This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. I put together 32 celebrities and had each of them make a pick. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2010 NFL Mock Draft or 2011 NFL Mock Draft.
St. Louis Rams: Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
(By Todd McShay, ESPN's Sun Tan Man)
Look, quarterbacks are just too risky. I wonder if Sam Bradford's body will hold up in the NFL. He is 6-5, BARELY 6-5. And he's only 236 pounds. That's it. Ndamukong Suh is bigger than that so he's better.
As long as this pick is not Jimmy Clausen, I'm all for it. I heard from a source that Jimmy Clausen likes to have sex with animals. It's true. Jimmy Clausen once had sex with a monkey. And a dog. And a cat. All at the same time. And he's not tall enough. If he were 6-8, 6-9, maybe he'd be a fifth-round prospect and if he wasn't an animal sex offender, maybe he could go in the fourth round. I have him 958th on my big board and all of my friends at the tanning salon agree. When Jimmy Clausen threw the ball, his teammates had to catch it - just like the police caught him with all of those animals that one time.
Detroit Lions: Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
(By Mel Kiper, ESPN's NFL Draft Analyst)
I want to smack that annoying piece of s*** Todd McShay upside the h... whoa, the camera's rolling? Hem, hem. The Lions...
***Interrupted by Todd McShay***
Did you know.. did you know that Jimmy Clausen is an alien wizard? It's true. If you Google "Jimmy Clausen is an alien wizard" a lot of search results come up. Why would anyone in the right mind draft Jimmy Clausen? No alien wizard has ever won a Super Bowl. That's a fact.
Oh my God, I hate Jimmy Clausen so much. He's... he's such a loser. Ugh. He's so short and his hands are so small. And he sex offends and is an alien wizard. And he makes receivers get the ball. And everyone hates him. Oh my God if he gets drafted here I am going to puke. Sam Bradford has to be the pick. Not Jimmy Clausen. He won't even be drafted!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
(By Chris Mortensen, ESPN's NFL Gossip Columnist)
I hate Adam Schefter, with his brown hair and his smug smile! I'm going to rip his arm off, bust his knee caps and have a secret love affair with his girlfriend! I'm ESPN's best reporter! Me! Me! Me!
OK the cameras are rolling now? Good. I heard from some sources that Sam Bradford will not be drafted in the first five rounds. A source told me that he's concerned about Bradford being ONLY 6-5 - barely 6-5. I also heard from some sources that a McCoy will be drafted at No. 3, now whether that's Gerald McCoy or Colt McCoy is anyone's guess. Also, look out for Ndamukong Suh to fall the Saints. According to a source, the Saints love Ndamukong Suh and think he would be a good fit on their defense.
Stay tuned for more later, as I'll have a report on a scandal involving gay sex between Eric Berry and Tim Tebow. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Washington Redskins: Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College
(By Mike Mayock, NFL Network NFL Draft Analyst)
Anthony Castanzo from Boston College, not the consensus No. 1 tackle, but my No. 1 tackle even though he's not even in this draft class, you hit all the bases with him, 6-7, 295 pounds soakin' wet, 32 reps of two and a quarter, runnin' a 4.95 40 time, got vines for arms, quick motor, low pad level, quick feet like the Road Runner, graded him as a fifth-round prospect before the season, but now a first-round prospect from Boston College, my alma mater, the No. 1 tackle on my board, performed well at the Senior Bowl, stood out at the Combine, looked great at his Pro Day, has all the makings of a first-round pick and a potential franchise left tackle, unbelievably talented, great production, puts on wonderful film, can play all the techniques, zero-technique, one-technique, two-technique, three-technique, four-technique, five-technique, six-technique, seven-technique, all the way up to 24-technique, you can go on forever about his intelligence, his quickness, his agility, great pass blocking, wonderful run blocking, quick feet, vines for arms, great change of direction, wonderful knowledge of the game, saw him at Virginia Tech get hit in the helmet three times, saw him bounce right back up and finish the play.
Kansas City Chiefs: Unclear
(By Shannon Sharpe, CBS NFL Analyst)
Seattle Seahawks: Leigh Tiffin, K, Alabama
(By Jim Mora Jr., Former Seahawks head coach)
I hate the Seahawks. The Seahawks are stupid. It was all Olindo Mare's fault that I was fired. If he didn't miss those two kicks against the Bears, we would have gone 12-4 and I would still be the coach. But being the coach of the Seahawks is stupid. I am applying for a new job - to be the head coach of the local Pee Wee football team. That's my dream job. It's a good job that everyone wants. No one wants the Seahawks job. That's why they had to hire Pete Carroll. Pete Carroll sucks, and so does everyone in Seattle. Olindo Mare sucks most of all. He's an idiot. They're all idiots!
Cleveland Browns: Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida
(By Eric Mangini, Browns Head Coach)
Last year, I traded down twice and got a center. This year, I'm not even going to take a chance on trading down because someone might take Maurkice Pouncey, and then I'll be screwed.
Why am I taking nothing but centers in the first round? That's easy - I was talking to Philip Rivers online last year, and he told me that Erin Andrews is really impressed with guys who take the top center in every draft class. Philip said that if I take the top center in every draft class in the next 10 years, Erin Andrews will finally go out on a date with me. If I can get Pouncey, two down, eight more to go!
The only concern I have is that Shannon Sharpe is drafting ahead of me. Shannon thinks he and I are best friends, which is stupid. Shannon's a dork, and he's always ruining things for me with Erin Andrews. A couple of months ago, I had a birthday party, but Erin Andrews never showed up because she heard that Shannon was going to be there. Shannon might draft Pouncey, and if he does, my life will be ruined!
Just got word... from my... cyclops and gargoyle scouts... that they saw... Bruce Campbell... at the Combine... they told me... he ran a 4.85 40... even though... he weighs 314 pounds... and is 6-6... he also... had 34 reps... of 225 pounds... and has 36 1/4-inch arms... Bruce Campbell... is a... great player... and I must have him...
I must add... Bruce Campbell... to my collection... of great players... but first... I must sacrifice... a virgin... to the dark lord... luckily I have... Sun's daughter... from ABC's Lost... she will work... just fine...
People with record thing and pen and paper ask me why my team finish only couple of wins. I say, it was the fault of the guy who try to block and the guy who try to catch football. I tink tis. Do you tink so? I try hard and even stop eat for few days except for Skittles to get less than 300 pound, why everybody so worry that I weigh 290, 290 less than 300 by a couple of pound? If everybody play better next year maybe we can win couple more game and then coach give me Skittles after game like he always promise, more Skittle if we win, do you tink so?
Jacksonville Jaguars: Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland
(By Jack Del Rio, Jaguars Head Coach)
Ugh, it's my turn? I was taking a nap. Why do I have to pick now? Can't you come back later? I want to go out and catch some rays after this nap, so can we do this tomorrow? Oh wait, I'm going surfing tomorrow in between my naps. Maybe in two days. Ah hell, I'm going to bed, just give me whoever the last guy took, that Bob Campbell player, he sounds good to me.
Just read on WalterFootball.com that Derrick Morgan doesn't fit the 3-4. I'll show that WalterFootball guy. I'm Josh f***ing McDaniels, and I can make any player fit my systems. You know why? Because I'm Josh f***ing McDaniels, and I am f***ing awesome. Do you know how f***ing awesome I am? I'm THIS f***ing awesome. I walk into a bar, and girls line up to pleasure me. And they pay me. Because I'm Josh f***ing McDaniels, and I f***ing rule.
Miami Dolphins: None
(By Dan Marino, CBS NFL Analyst)
The Dolphins have a lot of good choices here. Let's start at quarterback. Mark my words, Sam Bradford will be a good player. I like him. Jimmy Clausen will be a good player too. He's really good. And then there's Colt McCoy. I like him. And Tim Tebow is really good. At running back, C.J. Spiller is guaranteed to be a good player. Jahvid Best is a good player. Jonathan Dwyer is a guy I like. At wide receiver, Dez Bryant is a nice guy. I like him. I like Demaryius Thomas too. Golden Tate is good. I like Jermaine Gresham and Rob Gronkowski as tight ends. Russell Okung is a good player. And so is Bryan Bulaga. Briuce Campbell is a good player. I like Trent Williams. Charles Brown is a nice guy...
*** Miami's 10-minute timer just expired.***
San Francisco 49ers: Anyone But Dan Marino, QB, Pittsburgh
(By Boomer Esiason, CBS NFL Analyst)
Can anyone direct me to the nearest pit of lava? Why, you ask? So I can lure Dan Marino into it. Dan Marino sucks. I hate him. He's the worst human being ever to walk this planet. He can't make a f***ing decision to save his life, and he likes everyone. Well, Dan, I f***ing hate you, you hear me? Mark my words, you will be boiled in a pit of lava as soon as I find one. It's only a matter of time, Dan. Only a matter of time.
Seattle Seahawks: None
(By Greg Gumble, CBS Stooge)
Coming up, Seattle is on the clock, but first, stay tuned after this pick for the Late Show with David Letterman, and the Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Now, the Seahawks have a tough choice to make here. We'll discuss that choice, but first, make sure you watch Cold Case, followed by NCIS: Colorado Springs after 60 Minutes on Sunday night. The choice the Sehawks has to make is between two players. We'll discuss those two players, but first catch Survivor: Antarctica followed by Numbers on Tuesday evening. The first player the Seahawks will consider is an offensive player. We'll discuss that offensive player, but first, catch How I Met Your Mother, followed by Rules of Engagement, right before Two-and-a-Half Men and the Big Bang Theory. The first offensive player is Dez Bryant. We'll discuss Dez Bryant, but first, tune into the Amazing Race, followed by CSI: Spokane on Wednesday evenings...
*** Seattle's 10-minute timer just expired.***
New York Giants: C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson
(By Bobby Knight, ESPN College Basketball Analyst and Anti-Feminist)
This pick should be C.J. Spiller because he's the greatest player I've ever seen, but that doesn't matter. I wrote some things down that I want to address.
First, it's come to my attention that the NBA is allowing women to officiate basketball games. In my opinion, this is a big mistake. Women don't know anything about basketball. If there were aprons and cooking involved in basketball, then it would be fine with me. But basketball is a man's game, and letting a woman become a referee is a big mistake.
I'd also like to talk about ESPN. ESPN aired the women's college basketball national championship. In my opinion, this was a big mistake. When I first heard this, I was excited because I thought I would see women playing basketball in their bras and underwear, but to my dismay, this was not the case. I was appalled to see that the women were fully clothed. Having women fully clothed doesn't do anyone any good.
And finally, it's come to my attention that women are allowed to serve in the army. In my opinion, this is a big mistake. There are no kitchens or bedrooms in wars. If a woman isn't surrounded by a kitchen or a bedroom in a span of four or five hours, she tends to become disoriented. Are you telling me that you want our U.S. soldiers to die because of disoriented women?
It's important to remember that women must be contained in a kitchen, bedroom or supermarket at all times, and we must also pass a law to disallow them to be fully clothed. Women have gained too much power over the years, and if we are to more forward as a society, we need to take away almost all of their rights.
Tennessee Titans: Bruce Gradkowski, QB, Toledo
(By Tom Cable, Raiders Head Coach)
BobBy KniGHT mENiON woMAANNN i haTe WoMEN=---!!!! WoMeN DEsErVe tOOo Be PuNCheD!!!!234 wOmAn nEeD tO mAMAkE me DdinNER RiGhT nOw Or EelSe I pUncH wOmAn iN MoUtH anNd NoSe sO shE bLeEd HhahAHahaHAah77.
Out of sheer boredom and the upcoming NBA draft has gotten me itching to make a new mock draft. Of course the NFL draft is a whole lot less predictable than the NBA draft, but also provides more success stories than the NBA draft. Again, I used schedules to determine each team's records and if you get upset with me just remember it's June and a whole lot can change by next April.