(I think my math is right.)
A lot has changed in the last five weeks - I don't even remember putting Carson Wentz on my board and now he's heavily projected to go 2nd overall - so this should be an interesting change of pace from my last draft. Updates will be weekly or bi-weekly from here on out.
This is satire, so don't take anything on this page seriously. I put together 32 celebrities and had each of them make a pick. How did it turn out? Keep reading, or click here to view my real 2010 NFL Mock Draft or 2011 NFL Mock Draft.
San Francisco 49ers: Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford
(By Tiger Woods, Douche Golfer)
I love Toby Gerhart. The first time I ever laid eyes on Toby Gerhart, I knew he was the one. Gerhart went to Stanford like me, so we have tons in common. I want Gerhart to be my running back forever. Well, maybe not forever. Maybe a year or two. Then, I'll draft another running back like Ryan Williams without telling Gerhart. Then, I'll sign Shonn Greene when he becomes a free agent; I've always had my eye on him. After that, I'll trade for C.J. Spiller because he's just so good. I'll also give Jamal Lewis a shot; I know he's old, but I kind of like them old sometimes, you know? And then - ah, crap! Toby Gerhart is coming after me with a golf club and looks like he wants to kill me! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Lynn Swann, WR, USC
(By Terry Bradshaw, FOX NFL Analyst)
I'm pickin' Lynn Swann cuz he's a good football player! Hic! I have a joke for all of you. Knock knock. Who this? Orange. Orange what? Orange juice. Ha! Hic! I have another joke for - hic! - all of you. There was a Polish guy and Texas guy in a tree. The Polish guy says, hey American guy - hic! - I bet I am smarter than you. Then the American guy goes. Hic! Oh man how much liquor did I drink? Hic! What was I sayin? Oh yeah! Hic! Polish guy, you're wrong because you're from Poland. Then the Polish guy realizes he was wrong and jumps out of the tree! Hic! Ha, Terry made two funnies in one draft pick!
Atlanta Falcons: Michael Vick, QB, Virginia Tech
(By Jamie Dukes, NFL Network Analyst)
The Falcons should hamburger pick Michael Vick. Michael served a long time hot dog in jail spaghetti. He pizza deserves a second salami chance. The Falcons are idiots if cheesesteak they hamburger hamburger think hamburger they can win with Matt ice cream. Hot fudge sundae. Michael is the best quarterback cheese sticks in the Popsicle National mashed potatoes chicken turkey. Taco burrito ice cream cake. Ndamukong Suh and Michael Vick cookies Doritos Oreos. Fruit Loops and M&Ms. Cheeseburger cheeseburger?
Sorry fellas, I was ordering my fifth lunch of the day during that piece of analysis.
Recently, it's come to my attention that the Houston Texans have never made the playoffs. They've been around since 2002, and yet they've never been in the postseason. This is not fair, and as the president of the United States, I feel that it's my obligation to make sure that no NFL team ever suffers a similar playoff-less streak.
I'd like to propose a new NFL playoff bill. In this new bill, the top 12 teams in the league will now be forced to make the playoffs. If they don't want to make the playoffs, that's too bad; under law, they'll be forced to enter the postseason or suffer a large penalty. The other 20 teams that didn't make the playoffs will now make the playoffs as well because they deserve an opportunity to win the Super Bowl. All stadium expenses will be paid for by the revenue the 12 playoff teams generate during their postseason run, so none of these "bottom 20" teams suffer any financial losses.
This new NFL playoff bill is 5,000 pages long, and I expect it to be passed in a matter of days. It's not important that anyone read it, even though there are nonsensical provisions in there that provide Michael Vick with 500 pit bulls every year. The important thing is that we pass this bill. Every team deserves a chance to win the Super Bowl, even if they might put forth less effort than some of the "better" teams in the league.
As for this pick, I'm giving the Texans Ndamukong Suh. They're drafting 20th and under normal circumstances wouldn't have a chance to draft him. But they deserve that chance. Everyone deserves a chance to have Ndamukong Suh.
Cincinnati Bengals: Rick Mirer, QB, Notre Dame
(By Walt Coleman, Senile Official)
Hello! My name is... I can't remember what my name is! You're saying it's Walt? That's stupid! The call on the field is confirmed! What did you say? Where am I? Is this New York City? What? Cincinnati? I've never heard of Cincinnati, is that in the Pacific Ocean? What? America!? After further review! What did you say? What is this? Who are you? Who am I? When did I get to New York City? Your name is Walt you say? What's my name? Walt? How can we both be Walt? The ruling on the field stands! What did you say? Who am I?
New England Patriots: Derrick Williams, WR, Penn State
(By Anthony Morelli, 2013 New England Patriots Quarterback)
Very happy to make pick! Haha I make good pick, eh yo? I pick uhhh I pick uhhh haha huh? Eh yo, uhh Derrick Williams go to party with me and I hit small Asian kid haha eh yo? He angry me! Angry me! Huh? Derrick Williams is pick haha eh yo, he good receiver huh? Eh yo.
***Lane Kiffin agreed to do this pick, but right before the Packers were on the clock, he was offered more money by the Rams to make their selection atop Round 2. So, I have to make this choice for Kiffin, who screwed me over.***
New York Giants: DeSean Jackson, WR, California
(By Andy Reid, Eagles Head Coach)
Hem, hem... uhh... hem, hem... time's mine... hem, hem... uhh... hem, hem... I need to do, uhh... a better job, hem, hem... of... uhh... making my divisional opponents better, hem hem... uhh... I'm trading this pick... hem, hem... uhh... and DeSean Jackson... to uhh... the Giants... uhh... for a 7th-round pick... hem, hem... uhh... and a conditional 6th-round pick... hem, hem... conditional if I get my cheesesteaks, hem hem... uhh... time's yours.
Baltimore Ravens: Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
(By Brian Billick, Former Ravens Head Coach)
Hello, my name is Brian Billick. Please don't tell me your name, because it doesn't matter. I'm the superior human being in this conversation, and therefore your name is irrelevant. Because I am smarter than you, I'll teach you a few things. Today's lesson is about defenses. There are two types of defenses: a 3-4 and a 4-3. The 3-4 features three defensive linemen and four linebackers, while the 4-3 has four linemen and three linebackers. There are also different types of coverages, but your brain is not as large as mine and therefore can't grasp this information.
I would go further into my analysis, but I have an appointment scheduled to look into the mirror and admire myself for the next five hours. I'll leave you with this pick: Colt McCoy is a great quarterback, so he's the obvious choice for the Ravens. If you disagree, I don't blame you; you're obviously not as smart as I am and you can't grasp how logical this selection is.
Arizona Cardinals: John Wall, G, Kentucky.
(By Dick Stockton, Senile Announcer)
The Chicago Cardinals are on the clock and I'm going to have them take Johh... uhh... Walters, the guard out of Kent... Kansas! John Wall will help the Arizona Diamondbacks win the Stanley Cup Finals, tomorrow here on FOX. Why is there a sparrow living in my hair? Other options for the Atlanta Braves include Jimmy Clausen, quarterback from Northern Iowa, Anquan Boldin, wide receiver from uhh... South Carolina and Tito Horford, the center from Florida. So there you have it, Detroit's game plan on Draft Day is simple - take the best player and win the World Series tomorrow, here on ABC.
I heard very bad and very strange news few days ago that nearly blowed my mind. The Cowboys cut Flozell Adam, who nickname the Hotel. The Hotel have very big, and he have a few years left in his system, so I do not know why Jerry Jones throw him out in the street and let the door hit him in the backside when he go outside.
It is very importance to have left tackle in the national conference of footballs. Bryan... B... uhh... Bolt... uhh... Booger from the University of Iowa State College, and he have good blocking. The one concerned I have with Bulger is that he have short arm. You cannot teach long arm, you can only build long arm when you inside your momma's room - the place where small baby come from. This is why I believe Bryan Baldinger will fall to the third halves of the first round in the 2010 NFL Drafting.
San Diego Chargers: Ryan...
(By Nate Kaeding, Choking Kicker)
Hey, Nate Kaeding here, and I have a great pick lined up for the Chargers. Just let me know when to go, Walt. Five seconds? OK, here we go. And I think the Chargers will take Ryan... BLAHHH!!! Ryan... BLAHHH!!!! COUGH-COUGH!!! BLAHHH!!! Ryan BLAHHH!!! BLAHHH!!! Ryan BLAHHH!!!! Cough-cough, snort! Oh man... Cough-cough. Ugh. Ryan... BLAH!!! Can't stop choking BLAHHH!!!
New York Jets: None
(By Brett Favre, Vikings Quarterback)
I like Golden Tate. He's a good player and will help the Jets win some games. That's what's important, just goin' out there and havin' fun. I feel like a kid playin' football every Sunday. No wait, I changed my mind, I like Sergio Kindle. Kindle's a good player and knows how to have fun on the football field. Wait, I like Tate. He's all about playin' hard and havin' a good time like a kid on the football field. Wait, Kindle's better cuz he knows how to win games while havin' a blast doin' it. Tate's definitely the pick, but no I like Kindle. So I'm goin' with Tate. No, Kindle. Aww, hell, I'm goin' back to Mississippi - I'll let you know who I'm pickin' in August even though the 2010 NFL Draft will be over by then.
Minnesota Vikings: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
(By Brad Childress, Vikings Head Coach)
Our approach toward this draft pick was as simple as America's victory over England in the War of 1812. Drafting Jimmy Clausen was our only option. By my calculations, the inflation in 2018 preempted by the health care bill, peak oil and various other economic factors will cause salaries to escalate to unprecedented levels. Jimmy's initial contract will expire in 2016, which will give us a healthy 2-year cushion to construct a new deal before inflation corrupts everything. It was essential that we draft a quarterback at this juncture; otherwise an opportunity would not arise until the Intergallactic Wars of 2174, in which the value of the American dollar would increase based on the realization that the United States, as well as the Faroese, possess the capability of eliminating the non-anthropomorphic invaders from Nu Epsilon Sigma. Jimmy will just have to maintain our signal-caller position until that time period.
Indianapolis Colts: Unknown Eaten Prospect
(By Queen Latifah, Fat Model - recommended by Facebook friend Seth E.)
NOM NOM NOM NOM, OH SORRY ME NO NOTICE MY TIME TO MAKE PICK. MY NAME QUEEN LATIFAH. I MODEL FOR COVER GIRL EVEN THOUGH ME WEIGH 5,000 POUNDS MORE THAN OTHER MODELS NOM NOM NOM, SORRY ME EATH CHEETOS. I GOT GIG FROM COVER GIRL BY THREATEN TO EAT PRESIDENT OF COMPANY NOM NOM NOM. BOW DOWN TO QUEEN NOW OR I WILL EAT YOU LIKE I EAT PROSPECT INDIANAPOLIS COLT SUPPOSED TO DRAFT. OOHHH ME SEE MORE OREOS ON GROUND THAT I MISSED EARLIER NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
New Orleans Saints: Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
(By Ricky Martin, Singer - recommended by neighbor Joe G.)
Oh jeezzthh! Oh jeezztthh! It's my turn oh jeezzthh! I'm so not prepared for this!! Oh jeezztth! I'm taking Tim Tebow I love his muscles and blue eyzthh! Ooooohhhhh jeezzzzztttthhhhh!
I have an important announcement to make guys! Oh jeezth! Oh jeeezzth! This is big news guys! I've been waiting to tell someone but I need to make the announcement now! I am... Spanish! Jeezzthh Chritthh! Oh jeezzth! Oh jeezzth! Now everyone knows! Ohh jeezzth! Oh jeezzthh!