Last update: Sometime in the month of 2013. Next update: Who in God name would update the mark draft lot of time?
I'm really glad Emmitt's on Twitter. Once in a while, I get to a read a tweet like, "Here come's Mr. Woods. He's on his game today.This."
The way the sentence just ends with the word "this." The way the word "come" becomes possessive. It just brings a smile to the faces of those who follow Emmitt, which is crucial in this dreary world we live in.
Unfortunately, it's not the same as having Emmitt on TV. And as I've vowed, until someone hires him, I'll continue to pump out these Emmitt Mocks.
This is what a 2013 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put blood, sweat and cry into it.
"This mark draft take me two month to build! That equal 12 month's!"
Kansas City Chiefs: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia
When I tell everybody I markin Geno Smith in my mark draft to the Chief, he always laughin at me and sayin, "Emmitt, you do know the Chief sign Alex Smith in the free agent?"
Off course I know the Chief sign Alex Smith - I was not borned yesterday, or even last month or last year. Alex Smith and Geno Smith need to be on same ball club because they half-brother, half-cousin. We all saw what happen in the Super Bowl. John and Jim Harbaughs was on the same ball club coachin' and they won Super Bowl together. So maybe Alex Smith and Geno Smith can copy what the Raven have doned.
Now, you may ask me, "Emmitt, why you think Geno and Alex half-brother, half-cousin when one guy from country of Africa America and one guy from country of Europe America?" Well, first of all, I read this on the Wikipedius. And second, I... uhh... forget. And last but not last, like the great Martin the Lutheran King once say, I do not judge man base on color of their skin, but by color of their character. Geno and Alex Smiths has same color on the insides but not the outsides.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia
The city of West Virginia very proud to has two prospect at top of mark draft. I can only imagine how jealousy the folk from the city of East Virginia feelin' right now. Very jealousy.
My former college of mine, Chris Morrison report the Jaguar sign Tim Tebone in the free agent. This a very good move. Not only is Tebone from my alma matters, the University of Gata, but he also good quarterback. He throwed for 316 touchdown against the Steeler in the doggone playoff when I do not even think the Bronco can winned the game.
Tebone need fast receiver. The Jaguar have Cecil Schwartz from the draft a month ago last month, but he not fast like Tavon Austin, who very fast.
Oakland Raiders: Matt Barkley, QB, USC
When everybody look back at the 2013 mark draft five month ago from now, they gonna say they havin' a lot of family on the mark draft. Geno and Alex Smiths reunite again three pick earlier, and now Matt Barkley, who uncle of Charles Barkley, famous basketball player, movin' to the Specific Ocean.
The Raider sign Matt Flint, who play for Packer. Flint become first quarterback to throw 400 touchdown in a game against Lion on Week 17. I very impressive by this, but the fact remain that this could have beened a fluke. Like the old sayin' go, one is a accident, two is a fluke.
Philadelphia Eagles: Dion Jordan, DE/OLB, Oregon
When you lookin' at the death chart for the Eagle, you see they has Trent Colds, Brandon Graham and Connor Bonnor play outside linebacker on the outside. This only three outside linebacker but some ball club like to start four on outside linebacker, so it very logic the Eagle need one more outside linebacker play outside.
This where Dion Jordan come in. Dion Jordan have no relationed to Michael Jordan according to Wikipedius, but he good football player. He so good, Chip Kelly knowed how good he was when he cruited him in high school. He probably even knowed about him in middle school or even low school.
I am very excited Chip Kelly coachin' in the National League of Footballs. Chip seem to have a chip on his shoulder, now whether that be a potato chip, chocolate chip or hamburger chip is for us to find out.
Detroit Lions: Ziggy Ansah, DE/OLB, BYU
I make a joke to my barber for April Fool last month. What do the Lion need to help himselves make the doggone playoff for the first time in one month? Give up? They need the Ansah. Because the answer to the question is Ansah.
The barber do not laugh at this, but he do not have a sense of hunger. The joke very funny because Ansah and answer look different but sound not different and spell not different. Word like that are called cinnamon. Cinnamon also mean the food you can buy in the store, so that make it a homophobe because it have double meanin'.
But I digest. The Lion need Ansah to not only answer question but to get better than they was last month when they only wonned four game. He look good in the Senior Bowl and it is impressive that he even play in the Senior Bowl because if he not good enough he sended down to Junior Bowl.
Cleveland Browns: Ryan Nasa, QB, Syracuse
I do not understand what the Brown doing. They sign a old quarterback name Brian Weeden to play quarterback last month, but now that he even a year older and a year wiser, the Brown sign Jason Campbells and lossed Coke McCoy. Coke McCoy have no relations with Pepsi McCoy, or Dr. Pepper McCoy for that matters.
The problem for the Brown is Weeden too old, Campbell too bad and McCoy too gone. Ryan Nasa play for the Orange in college and he make sense for the Brown because Brown have orange in jersey even though the ball club named Cincinnati Brown and not Cincinnati Orange or Cincinnati Orange and Brown.
Ryan Nasa is so interestin' prospect that he very interestin'. He name after Nasa, the spaceship that go to the moon. Some folk crazy and say we never wented to the moon but how do you explain guy on TV who say, "One small step for mankind, one giant step for myselves?"
Arizona Cardinals: Eric Fisherman, OT, Central Michigan
This perhaps the first time in the history of the planet or the city that a Fisherman go to the city of Arizona. Not only to play football but to live his lives. A Fisherman of course never have a reason to go to Arizona because there no water in dessert. Maybe some Fisherman try throw the hook into the sand and hope to catch a fish, but this sound like an exercise in fertility.
But Fisherman go to Arizona because the Cardinal require his servicemen. They sign Carson Palmer a year ago to replace John Skeleton, who name after the monster who the guy with the bone. Palmer gonna be hit real hard by the ball club in the AFC West Conference. The Seahawk real good, and the 49er real good, and the Cardinal real good, so Palmer gonna have to play three ball club that real good. And that not real good for Palmer! But maybe it will be real good if Fisherman protect the old man from gettin' hit in the backside.
Buffalo Bills: E.J. Manuel, QB, Florida State
The Bill sign Ryan Fitzgerald this free agent, but he almost as oldness as Carson Palmer, and when you almost as oldness as Carson Palmer, you very oldness. The Bill always seem to have oldness quarterback. They have Fitzgerald, then Carson Palmer, then Doug Flute, then Jim Kelly. All of those guys oldness, so youngness need to come to the Bill.
E.J. Manuel very youngness. I look on his bird certificate and he say Manuel born on 3/19/1990. If he really born on May 19, 1990, he only 13 if my math correct. If I make a missed steak with this, it is only because I missed place my calculator.
I hear talker on TV say he have question with E.J. Manuel accuracy. My question with E.J. Manuel only what his name stand for. O.J. stand for orange juice or O.J. Simpson, and A.J. stand for apple juice or apricot juice, but what E.J. stand for? Electric juice? I look in the supermarket for electric juice, but I cannot find him on the shelves.
New York Jets: Tim Tebone, QB, University of the Gata
The Jet season last month got debacled with a capital F. The Jet sign Tim Tebone from the Bronco, and then he do not even played Tebone. He play Mark Santiago instead which is like eatin' a cheeseburger when you got a filet minion sittin' in front of yourselves. Instead, Tebone was made a escape goat for the season.
I'm makin' this pick to proved a point. The Jet do not needs a quarterback because he already have a quarterback. Tebone from the great University of the Gata, which is where your truthly went to school.
Tennessee Titans: Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma
I draft Chris Johnson in the first pick of my fantastic football league, and he do nothin' but disappointment me. Very disappointment me. All he do is runnin' in square behind the line of swimmage. CJK2 say that he do not has good blockin', but I'm gonna telled you the truth, sometime, when I play for the Cowboys, I sometime did not has good blockin' in front of me, but I made dude with my situation. CJK2 do not do that, so do he really need good blockin' or do he need more talent? This is what the wise man call the 22 catches.
Before I move on to next pick, I need to talk about other 22 catches. For examples, what comed first, the chicken or the steak? Somebody say the chicken comed first, but if he do not exist, where did steak comed from? Or if no steak, how the chicken camed to be? I spended five days thinkin' about this 22 catches, and then I stop because I got so hungry. This 22 catches really blowed my mind.
San Diego Chargers: Mike Glennon, QB, N.C. State
Remember I said I draft CJK2 on my fantastic football team? I also draft Philip River - and I do not know who debacled my team more, CJK2 or River. My best player was a kicker name David Bakers who I draft in the third round!
With that in minds, I belief that River is all dry up - no punt intended! The Charger, who finally fire Nerve Turner and A.J. Turner, he need to find a brand new quarterback. Mike Glennon do not have the same last name as Philip River, so he cannot under any circumferences ever dried up like River have doned in recent season. I do not know what the word Glennon even mean, so this obviously good news for the Charger.
Miami Dolphins: Mantis Te'o, LB, Notre Dame State
I cannot understand for the lives of myselves why everybody think Mantis Te'o go in the round after the first round. Do everybody remember when Mantis was consider the Hisman Trophy and then he wear flower around his neck even though he not homophobe and then Jimmy Football winned the Hisman Trophy? Now everybody so downed on Mantis because he got hooks by girl on America On The Line. Even FootballWalter.com have Mantis goin' to the Viking in the second rounds, but he just jealousy that he not legible for Hisman Trophy!
Mantis got hooks but he also get trick. He felled for the girl, hook, line and stinker. She promise himselves that she would have sexuals with himselves, and then she say she die in car accidents, but she fake her deaths, and then alien comed and stolened her from planet and now she say she will not has sexuals with himselves. Let me tell you somethin' - if alien comed to the planet and stolened my wive from my house and then she not want to got imitate with myselves, I do not deserved to has everybody be anger at me even though I hooks just as bad as Mantis.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Dee Miller, CB, Alabama State
I read in the Wikipedius that the Buc want to sign Darrelle Rivers, the Pro Bowl cornerback from the Jet, but fat guy in New York askin' for 2013 pick, but the Buc only wants to give 2014 pick. In other word, the Buc and the Jet has reach an impast.
The Buc very smart not to give 2013 pick. Everybody say 2014 mark draft will be better than 2013 because lots of good player comin' out like Jimmy Football, Teddy Waterfall and Jadeveon Clown. But what if the 2014 draft do not exist? The last football season almost gotted canceled because the lock-in. What if there is another lock-in and the draft do not happen? The Jet will look more stupider than they already have becomed in the Tebone situation because then they won't has any draft pick for the trade. And that is why the impast will not become the impfuture.
Carolina Panthers: E.J. Manuel, QB, Florida State
I'm very stressful about somethin' I read in the Wikipedius the other month. A guy from Pro Football Monthly name Nolan Narcotic write article about Gene Smith. He say that Gene Smith very evil because he African American quarterback. Pardon my English, but somebody need to hit this Nolan guy upside the head for sayin' such racism thing about Gene Smith. Gene Smith may be evil, but it is not because he African American quarterback!
Somebody need to teach Nolan guy a lesson he never forgive. Nolan wroted article about Cam Norton a few month ago about the same thing. He say Norton almost kill some folk because he African American quarterback. But Nolan never seened this comin' - what if the Panther want to proved him wrong by draftin' another African American quarterback? One is a accident, two is a fluke, and Nolan will be thinkin' he wrote a fluke article about Gene Smith after the Panther make him look stupider than he already is!
New Orleans Saints: Sharrif Floyd, DT, Gata
Roger Goldman take a gun and stab the Saint in the back last month when he suspensioned head coach Walter Payton for the month. The Saint predictable struggle, and that is why they miss the doggone playoff.
Now the Saint need help on defense because their defense so terrible. The best defense player in the 2013 draft is name Sharrif Floyd. He also frommed the University of the Gata, so he gonna becomed a future Pro Bowl Famer in the National Conference League. He gonna get the Saint back into the doggone playoff and then Roger Goldman gonna get revenged against and this time somebody gonna take a real gun and stab him in the back. Then Roger Goldman gonna know how it feel when blood spray out and he ruins his suits!
St. Louis Rams: Kyle Long, OT/G, Oregon
Jeff Fisherman say he burnin' the midnight fire tryin' to figure out how to how to protect Sam Bradfield. He already sign Jake Long to a big contract. Jake Long is a natural fist. Not only he the brother of Chris Long, who very good on the defense side of the ball, but he the son of Howie Long who on FOX, and he the twin cousin of Kyle Long, who a very good prospect in the 2013 mark draft.
I only has one question about the Long family. Why all the Long go to different school? Kyle Long go to Oregon, which near the country of Seattle. Jake Long go to the M, which stand for Miami. Chris Long, the Wikipedius say he go to Virginia, which probably in the middle of the country, but I am not positive because I losted my map. And Howie Long play for the Raider, which on the Specific Ocean.
Why can't the Long become strong and go to same school? When Emmitt Smith Jr. the IV grow up and go to college, he gonna go to the Gata University like his old man. In the Emmitt Smith family, the apple do not fall far from the seed.