New England Patriots: Marcell Dareus, DE/DT, Alabama
"How was Marcell Dareus even on the board?" Bill Belichick wondered aloud.
The Patriots really needed a defensive end entering this draft. After another trade with the Raiders, the hole at that position became even more paramount.
Per Adam Schefter, New England traded Ty Warren to Oakland for every Raiders first-round pick from 2012 to 2030.
"I've been collecting... great playas... but it's not enough..." Al Davis said. "I need all three linemen... from the Patriots... to achieve... ultimate... domination... I can sacrifice... lots of virgins... with Seymoh... Warren... and Wilfohk..."
So, how does Undead Al plan on acquiring the third piece of the puzzle?
"I have... no more... first-round picks... but I can use... dark magic... and my evil wahlocks... and gahgoyles... to take Wilfohk... by force..."
San Diego Chargers: Alex Henery, K/P, Nebraska
I guess general manager A.J. Smith bought into the notion that the special teams were the only thing wrong with his team last year.
"If I see another blocked punt, I'm going to screw over Vincent Jackson again," Smith threatened.
"Mike Scifres can kick with the best of them, but he takes too long in getting the punts out," Smith said. "We're going to spend as many picks as possible on punters to find the guy who can get the punt out the quickest."
Sounds like a fool-proof plan, but why not just improve the blocking?
"Oh, you're a wise a**, huh?" Smith bellowed when we asked him that question. "You think you're smarter than me? No one's smarter than the great A.J. Smith!"
New York Giants: Ron Dayne, RB, Wisconsin
Apparently, the Giants are aware that Tiki Barber is making a comeback.
"When I heard that douche bag was unretiring, I seriously thought about slitting my wrists," Tom Coughlin said. "Honestly, I'll give up both of my kidneys before coaching that jerk again."
Coughlin used this pick to make sure Barber wouldn't return to his team.
"Tiki doesn't want to split carries with Ron - that much I know," Coughlin said. "So, even though Ron is 350 pounds right now, I thought adding him would be best for our team and my sanity."
We can't help but agree.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Ron Dayne, RB, Wisconsin
"No, we want Ron Dayne!" exclaimed Raheem Morris as soon as the Giants made their selection.
Morris was on the verge of tears, so Roger Goodell granted the Buccaneers the rights to Dayne as well.
"That was a close one," said a relieved Morris afterward. "Ronde said there was a chance Tiki would sign with us, so we had to make sure we did everything in our power to make sure that wouldn't happen."
Will Tiki ever find a new home?
"I know I will," Tiki said coolly. "I am one of the greatest people alive, and everyone else is a loser. I'm better than every free agent out there. No team is worthy enough to sign me, but I'll make an exception for someone."
At this point, everyone should think about drafting Dayne.
Kansas City Chiefs: John Clay, RB, Wisconsin
If you weren't sure that Todd Haley hates Jamaal Charles, you should have your answer.
"I want John Clay. We need John Clay," Haley said.
"But what about Jamaal Charles?" we asked.
"Jamaal who?" Haley said with a smirk. "Oh, that little piece of s*** on my team? Ha! He's too talented for my team, especially in the playoffs. I want to prove to everyone that I can win with slow and crappy running backs."
Indianapolis Colts: Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri
When Roger Goodell read Indianapolis' pick off the card, a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" was heard from the Colts war room. That belonged to general manager Bill Polian.
"I should have drafted Anthony Castonzo!" Polian cried. "I'm so stupid! I wanted Castonzo!"
Didn't the same thing happen last year?
"I keep wanting to draft a left tackle to protect Peyton [Manning], but these damn pass-rushers are so athletic and quick and sexy, ugh," Polian said. "Well, on the bright side, there might not be any football in 2011, so I'll have a chance to take a left tackle in the 2012 NFL Draft."
Philadelphia Eagles: Akeem Ayers, DE/OLB, UCLA
Andy Reid took the podium with a smirk on his face.
"Hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem hem... umm... hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem hem... umm... hem hem... uhh... umm... uhh..." Reid said.
Luckily, we had a translator on site. Here's what Reid said in plain English:
"We've never spent a first-round pick on a linebacker. We've never re-signed any of our prominent linebackers. We don't put much emphasis on the position. But I saw this mock draft from a very tanned individual on ESPN. He had us taking Akeem Ayers. Clearly, this man believes Ayers is so great that we'll completely buck our personnel strategy."
New Orleans Saints: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
Ryan Mallett was asleep on his cot, so he wasn't available for comment. Fortunately, Sean Payton was.
"Like Andy Reid before me, this selection was made based on something I read online," Payton revealed. "A brilliant man named Charles Davis mocked Ryan Mallett to us. I thought about it, and it made so much sense. I mean, Drew Brees still has five or six years left in the tank. Why not draft an alleged drug-addict quarterback to take over for Brees in 2017? There's a good chance Mallett will be clean by then."
Seattle Seahawks: T.J. McDonald, S, USC
T.J. McDonald? Isn't he ineligible for the 2011 NFL Draft? Apparently, Pete Carroll doesn't care.
"First of all, I'm cool because I make awesome tweets, so I can do whatever I want," Carroll said. "Second, do you know how much I hate Taylor Mays' guts? From now on, I'm going to spend every single draft pick on a USC safety just to show Taylor how much I detest him."
Jeez. Why does Carroll hate Mays so much?
"He once told me that my tweets are corny," Carroll said. "Can you believe that? My tweets are cool. How dare he insult me like that!?"
Baltimore Ravens: Tyron Smith, OT, USC
Cam Cameron is tired of people telling him what he shouldn't do.
"I'm sick of it," Cameron snarled. "If I want to pass the ball instead of kneeling down to run out the clock, I'm going to pass the f***ing ball."
Ozzie Newsome just shook his head in disgust.
"Man, I can't believe we fired Jim Zorn and kept this douche bag," Newsome sighed. "Oh well, I guess we'll have to make sure Joe Flacco's blind side is protected."
Cameron clapped gleefully.
"Finally, my offense will evolve and run at 100-percent efficiency!" Cameron exclaimed. "With a better left tackle, Flacco won't be fumbling the ball like a sissy anymore! Ha!"
Atlanta Falcons: Aaron Rodgers, QB, California
Owner Arthur Blank wasn't too pleased.
"That rat bastard Zygi Wilf think he looks like Alex Trebek?" Blank asked rhetorically. "If anyone looks like Alex Trebek, it's me!"
So, what does that have to do with the Aaron Rodgers selection?
"Not only am I copy Minnesota's draft pick, I'm going to sneak into Zygi's house and shave his mustache while he's sleeping, muhahahaha!" Blank laughed.
We'll remember not to get on Blank's bad side any time soon.
New England Patriots: Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
"Now that we've taken care of our defensive line, we needed to find a new quarterback," Bill Belichick explained. "With Blaine [Gabbert], we can move on from Tom [Brady]."
Huh? Move on from Brady?
"We've noticed a disturbing trend from Tom recently," Belichick said. "First, he grew his hair out and looked like a lesbian. Now, he has a ponytail. It's clear that his wife has cut off his balls and now there's a vagina where his nuts used to be. We need a man with testicles, damn it."
Chicago Bears: Jake Locker, QB, Washington
The Patriots wanted a more manly quarterback. Apparently, the Bears had the same desire.
"Jay Cutler is a sissy," revealed general manager Jerry Angelo. "Did you see him in the playoff game? One injury, and he's done. What a chicken wuss!"
Wait a second... didn't the Bears vehemently defend Cutler after their loss to Green Bay?
"Ha, I can't believe you all fell for it!" Angelo laughed. "I was concerned that we did too good of a job defending that loser. Haven't you guys read Shakespeare? 'The lady doth protest too much?' Apparently, the journalists don't doth read Shakespeare too much."
New York Jets: Forfeited
As Rex Ryan put it, "We don't need a stinkin' draft pick."
Ryan, the master of making guarantees, had a few more for us on the first day of the 2011 NFL Draft.
"We don't need a God damn player, we can win the Super Bowl right now," Ryan predicted. "In fact, we can win the Super Bowl with only eight players on the field on both offense and defense."
A bit crazy? Well, you haven't heard anything yet.
"I'd also like to guarantee that I can eat 10 snacks in 30 seconds while licking Dorito dust off my toes," Ryan declared.
And we just vomited in our mouths.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Tiki Barber, RB, Virginia
Tiki Barber was right. Someone actually took a chance on him.
"Like every other team in the NFL, the Steelers are trash," Barber said. "But since I'm so great, I'll make an exception and let them sign me."
Why in the world would Pittsburgh want Barber on its roster?
"When we had jerks on our team like Santonio Holmes, we won Super Bowls," explained general manager Kevin Colbert. "The year after we got rid of our jerks, we lost a Super Bowl. We need some douche bags on our team, and Tiki clearly fits the bill."
Green Bay Packers: Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State
Think the decision to replace Brett Favre with Aaron Rodgers was controversial? Just wait until you see this.
"We're ready to move on from Aaron Rodgers," said general manager Ted Thompson. "He's too old. What's he now like 27, 28? He's like ancient."
Packer fans may not be happy about this, but Viking supporters have to be thrilled. Once this pick was made, owner Zygi Wilf received a call during the Alex Trebek mustache meeting.
Upon hearing the news, Wilf jumped in the air and shouted, "YES! WE GOT RODGERS!" Unfortunately, Wilf was kicked out of the meeting because he didn't say that in the form of a question.