This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. I put 32 celebrities on the clock and had each of them make a pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2011 NFL Mock Draft or 2012 NFL Mock Draft.
New England Patriots: Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
(By Mel Kiper and Todd McShay, ESPN NFL Draft analysts)
Mel Kiper: Oh man, I just bought a fifth mansion with all this money Jimmy Clausen's agent is sending me.
Todd McShay: Mel, I noticed some disparities in your big boards and mock drafts. I'd like for you to clear them up right now!
Mel Kiper: Ugh. Go away, insignificant douche.
Todd McShay: You had Newton fifth then Gabbert ninth then Newton third then Gabbert 13th then Newton 10th then Gabbert fifth then Newton 11th then Gabbert eighth then Newton seventh then Gabbert first then Newton third.
Mel Kiper: Todd, shut the f*** up.
Todd McShay: I just wanna know where you stand Mel!!!! Where do you stand!?!?!?!
Mel Kiper: Todd, you didn't have Newton in your top 32 back in January, and now he's 13th on your big board, so explain that, you piece of s***.
Todd McShay: I- err- umm- er- uhh- umm- derr- but Alphonse from the tanning salon said- I- err- uhh- umm-
Mel Kiper: Just what I thought. Todd, if you want to be useful, help me design my sixth mansion.
Todd McShay: Alphonse from the tanning salon says Cam Newton shouldn't go before the sixth round because he's not tall enough, and he also says Blaine Gabbert is awesome!
San Diego Chargers: Unclear
(By Dan Fouts, CBS color analyst)
It's time for the San Diego Chargers to draft. The Chargers have the 18th pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. This is one spot behind the 17th pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, which belongs to the New England Patriots. It's also two spots behind the 16th pick, three spots behind the 15th pick, and four spots behind the 14th pick. The Chargers have a lot of choices here. There are tons of great players, so that means the great players they don't pick will fall past the 18th pick. The 18th pick is one spot ahead of the 19th pick, owned by the Giants, and two spots ahead of the 20th pick, owned by the Buccaneers. After that, it's the 21st pick, then the 22nd pick, and the 23rd pick is after that.
New York Giants: Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College
(By Mike Mayock, NFL Draft analyst)
The No. 1 tackle on my board is Anthony Castonzo from Boston College, not the consensus top tackle, but the top tackle on my board, you hit all the bases with Castonzo, 6-7, 311 pounds, soakin' wet out of Boston College, up from 6-7, 295 a year ago, did a great job putting on weight and keeping his elite athleticism, 28 reps of two and a quarter, ran a 5.21 40, not a great 40 time, but linemen are never going to run 40 yards on the football field, has got vines for arms, measured at 34 and a half inches at the Combine, has quick feet, great technician, graded him as a top-15 prospect this year, could have been a top-15 prospect if he declared last year, would be the No. 1 overall pick in the draft if people didn't hate Boston College, has all the makings of a franchise left tackle, had a great career at Boston College, was unbelievable in the Senior Bowl practices and stood out during the game, continued his momentum at the Combine and then at his Pro Day, I'd tweet about this, but I don't like technology, but the team that drafts Castonzo is going to get a fantastic blind-side protector for their quarterback, but he can play every position on the offensive line including 99-technique, but excluding center, he's a smart kid, he works hard, he's plug and play, he'll never let you down on the practice field or during game day, I can go on forever about his intelligence, foot quickness, agility, positive character, effectiveness in both the running game and pass protection, I watched game tape on all of his games and didn't notice a single bad play.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Arron Sears, G, Tennessee
(By Arron Sears, former Buccaneers guard; current crazy person)
I understand it if you're wondering how I'm doing this - making a pick from a jail. That is because you're all simple-minded fools. I smuggled in a pack of cigarettes in my anus. But these are not ordinary cigarettes. These are cigarettes from the future. There's a magic button inside one of them that will make the entire jail wall explode. Once I hit that button, I will be a free man.
As for this pick, I am picking Arron Sears. How can I pick myself, you ask? Ha, such simpletons. When I escape from jail, I will be reborn as a deity. Thus, I can travel back in time and re-enter every single NFL Draft and have every single team pick Arron Sears with every single selection. Every player from here on out will be Arron Sears. Nay, every person on this planet will become Arron Sears following my rebirth.
After this, the entire Arron Sears population will construct a galactic cruiser. We travel into space and destroy all the aliens that are currently holding our planet hostage. We will then travel into a black hole, which will propel us into an alternate universe. I wish I could tell you what will happen after that, but you pitiful beings currently think in only three dimensions.
Kansas City Chiefs: Ran out of time
(By Jon Gruden, Monday Night Football analyst)
Before I get to this pick of the Kansas City Chiefs, I'd like to give my analysis on some of these draft prospects.
Cam Newton, I call him the Wild Dog, because he can run the Wildcat, but he can also play regular quarterback, which makes him better than a Wildcat quarterback, and dogs are better than cats.
The other quarterback, Blaine Gabbert, I like to call him the Jumper, because he jumped from being a Round 2 prospect to a candidate for the first overall pick for no explicable reason.
Then we have Marcell Dareus. What a phenomenal player. I like to call him the Truth or Dareus, because not only is he the truth, but if you dare-us try to block him, you're gonna get killed.
Now let's move on to Da'Quan Bowers. He's gonna be a great pass rusher. I like to call him King Koopa, because the main villain in Super Mario Bros. was named Bowser, and Bowser reminds me of Bowers.
Then we have Patrick Peterson. What a terrific corner. I like to call him Pistol Peterson because you have a better chance of avoiding a bullet shot out of a pistol than getting open against Patrick Peterson.
And then we have...
*** Jon Gruden would keep going for hours. He didn't draft anyone. ***
Indianapolis Colts: Unclear
(By Dick Stockton, FOX play-by-play announcer)
The Indianapolis Colts are now on the clock! Led by Peyton Manning, the Indianapolis Colts lost in the playoffs to Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins. Manning had a terrific season, considering he was missing Austin Collie, Dallas Clark and touchdown Kurt Warner to Torry Holt! The Colts have to be looking for a left tackle because Peyton Manning is one pitch away from a perfect game! Manning is on the verge of signing a new contract and guys, I think there is a sparrow living in my head. The sparrow keeps pecking at my skull, it's so irritating, and I don't think I can Joseph Addai needs to stay healthy for the Colts to have a Super Bowl run next year.
I can't believe this pious b**** WalterFootball continues to call Michael Vick "QB Dog Killer." F***ing a**hole won't give Michael Vick a second chance.
Michael Vick is a great guy. In fact, he's my best friend. He once signed my autograph. All I had to do was hide in his bushes for five hours until he came outside with a dog corpse that he wanted to put in his trash can. I walked up to him and he looked surprised. "You're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you?" he asked. I said, "Of course not, Mike. You're my bestest friend in the whole world. I once rolled a boulder past your house, remember?"
Even though he scratched his head, I knew that he remembered me. I asked for his autograph and he said he'd give it to me if I buried the dog corpse under a boulder. I told him I definitely would. Best friends like us always do stuff like this for each other. Michael also let me clean his gutters and paint his fence. I'd do anything for him, and I'm sure he'd do anything for me.
Hopefully that pious WalterFootball a**hole reads this and sees that Michael Vick paid his dues and is now the bestest friend in the whole wide world.
New Orleans Saints: None
(By Drew Brees, Saints quarterback)
I'm not making a pick here. I'd like to apologize to the fans for this. I know that you all want me to make a pick, but I just can't do it. I only make $15 million a year. This is not enough. If I made $15.1 million per year, I would make this pick. But there's just not enough money in my bank account. I really hope all my fans understand.
Seattle Seahawks: Jabaal Sheard, DE, Pittsburgh
(By Tom Cable, Seahawks offensive line coach)
I pIcK jAbaAl ShEaRd I rEaD sOmEwHeRe In iNtErNeT tHaT hE hIt MaN In ArT gAlLeRy AnD WaS aRrEsT. iF jAbaAl ShEaRd sTrOnG EnOuGh To HiT mAn He sTrOnG EnOuGh To HiT wOmAn. I haAaAaAaAaTe WoMaN!!!!! wOmAn NEvEr MaKe Me DiNnEr WhEn i AsK! nExT tImE wOmAn No mAkE mE dInNeR i WiLl PuNcH wOmAn AnD tHeN jAbaAl ShEaRd WiLl PuNcH wOmAn AnD ThEn WoMaN wIlL mAkE dInNeR!!!!
When - you - look - at - the - tape - and - believe - me - no - one - watches - more - game - tape - than - I - do - you'll - see - that - Blaine - Gabbert - is - going - to - be - a - great - quarterback - in - the - National - Football - League. Blaine - Gabbert - is - special. He's - so - special. I - also - like - Cam - Newton - Cam - Newton - is - special - believe - me - I - watched - hundreds - of - hours - of - game - tape - and - Cam - Newton - is - so - much - better - than - that - fraud - Sam - Bradford - who - was - exposed - in - Seattle - as - the - bust - that - he - is.
Atlanta Falcons: Censored
(By Muhammad, Muslim deity)
*** Sorry, I am too scared to publish Muhammad's pick. If I do, some psychopath loser who beats women, and inexplicably wants to eliminate all Christians, Jews and gypsies (OK, gypsies I can understand) would send me the same type of death threats that Trey Parker and Matt Stone received. ***
New England Patriots: Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn
(By Charles Barkley, TNT analyst)
First of all, Nick Fairley played fantastic last season at my alma mater. He dominated in the national championship. Fairley is better than Marcell Dareus from Alabama because first of all, Nick Fairley is very ath-a-letic. First of all, Nick Fairley is more ath-a-letic than Marcell Dareus. Marcell Dareus is a fantastic player but he is not more ath-a-letic than Nick Fairley.
The Patriots need a fantastic and ath-a-letic player like Nick Fairley, and first of all, I got a question? Why do they call the Giants the "G-Men" but they don't call the Patriots the "P-Men." First of all, G is short for Giants, and P is short for Patriots. I'm gonna call the Patriots the P-Men from now on. I'm gonna call the Patriots the P-Men. The P-Men, Ernie. I'm gonna call the Patriots the P-Men because it's short for Patriots.
Thank you, WalterFootball.com, for allowing me to make this pick on your Web site. I canceled my meetings about the Libya crisis and Japan relief efforts to discuss this selection for my Chicago Bears. This is far more important than anything else going on in the world.
I screwed up my NCAA Tournament bracket, but I'm determined to get this right by being even safer than I was when I made my college basketball picks. There's a chance the Bears take the guard from Florida, Mike Pouncey. They may also look at Nate Solder, the left tackle from Colorado, or Derek Sherrod the right tackle from Mississippi State. They may also look at Jonathan Baldwin, the receiver from Pittsburgh, or Corey Liuget, the local product from Illinois.
So, those are my picks for Chicago: Pouncey, Solder, Sherrod, Baldwin and Liuget.
New York Jets: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
(By Charlie Sheen, coke addict)
I don't understand why everyone is criticizing Ryan Mallett. I have to believe that it's all George Bush's fault. It's all a conspiracy, and I plan on going to President Obama about this. There's nothing wrong with Ryan Mallett. Just like I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen, Ryan Mallett is on a drug called Ryan Mallett. If you try Ryan Mallett, your face won't melt off, but you will get hundreds of slutty whores running to get a scantron for you.
Everyone is going to wake up one day and realize how cool Ryan Mallett is. No one can process Ryan Mallett with a normal brain right now, but it'll happen after Ryan Mallett starts winning in the NFL. Ryan Mallett is full of wins. Ryan Mallett is bi-winning. Ryan Mallett wins here. Ryan Mallett wins there. Ryan Mallett has the arm of winning, the accuracy of winning and the brain of 10,000-year-old winning. Winning.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado
(By Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers quarterback)
Gey Jimym I notice from erading onlkine that you dlike to have drinks a nd love to have a good time. Ehy dfon'yt you come by the bar and I can buy some drinks for yy even rhough your underage. Then i can buy you morer and more driinks and you keepi drinkin until you're drunk adn you csn;t seer or walsdk otr stand fior do anything but pass uiut. Then i can takqe ytou to my fasovr ite spot int hebatrhroom and we can have a seyx time every nice while my body guard guards fthe bathrrom and tkeeps youre nosy sluwhire freiends from comidn in and ruining out fun.
*** Yes, this was done drunk too. ***
Green Bay Packers: None
(By Aaron Rodgers, Packers quarterback)
Like another quarterback on this list, I'm not making my pick either. But not because I'm a covetous douche bag like Drew Greed. I'm not making my pick because I hate everyone.
Let's start with Nick Barnett. What a loser. How dare he ruin my precious team photo? I was going to donate $10 to cancer research, but I'm not going to do it now because of Barnett. It's all his fault.
Next, I want to hate on Todd McShay. Who is this turd to offer his opinions on ESPN? He's never played in the NFL. He's never been a Super Bowl champion. He's never tried shoving the Lombardi trophy up his anus. He was dead wrong about me. He said Brian Brohm would be better. Brian f***ing Brohm! Ha!
And finally, I want to vent about this WalterFootball.com person. Who is this guy to make fun of all of these great celebrities? He makes fun of Shannon Sharpe's speaking disorder. He accuses Derek Anderson of being drunk all the time. He implies that Eric Mangini is a creepy stalker. And what's up with all the fat jokes? As I always say, it takes a fat person to know a fat person.
But you know what? I kept reading this celebrity mock draft, and I noticed that he berated Todd McShay. As long as WalterFootball continues to do this, he'll be OK in my book.