Last update: Wednesday, April 1, 2016. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
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Tennessee Titans: Time Expires (No Pick)
It's strange that teams selecting first overall often use a good chunk of their allotted time during the draft. You'd think, after all, that they'd know whom they were going to take after effectively being on the clock for four months. Don't tell the Titans that, as they let time expire.
"I'm sorry, but I have sooo many crazy trade offers coming in, guys," said general manager Jon Robinson. "We're going to strike a mega deal soon for this coveted first-overall pick!"
Unfortunately for the Titans, that doesn't appear to be the case.
"I was curious to see who Jon was talking to, so I picked up the phone," one Tennessee scout said. "All I heard was a dial tone, followed by an operator reminding him to press 1 to make an outside call. I guess he wasn't really talking to anyone."
Robinson, meanwhile, continued to be extremely enthusiastic.
"We've got a major blockbuster going here!" he shouted. "We're going to move down and get so many picks!"
Cleveland Browns: Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
It seems like a different team gives Tim Tebow a chance every offseason. This time, it's the Browns' turn, but they seem more serious about it than the Eagles were.
"Chip Kelly doesn't know anything; otherwise, he would've had Tebow start for him," said analytics expert Paul DePodesta, whom Cleveland hired this offseason.
At first, many speculated that the Browns were simply taking Tebow as an overreaction to the Johnny Manziel drama. Apparently, there's more to it than that.
"That certainly does help, and it'll be a relief that we won't have a quarterback douche who pretends to have a concussion, flies out to Vegas and pretends to be someone named Billy," DePodesta said. "But our analytics have shown that Tebow is the best player available. I plugged all the numbers into the Excel sheet, and it shows that Tebow has a great chance because his overall rating 1.2 gigawatts."
One-point-two gigawatts? As in Back to the Future?
DePodesta was not available for that follow-up question, as he hopped onto his hoverboard and flew out of the room.
San Diego Chargers: 50 Fans
Teams usually don't spend top-three picks on fans, but that's exactly what the Chargers have done. And it's hard to exactly blame them.
"I really wanted 80 fans, but that seemed like a stretch," owner Dean Spanos said, sullenly.
It's pretty ridiculous that Miami fans were the ones giving a standing ovation to Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates and Malcom Floyd in the home finale. Spanos absolutely had to do something about it.
"Why does no one like me?" Spanos broke down suddenly, as tears began pouring out of his eyes. "It's not fair. I'm a nice guy, but no one wants to go to my games, and no one wants to share a stadium with me. Maybe these new 50 fans will like me, but I have my doubts."
Dallas Cowboys: Kevin Hogan, QB, Stanford
We all knew the Cowboys needed a backup quarterback, but this is a ridiculous overreaction. Jerry Jones, however, talked to the media with his usual confidence and bravado.
"I don't know why everyone was projectin' us to draft a startin' quarterback when we already have Tony Romo," Jones said. "What we need is a bona fide backup, and that's exactly what we're gettin' in Kevin Hogan."
Jones said that Hogan will be the ideal reserve for the next decade-plus.
"Kevin's gonna do a good job, I'm pretty confident in that," Jones said, winking at the camera. "It's not ideal in that he's never hit a woman before, but there is no player in this league who doesn't have any flaws."
Jacksonville Jaguars: Hot Lifeguard
Much like the Chargers, the Jaguars have attendance issues. However, Jacksonville seems to believe that it already has the fans; it just needs something - or rather, someone - to lure them in.
"As you all know, team and fan morale has been quite low," said general manager David Caldwell. "We surrender a home game each year; we haven't made the playoffs in quite a while; and we've had to deal with the situation at the pool. We're at least going to remedy the latter situation with this pick."
The "situation" at the pool has to do with the lifeguards. All of them are either dudes or fat chicks. And the fans say that this has been a problem.
"It's horrible," said long-time Jaguar fan Charlie Pace. "There's no point in swimming if a guy or a fat girl is on the stands. Now, if there happened to be an attractive woman watching the pool, I wouldn't be so scared to drown."
Baltimore Ravens: Jaylon Smith, LB, Notre Dame
Jaylon Smith would've been a slam-dunk pick at this spot had he never sustained a knee injury. However, he did actually get hurt, so it's difficult to imagine why the Ravens pulled the trigger so early.
"Yeah, I don't care about the injury because it doesn't matter," general manager Ozzie Newsome said. "Whoever I pick is going to get hurt anyway, so it doesn't matter which player I take."
Was Newsome joking? That's what everyone thought at first, but he sounded rather frustrated during his rant.
"It's utter bulls***," he bellowed. "I put together this beautiful team, and it blows up in my face! Everyone gets hurt! Breshad Perriman can't even play one f***ing game! It's ridiculous! In fact, I give up! Someone else can have my job because this s*** is just f***ing impossible!"
San Francisco 49ers: Butters Stotch, SME, Colorado
The 49ers were expected to make a strange pick in the wake of the Chip Kelly hire. Perhaps some obscure Pac-12 player whom Kelly fell in love with. But Butters Stotch? He wasn't even viewed as a second-day prospect. And what is "SME," anyway? Owner Jed York explained.
"'SME' stands for social media expert," York said, sporting a confident grin. "I recently had one of my assistants watch an episode of South Park for me because I am too important to waste 30 minutes of my time for a TV show. My assistant told me all about how Butters spent time answering people on social media for celebrities, so I thought he would make a perfect addition to my team. I have so many fans on Twitter, and everyone loves me, but I can't answer them all."
York's press conference prompted thousands of 49er fans to insult him once again, but those were for Butters to answer.
"Oh, hamburgers, I can't believe they're making me do this again," Butters said. "Unlike the other celebrities I've worked for, Jed hasn't had a single positive response, so I've had to make them up to show him that people like him. Oh jeez, did I say that out loud? Now my dad's gonna ground me again."
Philadelphia Eagles: Vernon Adams, QB, Oregon
The Eagles re-signed Sam Bradford, so they weren't expected to take a quarterback at No. 8. Even if someone did project such a move, Jared Goff or Paxton Lynch would've made much more sense with Carson Wentz presumably off the board. But Vernon Adams? That was a shocker, to say the least.
"I'm going to be quite honest with you," owner Jeffrey Lurie said, while combing his bushy eyebrows. "Chip Kelly made a fool of me, so I've decided to get revenge. I'm taking the quarterback he covets so I can watch him cry and drink his salty tears!"
Lurie then teleported to San Francisco, where Kelly was giving a press conference.
"I'm so mad at those Eagles!" Kelly squwaked. "I was going to take Vernon in the second round even though I have him as a seventh-round prosp... hey, Mr. Lurie, why are you licking my face!?"
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Court Settlement with Mons Venus
The Buccaneers did a great job of progressing last season, but there were two groups of people who weren't happy with the outcome. The first happened to be the Glazers, who own the team.
"We know we didn't make the playoffs when we saw the standings at the end of the year in the newspaper," co-owner Bryan Glazer said. "We were expecting a lot more when we drafted James Wilson with the No. 1 pick last year. That's why Lovie Jones had to go."
The second group comprised of the owner of Mons Venus, the greatest strip club in America, which is located in Tampa.
"When Jameis Winston was drafted, I suspected business would be booming," Mons Venus owner Joe Redner said. "I took out $5 billion in loans to expand the club, and I expected to make it back in a month with Jameis in town. Unfortunately, Jameis has been a model citizen, and I've lost countless amounts of money, so I've decided to sue the Buccaneers."
The Glazers have agreed to pay Redner whatever he wants.
"All of this legal talk is distracting us from managing our beloved Manchester United Team," co-owner Joel Glazer said. "Oh, and the Tampa Bay Bears as well. The American football club is very important to us, which is why we're very excited to have Dirk Williams on board coaching the team."
New York Giants: Cracker Jack Ring
Peyton Manning won his second Super Bowl in February, and many who know Manning weren't thrilled for him because he isn't a very nice person. Even his brother, Eli, was despondent, as seen here:
"It's been terrible," Odell Beckham Jr. said. "He can no longer brag about having more rings than his brother, so he has no claim to fame anymore. Eli's been so upset that he hasn't even spoken in months. I mean, granted, sometimes he goes weeks without talking because he has no personality, but months? Never."
The Giants knew they had to do something to cheer up their quarterback.
"I bought a box of Cracker Jack for the first day of spring, and out came a ring," Jerry Reese said. "And that's when it hit me - I could give Eli the ring so that he would have three."
Sure enough, Eli was thrilled. He even almost cracked a smile.
Chicago Bears: Adam Gase Hologram
John Fox had his best idea at an unexpected moment.
"Me and the boyz - that's boys with a 'z;' not an 's' - were planning a crazy night out on the town recently," Fox said. "We were just dying to go wild, so we went and saw Star Wars: Episode VII. Man it was crazy. Wooo!
"Anyway, throughout the movie, I had Jay Cutler in the back of my mind," Fox continued. "Not because of Jay's dreamy hair that I just want to run my fingers through, but because he was upset about Adam Gase leaving for Miami. Jay worked well under Adam, so he was concerned he would regress.
"And then I saw it," Fox said, pausing. "Supreme Leader Snoke. He was a hologram. Maybe Adam could be a hologram, too."
Fox has reportedly approached Gase about coaching two teams; one in person, another as a hologram. Gase agreed to it, under one condition.
"I said I'd do it if they called me Supreme Leader Gase," Gase said. "And that goes for the media, too."
Gase, oops, I mean Supreme Leader Gase assured Fox that he would make sure that Cutler would not regress the slightest bit.
New Orleans Saints: Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State
It's not usual that an NFL organization will draft another team's player, but Sean Payton said that the Saints had no choice.
"We used to win when we had an assistant coach who paid players to shell out dirty hits," Payton explained. "Unfortunately, that's not allowed anymore. I mean, sure, Greg Hardy, who was convicted of beating women can play, but when a weird coach with a goatee gives $5,000 to players to cause concussions, that's disallowed.
Payton's face turned a slight shade of red as he paused to collect his thoughts.
"Coaches aren't allowed to pay players to cause concussions, so we figured it would be in our best interest to find players who would want to do it on their own," Payton said.
Vontaze Burfict was furious about the selection.
"My film study was all for naught," he said, angrily. "I've spent countless hours studying film, trying to determine the weak point of AFC North players' brains where I can concuss them easiest, and now I have to start over with these damn NFC South players!"
Miami Dolphins: New Head Coach
Didn't the Dolphins just hire a new head coach? Why are they bringing in a new one?
"It's been three months, and we hadn't made the playoffs yet, so I decided it was time for a change," owner Stephen Ross said. "Adam Gase is a great coach, perhaps the next Bill Belichick or Bill Parcells, but in this day and age, if you don't make the playoffs in three months, a team has to go in a different direction."
Reporters tried to remind Ross that his team didn't even have the opportunity to reach the postseason in the three months Gase has been on board, but Ross waved everyone off.
"Trust me, I wanted to keep Adam on, but given the number of A-list celebrities we have coming to the games, expectations were very high," Ross said. "We have Gloria Estefan, Amanda Bynes and Cody from Step by Step all planning to attend the 2016 opener, so our goal is to have a playoff team by then."
Oakland Raiders: New Stadium
The Raiders have been rumored to move everywhere this offseason. They've been connected to Los Angeles, San Diego, San Antonio and Las Vegas. Owner Mark Davis couldn't make a deal with any of those cities, but that didn't faze him.
"It was only a matter of time before I found a place where my team could call home," Davis said. "Negotiations have been tough, but they've always broken down."
"I asked the mayors of Los Angeles, San Diego, San Antonio and Las Vegas if they liked my Captain Kangaroo haircut," Davis revealed. "They just laughed and said they didn't. I left the room each time and told them the deals were off."
Davis, however, was able to find a mayor who enjoyed his hairstyle.
"The mayor of Nuuk, Greenland, has good taste," Davis said. "I didn't even have to ask him if he enjoyed my Captian Kangaroo haircut because he had a Captain Kangaroo haircut himself."
The population of Nuuk is just 16,500, so attendance will be low. Davis didn't seem bothered by this.
"None of that is important," Davis declared. "Fans come and go, but Captain Kangaroo haircuts are for life."
Los Angeles Rams: Extension for Jeff Fisher
Jeff Fisher, record-wise, has been one of the most mediocre coaches in the NFL over the past decade. That, however, didn't stop owner Stan Kroenke from handing him a new contract.
"Jeff is the epitome of what I'm looking for from a head coach," Kroenke said while twirling his mustache. "He's not a bad coach, since we don't go 4-12 each year. He's not great either; otherwise, we'd be 12-4 each year. We're 7-9 or 8-8 each season, which is exactly where we want to be."
The Rams don't want to be a great team? If they had any fans, they would be irate.
"Why would we want to be great? That's just dumb," Kroenke said. "If we were great, we would've gotten push-back from the people in St. Louis, but they didn't care about our mediocre product. I was able to get a crap load of money by moving to L.A. After more years of medicority, I'll be able to move my team again and get more money from another city!"
It's a good thing that people in Los Angeles only care about meaningless things like their own movie careers; getting attached to the Rams would hurt in about a decade.
"I'm already looking at new cities to move to," Kroenke revealed. "I see that the Raiders are moving to Nuuk, Greenland. I wonder if they'd support two teams..."
Detroit Lions: Laquon Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
Calvin Johnson announced his retirement, forcing the Lions into this selection. They managed to obtain a replacement for Megatron.
"I'm looking forward to working with Laquon," Matthew Stafford said. "It's nice to know I'll have another tall receiver I can just launch it toward, regardless of whether he's in triple coverage or not."
Stafford may want to re-think that strategy, as Treadwell announced his retirement seconds after the press conference.
"Football's too dangerous," Treadwell said. "Way too dangerous. Despite the advances in medical science, playing poses too much of a risk."
Treadwell said that he thought about joining the National Knitting League with Calvin Johnson, but learned that Johnson also retired from that vocation.
"He said it's too dangerous," Treadwell revealed. "And he's right. Those needles could prick your finger, and the next thing you know, you have Tetanus. It's too much of a risk."