I've been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt's grammatically flawed analysis on the "Worldwide Leader," and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.
This is my 10th Emmitt mock draft. Last year, I had Matt Millen take half the picks, but I thought that Emmitt deserves his own mock draft, especially on his 10-year anniversary. I can't believe it's been a decade already! Where has the time gone?
This is what a 2017 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously, especially if you happen to be irritated by everything and have no sense of humor.
A reminder of what we've been missing on Emmitt-less ESPN.
Cleveland Browns: Miles Garrett, RB, Texas M&M
First of all, I would be remist if I did not thank Matt Miller for doing the mark draft with me last month on 2016. Matt Miller a real strange man who always sticking sausage up men's backside. Hey, whatever float your ship. But Matt Miller no longer with myselves because he got fire for stealing other people context.
Miles Garrett a great running back from the state of Texas M&M, which my favorite candy after Kit-Kit. Miles first name also mean a measure of measurement from the metric system. As I learn while in Florida college, the metric is measurement system use by the city of England. I do not know how many miles are in an inch, but probably lot of miles. Sorry for estimatating but I do not have a calculator at my possession.
San Francisco 49ers: Solomon Thomas, RB, Stanford
Sure a lot of great running back this year! I read on Walters Football.internet that Solomon Thomas the favorite to go to the 49er. Solomon Thomas remind me of a fairy tale I read when I was in Florida college about a king who name... I... I cannot remember for the lives of me, but he name after Solomon Thomas. Maybe King Thomas were his name. King Thomas was approach by two Frenchmen who say he hungry but he only have one slice of bread. So King Solomon Thomas tell themself that he gonna rip apart the bread into eight piece, so one Frenchman said OK and the other Frenchman said not OK. I forgotted what happen after but I think King Solomon Thomas get a cheeseburger and put it in between the bread and eat it.
Chicago Bears: Leonard 4Net.com, RB, LSU
The Bear do not have a great running back on his rooster since the late great Walter Payton Manning was the running back on the Bear. It is time for the Bear to make almonds for this. And the great thing about making almonds are you get to eat him after you make him on the fire. Leonard 4Net.com are both running back and Internet Web sight so I do not know how he gonna play for the Bear while he checking out people who buying stuff on himselves, but I sure he gonna make it work somehow some way.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Kendall Bantwitch, RB, LSU
Kendall Bantwitch remind me of the lady who name is witch. Witch a real scary women who use magical spell to turn you into frog, toad or pizza. Emmitt real scare of witch because one time when Emmitt was kid, his parent lead him into the forest and then he find a candy cane house that belong to a witch, and she try to fatten myselves up and throw myselves into the fire place, but I escape right in the nick of time. And by nick of time, I mean a guy name Nick comed to save Emmitt from the witch.
Tennessee Titans: Reuben Forest, RB, Alabama
Why the Titan gonna make a pick like this it's stupid! Titan already have a two good running back with DeMarcus Murray and Henry Derrick. But you can never have too many running back even if you have 20 running back on your rooster. Why not the Titan gonna add Reuben Forest? He remind me of that sandwich, I forgotted already what it call, but you can eat the sandwich. You can buy the sandwich anywhere like at the local pizza place. I sometime walk into the pizza place and ask for Reuben pizza and the guy behind the counter look at me like I have five head instead of four. Then he telled me to go to another store to eat probably because he run out of Reuben pizza because he so popularity.
New York Jets: O.J. Howard, TE, Alabama
Finally we get to the first not-running back who not a running back who not the position of running back on this mark draft. But like the wise man once said, all good thing must comed to a close. But there are relation to running back on this pick. O.J. Howard probably the grandson of O.J. Sampson because he have the same name. If you youngin, you probably don't remember how good O.J. Simpson was on National League of Football. O.J. Sampson come before me and play before me for Buffalo Bill and he break all kind of record. I not sure what record he break but he break record so hard they need to send record to hospital to unbreak it. O.J. stand for Orange Juice.
Los Angeles Chargers: Taco Charlton, WR, Michigan
I admit that I am the first to admit that I do not knowed a lot of Hispanish language. I know that ola mean hello, si mean goodbye, uno means Uno like the game, and parrot mean bird. The eighth word of Hispanish I know are taco which in English mean sandwich. It pretty crazy that Taco Charlton Hispanish parent name himselves after the Hispanish word for sandwich ... which ... excaping me right now I already forgot translate for word sandwich into Hispanish so as it turn out, your truthly only knowed five word in Hispanish after all!
Carolina Panthers: Taco Charlton, DE, Michigan
The Panther have a lot of injury last month in 2016. Some say this injury bug but sometime it much bigger than a bug. I say it a injury demon. The Panther need to exercise their demon. Maybe give the demon a 30-minute workout on the threatmill and then 30 minute lifting weight.
Anyway, I list Taco Charlton again but I remember something I want to mention about Taco Charlton, which have to do with his other name. Not the first name but the other name, I forgotted the opposite of word first. But his last name Charlton remind me of the character from my favorite TV program, Fresh Prince of Saved by the Bell. I also forgotted the name of that guy on the show but he a goofy guy with a mustache who always singing and dancing. Why cannot I remember the guy name who remind me of Taco Charlton? My memory a big jogging today.
Cincinnati Bengals: Milk Hooker, S, Ohio State
Oh no Emmitt gonna get in trouble with Mrs. Emmitt for saying this bad word, but he gonna have to take a chance. Milk Hooker name after a woman who pay guy to have sex with herselves. This unlegal in 49 states and the only states this is legal in is the state of Las Vegas. Emmitt once been to the state of Las Vegas and he can do anything there. He can gamble, he can see a show, and he get money to have sexual with hooker too as well also. Emmitt love going to the great state of Las Vegas but as the wise man once say, whatever happen in Las Vegas, happen in Las Vegas.
Buffalo Bills: Dalvin Crook, RB, Florida State
What happening with the 2017 draft? Why so many people name after unlegal thing? We have Hooker in the last pick, and we have Banwitch before that. Now we have Dalvin Crook, which name after the guy who commit the crime of crooking. Crooking real bad. If you an angel and do not know what the crime of crooking is, it is when you go out and commit a crime and become a crook, which just so happen to make you a crook because you crooking. It do not surprise me that a crook going to Florida State City because this place a place for evil. Bobby Borden was a terrorism and now we have a crook to add to the lists.
New Orleans Saints: Zach Cunningham, QB, Vanderbilt
If Zach Cunningham name sound familiar to yourselfves, it is because he relation to Randall Cunningham, former quarterback of the Eagle, the Viking and the other team. And the apple do not fall far from the orange in this case. Zach Cunningham looking like a great quarterback. Belief me I watch a lot of his film and he throwing the ball real good and his accuracism real good and his feetwork real good too. It is real good. He gonna help the Saint who do not have a good quarterback for a long time, probably since Archibal Manning were the quarterback of his team.
Cleveland Browns: Pass
The Brown gonna passed here because he already make a pick and I know the rule state if you make a pick once you might get kill if you make another pick in the draft. This real serious if you do not know. If you do not know the definitionment of kill it is to get murder. So the Brown gonna air on the side of cautious. And I hope it hot air because it is the month of winter, and Emmitt always cold in that month!
Arizona Cardinals: Shaun Watson, QB, Clemson
Did you watch the national championship game when Clemson beat Arkansas? This a very good game and Shaun Watson was name MVP, which stand for Most Player Who Value in This Game. Shaun Watson so good he probably gonna be the top pick in this draft but the Cardinal need him so he probably gonna go to the Cardinal. Carton Palmer no longer good quarterback. Look I not trying to make Carton Palmer feel subconscious but he not good last month in 2016 and now it is a new month of 2017 and Carton Palmer not getting any younger. I do not know if he getting any older but he not getting any younger neither!
Philadelphia Eagles: Mike Williams, WR, Clemson
There sure are a lot of people from the city of Clemson in this mark draft. Who making these stupid pick anyway. The Eagle could use another receiving for Carson Wins. Eagle sign my friend Alshod Jefferson and my cousin Torrey Smith in free agent sea. The Eagle now have two good receiving but he need two more good receiving which he can get with this pick. Mike Williams catch the game-winning touchdown from Shaun Watson in the Super Bowl when Clemson beat Auburn and now he gonna catch pass from Carson Wins to win Super Bowl in the National League of Footballs.
Indianapolis Colts: Jabaal Adams, S, LSU
I mention that a lot of people from the city of Clemson. Well, this like the eighth guy from the city of LSU. What do the alphabet in LSU even mean anyway. He probably mean Los Angeles School University. This make sense because Jabaal Adams remind me of Hollywood. If you not from L.A. Hollywood is the woods where actor and actorices make movie, film and show. Jabaal Adams remind me of this because he have last name Adams so he obviously a member of the Adams family which are a scary movie Emmitt Smith Sr. the Jr. Sr. III Sr., my father, telled me I cannot ever watch because I gonna join a cult. This stupid because I would never kill myselfs, not unless someone gave me good reason to do it.
Baltimore Ravens: John Ross, WR, Washington
It is time to talk about the speedster John Ross who run so fast in the 40 he gone in a blink of a cat. This mean he real fast. In fact he set the world record for the combined when he run a 1.22. He run 40 miles in one second and 22 one-somethingths of a second which real fast. It is so fast that Roger Goldman need to make a real fast animal race Jim Ross when he on the football field. Why not during a game get a cheetah or a leopard to race Jim Ross. It is probably gonna be real excitement when this happen. And you can't change the stripe of a leopard so it is gonna be real interesting to see who can run 40 mile the fastest.