I have been praying that the Bengals don't select a WR in the 1st round this whole time but after watching some highlights today. My mind has changed, Corey Coleman has superstar written all over him and I would love to see him go side-to-side with AJ Green. Coleman can go up for the ball if need be, runs routes extremley well, has good speed and Lesean McCoy type cutting ability at WR. I also, was really impressed by Josh Doctson who posses almost all the same skill traits as Coleman except for the cutting and he's not quite as fast but he goes up for the ball better! I was really not to wow'ed by Laquon Treadwell, I think he runs routes well and would be a nice redzone receiver but he's definitley not going to be the best reciever out of this class. As an Ohio State fan, it's hard for me to say but I don't like Michael Thomas's shot to be good in the NFL he's very average and doesn't excel at anything, he has decent speed, runs decent routes, and is decent at going high for the ball. Tyler Boyd is tremendous at going up for the ball and is hard to take down and has good speed too. So, my takeaway from all of this is that the way these WR's will pan out is: 1) Corey Coleman, 2) Josh Doctson, 3) Tyler Boyd, 4) Laquon Treadwell, 5) Michael Thomas.
Last update: April Fools 2008. Next update: Real mock update WEDNESDAY.
This is an April Fools version of my 2008 NFL Mock Draft. This is satire. Don't take anything on this page seriously. Click here to view my real 2008 NFL Mock Draft, which will be updated tomorrow. Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy this edition.
Miami Dolphins: Vinny Testaverde, QB, Miami
Part of what makes the NFL Draft so exciting is the plethora of unexpected picks throughout the first couple of rounds. Much like the Texans in 2006 when they chose Mario Williams over Reggie Bush, the Dolphins seemed to dupe everyone who was expecting one of the two Longs to be selected with the initial pick.
"I got sick and tired of hearing about this, 'You have to draft Chris Long, Jake Long or Matt Ryan' crap, OK!?" Bill Parcells bellowed to hundreds of reporters. "I like veteran quarterbacks, OK? Not some kid who was crapping in his diapers when I was coaching the Patriots. And don't get me started on Chris Long. His dad's haircut stinks. That just proves to me that he's not ready to play in this league. This kid's been learning from that clown for 23 years. In my opinion, that stinks. I trust Vinny not to turn the ball over. He's my quarterback."
Testaverde was not available for comment, as he was too busy drooling all over his bib at the old age home.
St. Louis Rams: Marc Bulger Stunt Double, QB, West Virginia
St. Louis' failure to address the offensive line, with the exception of the signing of Jacob Bell, had the entire Rams fanbase concerned. On Draft Day, Scott Linehan ensured the navy-and-gold faithful that Marc Bulger's broken ribs count would be cut in half in 2008.
"Look, it's no secret that our offensive line is garbage. Orlando Pace is always injured, and Alex Barron has no clue what he's doing. We didn't address our line because we planned on drafting a Marc Bulger stunt double the whole time."
Linehan explained that he plans on confusing defenses by putting two Marc Bulgers in shotgun on every single play.
"They won't know which one's real. They look the same, and they're going to switch jerseys after every play. Or maybe they won't switch. The other team just won't know. You can only hit one guy, right? Well, we have two quarterbacks now! Ha! Who needs an offensive line now, suckers!?"
Atlanta Falcons: Bobby Petrino Restraining Order
Just as Roger Goodell was about to announce Atlanta's selection, Arthur Blank stormed up to the podium and screeched, "With the third pick, we're taking a Bobby Petrino Restraining Order!"
Blank was unavailable for comment, as he had to attend his meeting for "Men with Cheesy Moustaches," along with Adam Morrison, Dave Wannstedt and Rosie O'Donnell. Joey Harrington, found strolling in the courtyard of his own castle, talked to reporters.
"Gosh, yeah, I saw Bobby Petrino in our locker room the other day. He was sweating and everything. He badgered everyone. He kept begging, 'I know, I know, I stole money from Louisville to come here, and then I stole money from the Falcons to go to Arkansas, but please, oh please, I need more cash! Can you give me some spare change. Please!!!!'
"It was pretty embarrassing," Harrington continued. "And believe me, I know a thing or two about humiliation. Just look at my career. But this Petrino guy takes the cake... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to begin eating caviar and playing the piano."
Oakland Raiders: Sacrificial Maiden, Cheerleader, Oregon
By signing a plethora of crappy players coming off ACL injuries, everyone has assumed that Al Davis is making one more desperate push for a Super Bowl. Apparently, he's just a clueless GM.
The Raiders spent the No. 4 overall pick in the draft on one of the hot Oregon cheerleaders. A bedroom slave of Al Davis'? Not so much. Davis' business partner, coincidentally named Lucifer, elaborated:
"Yes, we need a defensive end and offensive line help, but what we really need is for Al to stay alive. So, we drafted this young blond cheerleader so Al can seep the youth out of her and use it replenish his body.
"Al needs to do this every 70 years or so," Lucifer continued. "He's really 540,171 years old. He's done this countless times, so it's no biggie. Only takes an hour or so, and then he's good to go. Expect some more crappy free agents to be signed next month! We haven't signed any recently because Al's been too busy scouting cheerleaders."
Kansas City Chiefs: Louis Irizarry, TE, Youngstown State
The Chiefs continued to ignore their need for offensive front help, eschewing a lineman in favor of a tight end, despite the fact that they have Tony Gonzalez in the lineup. Carl Peterson was busy putting gel in hair, and was consequently unavailable for comment. Herm Edwards addressed the puzzled fans of Kansas City instead:
"Everyone is saying we need an offensive tackle, everyone is saying we need an offensive tackle. Well you know what? We need a backup tight end too. Hello! Not a starting tight end, not a starting tight end; a backup tight end. A backup tight end! Hello! A backup tight end!"
Edwards explained that he and Peterson looked for the worst-ranked tight end on the WalterFootball.com 2008 NFL Draft Tight End Rankings, just to be sure the player they were taking was indeed a backup; not a starter. Edwards gushed that Louis Irizarry was a perfect fit in his offense:
"You know what we like to do, you know what we like to do. Hello! We run on first down... OK? We run on first down up the middle. Then, we run outside on second down. And then, we hit 'em by throwing short on third down! And we do that to win the game. Hello! We play... to win... the game!!!"
Edwards had to be restrained and was then shipped off to a mental institution, where he spent the rest of the afternoon playing Connect 4 with his new pal, Lenny.
New York Jets: Offensive Coordinating For Dummies Book
If you weren't reading this site during the regular season, I compiled a bunch of stats after the Jets' Thanksgiving Day disaster in Dallas, arguing that offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer should be fired for being the most inept person at his position in the NFL. In short, in the first three quarters, he called a run on first down 11 of New York's 14 possessions, which put an immense amount of pressure on his quarterback. The Jets gained an average of six yards in those 11 series, whereas they managed an average of 14 yards on the other three drives. For more on this, check out my 2007 Week 12 Wrap-Up for more details.
For the sake of Jets fans everywhere, let's hope the front office drafts one of these for Schottenheimer. He'd be thrilled to learn there are such things like play-action, draws and end-arounds. I just hope all of this new information doesn't overload Schottenheimer's brain and make him like George Minkowski.
New England Patriots: Rich Rodriguez, TS, Michigan
As a part of Roger Goodell's new "Eye for an Eye" policy, members of the NFL's front office bugged the Patriots' war room and distributed the audio to every other team in the league. The following is a part of their conversation:
Robert Kraft: We really screwed up this year, guys.
Bill Belichick: I know. We lost to some momma's boy in the Super Bowl despite having what people considered the best team ever.
Scott Pioli: Yeah, and we also got caught cheating. Now, me might be in trouble for taping the Rams six years ago.
Kraft: Ridiculous. Does anyone have a sandwich?
Belichick: Dude, you've eaten 20 already. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Scott?
Pioli: Yeah. We need Rich Rodriguez.
Belichick: He's an expert tape shredder. You're telling me you don't know what he did at West Virginia? He burnt, shredded and destroyed all the tapes he had. Now, the Mountaineers are hopeless without them! If we had him, we would have never gotten caught.
Kraft: Wow, I'm with you. Let's get him. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Arby's.
Baltimore Ravens: Cozy Vermont Home
Brian Billick's firing marks the ending of an era in the Ravens' brief history. Now that Billick's gone, it's likely Kyle Boller may not make the team. With that in mind, Baltimore's front office was kind and compassionate enough to give the two lovebirds a parting gift.
General manager Ozzie Newsome looked pleased with his No. 8 overall selection.
"Seeing the relationship between Brian and Kyle develop over the past six years was such a joy," Newsome gushed. "Sure, there were the rough times, like when Kyle spotted Brian chatting with another quarterback, but that was just a platonic conversation. Every relationship has its struggles, but witnessing Kyle and Brian make up was such a pleasure. The fact that the two are still together makes me believe that there is true love in this cruel world. I'm... so... happy to award the two lovebirds with a cozy Vermont villa..."
Newsome couldn't continue his press conference because he began crying uncontrollably.
Cincinnati Bengals: Tony Kornheiser, OLB, Binghamton
When Tony Kornheiser joked about playing linebacker for the Bengals during one of the Monday Night Football telecasts, everyone assumed he was kidding. Even Kornheiser himself laughed it off. The message apparently didn't register in Cincinnati's front office.
"We have no linebackers," Marvin Lewis declared. "We have no way of getting any new linebackers, so we had to think outside the box. Sure, Tony runs a 40 in 12.38 seconds and his vertical is only two inches, but we think he'll fit in great in our defense."
Despite being questioned about why he didn't just draft Keith Rivers, Lewis kept raving about Kornheiser. "You know, we did pretty well with a guy who sells bowties for a living. Now we have a Washington Post journalist, slash ESPN analyst. There's no doubt in my mind that we're going to the Super Bowl."
New Orleans Saints: Pack of Peanut M&Ms
Everyone was confused. Tons of reporters gathered around Sean Payton, wondering why he eschewed drafting a top-tier cornerback in favor of a pack of candy. Payton explained:
"You guys think I'm dumb, don't you? Well, you know who likes M&Ms, don't you? Kids. Some kids are poor. Who helps poor kids? Charities. There's a certain player in the NFL known for his charity. That's right, it's Warrick Dunn. Dunn played with a player named Michael Jenkins the past few years. Michael Jenkins shares the last name as Mike Jenkins, the corner we really like. So, by drafting this pack of M&Ms, we're all but assured Mike Jenkins!"
A reporter followed up, "So, why didn't you just draft Mike Jenkins?"
The journalist didn't get an answer, however, as Payton threw a ping pong ball against the wall, which ricocheted onto a lamp, causing the bulb to flicker out. In the darkness, the journalist tripped over someone else's foot, landed on the back of his head and went into a coma.
The bottom line? Don't mess with Sean Payton. He'll get his revenge, even if he does it in 10 steps.
Buffalo Bills: Red Lobster and Oregon Cheerleaders
The Bills seemingly didn't care when Willis McGahee said, "There's an Applebee's, a TGI Friday's and they just got a Dave & Busters. They got that, and I'm like, 'What the?' And, you know, the women..."
Dick Jauron addressed the team's decision to add a new restaurant and a batch of hot, young women to the city.
"Most teams upgrade their roster. Well, most teams don't win a Super Bowl. We believe that if we had more quality eateries and hotter women, we'll be able to attract more quality free agents, unlike mediocre guys like William James-Peterson, Courtney Anderson and Spencer Johnson. With Red Lobster alone, we're confident we can land Reno Mahe, Darrell Jackson and B.J. Sams."
Unfortunately, there was a problem. Al Davis already drafted one of the Oregon cheerleaders as a sacrificial maiden. Jauron, however, is confident he'll be able to pry her away by giving Davis a gallon of goat blood.
Denver Broncos: O.J. Simpson, RB, USC
Mike Shanahan is known for taking chances on troubled players like Maurice Clarett, but now some are thinking that he's gone too far. Shanahan doesn't agree with that assessment.
"We needed a running back, I got a running back... I don't see a problem with that," yelled the red-faced Shanahan. "I know O.J. has his off-the-field issues, but I look at them as a positive. The fact that he got away with the crimes he committed means he's an elusive back. And he's smart too - I heard he wrote a book or something."
Carolina Panthers: Steve Smith Clone, WR, Utah
For anyone watching or attending the draft, what the Panthers did at No. 13 was like experiencing deja vu.
"Look, it's no secret that our offensive line... I mean our receiving corps is garbage," John Fox stuttered. "Other than Steve Smith, we have players who are either injured or have no clue what's going on. We didn't address the receivers because we planned on drafting a Marc... I mean Steve Smith stunt double the whole time."
As reporters began whispering to one another, Fox took a moment to read a few words off his sweaty palm.
"Uhhh... they won't know which one's teal... I mean real. Yeah, real. They look the same, and they're going to switch jerseys after every play. Or maybe they won't switch. The other team just won't know. You can only hit... I mean cover one guy, right? Well, we have two quarterbacks now! Ha! Who needs an offensive line now, suckers!? I mean ummm... huh?"
Goodell called Carolina's blatant plagiarism of St. Louis' picks a black eye for the organization.
"Man, they are really dumb," Goodell snickered. "They honestly thought they could get away with it? Ha! We'll be discussing a punishment for them next week. Don't be surprised if they don't have a first-round pick in 2009."
Chicago Bears: Alcohol, Marijuana and Male Cat Urine
The Bears have an interesting take on their quarterback situation: If their fans won't start liking the quarterback, the organization will make them. General manager Jerry Angelo talked to Suzy Kolber about the pick, but unfortunately did not attempt to kiss her.
"We're getting sick and tired of people hating on Rex," a frustrated Angelo grumbled. "Well, we've drafted enough alcohol, weed and male cat urine to make our fans see pink elephants and women with giant boobs for the next three decades."
Some of the more liberal Bears fans were excited about the pick. The conservative group was offended. Angelo wasn't discouraged by the 50-50 split.
"I look at this as an upgrade," Angelo chuckled. "Everyone hated Grossman, but only half our fans hate this selection. We've just won over 50 percent of our fan base. W00t!"
Detroit Lions: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
The Lions waited until the 11th hour to make this selection, almost pulling a stunt the Minnesota Vikings became famous for. Why did it take them so long? Rod Marinelli spoke to the media.
"Well, we were ready and everything, but the Bears took too damn long to get their draft pick through customs... then it hit us," Marinelli said. "Man, it smelled like something died in our war room. It was Matt Millen. I told him not to eat those burritos, but he didn't listen. Sweet Jesus, his fart almost killed William Clay Ford. Millen ran to the bathroom and stayed there during our 10 minutes on the clock.
"We had no idea what to do," Marinelli continued. "So, we said to ourselves, 'What would Matt do if he were still in the room?' Then, it came to us - he'd take another receiver!"
So, would Millen have approved?
"Golly, no, he was mad at us. Apparently some other team told him they were eyeing up a punter, so that's the direction he was going. Thank the lord for those burritos!"
Arizona Cardinals: Durant Brooks, P, Georgia Tech
There's some speculation as to how the Cardinals are in cap trouble, but no one's positive. At least they weren't sure until Chris Mortensen leaked his latest gossip on ESPN.
"There's some news coming out of Arizona that the team's fans aren't going to like," Mortensen gossiped. "Apparently, $10 million of the Cardinals' cap space was used on owner Bill Bidwill's own personal theme park. Another $8 million was spent on a gold statue of Bidwill outside his mansion. And Bidwill pays some pool boy named Arturo $5 million a year. I don't know what that's all about."
Bidwill was unavailable for comment, as he was spending a few hundred thousand of the franchise's cap space on a cruise.
Minnesota Vikings: Colt Brennan, QB, Hawaii
Sorry, Tarvaris Jackson fans - your favorite player's days are numbered.
"Look, we love Tarvaris, we think he's an incredible quarterback," Brad Childress explained. "But we love Colt Brennan so much more. First of all, he can make all the throws. His arm strength is unparalleled. Second, we like how he's so modest. That rainbow visor he wears is just there so opposing defenses don't see how modest he is. Third, we love his attitude. He would never do anything like assault an innocent girl or burglarize a house. To us, Colt Brennan is the ultimate quarterback."
I guess I'm making it pretty obvious that it's April Fools, huh?
Houston Texans: Mario Williams, DE, N.C. State
Bob McNair didn't have much to say about this pick. He walked up to the podium, flipped the media the bird, and stormed off stage and back to his room.
Gary Kubiak didn't apologize for his the owner's actions, but explained them instead.
"He's just pissed off right now; you know, it's that time of the month for him," Kubiak said. "But he's just really moody because it's draft time and he remembered how much you guys criticized the Mario Williams pick in '06. I mean, sure, Williams sucked royally after his rookie year and we deserved to be bashed. But now that he's a Pro Bowler, Mr. McNair wanted to send this message to all you doubters:"
"To like everyone who was wrong, you're like the stupidest person ever, like yeah! And like OMG if you're in the media and you're like wearing a sweater vest - ewww!!!"
Philadelphia Eagles: E.Honda, OT, Japan
When the Eagles selected E. Honda, an offensive tackle from Japan, members of the media automatically assumed Andy Reid wanted an eating buddy on the squad. That, however, was far from the truth.
"E. Honda is an exceptional lineman," barked Reid in between his third and fourth dinners. "He has this move where he moves his arm up and down repeatedly, which knocks out pass rushers 99 percent of the time. It's almost unfair; the opposition can't really do anything. And E. Honda makes it seem so easy; all he has to do is press B about five times in a row."
Was E. Honda the only prospect the Eagles were pursuing?
"Of course not," Reid responded. "We were actually thinking about drafting Chun-Li, but her 40 time really sucked."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Andre' Woodson, QB, Kentucky
Somewhere in the state of Kentucky, a 21-year-old man leaped for joy, cracked open a bottle of champagne and ran down the street, raising his arm up in celebration.
Meanwhile, in New York, Jon Gruden had to defend the draft pick from fans and reporters who questioned that Andre' Woodson was any better than Matt Ryan and Brian Brohm.
"Well, I can't really say that Andre' is any better than Matt or Brian, nor can I say Andre' is any worse," Gruden scowled. "But look, I read Matt McGuire's article on why Todd McShay should be fired. And I don't want to lose my damn job, so I want to make this guy happy. Hey, Matt, if you're reading this, can you write a story on how I deserve a raise? Thanks buddy - I mean, huh? I didn't say anything. That was ummm... the other guy... I mean, I didn't hear anything... Yeah..."
Washington Redskins: Oprah Winfrey, OT/P, Tenn St.
You'd be hard pressed to find an Internet draft expert who had Oprah Winfrey as a first-round prospect. Daniel Snyder, meanwhile, hinted that he would have drafted Oprah if he had the first-overall pick.
"We feel as though Oprah can do a lot of things for us," Snyder paid some 40-year-old has-been to explain. "A lot of these loser activists want us to either change the name of our team or switch out mascot to a potato. Oprah's ability to brainwash mindless women is uncanny. If she can tell women to buy crappy books, watch horrible movies and jump off rooftops, we think she can force these activists to go complain about something else."
"Oprah can also play a variety of positions," Snyder interjected. "If we need an offensive tackle, we can simply ask her to balloon up to 350 pounds. If we need a speedy receiver or punter, we can just have her lose weight. This selection gives us tons of flexibility."
Dallas Cowboys: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
There was no analysis. There was no press conference. There were no interviews. Jerry Jones took .001 seconds to make this pick. He then yelled jubilantly, ripped off his shirt and ran out of the arena, onlookers watching his flab jiggle up and down as the billionaire owner ran out into the streets of New York.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Expulsion of an Archaic NFL Rule
Everyone had this pick correct. A few days ago, Ben Roethlisberger revealed at a press conference that he no longer plans on wearing a helmet during the games.
"I feel like a free man," sighed Roethlisberger. "I was flipping through the NFL rule book, and I saw a very old rule that stated, 'Players whose last name begins with 'Ro' and ends in 'berger' don't have to wear helmets.'
"I was so relieved to see that," Roethlisberger continued. "I hate wearing helmets. I know I'll probably get 20 concussions a week, but like I said before, I'll feel like a free man, and nothing can beat that - not even being alive."
The archaic NFL rule was installed in 1927 when a quarterback named Bill Rosenberger challenged the NFL. Rosenberger won on a technicality, which happened to be his final victory. He was 0-17 as a starter with 42 interceptions, four touchdowns and 28 fumbles. Rosenberger, a nephew of Al Davis', played for the Detroit Lions (no surprise there).
Tennessee Titans: Durant Brooks, P, Georgia Tech
The Titans apparently don't plan on giving Vince Young any weapons to work with. They drafted a punter instead of a receiver. Unfortunately, Durant Brooks was already chosen, so Roger Goodell ruled that Tennessee will forfeit the rest of its draft picks.
"This is an outrage," sneered an angry Bud Adams, as he was fixing his hideous toupee. "I took Durant Brooks because I hate Vince Y- I mean because I really wanted that David Brooks fellow. He's a heck of a kicker. And we don't need a receiver because we want Vince Young to fail! Ha! Oh, I mean we want Vince Young to succeed... No, I didn't say 'fail', you must be crazy. All of you reporters need to see psychologists!"
Meanwhile, Albert Haynesworth was far from happy.
"I'm gonna stomp on somebody's head up in here!" yelled a furious Haynesworth, as every single member of Tennessee's front office scattered for the exits.
Seattle Seahawks: Hugo "Hurley" Reyes, RB, Hawaii
Prior to the 2008 NFL Draft, the Seahawks were in a public relations crisis. They acquired a plethora of running backs in free agency so they could cut the suddenly lethargic Shaun Alexander. However, what they weren't counting on was that some Seahawks fans threatened to stop buying tickets if their team dealt the 2005 MVP. Seattle apparently found an answer to its problem.
"Apparently, our fans like sloth-like players who care more about the location of hot dog vendors than if they gain an extra yard," groaned Mike Holmgren. "Well, we found someone who can match Shaun's fatness and lethargy. Hurley's been on the Lost island for four years now, and he hasn't lost a single pound. That's incredible. ... We're hoping that with Hurley on the roster, people forget about Shaun. And what makes this so sweet is that Hurley won't count much against the cap. We offered to pay him in pancakes, and he gladly accepted."
Jacksonville Jaguars: Durant Brooks, P, Georgia Tech
No one in Jacksonville's front office was available for comment, but growing speculation hints that the Jaguars simply didn't have enough revenue to pay any rookies after spending too much money on crappy acquisitions like Jerry Porter, Troy Williamson and Drayton Florence.
San Diego Chargers: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
In what seemed like a facsimilie of Houston's press conference, Chargers general manager A.J. Smith greeted reporters with obscenities, harping about how he was right all along regarding the Marty Schottenheimer firing. In fact, Smith was so cocky, he said that his team could once again go deep into the playoffs with Emmitt Smith making its draft choices. He then let Emmitt talk to the media.
"San Diego have lossed Michael Turner to the Atlanta Falcons in the free agency," Emmitt announced. "To win in the National Football Conference, you need two or three strong running back who can run the ball and also carry the doggone football. Rashad Anderson have really impressed me at the University of Illinois, which is in the city of Chicago. He have the ability to rush for 2,000 yards in a season when LaDainian Tomlinson decide to hang up the socks, so to speak."
It's safe to say that everyone in the room had their IQ drop at least 15 points.
Dallas Cowboys: Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas
This is why you never leave your war room abandoned. With Jerry Jones and company parading down the streets of New York in celebration that they were able to land Darren McFadden without trading down, Emmitt Smith, excited about making a selection a few minutes ago, commandeered Dallas' empty draft room. After he made his choice, Emmitt addressed his fellow media members.
"I have great respectations for Felix James. Jerry Jones always talk all the times about how he couldn't decide between both running back in Arkansas State College. So, I look at the draft board and saw that this guy Felix J... J... Gordon was available. I have to grab him for Jerry Jones sakes."
(And yes, this is a prelude to the Emmitt Smith 2008 NFL Mock Draft)
San Francisco 49ers: Shady Black-Market Organ Vendor
John York is widely known for his cheap tactics, but this could be going too far. There have been rumors speculating that the only reason York hired Mike Martz is so Martz can install an offense that would have Alex Smith sacked so much that Smith's organs would spill out onto the field. Rather than donating them to charity, York allegedly plans to sell them on the black market. In the wake of this draft pick, it seems as though that speculation is coming to fruition.
Apparently York and Martz plan on splitting the profits 50-50, but there have been rumors that one of them will backstab the other in order to rake in all the dough. An Internet poll showed that 71 percent of the people favored Martz's experience in the organ black market over York's wealth and power.
"York's rich, but he doesn't know how to spend his money because he's never done it before," an anonymous voter said. "Martz, meanwhile, has that killer instinct. He made $600,000 off Jon Kitna alone last year. He really knows what he's doing."
Green Bay Packers: Packers Handbook for National Media
Now that Brett Favre has retired, the national media is going to need to talk about something other than Favre pertaining to Green Bay. A Packers handbook should help out the struggling color commentators? If you don't know what I'm talking about, here are some examples of Green Bay analysis this past year:
John Madden: "Now you see, there are baseball cap guys and visor guys. Brett Favre seems like cap guy, doesn't he? I think Brett Favre is the kind of guy who would wear a baseball cap. As for a visor, I don't think Brett Favre would ever wear a visor. Brett Favre, Brett Favre is no visor guy. But Brett Favre, now Brett Favre seems like a guy who would like a good truducken."
Emmitt Smith: "Brett Favre have been a good quarterback for a very long times."
New York Giants: Alarm Clock
Forget losing Gibril Wilson in free agency or wondering if Michael Strahan is going to retire; the Giants' biggest problem this offseason has been Eli Manning's emerging tendency of showing up late to practice.
"Ever since he won the Super Bowl, his parents have extended his bed time," Tom Coughlin revealed. "Prior to last season, Eli's bed time was 9 p.m. - 9:30 on weekends. Now, Archie and Olivia are letting him stay up till 10. So, with this huge problem, we thought an alarm clock would get Eli up and on time for practice."
Eli Manning was briefly available for comment during one of the commercials while he was watching Lost for the first time.
"I can't believe I am able to stay up this late this is exciting I love staying up late maybe I can go for 10:15 soon these new shows are awesome like this Lost one it's much better than Sesame Street my mommy always said it was a scary show but now I can watch and my brother is finally starting to respect me and my dad said I have finally become a man and my mom doesn't pick out my clothes anymore and yeah the show's starting I gotta go bye!"
2008 NFL Mock Draft - My 2008 NFL Mock Draft has been updated on March 27 and now includes a fifth round. 3/27
The Emmitt Smith Anthology - All of Emmitt Smith's grammatically incorrect quotes compiled on one page (special thanks to reader TBod$ who reminded me of one quote I missed - No. 10 in Emmitt's doo-doo list.) 2/14