who tries to tell me that I already had Vince on my team and then cut him. I would never cut Vince. I love Vince and would never do anything bad to him. And if Jeff Fisher has a problem with that, I'm gonna fire that mustachioed bastard!
I looked through the Cowboys team real hard and I figured out what they need to become a Hall of Fame champion. They need Vince Young, who is a Hall of Fame quarterback. That's me ha. That will solve all their problems.
I have always wondered something. Why do the Cowboys call themself the Cowboys if the logo is just a big giant star? Maybe the Starboys would probably make more sense ha. Cowboys come from when a male cow has sex with a woman girl, and they have a baby boy who is a cow but also a boy at the same time ha.
Washington Redskins: Jake Locker, QB, Washington
(By Joe Theismann, NFL Network analyst)
I talked to the janitor here at NFL Network, and he said that Jake Locker reminds him of Tom Brady. Imagine how good the Redskins would be if they had Tom Brady. That's why the Redskins need to draft Jake Woodcock.
On a related subject, Matt Millen will be issuing his pick soon. Try to pay attention to how fat Matt Millen is. Matt Millen is so fat that he watched 90210 last night - as in the number that read on the scale. I have prepared 30 cheeseburgers to distract Matt Millen from eating the office supplies, but he'll probably do that anyway. If I have to buy another stapler again because Matt Millen ate it, I'm seriously going to stop talking to my awesome sources who tell me what to say on live broadcasts.
The Houston Texans are on the clock. The card is in... WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! PATRICK!!!!!!! PETERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUNG FELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOUSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE LIFTOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota Vikings: Kunta Kinte, WR, Virginia
(By Adrian Peterson, Vikings running back)
Adrian Peterson: Despite what anyone says, the NFL is modern-day slavery. I'm drafting Kunta Kinte, a former slave, so he can confirm this.
Kunta Kinte: Thank you for drafting me. Where do I go to get branded?
Adrian Peterson: Your agent will take care of that for you. Being the No. 12 pick in the NFL Draft, I'm sure you'll get to choose from several brands of products to advertise. All you'll have to do is speak for about 30 seconds in a commercial, and you'll get paid. Easy money.
Kunta Kinte: Paid?
Adrian Peterson: Duh. You're not going to be a spokesman for Pepsi or McDonald's for free.
Kunta Kinte: Well, OK, when the masters ask me whether I want to be castrated or have my right foot cut off, which should I choose?
Adrian Peterson: Don't worry about that either. The Vikings have state-of-the-art doctors and medical facilities at your disposal. If your foot gets cut off, they'll repair it in no time.
Kunta Kinte: And when I have a daughter, will the masters take her away from me and sell her to North Carolina?
Adrian Peterson: North Carolina? That would suck if she were traded to the Panthers. But stay calm. As long as you pay child support, you'll be fine. But considering that you'll be getting a signing bonus of $15 million, that shouldn't be an issue either way.
Kunta Kinte: Wait, so in this modern-day slavery, I get paid for doing commercials, receive terrific medical treatment and earn millions of dollars for playing a game?
Adrian Peterson: Yeah, and if you play well, you get another massive contract. It's a nightmare, isn't it?
Detroit Lions: Jon Baldwin, WR, Pittsburgh
(By Matt Millen, incompetent person)
Jonathan Baldwin might just be the best football player I've ever seen. He's a young stallion. He's built like a Greek God, and I'm sure he's equally as good in the bedroom. Jonathan Baldwin is 1,000-percent USDA Man. If I had a Polish kielbasa and a Jonathan Baldwin in a secret motel room, I'd... well you know... wait, is that a stapler on the desk!? NOM NOM NOM NOM.
St. Louis Rams: Charlie Gantt, TE, Michigan State
(By Josh McDaniels, Rams offensive coordinator)
Wow, what a homo. He should have called that mock draft April Gay Fools Mock Draft. How dare he make fun of me? I'm Josh f***ing McDaniels. No one makes fun of Josh f***ing McDaniels except for Josh f***ing McDaniels! Got that straight, loser!?
And f*** all of you who think I did a s***ty job in Denver. I'm f***ing awesome. The Denver Broncos are just a bunch of f***ing dildos.
I need a f***ing great blocking tight end for my f***ing ridiculous offense. You gotta problem with that, douche bags? I didn't think so.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God - I GOT CAM NEWTON!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!
Cam Newton is soooo cool. He's more cool than Gloria Estefan and Jennifer Lopez. He's an entertainer and an icon - just like me and all of my cool friends.
The first thing I'm going to do with my best friend Cam Newton is play three-on-three basketball. It's me, Cam Newton and Emilio Estevez, and we're not going to lose to anyone!
Jacksonville Jaguars: Ahmad Black, SS, Florida
(By Tim Tebow, our lord and savior)
There were a lot of rumors last year about the Jaguars taking me. They didn't, but that's OK. God has blessed me with an opportunity to play with the Broncos, and God has blessed the Jaguars with more fans at the games last year. I only wish the best for the Jaguars, and that's why I'm giving them Ahmad Black. He's a really nice guy. He's an awesome person and has a big heart.
Anyway, I think it's good that I didn't play in Jacksonville. From what I hear, there are a lot of girls who wear skimpy clothing in the Jacksonville area. Some guys might like that, but I don't. Why would I want to see girly parts? Girls have cooties. A lot of girls want to take pictures with me, and while it's uncomfortable, I don't want to reject them because God has blessed both of us with the opportunity to be in a picture together, and God has blessed the camera to be able to take pictures.
Seems unlikely Jets go Qb this early in the draft with early picks Hackenberg and Petty on the roster. More likely they wait till next year when they know more about whether either of them can be a starter