Last update: Saturday, April 1, 2017. Major changes in all 1 rounds.
Next update: Every week.
Follow me @walterfootball for updates.
Cleveland Browns: Davis Webb, QB, California
The Browns have made it known that things will be different going forward. Sashi Brown held a press conference following this selection.
"We're tired of having a losing environment here in Cleveland," Brown said. "There are going to be lots of changes made. First, I'd like to announce that my name is no longer Sashi Brown, as the Browns are associated with losing. Thus, my new name is now Sashi Patriot. Second, we will no longer be serving tacos on Tuesday. We will be serving tacos on Wednesday instead."
Sashi Patriot cleared his throat.
"And third, we will be using a first-round pick on a Cal quarterback," Patriot revealed. "The Rams drafted first last year, and now look at them. They took a Cal quarterback. Now, they're not drafting first. They're not drafting second either. Or third, or fourth, or fifth. Heck, I don't even see them anywhere in the whole first round. This is clearly a great strategy!"
San Francisco 49ers: Tony Morabito, OWNER, Santa Clara
Jed York wasted no time. He scheduled a press conference and asked everyone in the media to attend. He said he had an important announcement.
"I was in my bedroom today, and I looked into the mirror," York said. "I asked the mirror, 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest owner of them all?' And the mirror told me I am, and that my next stadium should be located five hours outside of San Francisco instead of two. Ah yes, I am such a great owner that no one can ever fire me. You can't fire the owner. That's why I'm going to have John Lynch draft a statue of me at No. 2 overall."
Lynch, however, had other ideas. He apparently went behind York's back and drafted the 49ers' first owner ever, Tony Morabito, who died in 1957 during an NFL game.
"UUHHHH..." a zombified Morabito grunted, interrupting York. "UHHHH... MMM... BRAINS..."
Morabito staggered toward an unsuspecting York, who was now gazing into a tiny mirror, adjusting his $10 haircut.
"BRAINS!!!" Morabito growled, pouncing on York a couple of minutes later. York let out a girly yelp and then muttered something about never being fired. And finally, he was silenced.
The following day, the people of San Francisco held a parade for Lynch, and even though Morabito ate 20 more people, everyone was much happier.
Chicago Bears: Ruby Slippers, SHOES, Oz
The Bears have endured Jay Cutler for far too many years. But finally, the time has come to bid him farewell. Or, that's what everyone thought.
"I'm staying here," Cutler announced, to everyone's surprise. "There's a clause in my contract that says I can stay here for as long as I want as long as I don't give two f***ks about anything, and I haven't even given one f**k."
The Bears had tried everything, but they just haven't been able to get rid of him.
"I went to Oz the past couple of years, and I gave Jay everything," general manager Ryan Pace said afterward. "I took the tin man's heart, but that didn't work. I gave Jay the lion's courage, but nothing. Even the scarecrow's brain didn't help. But finally, I found the solution."
Pace brandished his phone and showed reporters a picture of ruby slippers.
"I replaced Jay's regular shoes with these bad boys, and I figured he wouldn't even notice because he doesn't care," Pace said. "Then, I left a note in his locker that said he could do nothing for the rest of his life if he said 'There's no place like home" while clicking his heels three times.'"
Reporters searched for Cutler after Pace was done talking, but couldn't find him. Indeed, Cutler is finally gone.
Jacksonville Jaguars: David Hasselhoff, HOFF, Oakland
A year ago, the Jaguars spent their first-round pick on a hot lifeguard for their stadium swimming pool.
"There's no point in swimming if a guy or a fat girl is on the stand," long-time Jaguar fan Charlie Pace said at the time. "Now, if there happened to be an attractive woman watching the pool, I wouldn't be so scared to drown."
Pace has since drowned, all because the hot woman on the stands didn't know CPR. Pace tried to tell this woman something about a penny boat, or something of that nature. She isn't the smartest person, so something may have been lost in translation.
"What we really need is a true lifeguard to accompany this hot woman," owner Shad Khan stated. "And there is only one man I know who can be an expert lifeguard while working with hot women. That, my friends, is David Hasselhoff."
Hasselhoff has since restored order in the Jaguars' swimming pool. No one has drowned, so everything is OK. Aside, of course, from the fact that the Jaguars still can't win football games.
Tennessee Titans: Jamal Adams, S, LSU
The Titans were set to pull the trigger on Jamal Adams when they received a voice mail. It was from the Rams.
"Hey Titans guys, it's me, Stan Kroenke!" the Rams' owner chirped. "Remember me? I'm the guy with the cool mustache you said you liked! Anyway, I have another trade offer for you! We want to move up for Davis Webb because he's another Cal quarterback, and we'll get you a lot! We'll give you every draft pick this year, as well as first-round picks in 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024 and 4840. Please let me know, and please can someone hang out with me tonight? I have no friends. OK, bye!"
The Titans submitted the proposed trade to the league office. Seconds later, they received an angry phone call from Roger Goodell.
"Titans, you did this last year, and I let you get away with it, but never again!" Goodell snapped. "The Rams are special. Stan is special. You don't take advantage of special people by accepting lopsided trades that they offer!"
And just like that, Tennessee had to reclutantly decline Kroenke's request. The good news is that Goodell didn't make them hang out with him.
New York Jets: Benjamin Brady III, QB, Michigan
Some Jet fans were frustrated last season because they didn't get to see Christian Hackenberg in meaningful action. The New York coaching staff simply wanted to take its time developing the Penn State product, believing that Hackenberg needed more time.
Well, supporters of the green and white haven't seen anything yet.
"We'd like to announce that we've selected Benjamin Brady III," Todd Bowles said in a statement.
Who's Benjamin Brady III, you ask? Well, Benjamin Brady happens to be the 7-year-old son of Tom Brady, meaning Benjamin Brady III is the unborn great-grandson of Tom Brady.
"We've proven with Christian that we're willing to wait a long time for a quarterback to develop," Bowles explained. "One season went by, and everything was OK. The world didn't end. So, we can wait longer. If that has to be 75 years of waiting, so be it. We'll play B-B-3 when he's ready."
Los Angeles Chargers: One Fan
My, how the mighty have fallen. Last year, the Chargers drafted 50 fans after dealing with such a terrible home-field advantage. Now that they've moved to Carson City, their standards are much longer.
"No one wants anything to do with my team," owner Dean Spanos sobbed. "The 50 fans I drafted last year abandoned us as soon as I announced the move. Now, all I want is one fan. Can one fan please just show up to our games next year!?"
It's truly remarkable how much lower the standards have gotten. Spanos added that this fan doesn't even have to be real.
"If Manti can have an imaginary girlfriend, maybe I can have an imaginary fan," Spanos said, with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Yes, an imaginary fan. He'll be great. He'll come to the games, every single one, and he'll buy a soda pop, and two hot dogs, and a jersey, and a t-shirt, and maybe a balloon, and he'll pay $30 for parking. It'll be amazing!"
Carolina Panthers: Sandra Bullock, OC, East Carolina
It was a surprise to everyone, but the Panthers spent the eighth-overall pick in the 2017 NFL Draft on actress and local girl Sandra Bullock. There was some question about whether Bullock would play a poisition or join the coaching staff, and the Panthers quickly told the media that it would be the latter.
"She was brought in here to work with Michael," Ron Rivera explained.
Michael, of course, is Michael Oher, who was signed to an absurd $24 million deal last offseason despite struggling the prior year. Oher didn't perform well in three games in 2016, and then missed the rest of the season with a concussion.
"We got rid of Josh Norman for this guy, so we need things to work out," Rivera said. "Sandra helped Michael earn better grades in high school, and then she got him into college. I saw the movie. I cried. And now, I'm ready to cry again. Sandra needs to help Michael recover from his concussion so he can take the field and help us stop looking stupid for paying him so much money."
Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Mixon, RB, Oklahoma
Crack your jokes now. The Bengals have selected a troubled player.
Except, they didn't even know it.
"We're turning over a new leaf," Marvin Lewis said. "We've drafted players with off-field issues before, but we're not doing that anymore. Joe Mixon here is a high-character person; someone I would introduce my daughter to. He would treat her like a princess."
Some media members laughed. Others muttered something under their breath. One asked Lewis if he saw the Mixon video on YouTube. Lewis shook his head.
"I don't believe in concussions, and I don't believe in YouTube," Lewis barked. "You all can take your concussions and YouTubes and shove them up your a**es! Mixon is a great guy, and he's a gentleman and a scholar!"
Buffalo Bills: Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
Why can't the Bills just make up their minds? They seemed to be willing to cut ties with Tyrod Taylor when they benched him in Week 17 for financial purposes. They then had an internal discussion about whether to keep him or not, with some reports indicating that they were going to settle for Nick Foles as a replacement to "Suck for Sam" Darnold. Then, inexplicably, they restructured Taylor's contract, paying him $14.5 million in 2017.
We thought that was the end of the Taylor saga. Apparently not.
"I had a super-duper double secret meeting with some people within the organization, and we've decided to release Tyrod Taylor," owner Terry Pegula announced. "This meeting was like super-duper double secret."
Pegula was asked for an explanation, but he just muttered something about it being "super-duper double secret." Sources, however, revealed that Pegula didn't want to pay the money for Taylor. In fact, Pegula didn't want to pay money for any quarterback.
The Bills announced hours later that they would be signing Tim Tebow as a replacement for a 5-year, $0 contract.
"I normally wouldn't play for free, but the Bills promised to send some of their scouts to help my Circumcisions for Everyone Foundation."
The Circumcisions for Everyone Foundation raises money for everyone to have circumcisions, even for those who have already been circumcized.
New Orleans Saints: Lucy Preston, TIME, Georgia
Most assumed the Saints would fix their defense with this selection. Sean Payton had other ideas.
"I've been watching that time-travel show on NBC, and it gave me a great idea on how to fix this team," Payton said. "All I need is one of those time pods, and that Lucy Preston girl seems essential to those time-travel missions for some reason, so we're drafting her."
Payton then rolled in a whiteboard, and he began designing plays on it.
"See, we have five receivers here, then I go back in time and have five more receivers come on the field, so we have 10 receivers, and then we go back further into time, and then we'll have 15 receivers, and we'll keep going and going."
Wow. So is there a limit to this?
"I think I can figure out how to run an offense with 80 receivers on the field at the same time," Payton boasted. "And if 80's not enough, I'll go back in time and create five more."
Cleveland Patriots: Davis Webb, QB, California
Sashi Patriot, formerly known as Sashi Brown, has decided that changing his name isn't going to completely fix the franchise's problems. In fact, the franchise is getting a name change as well.
"We're changing our team name from the Cleveland Browns to the Cleveland Patriots," Patriot revealed. "Our team colors will be red, white and blue. The team name and color changes are going to make a huge difference for us."
So much of a difference that the Browns, erm, Patriots selected Davis Webb again by accident.
"Sorry about that," Patriot lamented. "We were so busy applying for a patent to change our team name that we completely forgot about this pick. But no worries. Changing our team name and colors, as well as my name, is way more important than adding talent to our roster."
Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner, QB, Northern Iowa
It was unknown if Carson Palmer would return for the 2017 season. He spent nearly two months deciding, as the Cardinals begged and pleaded for him to refrain from retiring. They made numerous trips to his house and sent him a dozen gift baskets.
"Some of those gift baskets even included Snickers Eggs," Bruce Arians revealed.
After much anticipation, Palmer finally confirmed that he would be returning to the team. The Cardinals were elated, and then...
"We got a call from Kurt Warner, and he said he wanted to play again," Arians said. "We were thrilled, obviously. So we told Palmer to get the f*** out. And then, we took back the gift baskets, the ones with the Snickers eggs. Can't believe we gave Snickers eggs to that worthless bum!"
Philadelphia Eagles: Will Byers, KID, Indiana
Many expect the Eagles to select a cornerback. Others think it's a running back. Some believe a receiver is still in play. That's why everyone was shocked that Philadelphia has chosen one of the kids from Stranger Things.
"After careful consideration, we've decided that it was more important to bring in someone who can help Doug Pederson decide when to go for it on fourth down," Howie Roseman said.
Pederson, of course, had an issue with this throughout the 2016 campaign. Roseman has reasoned that Byers can play Madden well as a result of his proficiency in Dungeons and Dragons. Roseman was correct, but his decision came with a drawback.
"The Demogorgon showed up and kidnapped Carson Wentz," Roseman lamented. "Carson is now in the Upside Down, but it's OK because he's communicating with me via Christmas lights!"
Roseman continued on about Christmas lights until two men showed up and carted him away in a straitjacket.
Indianapolis Colts: Cam Robinson, OT, Alabama
It finally happened. The Colts have selected a player who can actually protect Andrew Luck.
Baltimore Ravens: Joe Mixon, RB, Oklahoma
This pick is very surprising, considering what transpired with Ray Rice.
"We heard what may have happened, but there was no video of it, so no one really knows," owner Steve Bisciotti said. "Hell, he may have given flowers to the girl, for all we know."
Bisciotti looked quite alarmed when those listening to him informed him that there actually happened to be a video.
"Ugh, not again!" Bisciotti snapped. "Why does this always happen to me!? You- you know what? I blame the league! Roger Goodell hid the video from me again, I swear!"