Carolina Panthers: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
"I'm taking Jimmy Clausen, and no one's gonna stop me!" declared seemingly senile Panthers owner Jerry Richardson, as he stormed out of the team's war room and handed the card to a confused Roger Goodell.
Despite the pleas of his general manager and head coach, Richardson wouldn't have it. Richardson was set on drafting a guy already on his team.
"I was in Barnes and Noble, and I saw a USA Today draft magazine," Richardson said earlier. "This guy Walter Football had a great article on why this Jimmy Clausen quarterback should be the first pick in the draft. Walter Football knows what he's talking about, and you idiots don't! I don't care if he's on my team or not! I want Clausen!"
Ron Rivera shook his head and muttered, "Why the hell did I take this job?"
Hours later, a tape recorder captured a private conversation between Richardson and an unknown man.
"Those fools - I just saved a grand total of $89 by selecting Jimmy Clausen over one of those other bums," Richardson laughed. "I can't wait to store this extra $89 in my money market account that collects 1.3-percent interest. Muhahahaha!"
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Denver Broncos: Von Miller, DE/OLB, Texas A&M
The Broncos are switching to the 4-3, so why are they drafting the top 3-4 player available? John Elway had the answer for us.
"When Pat Bowlen hired me, he told me to do the opposite of what 'that douche' Josh McDaniels did," Elway said. "I studied McDaniels' draft tactics. He picked 4-3 players for his 3-4 defense, so we're going to draft 3-4 players for our 4-3."
Elway said he was wary about making such a controversial selection, but was relieved to hear that an NFL Draft analyst approved of the move.
"I saw Todd McShay at the tanning salon the other day," Elway said. "He and his tanning buddy Alphonse told me that Von Miller was a good pick for us, so I now have no problem pulling the trigger."
Elway plans to continue his anti-McDaniels strategy by acquiring a talented pass-catching tight end in Round 2. As Elway said this, John Fox shrieked, "NOOOO!!!!"
Buffalo Bills: DeMarco Murray, RB, Oklahoma
This has to be a joke, right? How can a team continuously draft running backs in the first round every year?
"We need as many pass-catchin' runnin' backs as we can get," said head coach Chan Gailey.
DeMarco Murray logged more than 70 receptions last year, so he fits the profile.
"There are some good thangs and bad thangs about DeMarcus Murray," Gailey said. "The good thang is that he's a pass-catchin' runnin back. The bad thang is that he is only one pass-catchin runnin' back and we need lotta pass-catchin' runnin backs."
Cincinnati Bengals: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a Cleveland Bengal hat?"
Those were the words uttered by Ryan Mallett as Cincinnati's pick was announced.
So, does this mean that owner Mike Brown is finally conceding that Carson Palmer won't ever play for his team again? Apparently not.
"We've heard the rumors that Mr. Mallett is a drug addict, and we believe them," Brown said. "Our plan is to have Mallett use his narcotics on Palmer. Once Palmer is drugged up, we can drag him back into Paul Brown Stadium, where he belongs."
Or the Bengals could just find a new quarterback. Just saying.
Arizona Cardinals: Brenda Warner, QB, Nortern Iowa
The Cardinals have tried everything to get Kurt Warner back. They've offered him tons of money. They sent hookers to his house. They even enlisted Jake Delhomme's son's kidnappers to steal his children. Nothing has worked - which prompted Arizona to make this controversial selection.
"We've realized that the reason Kurt's not coming back is because his wife doesn't want him to," said disgruntled head coach Ken Whisenhunt. "Brenda wears the pants in the family, so hopefully by drafting her, we'll convince her to allow Kurt to return. And if not, Brenda's an upgrade over that drunk Derek Anderson anyway."
Unfortunately, Whisenhunt's plan backfired. When Brenda Warner seemingly donned her Cardinals cap and walked onstage to shake Roger Goodell's hands, it was clear that the person doing this wasn't actually Brenda Warner; instead it was the kid from The Walking Dead.
"Damn it, we forgot that Brenda Warner doesn't look like an 8-year-old boy anymore," Whisenhunt lamented. "Curse that woman for growing her hair out."
Cleveland Browns: Jake Delhomme, QB, Louisiana-Lafayette
Sorry, Browns fans. Jake Delhomme just won't go away.
"Spending $7 million on Jake Delhomme isn't enough," Holmgren growled while devouring a sandwich. "Bringing him back for another year isn't enough either. Jake's so great that we need to spend our No. 6 pick on him."
As Delhomme walked to the podium to shake Roger Goodell's hand, he stumbled. His Cleveland Browns baseball cap fell off his head and into the arms of Troy Polamalu.
"Dang it," Delhomme groaned. "My son's kidnappers said I wasn't supposed to do that until the season opener."
San Francisco 49ers: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Huh? Didn't Andrew Luck return to school? Head coach Jim Harbaugh explained.
"Andrew actually did declare - just no one knew about it," Harbaugh said. "We did it in secret, so no one would take him before the seventh pick."
Harbaugh has never been a head coach in the NFL, but we can already give him the Best Foresight in the League award. Back in 2008, Harbaugh funneled an unknown sum of money into Mike Singletary's bank account. That weekend, Singletary went off on a tirade in the locker room and pulled his pants down in front of the team.
When Singletary mooned his team, it set off a four-dimensional fax that was sent to Roger Goodell's office. The fax was marked, "Confidential - do not read until April 28, 2011."
Goodell eagerly perused the fax the morning of April 28.
"I was shocked," Goodell said. "It contained Andrew Luck's 2011 NFL Draft declaration paperwork. It's all there. And since it was sent earlier, he's legitimately eligible for this draft."
Harbaugh clapped his hands, smirked and laughed, "Muhahahahahahaha!"
Tennessee Titans: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a Tennessee Voluntyaw hat?"
Wasn't Ryan Mallett already drafted? Not according to senile owner Bud Adams.
"I want that Mallett guy from... uhh... that school," Adams told everyone in the war room.
"But Mr. Adams," replied head coach Mike Munchak. "Someone already took Mallett already."
Adams shook his head and suddenly looked confused.
"Heh? Who's Mallett?" Adams asked.
Munchak cupped his hands over his face in frustration.
Suddenly, Adams stood up and declared, "I want that Mallett guy from... uhh... that school."
Question Adams' lucidity all you want; but he's still the man in charge.
Dallas Cowboys: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
"And you thought I was joking when I said I like Cam," Jerry Jones said.
Indeed. There were rumors linking Jones and Newton, but no one took them seriously.
"I drafted Cam because he's going to be a great player," Jones said. Newton, meanwhile, echoed those sentiments.
"Jerry drafted Cam because Cam's goin' to be a great player," Newton said.
Jones told the media that he plans on keeping Tony Romo, so what is he going to do with two quarterbacks?
"I want Cam in my organization to tell me how great I am while he says how great he is," Jones said. "I want him to say this while people watch it on my incredible scoreboard, so everyone knows how great I am and he is."
Newton wasted no time in pleasing his owner.
"Jerry great and Cam greatness," Newton said. "Cam wants to be consistency. Consistency great like Jerry Jones, who consistency great."
Washington Redskins: Danny Watkins, G, Baylor
The yelling and screaming could be heard from Washington's war room.
"What the hell are you waiting for? Give him $40 million over three years now!!!"
As you may guess, those words belonged to Daniel Snyder, who was more calm once his goons drew up a contract for the team's first-round pick, Danny Watkins.
"I thought we almost lost him," said Snyder as a breathed a sigh of relief. "Danny is an awesome free agent. He's 27 in November - a bit younger than what I'm used to, but he's still a great addition to our team."
When we explained that Watkins is a draft-eligible player, Snyder was confused.
"What are you, on crack?" Snyder snarled. "Believe me, I'm the expert at signing players toward the end of their prime. Danny is near the end of his prime. Therefore, he's a free agent. Get your facts straight."
No wonder the Redskins always suck.
Houston Texans: Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame
If you listened carefully, you could hear a collective "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" coming from the Texan fan section at Radio City Music Hall.
Houston backers have plenty to be upset about. Another tight end? Doesn't the team already have Owen Daniels, Joel Dreessen, James Casey, Garrett Graham, Anthony Hill and Dorin Dickerson? Apparently, that's not enough.
"We're building toward something special," beamed Gary Kubiak. "Our goal is to have an offense featuring 15 tight ends playing at the same time. Now, I'm aware that you can only play 11 players at a time, but I'm going to make sure the new CBA says you can play 15 tight ends simultaneously."
Good luck with that one, Gary.
Minnesota Vikings: Aaron Rodgers, QB, California
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf wouldn't take any questions, citing that he had an Alex Trebek mustache club meeting to attend. He offered a brief statement instead.
"Minnesota fans should know the drill by now," Wilf said. "We suck at finding quarterbacks on our own, so we'll continue to raid old quarterbacks from other teams."
But Rodgers isn't even 30 yet. Wilf said that he completely understands that.
"We're not getting Rodgers yet," Wilf continued. "By drafting him now, we reserve the rights to him in 12 to 15 years when he's old and the Packers don't want him anymore. 'A good way to piss the Packers off? What is signing their old quarterbacks?' See, not only do I have a mustache like Alex Trebek, I can ask Jeopardy questions like him. They should make me the host."
Detroit Lions: A.J. Green, WR, Georgia
When Roger Goodell read the name off the card, ESPN analyst Matt Millen stood up and applauded.
"Best pick ever," Millen said with a tear dripping out of his eye. "I wish I could have made it myself... I... I... Green is 100-percent USDA Man... kielbasa... young stud... stallion..."
Millen wiped his eyes with one hand and signaled for the camera to pan away from him with the other.
Meanwhile, thousands of people in Detroit hanged themselves as this pick occurred. One man's suicide note read, "Millen's back. The end is nigh."
Jim Schwartz just shrugged his shoulders.
"We were just taking the best player available like we always do," he said.
St. Louis Rams: Charlie Gantt, TE, Michigan State
When the Rams hired Josh McDaniels, one of the incentives they gave him was the ability to choose the team's first-round pick in 2011. Big mistake.
"You can never have enough blocking tight ends, especially those you can take in the first round," McDaniels said.
Despite the fact that Luke Stocker, D.J. Williams and Lance Kendricks were available, McDaniels opted for Gantt, who specializes in blocking.
"It's always important to have extra blocking tight ends on your roster," McDaniels revealed. "Even if you don't use them ever - you must spend a high pick on as many as possible."
It wasn't just this selection - McDaniels traded away St. Louis' first-round picks in 2012, 2014, 2016, 2018 and 2020 for the right to draft Gantt even though he didn't move up any spots to acquire him.
"I'm Josh f***ing McDaniels, and I can do whatever I want," snapped McDaniels at a reporter who questioned this asinine trade.
Miami Dolphins: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Think owner Stephen Ross is excited to have Cam Newton on his roster?
As Newton shook Roger Goodell's hand, Ross skipped onto the stage and gleefully chanted, "OMG WE GOT CAM, WE GOT CAM, OMG WE GOT CAM, WE GOT CAM, YAY YAY YAY YAY, WE GOT CAM, WE GOT CAM, I AM SO COOL, I AM SO COOL."
Ross was slightly more coherent in an interview 15 minutes later.
"Cam Newton is so cool and I am so cool and we are so cool," Ross said. "I can't wait until Cam and me and Ricky Martin and Jennifer Lopez and the Williams sisters and Gloria Estefan and Emilio Estevez and The Situation and me all go out to dinner together so people can see how cool I am."
No word yet on what Ross thinks about Newton's playing ability.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a Jackson Jagawah hat?"
This certainly came as a surprise to all of us. Don't the Jaguars usually draft goody-goody players? That's what we thought, but general manager Gene Smith explained his new draft strategy.
"We keep drafting nice guys, but it's getting us nowhere," Smith lamented. "So instead, we're going to try drafting the biggest scumbags out there. The dumber they are, the better. Do they have a sense of entitlement? Do they do drugs? I sure hope so!"
Mallett, exhausted from walking back and forth between the green room and the podium, collapsed on the way to shaking Roger Goodell's hand the third time.
"Who gonna give Ryan Mallett a cot to take a nap on?" Mallett asked no one in particular.
Sixteen gold-digging skanks immediately ran out the door to find a cot for their potential meal-ticket.